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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

227 replies

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 21:29

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

OP posts:
HollyhockDays · 04/12/2025 06:56

Sounds very mean. Will there be people at the other site you can sit with for the meal itself?

I hate Christmas lunches so wouldn’t go but if you were looking forward to it then it’s a bummer.

Silvertulips · 04/12/2025 06:57

People are different - some will include everyone and expect them to make it known they wanted to do X others would want an invite.

I think you are over thinking this - speak to one you’ve known longest and just say ‘what’s the plan for Friday?

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/12/2025 06:59

Pl don’t let this spoil an evening that you’ve been looking forward to. You don’t deserve this. Message the person who is booking the train and their response will help you understand how you feel and what to do. I hope it works out well and you have a great time.

Lastfroginthebox · 04/12/2025 07:00

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 23:16

Thank you all for the kind words.

I'll sleep on it and see if I can face saying something. I think I gave the impression that the do is tomorrow, but I meant I'd try and be brave saying something tomorrow. it's actually not until Friday next week so I have plenty of time to overthink things!

@TwattyMcTwattington This sort of thing happens to me! I'm a bit of a loner - I like being on my own, independent, not great in big groups of people. I belong to a social group who regularly meet up for events. I get on very well with most of them and enjoy seeing them. However, sometimes I hear that a few of them have separately arranged to travel together or go out somewhere and if it's something I'd have liked, I feel hurt. I've read the comments here and think there's been some useful advice so I'll be interested to know how you get on. I hope there's a happy ending. Good luck!

Twiglets1 · 04/12/2025 07:01

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:16

I'll try and be brave tomorrow maybe.

I really am struggling to understand how anyone can think booking four train tickets is the most appropriate response when five people are going to an event. I mean, how is that your first thought?! They are in a teams chat together about it and they have said they are booking four tickets.

I think they’ve been either really insensitive or really mean.

I would never leave one person out in that scenario. There’s no excuse for them not involving you.

I would probably bring it up with the one I found nicest and ask why you weren’t included. Or just not go if you can’t face doing that.

Ohpleeeease · 04/12/2025 07:05

Try not to make too much of it OP. Just say “Would you guys mind if I joined you to travel up to the do? I’m a bit worried about travelling there on my own” It would take a hard heart to refuse, I’m sure they won’t.

PollyBell · 04/12/2025 07:06

DBD1975 · 04/12/2025 06:55

OP I am so sorry this is beyond mean, whatever way you look at it their behaviour is unkind and thoughtless.
If it was me I would tell them how I was feeling and yes I would probably get upset and yes I would probably cry, not angry, not confrontational just explain how you feel because you are fully entitled to feel how you do.
At best they are thoughtless at worst this is bullying, excluding you from travelling arrangements is horrible behaviour.
Is their anyone else at work you could speak to about it, your manager for example, just to get some support.
Please let us know how you get on OP, you matter and your feelings are valid x

And i would reply 'you had an opportunity to book with us of you wanted too we are not physic'

CatchTheWind1920 · 04/12/2025 07:08

I'm late to this thread but I really hope you bring it up today, it sounds like a misunderstanding (so long as there has been no history of this behaviour). Unless your colleague has form, it sounds like colleague was telling you they were booking the tickets. Maybe someone else in the group is driving or making their own way there and a ticket on the train is for you.

Please clarify op, it really does sound like a misunderstanding and it would be a shame to miss out on something for no reason. If you clarify, and they really have left you out, you're still in the same position as now, but least you know for sure (which is what I'd prefer)

Franklyannoyed · 04/12/2025 07:11

Honestly op, you don’t need to stress this, just say to one of them ooh are you getting the train, what time, I will join you. That’s it, then book your ticket.

randomgeneratedusername1 · 04/12/2025 07:12

Maybe as you’ve not mentioned plans they think you’re making your own way getting a lift or something.
I am very much like you and find it hard to put myself forward and assume that if I’m wanted I’m asked as I do like to make sure others are ok not left out and feel welcome.
my OH does not have this built in at all , he isn’t mean or nasty and he is a supervisor at work and has to arrange stuff all the time but his mindset is quite mechanical and I do check over things with him as I know he would hate to make someone feel bad , but we all think from our own mindset and I have to remind him some people need a little more encouragement than others. Some of us have more empathy 😊. I hope you do go and have a wonderful time OP.

Mary46 · 04/12/2025 07:12

Hurtful yes but rise above it op and ask them directly the plans. I remember a xmas lunch a few years ago in a hospital all cliques and "this seat taken" I was cringing. Not nice behaviour

Horses7 · 04/12/2025 07:18

YANBU.
Why are some people like this - thoughtless at best and cruel at worst.
Invent an excuse if it makes you feel better - sisters birthday etc. I wouldn’t go either.

