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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

227 replies

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 21:29

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

OP posts:
GentleSheep · 03/12/2025 21:31

Oh no, OP that's too bad, people can be so cruel or at best, just thoughtless. Are there other colleagues at Site B that you know and would enjoy seeing?

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 03/12/2025 21:34

How do you know they have arranged it together? Why would they do this?
Have they openly spoken about it in front of you?
Could it be a mis communication?

MontythePrince · 03/12/2025 21:41

Could you suggest you join them on the train? Perhaps they are thoughtless rather than actively excluding you?

Do you get on ok day to day? If so, I would ask the most approachable of them about joining them.

I do have lots of sympathy for you, it’s dreadful to feel rejected. I voted YABU because I am hoping it is not a deliberate exclusion, and that you go and have a lovely time x

Lavender14 · 03/12/2025 21:41

Is this part of a wider behaviour op? Do they generally go out more together and you aren't able to join? Just trying to gauge the dynamic. To be honest, I've had workplaces where my colleagues have been tighter and they wouldn't intentionally leave me out, but wouldn't think to include me either. So I just included myself - "oh are you guys going on the train together, would it be OK if I came with you I don't really want to have to land in by myself. "

Unless there's a backstory of nastiness this could just be crossed wires and thoughtlessness. I also once worked with a colleague who I initially found quite intimidating because she always seemed really confident and competent and together and I remember her telling me once that she found it really hard to make friends because people always assumed she was sorted so never thought to ask her or reach out to her, whereas the reality was different and she was just great at putting on a brave face. I also think sometimes people talk about things expecting you to feel comfortable enough to include yourself and maybe genuinely don't realise that you're waiting for an actual direct invite?

bigyellowtractorface · 03/12/2025 21:42

It’s unlikely to be deliberate. They probably just sorted it all out when you weren’t around. It’s inconsiderate but unless there is something going on it’s not personal. Can you not just ask if they mind if you come along on the journey. Just say you prefer not to show up solo. It shouldn’t be a biggie.

HolyMoly24 · 03/12/2025 21:46

If you struggle to make friends generally, is it possible they thought maybe you wouldn’t want to join them? Maybe they felt they were sparing you of some awkwardness or something.

I think you should just ask if you can join them.

Horrorscope · 03/12/2025 21:47

bigyellowtractorface · 03/12/2025 21:42

It’s unlikely to be deliberate. They probably just sorted it all out when you weren’t around. It’s inconsiderate but unless there is something going on it’s not personal. Can you not just ask if they mind if you come along on the journey. Just say you prefer not to show up solo. It shouldn’t be a biggie.

How could it not be deliberate when there are five people in the team and four of them arrange to go together without asking the fifth person at some point!?

Freebus · 03/12/2025 21:53

I would suggest joining them. It could just be a thoughtless/ absentminded omission on their part. Do they know you're going?

FeistyFrankie · 03/12/2025 21:57

OP don't write off the evening until you've asked if you can join them on the train first. If you're shy, they may have assumed you like to do your own thing.

You'll be able to guage if they're deliberately excluding you for unkind reasons if they act weird after you've asked. And if they do act weird, then you have your answer and can make your excuses if attending doesn't feel right.

Personally though I think you should go, but only if you feel like you will enjoy it/if you know other people who you can sit with and chat to when you get there. Hope it all works out!

NotDonna · 03/12/2025 21:58

ah that’s really shitty of them. It’s so shitty it’s hard to believe it’s intentional. There’s not been a message or email you may have missed? How Dyou know they’re getting the train together? If one of them mentioned it were they thinking you’d say ‘great, I’ll join you’? Seems such a shame to miss an event you were looking forward to bc of these cruel ppl. Like others have said, do you know ppl from site B?

Original poster
TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:03

I do know people from the other site. We're a small team overall so we work closely together but in a weirdly virtual way as we're so rarely together.

We had a team briefing this morning where the whole team discussed the event and we've all made meal choices on the teams post. They definitely know I'm going. The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them. It's simple maths really, counting to five!

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/12/2025 22:04

Unless they're usually mean put on a cheery smile and ask them if you can join them on the train.

