Is husband right that I need psychological help? (Won’t eat outside of home)

[Melessah]

When I was 19 I had a very traumatic experience. I found half a mouse in a ready meal I had bought from a supermarket. It was in a curry. I created a post on twitter and a couple of papers actually picked up the story.

if was obviously very upsetting. I was a university student at the time living off ready meals. After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.

Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Husband obviously knew what he was signing up for when he married me. I do not see myself ever letting my guard down.

Anyway, we were on holiday and he really lost his cool with me. I was eating fruit and boiled eggs and he told me I need help. And that he was getting tired by my the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him.

I have spoken to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I don’t want to be like this. Who is the one that is being unreasonable

Sounds like you may have a form OCD or ARFIDs maybe.

You need to seek out help from a psychiatrist or chartered psychologist who is trained CBT and EMDR among other things.

I imagine this takes a lot of time, restricts your movements and generates a lot of distress day-to-day.

This must be really frustrating for you, OP. There is "disgust" within your emotional relationship with food and that can be really difficult to unpick and move on from. Which might explain why attempts so far by yourself and with a psychologist have not worked.

Can I ask:

Were you ill after the ready meal?
What was your reaction in the days that followed?

I really do think you would benefit from further therapy here. Make sure they are accredited and specialise in eating disorders and trauma.

I think you know you need help . It must be very frustrating for him to not be able to do what everyone else does , even a normal meal out . You chat have fast food or even packed food I’m assuming ?

What's an average weekly menu for you @Melessah

100%

You need to see an ED specialist.

Sounds like OCD which presents in food contamination anxiety’s. There’s are therapy’s that will help with this. Sounds very difficult

Hypnotherapy works well on this sort of thing. My sister was terrified of mice but hypnotherapy helped immensely.

@Melessah can I recommend EMDR to you?

Because you have a single point of trauma I think it could work wonders for you.

ive had it before and it really helped me.

I don't believe you are being unreasonable, because I don't think it's that simple for you. You have possibly developed a phobia as a result of your trauma. It may be that you are a person who is pre-disposed to having that kind of a response to a traumatic event. The point is though that even if you logically know that statistically such a nasty and disturbing experience is unlikely to happen to you again, the fear and avoidance response you have developed is not ruled by logic. You can't help that. It would be incerdibly difficult to overcome that on your own. If you want to move forward thpigh, your partner is right, you do need to seek help from (most probably) a Cognitive-Behavioural Psychologist. You need to start by going to your GP and explaining how your fear is detracting from your quality of life. He or she can get the ball rolling for you. You canchange this response. Good luck and take care.

It doesn't sound like you really do want to get help. I couldn't live like this. Your poor husband.

How would that ‘ruin’ your life? Sure those things are all enjoyable to most people, but there’s billions of other things to enjoy too. And, they’re not even all enjoyable to everyone, many people don’t like holidaying, they prefer just to potter around for example.

This resonates with me a lot because when I was pregnant a midwife told me some horrific stories about people losing their babies because of food borne infections. I was about to travel to my home country which is more risky for this. I also read about an influencer whose daughter developed cerebral palsy because of something she ate while on holiday. The result of this info, combined with very high anxiety at that time, meant I couldn’t bring myself to eat out unless it was a coffee or sealed drink or something. I did veer into eating things like hot chips as they have a very low risk. I then couldn’t eat anything at home that I had not very carefully reheated and wouldn’t eat anything fresh unless I had washed it thoroughly.

I had CBT which helped a lot but the ultimate cure was when I had had my baby and could go back into SSRIs. I really feel for you and you have to get professional help. If you had been in a car crash you would probably still need to travel by car. You need help to overcome this.

Oh my god, that’s horrific @Melessah! It’s no wonder you are struggling.

Could you maybe try to expand what you will eat while on holiday or out, for instance chips are quite safe and you can see everything. Any restaurant serves chips, then you can eat with your family. Then you can work up to eating other things in time.

I think pp response is pretty extreme regardless. You'd think life had nothing to offer outside of eating to listen to some people.
For balance, it wouldn't bother me anymore than being married to someone who didn't enjoy the theatre would bother me. Eating out is just one pleasure amongst the multiple others life has to offer. If I was married to someone who didn't want to eat for fun, then I'd eat out with other people and do things with my partner we both enjoyed. Which presumably is how you and your H have got along so far.
If you want to work on this for you, then go for it. But it doesn't make you some sort of freak who can't expect to keep a spouse.

You absolutely need help.

I wouldn't recommend CBT for this. I'd go straight for EMDR and you won't look back. Good luck OP. As someone else said, there is a very clear target memory so you could reprocess this fairly quickly.

Do you have orthorexia? It sounds like you do and that you would benefit from therapy for it. My SIL has it. It makes her deeply controlling for herself but also for everyone around her. It is very difficult.

Exactly, an eating disorder doesn't necessarily mean it's just about your physical health, you could be getting all the nutrients you need, but it can be something that affects your enjoyment of life and your daily routines and can 100% affect your mental health and the mental health of those around you.

Just because you're physically fit and healthy doesn't mean there's nothing sinister about it.

You do seem very proud of all this, it’s as if it’s how you identify yourself. And you shoot down in flames any suggestions which have been made.

Even saying 7 psychologists have failed to change you sounds like a boast.

I don’t think you want to change at all. That’s fine, your choice, but your husband also has a choice and it may not include you in the future. Yes, he knew IN THEORY ‘what he signed up for’ but quite honestly you sound like hard work. He is allowed to change his mind.

If you dont deny this, why would you think your husband was wrong when he said you needed help?

Something like dried pasta, you can see there is nothing weird on it and it gets boiled, could you try something like that as a start?

To be honest I can't even imagine how you and your DH got to the stage of marrying when you can't eat out of the house, can't eat foods from supermarkets etc. It must be very restricting. Where on earth do you get your food from?

If you can't eat food from restaurants or supermarkets where on earth are you getting your food from on holidays? Or can't you go abroad?

But this is why you need professional help, to guide you through the process of tackling your severe phobia.

If you want to change, and it is having an effect on your relationship, than why not do something about it?

I have several phobias. They used to be so restrictive, I avoided social situations, certain jobs, medical procedures etc. One day I thought this is so fucking stupid I need to get to grips with this. I found ways to reduce the problem, partly from self help, reading stuff online, and partly via my GP. They have not 100% gone, but are now manageable.

One thing that certainly doesn't help is avoiding all triggers completely. Your world will just get smaller and smaller. Is that really what you want?

Go straight to private. You’ll probably only need a handful of sessions. I’m actually excited for you at the potential change this could make for you.
it is expensive £70-100/ session. But worth it imo.

I don't see why it's restrictive on him. He can eat whatever he likes surely?

If you won't even allow stuff like that in the house I can see why he might find it a bit annoying. Or you refuse to go out to eat (even if you just had a drink or something safe)?

I've heard hypnotism can help with Arfid or food avoidances? If he's suggesting it then he can pay.