Is husband right that I need psychological help? (Won’t eat outside of home)

[Melessah]

When I was 19 I had a very traumatic experience. I found half a mouse in a ready meal I had bought from a supermarket. It was in a curry. I created a post on twitter and a couple of papers actually picked up the story.

if was obviously very upsetting. I was a university student at the time living off ready meals. After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.

Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Husband obviously knew what he was signing up for when he married me. I do not see myself ever letting my guard down.

Anyway, we were on holiday and he really lost his cool with me. I was eating fruit and boiled eggs and he told me I need help. And that he was getting tired by my the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him.

I have spoken to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I don’t want to be like this. Who is the one that is being unreasonable

I don't know. Sometimes you think you can deal with something, especially in the first flush of romance, but then when you think of spending the rest of your life never being able to go out to a restaurant or have a takeaway its a different prospect. OP you seem to have quite a serious eating disorder, so you do need to try more therapy or see someone about it.

So you only eat home cooked foods? I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. In fact it’s healthy.
whilst I wouldn’t want to eat like that, as I get lots of joy from eating out, both at home and on holiday, (nor would I get married to someone who does) - BUT - your husband knew this before he married you!

if you don’t want to eat like this, then yes clearly you will need help. But it actually sounds like you are healthy so make sure you choose the right choice for you.

DH as a child ate a boiled egg and found out it was a fertilised egg so baby chicken inside it. Not keen on eggs ever since but does eat pretty much everything else. Does eat things with egg in.

So boiled eggs aren’t always safe.

Have therapy, can’t be much fun having such a restricted diet, and part of the fun on going on holiday is sampling the food in other countries

It sounds traumatic (and I speak as somone who ate half a slug last summer in inadequately washed salad leaves, but as it was ME who had inadequately washed them after picking them in my garden I've nobody to blame). But the chances of plain, ordinary supermarket food being contaminated is tiny. Really tiny. Did you have anxiety and/or food issues before the ready meal incident? Because most people would think 'that was nasty' but then move on. Your inability to move past it is now impacting your life and your DHs. Talk to another therapist.

Do you want to change your situation, or do you want DH to stop going on about it and leave you alone?

I think any kind of eating disorder needs help to get to grips with mentally OP. You probably do need help, this sort of thing ruins lives.

Admitting to yourself you have disordered eating will probably be the first step.

So for example, I eat A LOT of fruit and veg. I know that fertiliser is used. But I know that they can be washed. The germs of the fertiliser don’t bother me.

But I would never buy a pre made vegetable dish. Ie a bag of chopped stir fry veg from a supermarket. I would buy the ingredients myself, clean them and then eat

I’d find it very hard to be married to someone who wouldn’t go out for meals, or eat the food on holiday. It is putting restrictions on him. And any children you have or are going to have. Get help and get it sorted out.

Chips straight out of a hot chip fryer are sure to be hygienic. If you wash everything in vinegar you do have a problem, maybe a germ phobia. Doesn't everything just taste of vinegar? Proper vinegar is fermented you know and the rest is a chemical concoction.

No I ate anything and everything before

Not a professional but I would think you could do with trauma-informed counselling; and/or someone experienced in phobias? It’s limiting your life and if you say you don’t want to be like this any more, therapy is the way to achieve this.

I just question the facilities and the person handling the food.

Obviously what I’m doing is not 100% rational. I acknowledge that

Then a therapist (a good one) should be able to get you through this. It's not hugely complicated by previous issues.

I know her and it did.
Never went on holiday , never went to a restaurant / cafe .
Never ate a meal away from the home including her daughters house . Never ate anything anyone had made " homemade " including birthday cake made by family members. Never going to anyone's house for a cup of tea.
Never having a night away in hotel / b&b .

Shall I go on ?

Most of the eggs I eat are from my mums chickens. So that’s not really an issue.

but also I tend to cut them in half (just prefer to eat it that way) and I would just chuck if that were the case. As long as it doesn’t go near my mouth.

I can completely understand why this has affected you, of course you are put off food when out after what happened but yes you do need help to deal with it.

That's a very disproportionately extreme response to an unpleasant experience.

I once found a very large (dead, obviously) spider in a tin of spinach I was making a curry with. I took the tin and contents (including spider) back to the store and was given a refund (and later compensation in vouchers from HO), didn't feel like dinner that night and no longer buy tinned spinach. I continued to eat normally. That's a proportional response to a very similar incident.

I think you need specialist help. You seem to have developed an eating disorder/phobia

I don’t think YABU but I also can understand why your husband got annoyed.

Have you looked into ARFID? I wonder if long term CBT might help to some extent.

Good luck.

I think its not up to your husband or anybody to tell you what you should do and getting psychological help only works if YOU want to change. BUT anyone can leave anyone for any reason.....

I think you would benefit from help. But I understand your issue.
I once had a lovely salad from a sandwich shop garnished with black olives. I was several mouthfuls into it before realising one of the olives was moving. It was a black beetle. Shouldn’t have really been a problem but I have a bit of a phobia with beetles, after a rather exotic one climbed up my T shirt as a child. Totally irrational.

We are invaded by May bugs every year, if you’ve ever encountered one you will understand how triggering they are if you don’t like beetles.

Despite my quirky phobia it doesn’t stop me eating out, fortunately it’s usually too cold to eat outside in May.

You may find CBT helpful.

How do you know the vinegar is safe @Melessah

"Obviously what I’m doing is not 100% rational. I acknowledge that" and I do think you should do something about it, so your Dh is right about seeking help. It is understandable but your fear is spoiling eating out with your Dh probably your friends too. You can see from the voting that you are being unreasonable. Maybe your Dh thought it would be something you would grow out of or improve over time.

In my mind a spider and half a rotten mouse whose guts have mixed with the sauce are not equal. Environmental health were involved and it was concluded I likely consumed mouse material.

What will happen if you have children and are unable to breastfeed for any reason. Would you be happy to give them formula?

Yes, you need professional help. You need to get beyond the traumatic experience and move on.

You must see that refusing to eat outside the home has a huge impact on other people? You can never go out for dinner or stay in hotels presumably. Your own restrictive behaviour is a restriction for your husband too.