Notmymarmosets · 03/12/2025 22:08

Do you mind if I travel with you? What train are you going for? Great I'll be getting on at yada and I'll look out for you.

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 03/12/2025 22:10

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:03

I do know people from the other site. We're a small team overall so we work closely together but in a weirdly virtual way as we're so rarely together.

We had a team briefing this morning where the whole team discussed the event and we've all made meal choices on the teams post. They definitely know I'm going. The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them. It's simple maths really, counting to five!

I'm still leaning towards this being a misunderstanding. Maybe someone misspoke or misunderstood the number of tickets needed?

Or did colleague really just say "hey Twatty, R has booked train tickets for us four but not you" ???

Honestly I'd speak up and clear it up.

Original poster
TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:16

I'll try and be brave tomorrow maybe.

I really am struggling to understand how anyone can think booking four train tickets is the most appropriate response when five people are going to an event. I mean, how is that your first thought?! They are in a teams chat together about it and they have said they are booking four tickets.

OP posts:
Mum3354 · 03/12/2025 22:17

Would you feel comfortable travelling with them? Or would it be awkward? If comfortable ask the one you feel is kindest if you can travel with them. If awkward, just book a train ticket and go. Life's too short.

themerchentofvenus · 03/12/2025 22:19

As they've excluded you from the train booking then tell the company to book you a taxi!

Kleptronic · 03/12/2025 22:19

You have three options:
Don't go.
Say to them directly to all their faces, who's booked the train because you forgot mine.
Or go under your own steam and style it out.

Zov · 03/12/2025 22:20

MontythePrince · 03/12/2025 21:41

Could you suggest you join them on the train? Perhaps they are thoughtless rather than actively excluding you?

Do you get on ok day to day? If so, I would ask the most approachable of them about joining them.

I do have lots of sympathy for you, it’s dreadful to feel rejected. I voted YABU because I am hoping it is not a deliberate exclusion, and that you go and have a lovely time x

Yeah this. Maybe just thoughtlessness rather than nastiness @TwattyMcTwattington ??? Could you ask one of them if you could join them on the train? Be a bit bold. Smile

I am sorry you're feeling like this. It's very upsetting and hurtful to feel left out (or be left out,) and YANBU to be hurt and feel wounded, and annoyed, and feel like not going! Don't miss out though, why should you?!

Good luck. You deserve a good time, and you deserve to be happy. Flowers

Morechocmorechoc · 03/12/2025 22:22

I would ask the person who booked why she left you out. Be brave and good luck

Kleptronic · 03/12/2025 22:22

I personally would pick the style it out on the train in the same carriage as them but I delight in making these types of thoughtless people know what uncomfortable means Grin

Gingercar · 03/12/2025 22:23

That’s really horrible. I don’t understand how people can think it was an oversight. They sound really selfish/thoughtless. I’d have been tempted to say “am I supposed to go on my own then??” I’d probably feel too crap to go too.

AngelinaFibres · 03/12/2025 22:23

Is it because they can get a deal on buying 2 lots of 2 tickets but that wouldn't work if they bought 5 instead of 4. Still shitty if they did

FurForksSake · 03/12/2025 22:32

Are you a different age / stage to them? I work with people quite a bit younger an sometimes they gang together. It’s not mean, they just assume because of my differing life pressures I’ll have plans / drive / have my ducks in a row. They’d include me if asked and absolutely if they saw me and at the events but not necessarily in the transport arrangements.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/12/2025 22:32

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:16

I'll try and be brave tomorrow maybe.

I really am struggling to understand how anyone can think booking four train tickets is the most appropriate response when five people are going to an event. I mean, how is that your first thought?! They are in a teams chat together about it and they have said they are booking four tickets.

Speak up. Ask if there’s a reason you were left out of booking train tickets. Let their awkwardness hang in the air.

People only treat you this way if they know you won’t do anything. I know because I used to be a timid little mouse and got tired of it. I don’t let things like this go anymore.

You don’t have to be aggressive, just let it be known you expect basic respect like everyone else by calmly speaking up for yourself.

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