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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

227 replies

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 21:29

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

OP posts:
sbplanet · 04/12/2025 08:19

Do go to the Christmas do, however you get there.

Lets just assume that they think you prefer to do things your own way and don't want to be part of their 'little band'. You say you don't make friends easily and hide any emotional upset caused by being excluded - so maybe they think you don't mind.

But you have to 'step out' a little and contact the person booking the train tickets (perhaps when in a group chat) and say you'd hope they could book you a ticket as well. Then it puts it down to them to deliberately exclude you and you know where you stand with that person anyway.

You must at least make an attempt to engage with them about it. Perhaps you might find that they have trouble making friends with you? It is easier to deal with the reality of a situation, rather than the numerous 'what ifs' when you don't know.

But don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Go to the party!

Halloweeeeeeeeen · 04/12/2025 08:19

You hadn’t asked any of the four how they were getting there either, I think you are reading too much into it. Just tell them you are getting the train as well can they book you on!

The others probably have chit chat between them and be discussing looking forward to the event, what they are wearing and how the are getting there etc, if you don’t join in this type of chat generally then you inadvertently get left out.

Redburnett · 04/12/2025 08:23

Learning to hold your head up high helps in situations like this. Practise talking to yourself in front of a mirror to help your self esteem, it sounds weird but it can help. 'I am a likeable person, just not an extrovert. I am a loyal friend. My colleagues are OK people to work with even if the other four are a bit of a clique.....etc'

Imdunfer · 04/12/2025 08:29

You are not being unreasonable but I voted that you are because I want you to go to that party and have an absolute ball. Dance your socks off!

Minty25 · 04/12/2025 08:33

I agree it's a nasty thing to do unless accidental. I remember similar happening to me years go although slightly different in that someone had offered me a lift to Christmas meal then suddenly decided there wasn't room for me. I remember feeling so upset that I didn't even even go in the end. It was the way it was done I felt so hurt. they did apologize in the end after realizing how upset it had made me feel ( I was probably depressed/ feeling very oversensitive etc.).

VividLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 08:34

To add (i previously posted before, we also work across 2 sites)

  • I only book a group taxi if people ask me - i’m not a travel agent
  • i only share travel (train) info if people ask me, or if they are making the trip for the first time. If someone wants company, they ask. Otherwise i assume they prefer to travel alone
  • i’m not your baby sitter. Ask, find your own way, all fine with me. But it is not my responsibility.
  • Everyone is invited to the party. But as an adult, i assume you can let me know your travel arrangements if you care. If you don’t ask, i interpret this as you don’t want to share. which is your good right.
  • If you would speak up about being excluded when you were not - you just wanted a special invitation rather than speaking up - i would absolutely refuse to organise anything in the future. You will be responsible for all transport. After all, this is not my job. Be careful to accuse others when there is no reason.
MyDeftDuck · 04/12/2025 08:39

Put on your big girl pants, get on that train and have a fabulous time. You’ll see lots of people who you already know at each site and can chat to. Don’t let the ‘not fab 4’ drag you down OP, rise above and show that you don’t need their inclusion and permission to have a good time.

TroysMammy · 04/12/2025 08:42

VividLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 08:34

To add (i previously posted before, we also work across 2 sites)

  • I only book a group taxi if people ask me - i’m not a travel agent
  • i only share travel (train) info if people ask me, or if they are making the trip for the first time. If someone wants company, they ask. Otherwise i assume they prefer to travel alone
  • i’m not your baby sitter. Ask, find your own way, all fine with me. But it is not my responsibility.
  • Everyone is invited to the party. But as an adult, i assume you can let me know your travel arrangements if you care. If you don’t ask, i interpret this as you don’t want to share. which is your good right.
  • If you would speak up about being excluded when you were not - you just wanted a special invitation rather than speaking up - i would absolutely refuse to organise anything in the future. You will be responsible for all transport. After all, this is not my job. Be careful to accuse others when there is no reason.

