AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

[Francine84]

I might be being completely unreasonable here but I can’t get it out of my head. My 2 year old started nursery around 9 months ago and has always been very happy there. Always happy to go in and they told us that she’s happy all day, hardly ever cries.

In the last week she has become very clingy, waking up crying from naps and during the night calling for me. Really out of character for her but I put it down to separation anxiety.

She goes to nursery Wed-Fri and yesterday when I dropped her off the only male member of the nursery staff answered the door and my daughter burst into tears and was clinging to me. It was heartbreaking, I had to hand her over and she was hysterical. When I picked her up in the afternoon her key worker (female) said she was emotional all day, which again is so unlike her. She hasn’t cried at nursery drop off since she first started earlier this year. And even then once she had settled in she was happy all day.

This morning the same man answered the door again and the same thing happened - hysterical crying and holding on to me.

Given the recent news about a male nursery worker abusing the children in his care I can’t shake the thought that something is wrong. Why is my daughter suddenly so clingy and unhappy? I know that men work in nurseries but it seems like it’s only this particular member of staff that she has that reaction with.

AIBU to say something to nursery? What would I even say?

Or am I overreacting and this is normal for 2 year olds to have very clingy phases? I just want to protect her and it makes me feel so sad to think she’s not happy at nursery.

Advice would be much appreciated!

@Francine84How is her speech? Could she tell you anything about what they do at nursery? Which adults do what?

It probably is nothing, but I completely understand the worry. Maybe before you go to any agency, you could try to find out if there was anything unpleasant from your DD? 'Playing' nursery, either role play or with dolls, might get her to show you what's wrong.

It could easily be something innocent like the female staff will hug her, but he doesn't so she doesn't like him. Or he's a bit stricter than the others. Or he doesn't do the activities she likes. But it's worth trying to find out what it is or you'll kill yourself with worry.

But who is weirdly assuming that childcare facilities should be female-only spaces?

There's a world of difference between a toilet facility, changing room, prison, close living quarters that is exclusively for the safety, privacy and dignity of females (all of which have a separate male equivalent for men) and an institutionalised daytime version of the nuclear family home - with children being looked after, protected and cared for by adults.

Can you imagine the uproar if somebody tried to start a male-only nursery, with exclusively male staff (all DBS checked, vetted and subject to strict safeguarding rules, of course) for male babies and toddlers only - who in turn could then maintain their dignity, at an age where they cannot yet express their consent, in not being forced to have their nappies changed and bums wiped by a stranger of the opposite sex?!

Slight update. Dropped her at nursery this morning and her keyworker answered the door and greeted her. She still burst into tears and clung to me, so I think she’s going through a phase of separation anxiety and finds it hard to say goodbye to me.

I'm relieved that she had the same reaction with a female member of staff. But it’s so hard not to jump to conclusions and you just want to protect your child and keep them safe.

Nursery told me that she was absolutely fine a minute after I left and playing happily with her friends.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. Really interesting to hear different opinions on this topic.

We need more men in childcare, not because we want to uplift or pander to men, but because we need children to see that men and women are both equally able to nurture and most normal people want to live in a society where men and women are treated equally.

We also need to ensure good safeguarding to protect children against a minority of men who might be seeking access to children for the wrong reasons. No-one- male or female- should be left alone with children.

Because most nurseries follow legislation and best practise to keep children safe, abuse in nurseries is rare, and when it does happen, it makes national news. In the recent case of Vincent Chan, I don't doubt that Bright Horizons will be conducting an internal review to find out how this happened.

However, is what he did worse than Katie Roughley, who effectively tortured a baby girl to death? This isn't a Disney movie, and you can't tell who is a villain just by looking at them.

No I agree. Ive heard many men say that the reason they feel awkward when their mum or partner coos over a baby and nudges them to acknowledge it is because theyre worried people will think they are a paedophile.

In fact, when i was growing up, one of the boys around my way just had a way with little ones. They always gravitated towards him. These kids would be the siblings and nieces and nephews of his friends. His friends used to rib him about being a paedo.

It's toxic masculinity at work.

I think it’s really important to have men working at nurseries and infant schools. There are so many children being brought up by a single mum, myself included, and lacking in a positive male role model. We should be encouraging men to come into the profession.

When I was a child, my father was the parent who looked after my brother and me. He prepared the evening meal when he got back from work, bathed us (only on a Sunday in those days), read to us, and got up in the night if we were unwell. At the time (the 1960s) this was pretty unusual. Consequently, it has never seemed odd to me that men should care for small children. I think that some adults are just more attuned to what children need than others, even though the assumption continues to be made that women are more nurturing than men. But the figures on child sexual abuse speak loudly. It is for childcare professionals collectively to devise enhanced child protection and safeguarding measures that both reassure parents and enable men to work in the sector.

It is very important that men are encouraged and supported to work in the childcare sector. Otherwise women will continue to be the only ones working in the underpaid social care roles why do we want to pigeon hole ourselves like that? Also why do we think the indirect messaging to children that only women can do these roles is a positive for our daughters and our sons?

I wouldn’t have sent my children to nursery but especially not to a nursery with a male staff member. My friend used to work in nurseries and although there are meant to be things in place to minimise the chance of abuse, she said those things often don’t happen due to lack of staff and people just being complacent. It’s not a risk I’d take with my children.

I mean pedophiles don’t need to work hard to have access to children in early year settings because half the posters on here would open the door, drop their kids in their laps and skip away into the sunset. Jesus. You can copy and paste several studies, statistics and articles but some people will forever be male serving.

I saw at least one post say it was ridiculous and separate anxiety was normal.

OR we could value these roles and pay them more highly ;)