VikingNorthUtsire · 04/12/2025 07:37

MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 03/12/2025 23:42

As the company pays for travel costs and the person who booked train only booked 4 tickets could you sent a breezy message to R saying,

"Hi X mentioned you were booking the train tickets for our team for the Christmas Meal. Can you add me to the booking as I'll take the train too. Looking forward to a great night. Thanks"

That way you're not confronting her but simply asking to be included in the train booking.

This is good wording.

Unfortunately my workplace has this dynamic too and it's so tempting to remove yourself. Unfortunately, though, it only makes things worse and isolates you more. Better to be brave, ask to be included, get that train, and hopefully come out the other side with a lovely night out and a firmer relationship with your colleagues.

Bryonyberries · 04/12/2025 07:42

Do you usually drive so they thought you might do that?

saraclara · 04/12/2025 07:53

Don't call them out on it @TwattyMcTwattington . It won't help on any way. Also don't ask if it's okay if you can join them.
Simply say "which train are you getting to the Christmas do? I need to get myself organised and book a ticket"
That sounds far more confident and natural than some of the suggestions on this thread.

tipsyraven · 04/12/2025 07:58

I’d take myself right out of their arrangements and get a different train to them. Is there someone on the other site you could meet up with for an early drink/coffee before the event and arrive at the party with them? You could always get a different train home as well.

Homegrownberries · 04/12/2025 07:59

"R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them."

All you had to say was 'do you mind if I join you?'. They weren't thoughtful but you're reading too much into this.

user1492757084 · 04/12/2025 08:05

I don't think adults ever really mean to be mean.
Therefore, I think you are misreading their purchasing of tickets.
Just man up and ask the one who purchased the tickets which train they are on because you, too, have decided to travel by train to the Christmas do.
Try to see the best in people or the World will appear bleak.

I'm thinking they stumbled on the conversation when one or two of them said that they were about to book tickets. They were covering the people actually there and assumed others would make their own arrangements.
So, Op, arrange to buy a train ticket for yourself.

tipsyraven · 04/12/2025 08:06

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 03/12/2025 21:34

How do you know they have arranged it together? Why would they do this?
Have they openly spoken about it in front of you?
Could it be a mis communication?

Of course they have arranged it together. How else would they have done it?

MyThreeWords · 04/12/2025 08:09

Like other posters, I feel that perhaps your shyness has made you unintentionally seem a bit aloof and self-sufficient, so that they might feel that it would be intrusive/unexpected/unwanted to try to include you in the joint plans.

It is definitely worth asking them if you can be included in the joint travel. Just say something casual like "I was thinking of travelling on that train too. Shall we meet up and travel together?"

It doesn't seem from your posts as if there is any positive nastiness or friction. So the likelihood may be that they will be a bit surprised but not uncomfortable at your suggestion.

If you are reserved, I think it is easy to give the mistaken impression that you simply don't want to be included.

CoffeeCantata · 04/12/2025 08:14

I can only say what I would do in your situation. I’d go to the meal and try to have the best time I could.

If you don’t go you might miss a chance for a very enjoyable occasion and I honestly think you’ll regret it.

i’m not a soft- hearted person - make no mistake! These people have been thoughtless but if you miss this get together because they’ve upset you you are only hurting yourself, so f… them and go and enjoy yourself. Make your own travel arrangements and be coolly civil with them…perhaps with a wry, cynical raised eyebrow or two😏.

NamechangeRugby · 04/12/2025 08:15

saraclara · 04/12/2025 07:53

Don't call them out on it @TwattyMcTwattington . It won't help on any way. Also don't ask if it's okay if you can join them.
Simply say "which train are you getting to the Christmas do? I need to get myself organised and book a ticket"
That sounds far more confident and natural than some of the suggestions on this thread.

Perfect. Bring a good book, then it really doesn't matter if you end up sitting beside them, near them or in another carriage.

Go and enjoy the party. It will be grand and you will be glad you did, however it works out. 💪🎄🥂!

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 04/12/2025 08:16

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:03

I do know people from the other site. We're a small team overall so we work closely together but in a weirdly virtual way as we're so rarely together.

We had a team briefing this morning where the whole team discussed the event and we've all made meal choices on the teams post. They definitely know I'm going. The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them. It's simple maths really, counting to five!

Did you query with this colleague whether R had definitely said four and not five?

iSage · 04/12/2025 08:17

It's crap, but I'd message the one I got on best with "What train are you getting on Friday?" and try to arrange to meet them at the station. If they made it clear I wasn't wanted, I'd make my own arrangements.

For context, I'm the sort of person who always gets missed out of this kind of thing. I don't think it's intentional, I'm just not thought of. I take the view that I don't mind being a 'lone wolf' at work if needs be, but I'll take companionship casually where it's available.

I don't invest myself emotionally in work friendships. People come and people go and I try to rub along with them as best I can.

user1471538283 · 04/12/2025 08:19

I don't like this. Adults can be mean on purpose.

But do you have a nice colleague in the other team? I'd contact them, say you'll get there a little early to catch up and book your train ticket. I wouldn't say anything to the team on your site. No one mistakes 5 tickets for 4.