Seems your colleague is on MN OP.

nomas · 04/12/2025 09:04

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:03

I do know people from the other site. We're a small team overall so we work closely together but in a weirdly virtual way as we're so rarely together.

We had a team briefing this morning where the whole team discussed the event and we've all made meal choices on the teams post. They definitely know I'm going. The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them. It's simple maths really, counting to five!

Can you contact one or two people from the other site and ask them if they can save you a space on their table so you can sit with them?

Sometimes you need to make yourself a bit vulnerable to get some solidarity.

I would not be able to go to that meal and sit with 4 people who have excluded me like this.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 04/12/2025 09:06

Lavender14 · 03/12/2025 21:41

Is this part of a wider behaviour op? Do they generally go out more together and you aren't able to join? Just trying to gauge the dynamic. To be honest, I've had workplaces where my colleagues have been tighter and they wouldn't intentionally leave me out, but wouldn't think to include me either. So I just included myself - "oh are you guys going on the train together, would it be OK if I came with you I don't really want to have to land in by myself. "

Unless there's a backstory of nastiness this could just be crossed wires and thoughtlessness. I also once worked with a colleague who I initially found quite intimidating because she always seemed really confident and competent and together and I remember her telling me once that she found it really hard to make friends because people always assumed she was sorted so never thought to ask her or reach out to her, whereas the reality was different and she was just great at putting on a brave face. I also think sometimes people talk about things expecting you to feel comfortable enough to include yourself and maybe genuinely don't realise that you're waiting for an actual direct invite?

Good idea. Sometimes people just don’t think. Do go with them, and I hope you have a great time.

Gloriia · 04/12/2025 09:07

VividLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 08:34

To add (i previously posted before, we also work across 2 sites)

  • I only book a group taxi if people ask me - i’m not a travel agent
  • i only share travel (train) info if people ask me, or if they are making the trip for the first time. If someone wants company, they ask. Otherwise i assume they prefer to travel alone
  • i’m not your baby sitter. Ask, find your own way, all fine with me. But it is not my responsibility.
  • Everyone is invited to the party. But as an adult, i assume you can let me know your travel arrangements if you care. If you don’t ask, i interpret this as you don’t want to share. which is your good right.
  • If you would speak up about being excluded when you were not - you just wanted a special invitation rather than speaking up - i would absolutely refuse to organise anything in the future. You will be responsible for all transport. After all, this is not my job. Be careful to accuse others when there is no reason.

Oh honestly, how sanctimonious and ott.

It's a Christmas party, someone has booked train tickets it is not rocket science to ask the 5 people who are going rather than excluding one.

nomas · 04/12/2025 09:08

VividLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 08:34

To add (i previously posted before, we also work across 2 sites)

  • I only book a group taxi if people ask me - i’m not a travel agent
  • i only share travel (train) info if people ask me, or if they are making the trip for the first time. If someone wants company, they ask. Otherwise i assume they prefer to travel alone
  • i’m not your baby sitter. Ask, find your own way, all fine with me. But it is not my responsibility.
  • Everyone is invited to the party. But as an adult, i assume you can let me know your travel arrangements if you care. If you don’t ask, i interpret this as you don’t want to share. which is your good right.
  • If you would speak up about being excluded when you were not - you just wanted a special invitation rather than speaking up - i would absolutely refuse to organise anything in the future. You will be responsible for all transport. After all, this is not my job. Be careful to accuse others when there is no reason.

Do you work with, OP?

Was an invite sent to everyone and did OP accept?

Nefrititi · 04/12/2025 09:11

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 21:29

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

People can be so cruel OP, I feel your pain. In my opinion there’s no excuse for what they’ve done.
In my old job it could be a bit like that as well, a small team and although not normally cliquey they could be around offering lifts as the Xmas do etc.
I was always offered a lift but I was acutely aware of there was anyone left out.
One of our team who had undiagnosed MH issues (I think probably ptsd from previous abusive relationships) who always seemed on the periphery, I would always drive her home after any of our get togethers as no one else would offer to give her a lift so as soon as I knew we were going somewhere I’d jump in and say ‘ I’m picking you up and dropping you home Sally’ so she always knew she was well thought of and never left out.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 09:11

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 23:05

They know I don't drive.

