AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

[Francine84]

I might be being completely unreasonable here but I can’t get it out of my head. My 2 year old started nursery around 9 months ago and has always been very happy there. Always happy to go in and they told us that she’s happy all day, hardly ever cries.

In the last week she has become very clingy, waking up crying from naps and during the night calling for me. Really out of character for her but I put it down to separation anxiety.

She goes to nursery Wed-Fri and yesterday when I dropped her off the only male member of the nursery staff answered the door and my daughter burst into tears and was clinging to me. It was heartbreaking, I had to hand her over and she was hysterical. When I picked her up in the afternoon her key worker (female) said she was emotional all day, which again is so unlike her. She hasn’t cried at nursery drop off since she first started earlier this year. And even then once she had settled in she was happy all day.

This morning the same man answered the door again and the same thing happened - hysterical crying and holding on to me.

Given the recent news about a male nursery worker abusing the children in his care I can’t shake the thought that something is wrong. Why is my daughter suddenly so clingy and unhappy? I know that men work in nurseries but it seems like it’s only this particular member of staff that she has that reaction with.

AIBU to say something to nursery? What would I even say?

Or am I overreacting and this is normal for 2 year olds to have very clingy phases? I just want to protect her and it makes me feel so sad to think she’s not happy at nursery.

Advice would be much appreciated!

Anyone thinking that they can send their child to nursery and have it free of male workers is just incorrect.

They can hire a man at any time and they don't have to consult you or even tell you. He could be working with your child and you wouldn't even know. They can also take on agency staff whenever they like.

Instead of focusing on keeping your child away from 50% of the population, you can check the safeguarding policies at the nursery, ensure that care is never 1-2-1, and teach even young children basic safety rules around safe and unsafe touch and give them tools to communicate.

It's very likely that she's picking up on your anxiety and it's a vicious cycle. She's upset, so you're anxious, which makes her think she's right to be upset.

Absolutely!

I have worked with great make EY teachers and nursery staff. They bring a different energy and ideas to learning and can be fantastic role models.

We can't negate all males in childcare/EY just because of this male worker. There are women who are deviant too, as well as men in schools.

Yes it's probably no coincidence that there was a push to avoid male nursery workers, teachers etc thanks to high profile cases. and we now have a wave of right wing misogyny in young men.

My ds6 has NEVER seen a male other than dh in a caregiving or teaching capacity.

Maybe, in which case definitely don't hand her over to a man.

I know things are happening in the news right now but realistically, the chances are that your daughter is either suffering from separation anxiety and the door opening is causing the upset or she doesn't know this staff member too well and it's upsetting her. Does she have a key worker? Could you talk to them and see if they have any insight? My DD used to scream blue murder at drop off then 2 minutes later she would be absolutely fine.

While she is calm have you asked your daughter why she’s upset? She probably doesn’t have the language to fully explain her reasons yet but things like ‘scary man’ or ‘mummy don’t go’ will tell you a lot and you can then look at either reassuring her or investigating further.

It could be something as simple as he unintentionally surprised her or pulled a funny face she didn’t like!

3 threads against male nursery workers now?

It's normal and a lot of young children go through this phase at some point. My youngest son loved his nursery (all female staff) but randomly, one day just cried and clung to me so much that I actually just took him home. No reason ever found, he obviously just didn't fancy nursery for a few days.

You are questioning this because your child's nursery employs a male and have made a link in your mind which is very unlikely to exist. The far more likely reality is that your child is just feeling tired (end of term, winter, bugs etc..) or just not 'feeling' nursery right now. It is very unlikely that the nursery staff would be alone with the children - especially given the recent news. I suspect child care settings countrywide and being super vigilant now.

Of course we must all be vigilant but I do think that you can safely put the hysterical comments mentioning GP's and police aside.

I hope your things settle down soon for you both.

That's actually quite sad, I think it's important for children to have a strong role model of both male and females in their lives.
A couple of ds's primary school teachers was male when he was around the same age, and they were both amazing with him and the other kids.

Trust your gut ! My child was not sexually assaulted at nursery but was physically assaulted by 2 female workers when she was 2 , she is now almost 10 and I still blame myself for taking 2 months to notice . The reactions where the same as your child . I arrived earlier one day and she was being thrown around with a split lip . Until this day I still can’t grasp how I managed to leave that room with my baby and not kill her . I sat in my car in the car park for 30 m with someone on the phone trying to calm me down and I swear I don’t know what I would do if I ever saw them , even now after almost 8 years . Police couldn’t prove anything because misteriously the cctv in tj day vanished by the time police arrived but they did believe me and where very honest about it .

Frankly listen to your instincts. It may be nothing, but you can maybe find somewhere else to make 100% sure.

Another one urging you to trust what your child is telling you OP. What are your options in the short term? Anyone in the family who you would trust to help out or who'd be willing to?

I get that you're upset OP but other than your daughter freaking out when you hand her over for the day what makes you think that it's even this man's fault never mind that he's abusing her?? By the sounds of it the other well establised females in the nursery have spent a lot of the day with her and are struggling to settle her so does that not more tell you that she's more generally miserable here, possibly because she's becoming more aware of the fact that you're leaving her there or possibly because the general culture in the nursery isn't great. Have you actually had chance to hand her over to somebody other than this male at any point? Does she get just as upset or does she only get upset when she sees him?

