Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

[Crinklecutnot]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

You guys split up so he can…however why show and tell?

If he wanted to look like “I am so great an 18years old gal wanted me”, bad news for him…good news for you? You aren’t with him anymore! You guys had a timetable, it isn’t great you want to change things for not such a valid reason?

He's not seeing her
It was a one night stand
There is a difference there

This is about his fitness as a parent. It's not about the sex, it's not even about the lying (yeah, he's lying, if not to you then to himself); by his actions he just approved behavior for a girl who claims she is18 to hang around in bars and pick up men who are much older than she is to have a one night stand with them. That is the problem. By his behavior, he pretended mascara and lipstick was her ID, he approves.

Is that how he would like older men to treat his daughter? Is that what he hopes his son will do when his son is his age? Pretend mascara and lipstick make a female legal? Does he want his children to mimic his behavior or her behavior? What is it that he wants for his children. He has to live it and be an example. He cannot say one thing and do another.

When he "discovered" how old she was on IG, did he ask to see her ID? People lie on IG all the time. A teenage girl will make themselves older. He actually does not know whether or not she is 18. Plus, over the age of 30, he wasn't that drunk if he was able to get h**d.

This is not a small problem. This is about his sliding scale for being a decent human being and a healthy role model who will instill respect for women to his children, especially a female child.

Your co-parenting will be from a distance. Good luck.

No disrespect, but you're separated, right? You used the word 'split'. While I don't agree with him having drunkenly slept with a random young girl, 18 is legal, 16 is the age of consent. Yes he's a bit of a man whore, but you don't have much to do with each other anymore.

I can understand your fury if you were clinging onto a bit of hope of some kind of reconciliation, but I think it's clear now that the marriage is over.

I can’t fathom why he told you.

My DD is 18 and the thought of her being with a 33 yr old is gross and would be worrying .

It’s really hard to tell ages these days.

I think there are 2 separate issues here OP.

1. her age
2. that he broke your promise you had

I think the age difference is pretty grim and I would suggest to him not to share with others (especially work colleagues) that he’s done this. Although legally okay, morally it’s terrible and lots of people would feel differently about him.

the broken promise is bad too but I suppose he could’ve easily not told you and in the scheme of things, doesn’t make a huge difference.

I totally get that you’ve lost respect for him and you’re hurt he’s broken the promise. I would keep at your normal plan as it’s only a few weeks then go your separate ways as planned. After this, he makes his owns decisions and you can’t worry about what he’s doing.

sorry you’re going through this OP. At least it’s only a few more weeks.

OP, don’t make a fuss. Yes it’s grubby and he broke your agreement. It’s weird and stupid that he told you, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt that it’s out of respect to your agreement.

however, you need to keep your eye on the prize- a decent divorce, without toxic mutual destruction, followed by decades of non toxic, collaborative coparenting. These are the kind of turning points that can fuck that all up.

be gracious. Tell him it’s left a really bad taste in your mouth. As it seems to have for him. Thank him for his honesty. But say his breaking your agreement is hurtful. However, what you care about most, and you trust he does too, is continuing to parent together constructively and go through this divorce in a way that doesn’t mean you are constantly hurting each other.then revisit the boundaries. Honestly, I don’t think not seeing anyone, even outside the home, is that healthy a boundary if you have split up. So maybe consider dumping that. But along with that, I would dump the expectation that either of you owe the other information.

then you can emerge with updated boundaries appropriate for splitting up, plus him feeling a bit guilty and appreciative that he basically was forgiven for doing something stupid…. And having modelled a collaborative reasonableness that will hopefully help you get through the divorce.

be gracious. Tell him it’s left a really bad taste in your mouth. As it seems to have for him. Thank him for his honesty. But say his breaking your agreement is hurtful. However, what you care about most, and you trust he does too, is continuing to parent together constructively and go through this divorce in a way that doesn’t mean you are constantly hurting each other.

I honestly hope that OP doesn’t demean herself by saying this.
Do you really think he cares a damn about co parenting constructively with OP when he thinks getting steaming and having sex with a young woman he didn't even know the age of, is the way to behave. That's if there is any truth in his story. He didn't give a damn about his children's best interests when he did this so why should OP demean herself by appeasing him?

I agree with you that was disgusting.

I have a niece who has just turned 18 and to think of her with a man in his 30's is just horrible. In her case she's just so young. It's not suddenly just okay the minute they turn 18 overnight.

She could well have looked older than 18 but what’s the chances she wouldn’t have told the truth the night before if asked?

he should have kept that activity to himself though. I suggest if he is going to stay in the house for the next few weeks, he quickly develops a filter and learn to keep his mouth shut. All it’s achieved is to hurt you and off load any guilt he might be feeling.

tell him to shut it in future or leave if he can’t.

@Crinklecutnot this is the crux of the matter per PP post

He did Not have to tell you.

This business of 'he broke our deal so he had to tell you' is bull - he wanted you to know he had options.

Out. He needs to go. Set him free and most importantly yourself free.

And sorry about this OP, it's not nice and I do feel for what you are going through.

You’re separated so more fool him for telling you.

Your lines are blurred because you live in the same house. Separate properly and move on.

It's weird that he discussed it with you. I wouldn't want him to stay in the home any longer.

I get the sense you're not really over him, OP.

This.

This

Probably unpopular view but if you’re separated, who he sleeps with is non of your business.
My concern would be that if she was pissed she could round and say it wasn’t consensual !!

Turn round and say

There needs to be a change in the law. It should not be legal for a 33 year old man to have sex with an 18 year old girl. Or vice versa. The "half your age plus seven) rule needs to be enshrined into law.

Even if he thought she was 22 it is still gross he is 33.

Don't be ridiculous. At eighteen you are old enough to vote, drink, have a job, live alone, join the army. You can have sex with who you want.

Good luck with that. How on earth would that be policed?

By the way, Princess Diana had just turned 20 when she married Charles who was 32 years old - a 12 year age gap.

I don't think that should have been allowed either. Look at how it worked out for Diana. And for Charles for that matter. And their children.

Charles should have married someone that was over 23 1/2.