AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

[Francine84]

I might be being completely unreasonable here but I can’t get it out of my head. My 2 year old started nursery around 9 months ago and has always been very happy there. Always happy to go in and they told us that she’s happy all day, hardly ever cries.

In the last week she has become very clingy, waking up crying from naps and during the night calling for me. Really out of character for her but I put it down to separation anxiety.

She goes to nursery Wed-Fri and yesterday when I dropped her off the only male member of the nursery staff answered the door and my daughter burst into tears and was clinging to me. It was heartbreaking, I had to hand her over and she was hysterical. When I picked her up in the afternoon her key worker (female) said she was emotional all day, which again is so unlike her. She hasn’t cried at nursery drop off since she first started earlier this year. And even then once she had settled in she was happy all day.

This morning the same man answered the door again and the same thing happened - hysterical crying and holding on to me.

Given the recent news about a male nursery worker abusing the children in his care I can’t shake the thought that something is wrong. Why is my daughter suddenly so clingy and unhappy? I know that men work in nurseries but it seems like it’s only this particular member of staff that she has that reaction with.

AIBU to say something to nursery? What would I even say?

Or am I overreacting and this is normal for 2 year olds to have very clingy phases? I just want to protect her and it makes me feel so sad to think she’s not happy at nursery.

Advice would be much appreciated!

I would get advice from your GP and the police. Don’t make accusations but just get advice from appropriate places.

I don’t blame you OP, I’d feel the same and look for an all female nursery. I’ll probably get flamed for saying I’d want an all female one but it’s no different to saying I would prefer a female midwife. The latter you don’t get a choice of course but you’re paying for the nursery so you can chose what staff your prefer.

TBH I am struggling with the idea that you left your daughter there.

You dont owe anyone anything, not to make sure they are comfortable, not to swallow your concerns, nothing.

Aside from your child, You owe them everthing as a young child, its your sole responsibility to be their advocate.

I might not go in there screaming the guys might be touching kids but its well within your remit to raise your concerns about your child's separation anxiety and their recent unhappiness with the manager and see what is suggested.

Listen to your gut.
I'd never send my child to a nursery with male workers.

I mean it could be something, but also my LO has always been absolutely fine going to nursery, and then around the age of 2 had a 2 week period where she was hysterical at drop off, really clingy.

Stopped as quickly as it started.

So I’d have a chat with nursery about helping her re-settle.

Is the male worker new? Could it be she’s just not as used to men?

I would feel the same.

I'd move nurseries, it's not worth the risk. Great advice above about doctor and police.

Is the member of staff new?

I think it’s fairly likely that whoever had opened the door could have led to this reaction because she knows that the door opening means she’s going in and you are leaving.

That’s not to say I don’t think there’s an issue. Just that I wouldn’t focus entirely on him because that may let something else go undetected.

I would go with your gut instinct. I would be having a meeting with the nursery manager to get to the bottom of your daughters anxiety. If the concerns aren't taken seriously maybe change her nursery to an all female nursery? I wouldn't take the risk.

That’s what I was hoping, that it’s just a temporary phase she’s going through.

And yes the member of staff is fairly new, she’s less familiar with him than any of the other staff. So could be a coincidence. It’s just shaken me a bit, the fact that he’s the only man there.

My dd had this with a female key worker. She was just a grumpy woman who got irritated by dd. We asked for a change. I would speak to the nursery about it. Share your concerns. Ask about safeguarding.

Definitely share your concerns about how unsettled your daughter is.

It may just be something about this member of staff - a friend’s son was terrified of deep male voices at about that age and he’d never been left with any man other than his dad (who doesn’t have a very deep voice, and who he was fine with) - but whatever the reason they should be able to find a way of settling her more.

Sorry but what is it that people think the doctor and the police are going to do?? Examination to assess possible sexual abuse is extremely invasive, should only be done by a special team when certain criteria are met.

Sometimes young children will dislike a certain member of staff. My guess would be that this is more likely to happen with a male worker because two year olds feel safer with things that aren't different. Men in the nursery setting are different therefore more likely to trigger the response.

Statistically males are also more likely to be abusers so I'm not saying to not be vigilant. I would absolutely raise it with the nursery manager and if you don't feel comfortable then move her.

I woulnd't send a small child to a nursery with male staff.

What happens when a female staff member opens the door?

I think this is very normal for a 2 year old to go through unsettled phases like this, and your mind is just getting worked up over something upsetting you saw in the news.

Mine both started nursery at 9 months, and then through phases like this at 2 and 3 and again during reception and Y1. I think it’s quite normal, but I’d ask if another member of staff can help you to settle her better. It doesn’t have to be because he’s a man and perceived as a potential risk. Maybe she just has someone else she is closer to.

She is probably picking up on your anxiety handing her over to a man.... She can sense that you don't want to and that must be very confusing.

My 2 year old DC suddenly started getting upset at drop off after being at the nursery for over a year and never being upset. The staff hadn’t changed, they had actually moved up from the babies to toddler room with him. He just seemed to develop some separation anxiety and realise we were leaving him. Slightly different though as the staff always said he was happy once we left.

Does your DC have certain staff members they are closer to? How do they act around other staff? My DCs nursery has 2 males working there which doesn’t bother me at all, they are in the preschool area though so don’t help with toileting/ personal care (eldest DC was in preschool with them).

It’s totally normal for them to go through these phases. With mine, it usually meant they were coming down with something, or teething, or going through a developmental leap.

Does the nursery have a manual/policy on how intimate care is delivered? Are you happy with that policy?

To all the posters saying they wouldn’t use a nursery with male staff - doesn’t your nursery ever use agency staff to cover an absence??

Could you speak to nursery staff, explain what’s been happening and ask if someone else could open the door next time? Arrange to phone them just before you arrive, then see if DD reacts the same way to a woman at the door. Whether she does or not, I think you need to discuss the problem with the manager, unless that’s the man she’s frightened of. Don’t let it continue.

There could be a number of reasons why your DD is upset at nursery drop off. If she was emotional all day I'd think it's something more than this man opening the door.
Perhaps she doesn't like some of the children who are in? Maybe she just misses you? Maybe there have been a lot of changes with children and staff recently and it's unsettled her? Maybe she's just not used to seeing a man working there?
Absolutely go to the manager and discuss your DDs behaviour. A decent nursery will want her to be happy.
Your could of course change nursery to an all female staff one but what happens if your DD settles there and then a male member of staff joins the nursery?

I think the first post about going to GP with concerns is good. My DD goes to a childminder who has a young male helper. I was skeptical at first but I know his background and reasons for being there and he is a good worker and very trustworthy.

The youngest kids still gravitate towards the childminder and take much longer to settle with him. I think many babies and very young kids have an innate weariness of strange men for whatever reason.

I don't think it's fair to ban male early years childcare workers, but having solid safeguarding in place and trusting your gut is important.

Agree with PP that there could be a number of other reasons your DD is going through a clingy phase, that are worth a conversation with the manager about before you start thinking about abuse.

Have there been changes in the rooms recently? At our old nursery December was usually a bit of a changeover time, with kids moving rooms after a big changeover in September as well. Maybe she's under the weather and feeling a bit grim, but not ill enough for a temperature/other symptoms? Maybe a phase of separation anxiety?

Now you're alert to it I would be seeing how she is the next few drop offs, and asking for a meeting with the manager to discuss why she is suddenly unsettled and what they could do, before jumping to any conclusions or accusations.

Listen to your gut. Whatever the reason,your daughter isn't happy there. It could be something simple like she finds his voice a bit scary because he shouts but I don't blame you thinking the worst with everything in the news at the moment 😔