Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

343 replies

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:10

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

OP posts:
ResusciAnnie · 04/12/2025 20:13

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:10

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

You don’t need to parent a 25 year old OP, assuming no additional needs. Surely you have the relationship where he’ll call you when he feels like it and vice versa.

Also stop calling him a Young Adult 😂 that’s what high school and college teens are known as. He’s a normal-age full adult.

Kindling1970 · 04/12/2025 20:22

Devuelta81 · 04/12/2025 18:02

And if he's out and forgets? You're just setting yourself up for panic. That is so much pressure to put on him.

I am so close to my parents, I speak to them pretty much every day now, and reading this I just love them so much for never putting these kinds of demands on me and actually allowing me my adventures.

The people I know who had these kind of expectations placed on them are the ones who are less inclined to contact with their parents now.

Show quote history

Totally agree with this.

of course you will worry about your kids at any age but he has to decide how much he contacts you as he is an adult and should not be responsible for your anxiety while he is away wanting to have fun.

when I went away at that age I probably messaged my parents once a week to say hi because I wanted to but they never put expectations on me. If they did I would have massively kicked against that and it would have impacted me wanting to message them.

my parents are far from perfect but I have always appreciated them not putting their anxieties on me.

Hohumdedum · 04/12/2025 20:25

DallasMajor · 04/12/2025 17:23

We have had the alcohol/drugs discussion and whilst he listened he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes like they know everything already…

This has to be a wind up. He is 25 not 12.

I disagree. I know multiple people, including a married colleague in his 30s, and myself, who have fallen for elaborate scams abroad despite being well travelled. It's absolutely worth finding out common scams in the country you plan to visit and know it can happen to you.

OP - I would ask, as a minimum, for him to message you every time he changes accommodation, with an address.

Motheranddaughter · 04/12/2025 20:46

I do think the lines are very blurred no
A PP talking about using find my phone so she can put the dinner on
For an actual adult 🤷‍♀️

Elsvieta · 04/12/2025 20:49

Well, email's free; one sentence once a day doesn't seem like too much to ask. When I'm on holiday I send my mother a picture of whatever interesting sight I've seen today, once a day, and it stops her fretting. Strange how many people on here seem to think it's completely unreasonable to expect a young man to show the tiniest bit of consideration for his mother's feelings. Teach him that he should and who knows, perhaps when he's a bit older, he might even show respect and consideration to his wife.

user2848502016 · 04/12/2025 20:55

A WhatsApp every few days/once a week maybe?
Just because solo travelling, if he was with a group I would expect less

saraclara · 04/12/2025 20:56

Elsvieta · 04/12/2025 20:49

Well, email's free; one sentence once a day doesn't seem like too much to ask. When I'm on holiday I send my mother a picture of whatever interesting sight I've seen today, once a day, and it stops her fretting. Strange how many people on here seem to think it's completely unreasonable to expect a young man to show the tiniest bit of consideration for his mother's feelings. Teach him that he should and who knows, perhaps when he's a bit older, he might even show respect and consideration to his wife.

But he shouldn't have to feel that his mum is anxious and that he somehow has a responsibility for that.

Travelling when young is about building independence and taking responsibility for one's self. Not remaining to be digitally attached to home throughout.

HildegardP · 04/12/2025 20:59

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 19:13

So basically instead of managing your own anxiety, you dump the onus on him to manage it from afar. That is SO unfair and so counter to what an adventurous overseas experience should be. Tied to mum's apron strings and guilty because she's worrying.

People need to manage their own fears, not make others jump through hoops to do so. Yes, I know, it takes two minutes to send a text. It'snot the two minutes, it's the constant onus, expectation and obligation hanging over one's head.

Show quote history

My mate's son was kidnapped while travelling in the region. It's not Brittany or Barcelona, there are real & significant dangers. A daily proof of life supplied to the only people the Foreign & Commonwealth Office will take seriously if things go bad is minimally sensible travel planning.

growinguptobreakingdown · 04/12/2025 21:04

If it was my DD I'd want to hear from her every couple of days- which is totally hypocritical as I only called my Dad ONCE in 9 months when I backpacked Asia when I was 25. And that was only because I needed him to do something for me. He must have been so worried but had to rely on the odd letter.

