What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

[DizzyDucklings]

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

Because that creates an obligation hanging over his head when he should be immersing himself in this enriching experience.

The parents need to manage their own issues without putting the onus upon him.

Yes and you can guarantee the first people he will call should he have a problem will be his parents, so 'independent' yes but also no doubt reliant on their help.

That's normal up and down generations in most family's and always has been, it's called "next of kin", the police/ hospital/embassy will do it too if you're unconscious. It doesn't mean that everyone needs to be in constant contact or tracked as some people would with their adult children if they could.

Cheap Internationally roaming has a lot to answer for.

I have been to Thailand & Vietnam several times

Ensure has purchased travel insurance insurance

Ensure he observes visa requirements

Buy E SIM on mobile phone to stay connected

Keep passport safe

Be respectful of all monks, The Thai Royal Family & elder people

It is Asia, not the moon, he will be fine

Suggest ask him to WhatsApp you a couple of interesting photos of daily life once he is there

According to PPs I am not allowed to give him any advice. As an adult he should apparently either know it all, have researched it himself or basically find out the hard way.

Thanks anyway for your suggestion. I have ignored most peoples advice on here and have sent him off on his way with a hug and a kind instruction to check in every now and again with a picture for proof of life, not because we are worried but because we love him and just need to know he is safe. As a family we do not track our kids and will not be starting that now but have asked him to just let us know when he moves location. He seems very happy with this and says it is not too much to ask.

But OP he is a grown man. He should be researching it himself! Fine for you to remind him if it makes you feel better, but it really shouldn't be the first he's heard of any of this. If it is, then you should reflect on why he might be so useless.

We all have obligations towards our families - parents to children, children to parents. They're not suspended when we're on holiday. He can spare one minute in every 24 hours to let his mum know he's ok. (I wouldn't call concern for the wellbeing of your child an "issue"). A young person travelling is probably doing lots of updates and pictures etc for their friends; it doesn't take a moment to do a one-line email or text or social media post for the family. Presumably if something awful did actually happen to him, he'd be quick enough to call his parents, and they wouldn't be moaning about the "onus" being on them to care and to help. Families care about each other, and don't deliberately cause needless anxiety to each other. Why do some people find this so odd? I send my mum an email once a day when I travel, and I'm 48. It stops her worrying, and she likes to feel involved in what I'm doing, if only by seeing a picture. It's just being considerate. His parents have devoted a big chunk of their lives to getting him to this point - a healthy, capable, independent and confident person who can go off and live his own life. It's not unreasonable to teach him that he owes them just a tiny bit of consideration.

Actually to many of us, one of the great joys of traveling is detaching from everyday humdrum life.

Being tethered via a daily obligatory interaction would feel stifling and take us out of the moment.

I don’t know anyone who is so needy as to require a daily update.

Very well said.

If the parents don’t want to be his emergency contact, they should say so. But that’s totally irrelevant to demanding a daily check-in.

Love this. It’s a bit of a shift in attitude from your OP, but I think you’ve got this right.
Hope he has a fantastic time!

As the OP here I would like to know where I have demanded daily check ins? I think a lot of posters are projecting other posters anxiety onto me. I was looking for advice on what is reasonable. I’ve had an extreme of tracking, daily check ins, emails (who does this in the age of WhatsApp?) to the other extreme of not bothering at all and waiting for a call from the embassy before worrying.

MN is a strange place where a measured middle of the road response is very rare. I have learned a significant lesson in asking for advice on here.

Once a day! He's 25. How on earth is he supposed to go off and be independent if he has to check in with mummy once a day. When we went travelling back In the 90's it was a postcard every 6 weeks!

And my mention of who paid for the trip was not at all meant to sound like us having a controlling factor in his trip but more a point to the fact that whilst he is 25 years old, he still lives at home, we see each other everyday and is obviously (well to me) not as independent of his parents as he should be if he requires our financial input to go off on a jolly.

I was referring to others’ anecdotes and suggestions.

Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia

Wow, I feel very fortunate that my similarly-aged children funded their own travel! I would have had to say no to this request!