I suspect the adult thing is to speak to them and either ask to be included or call them out. I'm just not sure I've got it in me. I know it's them that should be embarrassed, not me, but I am so embarrassed about being upset. I don't think I could get on the train knowing that I'd only been included because I'd asked, I'd feel so unwanted and awkward.

Edited

It absolutely is the adult thing op - and if it helps, I think this straightforward approach actually deflects the awkwardness back on them. They should have been clearer about including you (I am almost certain they don't mind doing so or they wouldn't be being open about the arrangement). And if they do mind, better to flush it out before the day, so you can adjust your plans accordingly.

I am sorry though: it would feel horrible to be left out, especially as you were looking forward to it. Be brave and see where things head ... It's worth trying to salvage the situation in case it's nothing.

nomas · 04/12/2025 09:12

Gloriia · 04/12/2025 09:07

Oh honestly, how sanctimonious and ott.

It's a Christmas party, someone has booked train tickets it is not rocket science to ask the 5 people who are going rather than excluding one.

Show quote history

The set up is really confusing.

At my workplace, everyone either books their own train ticket, or if you have a PA, you ask them to book the ticket for you.

I don’t understand why a ticket should have been automatically booked for OP?

However, if there are only 5 people in the team and 4 of them got together and agreed to travel together but did not invite OP, then that is exclusionary behaviour.

Imdunfer · 04/12/2025 09:12

VividLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 08:34

To add (i previously posted before, we also work across 2 sites)

  • I only book a group taxi if people ask me - i’m not a travel agent
  • i only share travel (train) info if people ask me, or if they are making the trip for the first time. If someone wants company, they ask. Otherwise i assume they prefer to travel alone
  • i’m not your baby sitter. Ask, find your own way, all fine with me. But it is not my responsibility.
  • Everyone is invited to the party. But as an adult, i assume you can let me know your travel arrangements if you care. If you don’t ask, i interpret this as you don’t want to share. which is your good right.
  • If you would speak up about being excluded when you were not - you just wanted a special invitation rather than speaking up - i would absolutely refuse to organise anything in the future. You will be responsible for all transport. After all, this is not my job. Be careful to accuse others when there is no reason.

But who would actually make the booking for 4 places on a train knowing 5 people are going to a party without asking the 5th person?

It's just nasty, sorry notsorry

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 09:12

VividLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 08:34

To add (i previously posted before, we also work across 2 sites)

  • I only book a group taxi if people ask me - i’m not a travel agent
  • i only share travel (train) info if people ask me, or if they are making the trip for the first time. If someone wants company, they ask. Otherwise i assume they prefer to travel alone
  • i’m not your baby sitter. Ask, find your own way, all fine with me. But it is not my responsibility.
  • Everyone is invited to the party. But as an adult, i assume you can let me know your travel arrangements if you care. If you don’t ask, i interpret this as you don’t want to share. which is your good right.
  • If you would speak up about being excluded when you were not - you just wanted a special invitation rather than speaking up - i would absolutely refuse to organise anything in the future. You will be responsible for all transport. After all, this is not my job. Be careful to accuse others when there is no reason.

Golly. I had no idea the world was such a scary place.

Driftingawaynow · 04/12/2025 09:13

Ostracism is social pain, it’s a real thing so please don’t feel daft for being upset. It’s completely natural. On the other hand, you say you have always found it difficult making connections with people, this may also make others feel uncomfortable approaching you. Awkwardness does spread,
Or they might just be really mean people, only you can know.
I would have invited you personally, but many people are just oblivious
bug more importantly, if you’re having interpersonal issues, i.e. trouble making friends, this is probably going to show up in your life as a mirror of what you’re putting out, you may find with a bit of work on yourself you can transform this dynamic.