Icecreamisthebest · 04/12/2025 21:12

OP my DD is 20 and has been travelling through Asia since February.

I would say - it will depend very much on where he is at the time and what he is doing. DD has been to places with patchy internet and so has been incommunicado for a few days. If she is in an airport or train station we will have quite a conversation as she is bored and has time to kill.

Generally we do hear from her every day or 2. But that is also because we reach out to her and let her know what is going on with us. We mainly correspond via messenger. I like messenger because it tells me when she was last active so even if she hasn't been messaging me I know that she is talking to friends.

I would not set any expectations other than to say you'd love to see photos as he goes.

Bollihobs · 04/12/2025 21:13

Geneticsbunny · 04/12/2025 17:16

Gently, he is an adult. It is sensible for him to check in with someone regularly but it doesn't need to be you and he can work out what regularly means.

I have to agree. That phrase OP "parenting a young adult and his independence." is something I'd apply to a 17/18 yr old.........your son is 25!!! 25!!!!!

Of course you are always going to worry about him but come on, your "parenting" days are over, just let him be.

PeachOctopus · 04/12/2025 21:27

My son is solo travelling in Asia and is 25, he has gone for 3 months. He’s in Thailand at the moment then going to Vietnam, loving the trip.
We call once a week for a long conversation and we have a family group chat that he chips in and send photos of travels every now & then but I’m sure your son and you will settle down in to a routine that suits you best.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 21:35

Gloriia · 04/12/2025 20:06

I think you're being a bit dramatic. A pp said her dd on hol keeps in touch daily, I bet many tourists message several times daily, I know someone whose dd posted 20 pics of temples a day so it is doable and totally normal, unclench a bit. Youngsters spend a lot of time online even when 'abroad'.

Obviously if a tourist wants to go off grid and only message weekly that is fine too, but to have an agreement in place is again completely normal.

Edited
Show quote history

And some people don't want to be in touch at all. (and he's not a 'youngster.')

The point is that communication should be up to the traveler, not to people at home anxiously tapping their toes waiting for the daily proof of life. They need to manage their anxiety some other way.

LighthouseLED · 04/12/2025 21:35

Gloriia · 04/12/2025 19:49

It isn't 'insane' at all. It works for them, everyone is different. You know messages take like 20 seconds yes? Not like the pp is saying she expects handwritten letters from her dc every single day.

Show quote history

It is really restrictive.

I wouldn’t want to commit to having to contact my mum every 12 hours in the UK let alone having fun travelling when I may be in a bar, halfway up a mountain with no phone reception etc.

Scarlettpixie · 04/12/2025 22:03

I know he is quite a bit younger by my 19 year old is happy that I have him on 'find my iPhone' as it stops me worrying and means that so long as he is roughly where I expect him to be, he doesn't have to always remember to contact me!

I certainly don't police what he is up to or how late he is out etc. it's just for peace of mind. I just ask if he had a good time.

He can also (and occasionally does) track me.

How is your son about keeping in touch when away from home? I would expect contact every few days and DS would be happy to oblige. I tell him I worry because I'm his mum. He gets it, Long may it continue.

Do bear in mind though that internet may be sketchy in some areas, and also make sure you have his preferred form of social media - my son rarely uses texts but is on snap chat and as a result so am I. He likes to send me pics when he is on holiday and his girlfriend even sends them too (and will remind him to call)!

It's always fine to remind our offspring of any risks especially when doing something new, if they know great, if they didn't you are doing your job. Being a mum doesn't stop when they hit 18!

BasilPersil · 04/12/2025 22:18

user1471600850 · 04/12/2025 19:09

You are one of those dicks!

Show quote history

No no. Is this the level of crazed protective parenting we've reached when an adult has a parent set 'reasonable expectations'? He's not a 13yo with a curfew. At 18 I strapped on a backpack and went to live and travel in Africa- no internet, no phone, poste restante every month or 2 on those blue aerogrammes. I'm not even that old.

It's really important for young people to get lost. That's why you go travelling. They definitely shouldn't be managing their parents' anxiety and their parents have no business setting any kind of expectation whatsoever.

It makes me feel sad, really. The joy and freedom of no one knowing where you are is unparalleled.

