To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

[TwattyMcTwattington]

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

Really simple solution:

You "Oh I hear your going by train? Can I join you?"
Them "Yes of course"

Done.

That's really shit. I'm so sorry.

@Pumpkinsonastring I don't think they have created a group chat without OP - the colleague in the office said she had been messaged by R to say R was getting the tickets, not that there was a chat group about it.

The colleagues don’t necessarily know about her difficult year, and I’d not bet on common awareness of social etiquette any more.
(Far more likely are cries about outdated social norms, and how older people have no right to impose their dusty old behavioural expectations on others!)

Heedlessness/thoughtlessness is very common, but it isn’t necessarily a sign of antipathy towards the overlooked person.

Just ask. Say you don't want to travel alone and us it ok to join them. I would not expect a refusal to a sensible request from a safety point of view.

Mean school girl behaviour, stuff them! x

Ummm.... I think this is disingenuous, as presumably they are more likely to travel there together - in day time - but back separately at night (as eg OP has a babysitter and the others may not). Indeed, this might be why they booked separately, if they had to specify a return train as well.

Politely ask "is there a reason why you booked four tickets and not five?" Then awkwardly wait silently for her answer. Straight from the horses mouth. It will remove any ambiguity over the reason, or "what ifs"

The fact that OP hasn’t mentioned getting the train or even asked any of the others how they are getting there will be the reason.

I think that pre-existing relationships are more important than the ticket-buying moment.

If I was friendly enough to jokingly pull my colleagues up on it - hey, what about me, that kind of thing - I would do that, and expect them to say OMG so sorry we didn't mean to forget you. All of that is OK! People forget things and it's fine.

If I didn't feel I had that sort of easy relationship with them I would probably take the hint, I guess? I don't think I would feel hurt because, well, obviously I wasn't friends with them in the first place. Whether I went to the party would depend on whether there was anyone from the other site I wanted to see - in which case I would make my own way there, focus on the people I liked and not pay much heed to the colleagues who excluded me. If there wasn't anyone at the other site I wanted to see, I would happily sack the whole thing off.

I'm wondering if this is an age and/or seniority thing to some extent. I'm over 40 and in a senior role. It would not even occur to me to ask colleagues about trains they're getting to the Christmas do. I'd just sort myself out and get there. It wouldn't bother me if the rest of them went individually or together; in fact it wouldn't cross my radar at all. I'd just see them at the event and it wouldn't be an issue.

But looking back 20 years when I was in a much more junior role (and obviously 20 years younger!) we were all a lot more needy/codependent and would probably have done the sort of travel arrangements the OP describes, where they all book together. I guess we were less used to travelling on work-related things then so there would be more of a novelty value. And we weren't busy with kids and life in the same way so wouldn't be juggling travel around commitments.

I'm quite surprised by the number of people on this thread who think the colleagues are being unfair/mean/bullies etc and it's made me reflect that maybe I should be more aware of the less confident and less experienced people in my team when arranging travel and so on. Clearly I'm in the minority in thinking it's not something to worry about.

Advice like this is just going to make it even harder for OP to make friends.

We have no proof that this has been arranged maliciously, so for OP to go on all guns blazing could rebound on her spectacularly.

As I said earlier. The confident and rational way to move on is simply to say 'what train are you getting to the Christmas do? I need to get organised and book a ticket'.
No drama, no fuss, and half a chance that OP will have a good time. Falling out with all her colleagues is basically going to ruin her work life for good.

I agree with you @saraclara and @FeelinTwentySixPointTwo — it wouldn’t occur to me that it was any kind of slight.

She said there was a group chat just the four of them where they'd discussed it. A group chat she wasn't part of. Then the bit you said above happened.

There are 4 in my immediate team actually. 2 of them have asked me for a lift. I assume the third is making her own way there. There is no secret they’ve asked me for a lift. The 3rd is welcome to ask me too and if she does I’d obviously say yes but I’m not running around checking everyone’s travel arrangements. We’re all adults.

Yes, that seems fair. It’s not your job to arrange everyone’s travel.

I really don’t get how being kind and saying “Mary and Fred are coming with me, do you want to come?” is such hard work or makes you a travel agent. Some people would feel rude asking. But I worked as cabin crew for decades and everyone was usually a team player and looked out for each other, even if we didn’t always know each other well. If someone was arranging a trip, usually they would let everyone know and whoever wanted to join in would. I’ve never really been around people that just look after no 1, so would feel hurt in op’s shoes. ((sorry, that last bit was a generalisation and not aimed at who I quoted).

Sure, but if someone for whatever reason doesn’t do that, or doesn’t do it for everyone, it’s really not worth getting butt hurt about!

Jesus, what happened to just being nice?

How much effort would it take to check with the only other person who might like a lift?

This is very different to if you had separately set up a group to arrange travel with 2 of them and completely left the 3rd out. Although if 2 people in my team had asked for a lift and I knew there was only 1 person left who hadnt I would probably just ask if they wanted to come with. Some people dont like asking as they think its putting you out, others would happily expect a lift even if its out of your way.

Group save tickets mean that you have to go each way together - so leave at same time. Count it as a blessing that you can choose your own time

I have friends that do group saver. I’m more a paddle your own boat kind of girl

I think this is a rude oversight but nothing more. Just friends planning to get the train together and not thinking to ask you about how you’re getting there. I wouldn’t even think to ask how a colleague is getting to a work do but might meet up with a friend to travel together.

I really hope you go and have fun evening. I don’t think it will mean they will ignore you at the actual event or anything, they’ve just been thoughtless in their preparations.

I do honestly think that automatic consideration of this kind, a branch of basic decent manners, has dropped away markedly in the course of this century.
It’s as though that clichéd image of a person walking along a busy street eyes glued to a phone, oblivious, were applicable to behaviour in general (no phone needed.)

Of course one other option is OP can let us know which train she's getting and someone on this thread will meet her on the platform with prosecco.

We're there in spirit in any case....

Don't go. Say you or your child was sick
See if you can get to he next day off as well.

And leave it at the that. Don't ask them about the event just ignore them.