What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

[DizzyDucklings]

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

I think realistically a 25 year old shouldn't be asked to check in at all. Hopefully he will keep in touch though and sending him the odd message would be OK (I wouldn't message him more than once a week if it was me). If he was under 20 it might be reasonable to ask for the occasional message.

I think one thing I found reassuring when my 18 yr old went travelling was that I sometimes logged onto WhatsApp and it shows the last time they were logged on. It gave me the peace of mind that everything must be ok if they have been on WhatsApp in the last couple of days.

I think you will find the less you pressure him or set rules the more likely he will be to want to check in with you.

Kids???? Did you mistake "DS 25" in the title for "DS 5"??

I regularly travel alone. I usually call my mum and text my closest friend on arrival but other than that, I very much enjoy the lack of responsibility and freedom.

Think of it like this OP: if, whilst in the UK, your son had an accident or incident that required either police or medical attention, they would find a way to contact you. Might take a while but they would find his NOK. The police and other emergency services in SE Asia are parents too. They too would want the NOK of an injured person to be informed ASAP. They would contact the Consulate, who would check the arrivals details of all UK nationals and begin the process of elimination.

That’s how you’d know.

You being in any form of contact cannot prevent any accidents or emergencies. And they are hugely unlikely - we only hear about the extreme stories because, well, they are extreme.

DD Has done a lot of solo travelling since e turning 18 and we do have a few rules in place, but it was decided between us. You have to go with whatever he wants, really.

In our case we have live location (which is only useful if able to update), she sends me all her flights + accommodation details and no more than 12 hours without contacting me. It takes seconds to message someone.

Maybe for some it’s too much but so far so good.

Nobody said he was. But I think it’s quite normal to worry when your kids are the other side of the world and to want to keep in touch but to question what people think is reasonable to check you’re not being OTT. Just an opinion.

Finally, someone with some brains!

25 !
Surely it is entirely up to him

I think that this is the whole problem. Offspring who still live at home with their parents in their mid twenties and beyond, consciously or not, are becoming infantilised.

I moved away from home at 18, and from that day on, I was independent, and my parents didn't focus on me or fuss over me, or actively parent me.

This generation of younger adults are, consciously or otherwise, being held back from full maturity by (having to?) live with their parents, and still being seen as needing parenting.

He’s not A YOUNG ADULT, he’s A GROWN MAN.

No more than 12 hours without contacting you? That's your rule?

I'm sorry but that's insane, especially given that you're already tracking her location

After typing my post, I’ve went back and read some really unkind posts to the op about being overprotective. As I said earlier my daughter has been travelling for 8 years between university and she still keeps her find my fiends on as does I our son who has a very specialist job in the military, because we don’t oversee their every move to it’s just useful and they can turn it off whenever they want.

It’s a different world today, but the good thing is we all have mobile phones.

I think a text every couple of days would be a good balance.

This is why DD and i also have agreements on how often to communicate when she’s travelling. God forbid but if something happens from point A to point B, the sooner we realise it the better.

25 is far beyond his mum being able to make any demands to keep in touch, other than a casual "have fun, send me a text when you can" type arrangement. Telling someone to check in is both completely suffocating and will only make OP worry when he forgets to do so one week.

At 16 I had left home to go to university and my parents had no way to contact me at all, other than phoning the pay phone in my halls and hoping someone 1) answered and 2) bothered to pass on any sort of message they left. Mobile phones have trained people to think that you need to be in constant contact, but this is not the case - or indeed healthy - at all.

What part of “it was decided between us” did you not understand?

It never even gets to 12h because like other posters have expressed, she updates the family group chat as she goes.

OP, some posters are being unfairly harsh.

It is entirely natural to worry and I imagine you’re extremely excited for him as well.

I would just suggest that he let you know every couple of days and if he doesn’t agree, ask him what he is comfortable with.

Once you get your first couple of photos and messages you will feel relaxed and even enjoy his adventures yourself.

You obviously support him else you wouldn’t have helped with the funding.

It is going to be ok.

You most likely won’t have any peace of mind apart from the moment you are on the phone with him.

As someone who travelled before smart phones, just internet cafes. I called home or emailed once every tenish days. I was 20. I did give my parents a very rough itinerary before I left each time but to be honest never really stuck to it.

going through my emails recently I saw my dad emailed me saying can I call home just because he was wondering where our travels had led us, and I had not made contact in 20 days so he was just wondering. Reading it back as a parent I can read the worry but he kept the email so relaxed I just thought it was a check in not a worried at the time but now I can see between the lines. I didn’t call but sent email back saying I would call from next place in a few days and short update about what I had been up to.

I feel for you, but ask him what he is comfortable with but maybe every ten days. Say you will send him odd text in between but there is no pressure to him reply.

OP obviously noone thinks you're unreasonable to want to hear from him. The way you are wording things is what is shocking everyone. If you have a good, adult relationship he will naturally update you as he would with any other friend or family member.

Have a read back of how you talk about him....

"Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence."

• no need, as a 25 year old man there is no parenting needed and he is fully independent.

"Are kids the same? "

• he's not a kid

"he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes"

• because he's a fully fledged adult, the fact you refer to him as a youngster is condescending to him and any other 25 year old.

"I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children"

• now you're having a tantrum...

"Didn’t realize I was such a terrible parent up until now. Night "

• tantrum number 2

Multi-generational living arrangements are commonplace and have been the norm throughout human kind; this notion of everyone having their own dwelling is mainly a brief post WWII blip in history and clearly coming to an end.

Pooling resources has been a means of survival and often upward mobility for most humans and is not indicative of immaturity or "failure to launch." It's practical.

The infantilizaing is a separate issue.

I think this highlights the issue with so many grown adults living at home until they can afford to buy a house instead of living in cheap, shared houses like many of us did back in the day. It really blurs the lines. Like many people on here I had been living hundreds of miles away from my family for 7 years by the time I was 25 and didn’t need chats on drugs and alcohol, insurance etc because I was a fully grown adult and seen as that by my family.

Hopefully the culture will begin to change again where young adults are able to move out and live an adult life again. I imagine dating people who have never lived independently can be a challenge when mummy is still doing so much for grown adults when they should be learning all this themselves.

Op came on here or help,
a lot of negative posts, not helpful.
If a young adult still lives at home as we assume he does, of course that’s different from those of us who’s kids had gap years, moved away to University or just traveled before starting work. As I answered earlier and if you look at my past posts my daughter has traveled extensively but it’s the normal for us, if you are facing your child of any age going away you want to be reassured and that’s what the op is asking, not to be told she’s being unreasonable, you don’t stop caring because your child is an adult.

It isn't 'insane' at all. It works for them, everyone is different. You know messages take like 20 seconds yes? Not like the pp is saying she expects handwritten letters from her dc every single day.

It's not the time it takes to send a text, it's the absurdity of having that obligation hanging over one's head 24/7. What if she meets someone and wants to spend 24 hours in bed having wild sex? "Oops, it's 9pm, I need to text mum and dad."

How can one fully enjoy the experience of being abroad if one is tethered to home by that sort of expectation? it's not for her benefit, it's for the parents, who should be managing their stress in some less intrusive way.

I think you're being a bit dramatic. A pp said her dd on hol keeps in touch daily, I bet many tourists message several times daily, I know someone whose dd posted 20 pics of temples a day so it is doable and totally normal, unclench a bit. Youngsters spend a lot of time online even when 'abroad'.

Obviously if a tourist wants to go off grid and only message weekly that is fine too, but to have an agreement in place is again completely normal.

Do your cars have a particularly exciting lifestyle?!