Gloriia · 04/12/2025 09:14

nomas · 04/12/2025 09:08

Do you work with, OP?

Was an invite sent to everyone and did OP accept?

Edited
Show quote history

If they dont work with the op they clearly think excluding a member of staff is ok going by the long enabling speech they posted.

Newsflash if you are organising transport to a works night out it is polite and nice to ask all 5 going not just 4 leaving one person feeling shit.

nomas · 04/12/2025 09:15

Gloriia · 04/12/2025 09:14

If they dont work with the op they clearly think excluding a member of staff is ok going by the long enabling speech they posted.

Newsflash if you are organising transport to a works night out it is polite and nice to ask all 5 going not just 4 leaving one person feeling shit.

Show quote history

Not sure who you are newsflashing?

CunningLinguist2 · 04/12/2025 09:16

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 23:16

Thank you all for the kind words.

I'll sleep on it and see if I can face saying something. I think I gave the impression that the do is tomorrow, but I meant I'd try and be brave saying something tomorrow. it's actually not until Friday next week so I have plenty of time to overthink things!

Well, shit won’t change unless you say something. And it sucks! Vulnerability sucks!
But I’d still advise you ask which train and “mind if I book the same one & go with you?”
you’re a small team, dynamics can be a bit cemented and based on assumptions (and we know what assumes gets us!). Change their perspective of you and ask :)
If they say “no, we prefer to just be us” (NOT LIKELY! AND SUPER RUDE), that’s the worst case scenario. Chances are it’s stupid dynamics, and it’s time to chnage them up a bit :)
Good luck & enjoy the party!

Goditsmemargaret · 04/12/2025 09:17

Hi OP,

I understand this is very upsetting. I certainly would feel as you do.

In your shoes I would send a message today "Hi Team, can I check something? Have you all booked train tickets already to travel to the event together?"

I'd wait for a response and then say "I may as well be honest here, I'm pretty upset that I've been left out. There are only five of us on the team and four of you booked together."

I likely wouldn't go unless I got a genuine response and explanation eg. We were all together one day and planned it - we assumed you were coming a different way. We are very sorry and please do join us.

LadyLapsang · 04/12/2025 09:21

Of course, go to the event. It appears you have worked with these colleagues for quite some time, so unless one is a PA or junior responsible for booking group travel, what normally happens? Do you ever do the office ‘wife work’ or do you leave it to someone else? Is the event on one of your home working or NWDs so they may assume you were travelling at a different time / another route? Just check what train they are on and book a seat near them if it suits.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 04/12/2025 09:21

Goditsmemargaret · 04/12/2025 09:17

Hi OP,

I understand this is very upsetting. I certainly would feel as you do.

In your shoes I would send a message today "Hi Team, can I check something? Have you all booked train tickets already to travel to the event together?"

I'd wait for a response and then say "I may as well be honest here, I'm pretty upset that I've been left out. There are only five of us on the team and four of you booked together."

I likely wouldn't go unless I got a genuine response and explanation eg. We were all together one day and planned it - we assumed you were coming a different way. We are very sorry and please do join us.

Id go with this.

Original poster
TwattyMcTwattington · 04/12/2025 09:25

Wow. Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts!

To try and answer a few questions:

  • My manager is based at the other site so will be blissfully ignorant of everything.
  • It isn't anyone's job to organise travel, but R has chosen to organise it on behalf of the group of four. And not include me.
  • Had this not come up I probably would have wondered aloud what time people were thinking of going and suggested meeting at the station. I confess I would not have set up a group chat and booked the tickets.
  • There's thirteen of us it in total, and we all work closely together across both sites.
  • I'm early forties, two are mid thirties and the other two are late twenties. They don't particularly socialise together outside of work as far as I know.

I'll probably ask my manager to meet in office B ahead of the meal and do something work related. I'll let you know how it goes though!

OP posts: