Page 12 | What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

DizzyDucklings · 2025-12-04T17:10:33+00:00

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence. DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously. If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

Cynic17 · 05/12/2025 10:11

OneBadKitty · 04/12/2025 17:58

A quick text every night before bed if he's travelling alone is reasonable.

No it really isn't! No adult should feel obligated to do this, because it's massive overkill.

ItsDarkNow · 05/12/2025 10:14

Mine are frequent solo travellers.
They both have their last seen on WhatsApp visible. That’s all I look at.

Cynic17 · 05/12/2025 10:15

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:31

My husband and I travel extensively and we always check in with our kids every few days to let them know we are ok. We are also together. Not alone.

I wish people would understand that I am not imposing anything on him. I am merely asking for other people’s advice. I would never set a schedule for him as that is far too restrictive and would surely lead to him not being able to and us worrying. I’m simply asking what is reasonable if anything and clearly the resounding answer is to just leave him alone and hope that is all ok.

Thanks everyone.

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But your kids might not want or need you to "check in" every few days! Obviously, you'll be fine. They might be rolling their eyes and saying "oh [expletive] mother thinks we can't manage without her". When people are away then, as PPs have said, no news is good news.

Worralorra · 05/12/2025 10:22

You say he’s not much of a Social Media user, but in this case it can be a blessing. When our DD took off around Asia, she kept a photo diary - which means that 10 years on, she still has all those wonderful memories in her photos.

Posting daily meant we didn’t have to worry as we could see from the selfies she was having a great time. The agreement was that she would call us when possible, which she did, but calls were short and only when she changed Country - which was fine: her travelogue was amazing and when she returned, she had an album made up from the best pictures.

Shewasafaireh · 05/12/2025 10:33

Raggededges · 05/12/2025 09:31

Once a day! He's 25. How on earth is he supposed to go off and be independent if he has to check in with mummy once a day. When we went travelling back In the 90's it was a postcard every 6 weeks!

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And when my aunts and uncles migrated they checked in with my grandmother every other year or so. Times change.

InlandTaipan · 05/12/2025 10:40

He's 25. The only "reasonable" thing is to talk to him about it adult to adult then let him decide.

When I travelled, back in the dark ages, I sent a letter or postcard to my mum every few weeks. She never knew where I was currently. Oh and I phoned her on Christmas Day which made her panic because she assumed there was a problem.

InlandTaipan · 05/12/2025 10:41

Shewasafaireh · 05/12/2025 10:33

And when my aunts and uncles migrated they checked in with my grandmother every other year or so. Times change.

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But not for the better necessarily. The culture of "if you're not constantly in touch you must be dead" is not a healthy one.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/12/2025 10:41

DaisyChain505 · 04/12/2025 17:24

He’s 25 not 17. This isn’t something you can negotiate with him or try to dictate. If he wants to be in touch he’ll be in touch.

All you can do is tell him to stay safe, have fun and check in when he can. That leaves it open to him as to how often he does that without feeling the pressure that he owes you something.

Edited

Absolutely this. Giving him some sort of timetable to check in with you is a recipe for fall outs and worry on your behalf when he is busy/forgets or whatever (someone suggested once a day - barking mad, sorry). If he’s a nice man, he will care about worrying his parents and check in regularly. A family what’s app, Facebook etc would be handy, so he can dump photos/text etc, you all get to see without him having to phone at a certain time.

Shewasafaireh · 05/12/2025 10:45

InlandTaipan · 05/12/2025 10:41

But not for the better necessarily. The culture of "if you're not constantly in touch you must be dead" is not a healthy one.

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Of course, which is why it needs to be whatever it’s agreed and comfortable between them.

Someone mentioned they send their children photos every other day or something and a poster was like “what if your kids don’t want photos!!!” which is honestly ridiculous.

PollyBell · 05/12/2025 10:59

When they are arrive and when they come home, 25! not a child

BauhausOfEliott · 05/12/2025 11:09

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:48

Maybe I should have asked the following question instead…

My DS25 has been travelling in Vietnam and Thailand and I haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks. He is alone and he only gave a vague intinerary as he wanted the freedom to move around without being tied into bookings. Do I need to worry?

Edited

No, because he’s 25.

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 11:54

Periperi2025 · 05/12/2025 08:41

Yes and you can guarantee the first people he will call should he have a problem will be his parents, so 'independent' yes but also no doubt reliant on their help.

That's normal up and down generations in most family's and always has been, it's called "next of kin", the police/ hospital/embassy will do it too if you're unconscious. It doesn't mean that everyone needs to be in constant contact or tracked as some people would with their adult children if they could.

Cheap Internationally roaming has a lot to answer for.

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I'm not talking about nok scenarios or contact for an emergency I'm talking about data needs topping up, money running out, needing more tickets etc. Many posters keep saying 'he's 25! He is Independent!' Yes but I bet these independent tourists would soon be on the blower to their parents for more funds should it be needed. Which is fine but it works both ways, we support them they contact us.

It is 2025 no one is having to source farflung post offices to send telegrams, messaging is a quick and easy thing.

If it were me op I'd ask to message at least twice a week or update FB/IG so we would know all ok.

Periperi2025 · 05/12/2025 12:00

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 11:54

I'm not talking about nok scenarios or contact for an emergency I'm talking about data needs topping up, money running out, needing more tickets etc. Many posters keep saying 'he's 25! He is Independent!' Yes but I bet these independent tourists would soon be on the blower to their parents for more funds should it be needed. Which is fine but it works both ways, we support them they contact us.