BTsrule · 04/12/2025 22:20

How often does he check in with you now? I presume he is living independently? So bad things could happen but are unlikely and if they did happen it would take you some time to be with him. If you are ok with the current frequency of contact then go with that?

midsummabreak · 04/12/2025 22:24

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

Just ignore people looking for arguments, and work out a check in he feels comfortable with. It’s a lovely gift that you contributed to his trip to Thailand and Vietnam.

BasilPersil · 04/12/2025 22:28

Also if you get in touch with the foreign and commonwealth office and say 'I've not heard from my 25yo son for a week, he's travelling in Vietnam' they are not going to 'take you seriously'. They won't do anything. They're both incredibly touristy countries with young people who go there to have a really, really good time. They're not readying the sniffer dogs, they're not going to intervene in an adult's life.

He's not trying to trek to the north pole or traverse the Darien Gap on foot. It's basically a beach holiday.

Shewasafaireh · 05/12/2025 00:55

LighthouseLED · 04/12/2025 21:35

It is really restrictive.

I wouldn’t want to commit to having to contact my mum every 12 hours in the UK let alone having fun travelling when I may be in a bar, halfway up a mountain with no phone reception etc.

Show quote history

Which is why my DD decided on 12 hours. She’s not going to be up a mountain for 12 hours or in a bar for 12 hours, but she can quickly send a message while waiting for her dinner or while getting breakfast and organising her day.

It’s not rocket science, MN just likes being weird about everything.

andfinallyhereweare · 05/12/2025 00:59

Just call and text normally/as much as you can don’t put the pressure on for a set amount on contact, when I went travelling when I was 21 I just called when I wanted too…

Yesimmoaningaboutbenefits · 05/12/2025 01:04

I'd say you're looking at it the wrong way. You message him every few days to start a conversation (How was the temple? How was the beach? Did you arrive ok? etc.) Then he has the opportunity to converse rather than 'check in with mum'.

Elsvieta · 05/12/2025 06:33

saraclara · 04/12/2025 20:56

But he shouldn't have to feel that his mum is anxious and that he somehow has a responsibility for that.

Travelling when young is about building independence and taking responsibility for one's self. Not remaining to be digitally attached to home throughout.

Edited
Show quote history

Why not, if she is anxious? All it takes is a quick "Hi, I am fine, having a brilliant time, look at this awesome view where I am". And she can tell him that she and the rest of the family are ok too, which he hopefully cares about. It doesn't make him any less independent or responsible for himself. Married people travelling alone make contact with their spouse at least once a day, usually. It's just what families do.

So many women on MN complaining that their husbands are thoughtless self-centred pigs. So many women on MN encouraging their sons to be thoughtless self-centred pigs.

Gloriia · 05/12/2025 08:20

saraclara · 04/12/2025 20:56

But he shouldn't have to feel that his mum is anxious and that he somehow has a responsibility for that.

Travelling when young is about building independence and taking responsibility for one's self. Not remaining to be digitally attached to home throughout.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes and you can guarantee the first people he will call should he have a problem will be his parents, so 'independent' yes but also no doubt reliant on their help.

Tourists can go on their trips without checking in every hour, but messaging every couple of days when on a solo trip is absolutely normal and does not write the person off as some kind of wet mummy's boy.

blastfurnace · 05/12/2025 08:31

BasilPersil · 04/12/2025 22:28

Also if you get in touch with the foreign and commonwealth office and say 'I've not heard from my 25yo son for a week, he's travelling in Vietnam' they are not going to 'take you seriously'. They won't do anything. They're both incredibly touristy countries with young people who go there to have a really, really good time. They're not readying the sniffer dogs, they're not going to intervene in an adult's life.

He's not trying to trek to the north pole or traverse the Darien Gap on foot. It's basically a beach holiday.

Indeed! Daily check-ins achieve very little other than stopping you worrying. If DC miss a check-in (phone dies, in a remote area, they forget)...then what? You just get to worry but you have no means to do anything about it. It'd be better to just adjust expectations so you're not worrying if you've not heard from them for a few days.

Practically speaking, enabling location tracking is more useful as an actual safety measure, along with ensuring that the phone has emergency contacts set up and that the DC also has emergency contact details memorised in the event of losing their phone/wallet etc.