Is husband right that I need psychological help? (Won’t eat outside of home)

[Melessah]

When I was 19 I had a very traumatic experience. I found half a mouse in a ready meal I had bought from a supermarket. It was in a curry. I created a post on twitter and a couple of papers actually picked up the story.

if was obviously very upsetting. I was a university student at the time living off ready meals. After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.

Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Husband obviously knew what he was signing up for when he married me. I do not see myself ever letting my guard down.

Anyway, we were on holiday and he really lost his cool with me. I was eating fruit and boiled eggs and he told me I need help. And that he was getting tired by my the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him.

I have spoken to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I don’t want to be like this. Who is the one that is being unreasonable

OP I haven’t RTFT just your responses but have you considered you could have ARFID? I did some work for an ARFID charity once and your posts scream this out at me.

It's not just about eating out though, is it? If you read OP 's update, her eating is incredibly disordered at home, too. I can only imagine the her DH cooks for himself, because I'm sure he wants to eat more than just fruit and veg that's been scrubbed with vinegar.

I ate very normally prior to incident

@Melessah do you use any ingredients from tins, packets etc eg tinned tomatoes, herbs, spices, flour?

Yes you should definitely get help. You actually have ARFID. You do realise that although a bit grim, a mouse is actually not inherently disgusting? No more so than rabbit which lots of people eat.

What about tea bags? Coffee? Milk?

Your husband sounds frustrated, most people would be.

It’s up to you if you want to change your eating habits, if you do then EMDR is great for trauma.

Yes, the fact that you don’t trust the hygiene of a restaurant worker is a separate thing from the ready meal. In factories, people aren’t so hands on and I can see how something could get in without them seeing. In a restaurant, it’s not the same, so the fact you have extended your feelings to include other foods that are even less likely to be contaminated would be difficult for your DH I would imagine.

@Melessah what happened to you was disgustingly awful and of course you are traumatised. Your reaction is perfectly understandable.

But it's time for you to live your life in full again. The restrictions and safe bubble you've created for yourself are limiting your ability to fully enjoy your food and life.

Logically, you know that what happened didn't kill you and was a super rare event but you have trained your mind to be stuck in that fight or flight mode when it comes to food and that is not a healthy way to live.

Seek out further help from a professional. Don't let this beat you.

If you are honest with yourself, you've taken it to the fullest extreme. You went from no prepped meals to no meals prepped by other people and there is no logical reason for that. A chef preparing you food takes the same care a reasonable home cook does. They are inspected by Enviromental Health. You can even pre-vet restaurants based on their rating and their open plan kitchens so you can see food being made.

Your partner is fed up and this is not worth losing someone you love over without even trying to get proper help. You don't even have to push for a full cure - just to get enough of your life back where you and DH can go to a restaurant or cafe and have a date. To go on holiday and eat at the buffet.

Try. That is all you can do and so far, you have been indulging this disorder rather than fighting it.

You said you "spoke to" a psychologist. What does that mean? Did you have psychotherapy or not?

Hi OP. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. I am a clinical psychologist and I'd highly recommend EMDR to treat this. I totally understand your coping mechanisms and if it's not disrupting your life significantly then you may not wish to try therapy but I want you to know that it is treatable.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but I DO think you would benefit from some help

Yes I agree, I once opened a can of beans slightly and bit of juice dribbled down the side so I cleaned it with my fingers and ate it, then when I finished opening the can the contents shot out all over the worktop as the can was filled with mouldy stuff and had clearly created pressure in the tin (which I guess is what caused it to dribble out)

I ran out of the kitchen screaming and wouldn't open a can of beans for about 3 months, but I got over it and it didn't affect anything else.

You do seem to have developed Cibophobia which is obv by definition irrational, but you can get help with this.

What Is Cibophobia (Fear of Food)? Symptoms, Causes, Treatment

I've been in relationships with someone with disordered eating and it did make it difficult. So much of socialising revolves around food and meals and I felt like I was missing out on so many experiences that most people take for granted because of their issues so I understand the frustration your H is feeling. But you should do therapy for you regardless of what he thinks. Your life would be better if you could address your issues. Wishing you the best OP.

I would divorce a partner that was like this and refused help.

I wouldn’t use anything in a tin. But I do buy flour (and check when I decant into my jars). I buy fresh herbs that I wash.

Do you buy pasta or lentils or other dried goods you can get in packs?

I’ve never refused help. I must have seen 7+ professionals

Yes you need professional help, surely you can see that. It’s not your fault but this can be dealt with. You owe it to yourself and your family to do so.

Don’t buy pasta. Would make it myself. Have a bread maker which has a setting for it. Don’t eat it a lot.

I do buy lentils in a bag.

I’m not saying my rules make sense btw. Obviously mice could end up in my flour but if I want bread that’s what I would have to do. TBH I do tend to eat potatoes as bread making etc is a faff.

You do have an eating disorder and you do need to seek help.

Funnily enough my close friend who also has a huge eating disorder also cites a decent marathon time as evidence that she's well. She isn't though, her relationship with food is dreadful, extremely restrictive and affects everyone around her. It's not an indicator of a healthy relationship with food (or even overall health, I increasingly think from observing her).

Anyway, would it help to work towards a goal? Maybe set a new year's resolution to eat in a restaurant with your husband in 2026 and think about what it would take for you to be able to do that? Probably with the help of a counsellor.

Then you obviously agree that your husband is right and you do need help.

why couldnt you eat chips from a chip shop? Straight out of the frying oil - in one of the chippys were you can see the fryer so you know there’s nothing in the oil?

I mean; of course that was disgusting and you are not unreasonable to have had a reaction to it, but I think this definitely qualifies as a quality of life issue. It’s certainly impacting your relationships. If you have children, would you insist they avoid the same food?

You need to work on accepting that the extremely rare even that happened to you is just that.