AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

[Francine84]

I might be being completely unreasonable here but I can’t get it out of my head. My 2 year old started nursery around 9 months ago and has always been very happy there. Always happy to go in and they told us that she’s happy all day, hardly ever cries.

In the last week she has become very clingy, waking up crying from naps and during the night calling for me. Really out of character for her but I put it down to separation anxiety.

She goes to nursery Wed-Fri and yesterday when I dropped her off the only male member of the nursery staff answered the door and my daughter burst into tears and was clinging to me. It was heartbreaking, I had to hand her over and she was hysterical. When I picked her up in the afternoon her key worker (female) said she was emotional all day, which again is so unlike her. She hasn’t cried at nursery drop off since she first started earlier this year. And even then once she had settled in she was happy all day.

This morning the same man answered the door again and the same thing happened - hysterical crying and holding on to me.

Given the recent news about a male nursery worker abusing the children in his care I can’t shake the thought that something is wrong. Why is my daughter suddenly so clingy and unhappy? I know that men work in nurseries but it seems like it’s only this particular member of staff that she has that reaction with.

AIBU to say something to nursery? What would I even say?

Or am I overreacting and this is normal for 2 year olds to have very clingy phases? I just want to protect her and it makes me feel so sad to think she’s not happy at nursery.

Advice would be much appreciated!

2% of women or 2% of the population of convicted sex offenders?

@OneGreySeal
A child crying two days on the trot at nursery age does not warrant phoning the police or putting the child through a traumatic medical examination.

I know the stats. Most of the time it is a family member.

I have a different view to you. That is not a justification for accusing me of misogyny. It isn't fear of offending men. It is about perspective and not having a knee jerk reaction to what is actually very normal two year old behaviour. Or a knee jerk reaction to a news story - things tend to make the news precisely because they are unusual.

Thank you for this post - it's always good to have a balanced post

It’s not an unusual thing to happen at 2, I would start with talking to the manager. DD definitely started to have more opinions and awareness at that age.

I totally get the nervousness about male staff but DD went to nursery with a male worker and she absolutely adored him. The setting only used him with the older children which I think was deliberate as meant no nappy changes etc so he wasn’t put in situations where there could be a perception of extra risk but DD still talks about him now.

I suppose for me it would be based on how the setting is set up- the one we used was designed in a way that staff were never on their own with kids, changing areas and toilets were integrated in to the rooms, no separate sleeping areas either so it was all very open if that makes sense. Nowhere anyone could hide away with any children.

Also there were always other males present, not just the room staff, they had an onsite maintenance person/minibus driver who was male and the husband of the nursery owner who did all the finances was male. So it would never have been a female staff only space.

I wouldn’t ignore this @Francine84 but equally I think it is very unlikely to be anything sinister. But their response will tell you everything.

This is such a shame

One of my kids had a phobia of old ladies, another of them had a phobia of men with beards…. All started around toddler age and to some extent the one that was scared of old ladies still avoids them.
We can only think that one may have tried to interact with him when he was in a pram and it left a lasting impression.
I would have a meeting with the nursery because any sudden change in behaviour should be discussed.
If you can find another setting that you think would suit your little one better, smaller team and you’d feel happier with her in an all female team then you wouldn’t be unreasonable to move her.
My nephew goes to a nursery where there is a male member of staff, he’s super popular and a lovely bloke. I saw a news article on tv fairly recently about how they are trying to encourage more male staff in early years/nurseries because many children lack a male role model, so I think seeing men in daycare settings will become more ‘normal’.

I agree with you - but then it seems we both have deep rooted misogyny and are apologists for/downplaying CSA 🤷‍♀️

Bless her, this is a really difficult situation to be in.

I wouldn’t send my child to a nursery with a male member of staff. I understand that most men aren’t abusers, but it’s really not worth the risk, and given that most guys wouldn’t want to work with young children (sad but true), I’d be wondering what their motivation is.

Really difficult OP. Can you ask a female member of staff to be at handover and check your daughter’s reaction? Either way, you should trust your instincts, they’re there for a reason.

But in my opinion this is a prime example of why men shouldn’t be in nurseries. The children can’t speak up and men are too much of a risk.

My choice was either that or leave dc with the grandparents who made it very clear that they would feed them food they are allergic to and cbeebies would be their only entertainment. My nephew who was with them has a severe speech delay. I'll take nursery and 'strangers' over lazy family members any day. My dc loved nursery and former close bonds to with key workers who they still see regularly ten years on. In contrast my dc couldn't pick their grandparents out of a line up despite seeing them regularly because they refuse to interact with the children.

Why would you make a distraught child - your child - go with a male nursery worker? She's distraught - a mother must do the right thing and look after her own flesh and blood.

I would ask about this. With mine the nappy change area has a big door they keep open so no one is ever alone.

I would not send my kids to a nursery that employed male staff any sooner than I would employ a female bodyguard, if I ever needed such a person.

My late baby son's lead nurse in the NICU was male. He would have changed his clothes, wires, nappy ect. My baby was 3 days old so completely vulnerable as you could get. I completely trusted him, our baby was dying. He was fantastic to be honest.