I have a 26 year old dd who solo travels fairly regularly. We have family tracking enabled through Life360, and she adds the hotels she’s staying in as set locations so I can see when she’s made it home safe each evening. She usually rings or WhatsApps everyday, and if she’s heading somewhere where she’s unlikely to have an internet signal for a few days (e.g. hiking in a remote area), she lets me know in advance and says when she expects to be back online.

I think this is where your thinking is questionable.

Is he not independent because he had some diagnosed/ undiagnosed SEN or is he not independent because he has had the misfortune to be born into a generation where pay is low, tax is high and house prices/ rent are even higher, in which case deeming him as "not as independent of his parents" is really unfair and belittling. It must be tough for both parents and adult offspring in this situation, but it might be worth you reflecting on it from your side whilst he is away.

In terms of asking for funding for the trip, you raised him, he is obviously comfortable asking, are you comfortable saying no. It's cheeky he asked, but now you've given it, it is a gift, and needs to be viewed as such.

You're not unreasonable to run through a last minute checklist before leaving the house, passport, tickets, insurance, methanol advice etc. But just the once and then leave him to it.

I think this bit is the issue, you aren't thinking of him as a fully fledged adult, and at 25 he definitely is! He isn't particularly young.

You can offer to be an emergency contact, but it's up to him. Then maybe text every 3-5 days if you haven't heard to see what he's up to.

I think there's a lot of poor relationships between parent - adult child coming into play with the responses too. My 47yo brother does a lot of solo travelling in remote (and sometimes dangerous) places. He still messages my mum every few days, or she messages him, not because he's been babied - quite the opposite with him! But because they have a good relationship and actually want to communicate with each other!

I think it's normal for a 25yo still stuck living with his parents to want a few weeks/ months totally parent free, and good for the relationship.

But he hasn’t said that he doesn’t want to contact us. I was simply asking what would be reasonable if anything for peace of mind.

Again… a lot of people projecting, filling in the story for themselves as if there is something more to what has been written, psycho analysing the question and not actually just giving a useful measured answer.

I have a 23 yr old son in NZ at present, he is a year in and takes part in some very adventurous sports such as MTB, snowboarding, mountaineering and multi day hikes. A couple of years ago my other son at 18 travelled Japan, Korea, China, Aus and NZ.
I have no expectation of them to contact me. And it does not freak me or upset me even if it is 10-14 days between a wee WhatsApp or a post on social media. My two are pretty responsive, but a non-response does not have me fearing the worst automatically. And if I did fear the worst, I don't share that with them.

They are grown adults, they are responsible for themselves.

Both of mine have ICE on their mobiles and carry information about who they are. The one in NZ has good housemates and a few of them have my number / can see who I am on social media. The day he did have a (big) MTB accident his pals were in contact quicker than he was - he was not even in the ambulance before they WhatsApp'ed me.

More then a few years ago when I travelled we had nothing but postcards and letters home - my parent heard from me once a fortnight or once a month.

Ok, when I traveled at the same age, I phoned my parents once a week (from a phone booth using an international phone card) and would try and get to an internet cafe once or twice a week and send an email, although as time was limited I would also try and send longer emails to my friends. However, times have changed, adult children are living with parents longer, so whilst some on here where moved out, married with kids by 25 back then, many parents are used to contact with their adult children every day. Also it’s easier and cheaper to keep in contact abroad now, you don’t have to internally wrangle about the cost of an internet cafe or a text. A WhatsApp photo takes literally seconds to send, no time out of your day at all. I would say a quick message every other day would be nice.

I think the ‘asking what would be reasonable’ bit suggested you wanted to impose rules on him whilst he is away.
You haven’t done that. All is good.

I think it's difficult to understand what you are asking then. If you're not expecting something, why are you asking other people on the Internet what's reasonable, ie what you should ask for from him? Sorry if you feel that's projection, but it does appear to imply an expectation so that's what people are responding to.

Just talk to your son about it, and try not to worry even if he doesn't stay in regular contact - he will be absolutely fine. Remember that these stories you hear of things happening to travellers abroad are one in a million.

I'm saying that it would be totally reasonable for him to not contact you at all and not a negative reflection on your relationship. Equally if he chooses to contact every day then that's fine. There is no "reasonable" or unreasonable in this situation. That's the problem, the answer you want doesn't exist.