To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

[TwattyMcTwattington]

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

Did you initiate any conversation to ask about travel arrangements & going as a team? I think you need to take a little responsibility too, if you're not all close- they're unlikely to consider your travel & may have assumed (if you hadnt asked) - you had other travel plans. My thought is they maybe closer together. Maybe try put yourself out there a little, just ask - be human, put your own barriers down - its uncomfortable but will be worth it to gain better relationships.

People can be so thoughtless. Sorry OP. Is there a possibility they didn't think you'd be travelling by train?

I think I would say next time it is appropriate "oh yes I booked a ticket on that train too. Maybe I'll see the four of you" Any normal person would immediately say "oh we didn't realise you'd want to go by train when we booked - we'll definitely see you on the train - will try to sit together"

At best it’s thoughtless, but more likely they are being assholes. There isn’t really a way to dress it up. Honestly what’s wrong with some people.

I don’t think they’re being thoughtless. I think they’re being horrible

Maybe it was the case that one has a railcard, and can include three others on it, and the three others were there when it was being discussec? So they didn’t actively exclude you, more you just missed this conversation (clutching at straws).

They know I don't drive.

I suspect the adult thing is to speak to them and either ask to be included or call them out. I'm just not sure I've got it in me. I know it's them that should be embarrassed, not me, but I am so embarrassed about being upset. I don't think I could get on the train knowing that I'd only been included because I'd asked, I'd feel so unwanted and awkward.

Ah I am sorry OP.

If they are generally OK and we're talking about this openly I think they have - somehow - assumed you wouldn't want to travel with them.

It's odd in the extreme otherwise.

So I'd just say cheerily tomorrow where abouts are you on the train and I'll try and sit near you all - and then just try and forgot about it. Everyone occasionally gets these odd situations. Don't flounce and not go - it will only make you feel worse.

if they are just being mean rather than thoughtless then only thing to do in these situations is style it out.

Be brave and have a good night - try and give it some main character energy: your experience of the night is about your experience, not about whether you are top of anyone else's guest list, focus on having a good time.

I wouldn’t go. Buy yourself a pizza instead. And start looking for a new job. x

Don't avoid the party if you have been looking forward to it and get on with people from the other site.

I think you will have to style it out. Act as though you belong in that group on the train, as though you haven't noticed they are on a separate booking to you. You are all just colleagues travelling to the same event. If someone mentions it (as an apology for leaving you out for example) have a ready breezy "oh yes, I guess it would have made sense to book all the tickets together, we should remember that for next year".

You are definitely more conscious of the slight than they are and overthinking it. I would be too but really encourage you to put your game face on for this one.

Do the others based at your office have much to do with the other office?

If you work across the sites, and they work at one, they may assume you are meeting people from the other team. The may even be wanting to go in together as to make them more confident (safety in numbers), and not included you because the perceive you don't need this safety blanket due to already knowing the other team.

Its a bit shitty, but probably not intentional- if it is, you have bigger issues. Just ask what time train they are getting and if they mind you tagging on.

Edited for bloody autocorrect miscorrecting.

Thank you all for the kind words.

I'll sleep on it and see if I can face saying something. I think I gave the impression that the do is tomorrow, but I meant I'd try and be brave saying something tomorrow. it's actually not until Friday next week so I have plenty of time to overthink things!

This ⬆️

However, if it was done deliberately to exclude you, it is a form of work-place bullying.

Tbh, as I hate forced Christmas jollity and spending my private time with work colleagues rather than relaxing with friends, I’d feel I had got a ‘get out of jail free card’, and a sense of relief I don’t need an excuse to not join them. Enjoy your pizza!

I’m also wondering if the others in your team are considerably younger / older than you, or live near one another and are carpooling to the train station or similar. When I was in my 20s it wouldn’t have occurred to me to invite a 40-something colleague to travel with me and my mates to the Xmas do, for example. And in my late 40s I’d feel like a bit of a weirdo inviting someone younger to travel with my middle aged pals.

As the company pays for travel costs and the person who booked train only booked 4 tickets could you sent a breezy message to R saying,

"Hi X mentioned you were booking the train tickets for our team for the Christmas Meal. Can you add me to the booking as I'll take the train too. Looking forward to a great night. Thanks"

That way you're not confronting her but simply asking to be included in the train booking.

Maybe she was letting you know that R was organising the tickets? And so if you wanted a ticket, you needed to message R, who was booking them for the group.

Honestly I'd ask whichever one booked the tickets how much you owe them for your train ticket. Let them be the one feeling embarrassed trying to explain why when five people in the office are attending they intentionally only booked four tickets.

Then take it from there.

Are you all the same level at work or are you more senior/junior? Any chance they are planning on getting skinny cans for the journey and don't know if you will approve? You've also said you were looking forward to going - please don't NOT go due to this awkwardness! If your work is multi-site, could you arrange to go earlier in the day and use this as an opportunity to spend some work time with the other colleagues first? A catch-up meeting etc. I had something similar at my last (contract) job when we had an away-day and other people arranged to travel together. I just brazened it out and asked what train people were getting. It was absolutely fine. Please be brave and keep us updated!

Also - in a worst case scenario - which no-one has really mentioned on this thread - if they are nasty and toxic and deliberately cliquey - that absolutely shouldn't stop you going. If anything - that would encourage me to go and build positive links with the other teams. There's also something about people working from home more that can make things a bit more awkward/ and cliquey. You don't naturally get to know each other so easily. Please don't take it too personally.

I’d be in the ‘give it a miss camp’. I wouldn’t want to spend my precious private time with people I didn’t like. I wouldn’t let myself think they’d ‘won’ by their exclusionary behaviour, I’d be thinking I don’t want to spend any more time than necessary around you. But hey that’s just me. I can see for another person that this is hurtful.

This is great advice.

"Oh ,can I join in the travel plans ...that would be great if I could ,really looking forward to going ,it's going to be a great night ..got myself a babysitter and a new dress ,what are you all wearing,where are we meeting,can't wait "

There you go ,job done ...that's all you need to say ..

"in a weirdly virtual way" I think that is your answer. There are odd dynamics here - it's probably not personal. If all 5 of you were in the room together this stuff would be much easier to navigate.

Where is your manager in this please don't say they are one of the merry band of four who've excluded you

I cannot see how they have left you out unintentionally. They've have kept in their little huddle and taken no steps to include you which is a form of bullying. There are only 5 of you, hardly a massive crowd where a spreadsheet tracker is needed!

if they're of the young free and single age group and you're - as they perceive it - of the more mature age bracket, then they probably feel you have nothing in common with them. No excuse but it's all about in-groups and out-groups I'm afraid.

I agree..It's obviously glaringly deliberate.