I'd definitely be keeping a close eye on things and asking all sorts of questions about the nursery (not just about one man) However some of the suggestions are crazy. I'd absolutely love to have such a relaxed working life that I can afford to just drop everything and keep my child off nursery the minute she's a bit upset. Meanwhile most of us live in the real world where the reason we take our kids to nursery is because we need to work. Absolutely it is still oir ultimate responsibility to safeguard our own child and if something really isn't right we don't put the child in an unsafe situation but there's absolutely nothing to suggest this based on OP's posts. Lots of babies and toddlers get really bad separation anxiety. If all mums just ducked out of work to pacify this then pretty much no mum would be able to hold down a job. The suggestions to go to your GP/police are ridiculous too. Because what?! A child isn't liking nursery right now?

OP I'd talk to the nursery about your concerns in a none-confrontational way. I think you're fine to mention that it seems to be a pattern when this male has been around but going in all guns blazing isn't the right approach. Mention it, ask what their policies on being alone with the children are etc and clarify exactly how much time he's been spending with your dd (it doesn't sound like you've even checked this yet?) This might help you make decisions. Ultimately though if you don't trust the nursery you will have to move her but there's no guarantee that she won't do the same thing elsewhere or even become more unsettled and there's no guarantee that there won't be males looking after her.

There is a danger here that parents might assume they are ‘overreacting’ due to the news, this is more dangerous. It doesn’t matter if you are overreacting, it’s always better than under reacting.
Any child care provider or nursery assistant should be comfortable with scrutiny if they are doing their jobs well.

My son used to scream when he saw my then-next door neighbour. He was a big, booming guy with a large, twirly moustache. This was in the 90s when my son was 3. He just wasn't used to it, that was all.

I don't know why you're being told to call the police with absolutely zero evidence of a crime.

I wouldn't send mine somewhere with male staff at nursery age. School is definitely different as they are that much older and can explain etc

I think you mean only 2% of sex offenders are women, rather than 2% of women are sex offenders? Because that would be quite a lot!

I was reading Julie Bindel and Sonia Sodha on this earlier - it’s instinctively one of those things where I’d assumed that I think it’s a positive to have male role models and to break down stereotypes about male and female jobs…but actually from a safeguarding perspective it would make me nervous.

I’d talk to the nursery OP, but don’t panic. Lots of reasons for a previously settled child to have a clingy phase. Or she may be nervous of men, through no one’s fault. DD hated men as a small child - wouldn’t go to the doctor or dentist if it was a man, wouldn’t talk to male family friends…it was really quite awkward. Quite a fan of boys now, as a teenager!

I don´t have a problem with male workers per se, but I would with this particular one after such a strong reaction from my daughter a second time. I wouldn´t have handed her over to him, but to a different member of staff and would have requested an urgent meeting with the manager. It doesn´t feel right, it probably isn´t. I don´t mean anything sexual or anything, but obviously this person isn´t right for OP´s daughter. You know your daughter.

I think the bones of your post is you're trying to see if it's socially acceptable to ask nursery about the safeguarding with male staff members, or raise discomfort with them.

Just to offer a slightly different viewpoint - is fear of embarrassment worth ignoring your gut? The worst that can happen about raising your concerns with the nursery manager, or even the worker directly, is that they are offended. The worst that can happen if you don't raise concerns (and you're right) is far worse.

I would say something politely like "I'd like to chat to you about the new worker in X's room. As you know she's always been happy in the morning handovers, however has shown clear signs of discomfort and fear specifically with Y since they've started. I'd like to check your opinion on their interactions during the day? I'd also like you to share details of the safeguarding policies currently in place, as well as details on who is currently taking care of X's toiletting."

Hold your horses.

There's will be a group of Mumsneters coming along any minute with their reasons as to why you must be ok with this, and you are a bad bigoted person if you don't. Pisses me off when I see that.

Thanks for all the comments, I really appreciate all the different points of view.

The man at my daughter’s nursery seems very nice - he’s quiet, softly spoken and has a kind face. I’ve seen him around before at the nursery and never had any reason to worry. It’s only the last 2 days when he’s answered the door, having not done so before, and my daughter has been upset.

I think it probably is just a phase of separation anxiety, and that the door opening meant being away from me and that’s what upset her. But I’ve emailed the nursery to flag that she suddenly seems very unsettled which is not like her, and I think I’ll ask about the nappy changing situation. Possibly I’m being ridiculous but I would feel so much happier if she were changed by a woman.

I know that it’s a huge leap to assume that any man working in a nursery setting can’t be trusted, but with the recent news stories I just can’t assume that anyone is safe, and my daughter’s safety is my priority, especially as she’s too young to advocate for herself or tell me if something is happening.

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

Yes, because this popular website is predominately one with mothers on it, and the vast majority of sex offenders (just over 98%) are MALE. So, yes, you're going to see that.

That’s exactly it, I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or make baseless accusations. But it just seems such a sudden departure from her usual happy self at nursery that I can’t not say anything.

And like you say, I’d rather look silly and like I’m overreacting than do nothing and not keep my daughter safe if there is something going on.

Yes I'm not happy about it!

Listen to your gut, she's your child. If I was you I'd have a meeting with the nursery manager and express your worries and go from there. They would understand given the recent media.

Would your daughter be able to articulate anything to you?