It is 2025 no one is having to source farflung post offices to send telegrams, messaging is a quick and easy thing.

If it were me op I'd ask to message at least twice a week or update FB/IG so we would know all ok.

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At younger than 25, i missed a flight (hungover -oops) in a non English speaking country, rearranged it and rearranged onwards travel timings and my parents never knew a thing, couldn't be bothered with the judgement (that i clearly deserved!!). Why would you assume he would involve his parents.

I also, again under 25, broke my hand in the Alps, doctors there fobbed me off with just splinting it and told me it would heal in 2 weeks, i had 2 weeks left in holiday, so no need to tell them. Got back to the UK turned out it was a really bad injury and needed surgery, obviously told them at this point.

BauhausOfEliott · 05/12/2025 12:11

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 11:54

I'm not talking about nok scenarios or contact for an emergency I'm talking about data needs topping up, money running out, needing more tickets etc. Many posters keep saying 'he's 25! He is Independent!' Yes but I bet these independent tourists would soon be on the blower to their parents for more funds should it be needed. Which is fine but it works both ways, we support them they contact us.

It is 2025 no one is having to source farflung post offices to send telegrams, messaging is a quick and easy thing.

If it were me op I'd ask to message at least twice a week or update FB/IG so we would know all ok.

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I have two 25-year-olds working in my team. They manage projects, handle procurement processes etc, develop strategies, chair meetings and negotiate with very senior people, sit on interview panels etc. In their non-work lives they are entirely independent adults and no, they absolutely would not be 'needing their data topping up' or anything similar by their bloody mum while they were travelling. Jeez.

My nephew's now 28 and he managed to emigrate at 25 without any assistance from his parents, so I'm pretty sure he could have managed a few weeks travelling in Vietnam without needing their help in topping up his phone and booking his tickets. .

brunettemic · 05/12/2025 12:12

He’s 25…it’s up to him.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2025 12:13

Geneticsbunny · 04/12/2025 17:16

Gently, he is an adult. It is sensible for him to check in with someone regularly but it doesn't need to be you and he can work out what regularly means.

This. Is 25 a “young” adult?

DallasMajor · 05/12/2025 12:14

I'm talking about data needs topping up, money running out, needing more tickets etc. Many posters keep saying 'he's 25! He is Independent!' Yes but I bet these independent tourists would soon be on the blower to their parents for more funds

What the fuck? Adults plan and manage their own money.

ThisMintSwan · 05/12/2025 12:21

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 11:54

I'm not talking about nok scenarios or contact for an emergency I'm talking about data needs topping up, money running out, needing more tickets etc. Many posters keep saying 'he's 25! He is Independent!' Yes but I bet these independent tourists would soon be on the blower to their parents for more funds should it be needed. Which is fine but it works both ways, we support them they contact us.

It is 2025 no one is having to source farflung post offices to send telegrams, messaging is a quick and easy thing.

If it were me op I'd ask to message at least twice a week or update FB/IG so we would know all ok.

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None of that would be normal for a 25 year old though. An 18/19 year old on their first trip, perhaps. Not full grown adults in their mid 20s. That's some serious infanitilising.

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 12:23

DallasMajor · 05/12/2025 12:14

I'm talking about data needs topping up, money running out, needing more tickets etc. Many posters keep saying 'he's 25! He is Independent!' Yes but I bet these independent tourists would soon be on the blower to their parents for more funds

What the fuck? Adults plan and manage their own money.

Yes they do. Howber, if you read my comments in context I was giving examples of how these independent/adult/tourists soon contact their parents if they need funds topping up so it not unreasonable to suggest they check in a couple of times a week too.

Anyway, most families do this anyway. It think it's a bit sad that some on here think because someone is 25 they will go on a trip for months and not stay in touch. We're all different though some families are closer than others.

ItsDarkNow · 05/12/2025 12:26

some families are closer than others.

Some families have unhealthily high anxiety levels.

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 12:28

ThisMintSwan · 05/12/2025 12:21

None of that would be normal for a 25 year old though. An 18/19 year old on their first trip, perhaps. Not full grown adults in their mid 20s. That's some serious infanitilising.

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It is normal! I lived and worked abroad/had trips for years decades ago and managed to stay in touch. In the days before mobiles when you had to use pay phones . I managed that fine and I certainly wasn't 'infantilised'.

InlandTaipan · 05/12/2025 12:29

some families are closer than others

There's being close, and there's being unhealthily emeshed and pretending it's closeness.

ItsDarkNow · 05/12/2025 12:31

@Gloriia
Were you asking your parents for money? Tickets?

InlandTaipan · 05/12/2025 12:32

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 12:28

It is normal! I lived and worked abroad/had trips for years decades ago and managed to stay in touch. In the days before mobiles when you had to use pay phones . I managed that fine and I certainly wasn't 'infantilised'.

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It really wasn't normal to be constantly in touch. There was a time not that long ago when you told people about your holiday/work trip when you came back. And sent them a postcard which arrived home sometime after you did.

ThisMintSwan · 05/12/2025 12:35

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 12:28

It is normal! I lived and worked abroad/had trips for years decades ago and managed to stay in touch. In the days before mobiles when you had to use pay phones . I managed that fine and I certainly wasn't 'infantilised'.

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Of course staying in touch is normal. Asking your mum to book tickets or send you money isn't.