AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

[Francine84]

I might be being completely unreasonable here but I can’t get it out of my head. My 2 year old started nursery around 9 months ago and has always been very happy there. Always happy to go in and they told us that she’s happy all day, hardly ever cries.

In the last week she has become very clingy, waking up crying from naps and during the night calling for me. Really out of character for her but I put it down to separation anxiety.

She goes to nursery Wed-Fri and yesterday when I dropped her off the only male member of the nursery staff answered the door and my daughter burst into tears and was clinging to me. It was heartbreaking, I had to hand her over and she was hysterical. When I picked her up in the afternoon her key worker (female) said she was emotional all day, which again is so unlike her. She hasn’t cried at nursery drop off since she first started earlier this year. And even then once she had settled in she was happy all day.

This morning the same man answered the door again and the same thing happened - hysterical crying and holding on to me.

Given the recent news about a male nursery worker abusing the children in his care I can’t shake the thought that something is wrong. Why is my daughter suddenly so clingy and unhappy? I know that men work in nurseries but it seems like it’s only this particular member of staff that she has that reaction with.

AIBU to say something to nursery? What would I even say?

Or am I overreacting and this is normal for 2 year olds to have very clingy phases? I just want to protect her and it makes me feel so sad to think she’s not happy at nursery.

Advice would be much appreciated!

I would think it was more the separation/going into nursery that triggered the upset, rather than a particular person. This is very common.

I'd probe a bit more about how she is at nursery - is the "emotional" all day now common? Are there things that seem to trigger it?

I’ve worked in many nurseries and some young children just do not like male faces.

With regards to safeguarding, is the nappy change area open? How many members of staff are there?

With some nurseries the nappy station was in the open and there had to be another person in the room. Some other nurseries had a nappy station in a different room and didn’t require a second person.

I think you could ask the manager how they safeguard children getting their nappy changed and is it with a solo practitioner.

Also ask about ratios. I’ve seen some nurseries be ridiculous and allow a single practitioner in a room with loads of children as they have CCTV so it’s like they are in the room, lets be honest they are not watching the cctv all day.

Some nurseries even include the office and cooking staff in ratios as they can help get children out of the building in case of a fire!

Then there are amazing nurseries that count the children and work out the ratio anytime someone leaves the room. They won’t go to the toilet or lunch unless they are in ratio and will radio management to get cover.

Speak to the Nursery Manager, it may be something simple like he had to tell her off and he may have come over a little too aggressive and it has scared her. Even if you remove her and send her to an all female nursery , there’s nothing to say that a male member of staff won’t be later employed there. Try not to panic and speak to the Nursery manager, chances are she is a mum and will understand your fears.

Unpopular opinion:
I just wouldn't place my child in a childcare setting with a male carer.

I'd get her checked by a GP and srsrt look9ng for a new setting.

The thing is your child could be there with no male staff and they months down the line they hire one. You would have to pay the term fees if you just pulled them out. Plus trying to find a nursery mid-term could be hard.

Safeguarding training for vulnerable adults some time ago.
Trainer worked with abusers. Said two out of three reoffend but he does his work for the one that doesn’t.
He asked who would use a male babysitter. I said I would not. Everyone else said they would.
Trainer said he would never use a male babysitter as the risk of them being an abuser was too great.
Nurseries have better safeguarding policies nowadays but without increasing staff and costs there is little they can do to remove all risk of harm.
This male nursery worker might be a great carer who would be devastated this subject is even being discussed. However, my gut feeling based on the child’s behaviour would be why? Why is the child so upset?
Obviously, accusations cannot be made without evidence but this makes me uneasy.
I was subject to csa so might be over protective.

There’s been too many males in nurseries abusing children and without saying every man is a paedophile the risk is too high . You are right OP to question your daughters changed behaviour

Me neither

It could be that she gravitates to women and not men. Most young children see women as being safe and nurturing.

Honestly, I would go with your gut instinct on something like this. Chances are, there is nothing to worry about, and I certainly wouldn't be making any allegations against anyone - I actually feel really sorry for men working in childcare right now, it must be very difficult for them.

But your child is getting distressed for some reason and you can't just ignore that. I agree with talking to the nursery manager and getting advice from your GP etc.

For those saying you would not use a nursery with male staff- how would you achieve this? No nursery will ever say ‘yes, we have a female staff only policy’ because they’d get into loads of trouble. You might not even be aware when a male member of staff has been taken on; & if you found out could only remove your child without notice or on very short notice. Huge cost & disruption.