I wont in any way criticise any parent who makes choices for their kids so if this mom wants to remove her kids, absolutely, but do we ban all men in settings with young children, babies? Physios, nurses, doctors - all extremely hands on professions?

That's the key thing here. Male or female, there should be more than one supervising.

I didn't send my kids to nursery but if I had done, I wouldn't have sent them to one with male workers. And no I don't care if that upsets men or frankly anyone.

I havent rtft but I'm geniunely surprised as I expressed the same opinion on a deeply MC / high earning / "educated" mums WA group where the question of male carers in the baby room came up and i was roundly and soundly shouted down by the group and dismissed as an uneducated hysterical idiot (they were more erudite in their articulation about the stupidity of my views 🤣🤣) so assumed i was a minority

The U.K. is very much in its infancy state when it comes to male nursery workers.

You don’t understand the statistics because if you did you would understand the alarming rate of risk when you allow a male to work in a nursery setting.

The whole argument that family members abuse too is redundant because no one is arguing here that one is worse than the other. What is being brought to people’s attention that men overwhelmingly commit CSA at such a large scale that it quadruples the risk posed to children when you have a male nursery risk.

Australia is ahead of us with male nursery workers and this is the trajectory of the U.K. if males continue to access this job.

Telling OP not to overreact because you seem to think ‘not all men’ some how trumps OP taking measures to safeguard her child from a valid potential risk emanates from your misogyny.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-10-27/childcare-centres-paedophiles-abuse-four-corners/105926324

I have to agree with this. What could the police do?

Good lord. I managed a chain of nightclubs for a while. Of all of our security people, the women were consistently the most scary ones that I would never have dreamed of messing with! They knew how to use stature and body weight incredibly effectively and sometimes (not always) benefitted from being better at de-escalation in the first place. Genuinely, if I suddenly get rich and famous and need a bodyguard, out of my top three I would call and offer a personal security job to, two were women.

I will admit to being privately skeptical about my friend's "manny" until I met him. When I saw him with their children I was absolutely convinced that he was there for no other reason than because he loves working with children and is very good at it.

I feel quite strongly that we have to keep the recent news in proportion and not make regressive steps in society. Men are absolutely capable of having the nurturing instinct (that I personally as a woman lack!) and being good at childcare without nefarious intentions, and it would be horribly regressive for women if we allowed any societal backslide into mens jobs and womens jobs.

Also the idea that a male worker is automatically suspicious is just absurd and not a little offensive, despite what the hysterics on here would say.

One of my uncles was conceived while my grandfather was home on furlough from WWII. Between fighting overseas and having a long stay in hospital after he was wounded and nearly lost a leg, my grandfather didn’t see my uncle for over a year, and when he came home, my uncle, age two and a half, started crying all the time. This strange man had come to his house and wasn’t leaving!

Absent any other things that trouble you, my guess would be that if the nursery worker is connected at all to your daughter’s distress, it’s because little kids are frequently more scared of strange men than they are of strange women. I think it’s the difference in size and the deeper voices.

Hysterics? Gracious, us silly women, being concerned by the statistics! When will we learn?

Men as a demographic ruin things for themselves by being 98% of sexual offenders. Not all men, no, but almost always men, and that needs to be taken into account. Would you rather have the demographic that only commits 2% of sexual offences look after your non-verbal child, or the demographic that commits 98%? And how is that even a choice?

I'm sure that the majority of American XL Bully type dogs are lovely and gentle, but the fact that they comprise half (not 98% but a mere half) of fatal dog attacks means that very few parents would be happy to leave their toddler in the company of an XL Bully. I think most people would consider that reasonable and not at all hysterical. Gosh, I wonder why?

I mean there are two things here, if you do believe this man is doing anything untoward to your daughter then why are you continuing to leave her there. Also I don't think that a man working at a nursery means he is a paedophile or means your daughter any ill will, unofrtuntely there are as many cases of women as men being responisble for harming children in a nursery setting.

I do think that it's probably a lot more to do with your daughter not recognising him because he's a new member of staff. I also can't believe that people are saying they wouldn't use a nursery with men working there, would this also apply to sport coaches, teachers, tutors...

What do people saying "call the police" or "take your child to the GP" think would happen? The facts that exist are a 2yo child who has attended a nursery pretty happily for 9 months has now cried on being dropped off the last two days, and that a male member of staff opened the door on those two days. Do you seriously think that a 2yo child crying when they see someone is enough basis for the police to open an investigation. And what would a not-trained-in-forensic-sexual-abuse-examination GP be looking for exactly? You as a parent can look for any concerning physical signs like finger mark bruising or rashes or tears or UTIs.

Numerous other posters have said above that their children went through phases of being particularly clinging and upset at drop off for a few weeks then it stopped, with no suggestion it was linked to a member of staff abusing them!

Yes ask the nursery to reassure you about their safeguarding policies and how things like nappy changing and personal care are managed. I'm sure lots of parents are extra concerned about those sorts of things right now and the nursery should want to ensure parents understand how they are protecting children, and their staff from allegations.