I have every sympathy with the wish to have female only nursery staff (though of course that is not automatically risk free!) - the question is whether under current law there is any possibility of achieving it. I don’t think there is.

And yes I would be talking to the manager in this case about the details of nappy changes & toileting & what might have sparked this. Bad things happen sometimes and we are our children’s best protectors

Agreed. I am fortunate enough to be able to use a childminder who has a female only household but recognise not everyone has that option.
While preschool has panned out for us, primary schools are going to be a difficult decision/compromise for me due to locations, logistics and work demands.

i feel for OP as societal design means mothers are having to make the best choices they can within the crappy constraints they face.

Also agree with the trust your instincts comments

Just a different point of view - there have been female nursery workers accused of abuse too. One can only trust the safety checks that are in place.

I actually feel sorry for any males who want to go into teaching, esp. primary schools. Most of us have unconscious 'feelings' about it, though thankfully the vast majority are great and it's good for children to have good male role models.

Unfortunately the latest news has put everyone on high alert.

And you have been watching the news which has increased your sensitivity.

Every parent needs to take this kind of behaviour very, very seriously.

School is completely different. Children are able to verbalise their experiences and although not completely safe, it’s much safer than tiny children and babies that are unable to express any harm or ill treatment.

Statistically less than 2% of women are sex offenders, and of these many will have been groomed and are vulnerable to male manipulation. Vanishingly few operate as lone wolves with depraved sexual motives.

This is such a tricky topic. Our nursery now has 3 male workers (only 1 when we first joined) and if I had to choose/had the option, I would choose for them to be female only. But the reality is that isnt possible and as a PP pointed out you may not know straight away when a new male staff member is appointed.

But I do trust the men that work there, or at least as much as it is possible to trust someone in that position, and suspect recent news events will have been a heart sink for men genuinely trying to do a good job.

I certainly wouldn't be going to GP/police, not sure what this would achieve at all? But I would have a chat with key worker/nursery manager to make them aware of your little one's distress.

I would immediately tell the nursery manager your worries, so she can keep an eye on the male staff member and ensure everything is above board. I'd also organise to send your daughter to a different nursery or child minder as soon as possible.

Best case scenario in moving her: She just has separation anxiety, it's a total coincidence, she'll behave the same way at the new nursery, and your old nursery's manager won't see anything suspicious in the way the male staff member behaves. It'll be a huge hassle, but you'll be reassured.

Worst case if you don't move her: The male staff member is sexually abusing her and you're dropping her off for that every day, completely unaware of the damage he's doing to her.

It's a simple cost-benefit equation. Perhaps you're overreacting...but what if you're not? In this case, considering the potential consequences, it's better to overreact than under-react.

They do go through these phases but I get your discomfort. I would probably look round for a different nursery.

I think it’s a bit odd that men would want to do this sort of job tbh. I know that’s seriously stereotypical but it makes me feel a little disconcerted. I’ve never come across a male teacher or TA in a year below KS2 either.

I’d ask for the nursery policy on 1:1 contact. Is your DD able to talk yet? If so, I’d ask why she finds that man in particular upsetting. It’s also never too early to explain about private parts and consent.

Surprised at all the people that would definitely move their child. Most nurseries around me have big waiting lists, at least one male member of staff, and none as far as I'm aware have a 'no male staff' policy so it would be likely you'd go through a whole re settling period and then have the same issue.

I would put it down to attachment and the man being unfamiliar to be honest, but I'd also speak to the nursery to discuss my concerns.

I'm having similar worries at the moment due to the news - I actually asked my dd's nursery to confirm that my dd would not have any intimate care performed by any males and they said they couldn't confirm that as they'd be discriminating against the male employees!! There's no men working in her room at the moment but when she moves to a room with males in I'm going to re-raise it.

Its winter, short dark days, lots of colds, viruses etc around. She could be teething or just being a 2 yo and more aware that you are leaving and she misses you?
Yes the recent news will put people more on guard but the reasons theses stories make news and are shocking is because they are not the norm. If she's been upset all day it doesn't sound like its focused on the person opening the door though? I would mention to nursery she has been upset but honestly it doesn't sound unusual for a 2 who is develolmentally becoming more aware and able to express they don't like being away from you

I have sons rather than daughters, so perhaps I am looking at it from a different angle. When my boys went to nursery, I was delighted that there were two male practitioners there. For the first time the boys realised that men could be child carers too and it wasn’t just a woman’s job to look after kids. Try not to over react, there have been cases of doctors sexually assaulting patients but we all see male doctors. Talk to the nursery.