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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

227 replies

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 21:29

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 04/12/2025 05:12

Message them all and ask for train details. Say you didn’t realise they’d already booked travel as you’d have travelled with them. I’d end it saying don’t worry i’ll sit on my own and a smiley face. They are the one’s out of order. Hate it when people do things like this. I used to be in a team where only some people got invited to the Christmas party. A new boss came in and put a stop to it. It’s really shitty behaviour. But I think you should still go and enjoy yourself.

tamade · 04/12/2025 05:40

TwattyMcTwattington · 03/12/2025 22:16

I'll try and be brave tomorrow maybe.

I really am struggling to understand how anyone can think booking four train tickets is the most appropriate response when five people are going to an event. I mean, how is that your first thought?! They are in a teams chat together about it and they have said they are booking four tickets.

Is it possible that the four of them were going to car share, but the dd decided they would like to have a snort after all. And so once they decided that they would take the train they booked the tickets for their group. Forgetting you because you were not included in the initial plan.

I think that would be a bit easier to swallow.

VividLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 05:46

Is travelling between sites a regular occasion? if yes, i wouldn’t put any thought into including colleagues into organising the trip. Sometimes it cones up and we mention trains. So it can happen that i mention to person A tgat i’m taking the 7am train, they think its a good idea, and so on.
But equally they might decide the 6:30 suits them better, and nobody asks anyone else.
i work across 2 sites, we all go regularly. Sometimes some people go together, sometimes not. we all know where it is, we might bump into each other on the train, we might intentionally sit together - or not. Or half the team does (there are 8 of us, 2 sites)
The only time we explicitly arrange something is when someone hasn’t been before as the last bit of travel isn’t straightforward.

EleanorReally · 04/12/2025 05:49

can you ask them the times of the train tickets they booked and book your own

OvernightBloats · 04/12/2025 05:52

I think the best thing to do is ask if you can join them on the train journey. "Do you mind if I join you on the train?" or "Is it ok..." They are not going to say no and also it might make them realise how thoughtless they were by excluding you.

mrssunshinexxx · 04/12/2025 05:53

I disagree with those saying it could be thoughtless mistake , there’s 5 people they’ve forgotten 1 ( on purpose ) it’s shit
i wouldn’t waste the hangover on these people they aren’t your mates. Get out there in the new year to a new group / hobby / running club / Pilates and find a true pal. It will enrich your life x

Wbeezer · 04/12/2025 05:56

It could be as simple as the fact that four people fit round a table on a train and it’s a bit awkward for the fifth person sitting elsewhere, and your colleagues have chosen the easy option of avoiding this, still a bit crappy though.

curious79 · 04/12/2025 05:57

Just ask if you can travel with them - Bon courage!
whoever organised probably didn’t want the ball ache of sorting out more than 4 people’s tickets

ChocoFroggie · 04/12/2025 05:57

OP, please don't miss the party. Whatever has happened with the train booking, it's no reason for you to punish yourself further by denying yourself a party.

Sorry this has happened to you. But fuck 'em - let them do what they want to do and you follow YOUR agenda. Which is to go to and enjoy the party.

PersephonePomegranate · 04/12/2025 06:07

Horrorscope · 03/12/2025 21:47

How could it not be deliberate when there are five people in the team and four of them arrange to go together without asking the fifth person at some point!?

Show quote history

Totally agree. Even if they thought you wouldn't want to go with them, they should still ask.

PersephonePomegranate · 04/12/2025 06:09

As to whether you go, the question is, would you have a good time once you're there (the thoughtless knobheads aside)?

Base your decision on that.

PollyBell · 04/12/2025 06:11

If it was me I would go if I wanted to go or not if I didnt, it is an event I dont need to find myself back at school adults have a choice to attend or not why does it every single event on here have to have added drama

How people get to an event is none of my business

Fedupofwimps · 04/12/2025 06:12

VoltaireMittyDream · 03/12/2025 23:42

I’m also wondering if the others in your team are considerably younger / older than you, or live near one another and are carpooling to the train station or similar. When I was in my 20s it wouldn’t have occurred to me to invite a 40-something colleague to travel with me and my mates to the Xmas do, for example. And in my late 40s I’d feel like a bit of a weirdo inviting someone younger to travel with my middle aged pals.

They are a small team of five people though.
There are four of us at work, two late 50's, one in their 40's and one in their 20's. We would all travel together because we are friends!
I really don't think age is an excuse in the work place and any younger cliques are soon set on the correct path if something like this seems to be happening where I work (of course they can be friends etc, they just can't leave their colleagues out because they think Maureen in accounts isn't cool enough for them!).
Hopefully for OP it is just an oversight and her colleagues didn't intend to leave her out.

Peridoteage · 04/12/2025 06:16

The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them. It's simple maths really, counting to five!

See at this point i would have assumed this was an indirect prompt as to whether i wanted in & would have replied "ah brill i'll message R and ask if they can grab me one too".

Do you normally drive? Could they be making a simple assumption that you would be driving?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 04/12/2025 06:18

I’m wondering if they presumed you’d prefer to go under your own steam.

Keep it light and just message to ask what train they have booked as you will book the same one. Don’t over think it. Have a great time.x

frozendaisy · 04/12/2025 06:18

Ok you need to think about this differently

Book a train ticket yourself
take a book if you like
sit where you want on the train

and go and meet team B in person that’s partly what this Christmas do is for

don’t tell anyone at site b about this weird situation at the party - if you feel with someone maybe tell them later but so what they booked four train tickets

or one of them did but none of the others said anything

work dynamics are odd

so forget team a go and meet team b and have a nice time

it’s just work

it’s nice to have a professional relationship with people but in reality you get paid to be there

so go and meet team b and forget about train tickets and team a for an afternoon

Peridoteage · 04/12/2025 06:19

I really don't think age is an excuse in the work place and any younger cliques are soon set on the correct path if something like this seems to be happening where I work

Seniority can be come into play tho. My junior colleagues don't tend to include me in social stuff, they class me as the "boss" despite me constantly trying to foster a non hierarchical atmosphere.

QueenStevie · 04/12/2025 06:30

I would definitely say something along the lines of, "Oh X mentioned you were booking train tickets for the Christmas do. Can you include me in the booking please?" No need for confrontation or upset.

Have you travelled together in previous years? So you tend to drive yourself places? Do you not drink so they assumed you would drive? They should have asked, regardless, but sometimes assumptions are made.

FracasFracas · 04/12/2025 06:41

If you want to go to the work party, go!

XiCi · 04/12/2025 06:41

MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 03/12/2025 23:42

As the company pays for travel costs and the person who booked train only booked 4 tickets could you sent a breezy message to R saying,

"Hi X mentioned you were booking the train tickets for our team for the Christmas Meal. Can you add me to the booking as I'll take the train too. Looking forward to a great night. Thanks"

That way you're not confronting her but simply asking to be included in the train booking.

I would absolutely do this, perhaps adding that you dont want to go on your own. It was thoughtless of whoever booked the tickets but dont let it put you off going and enjoying the night.

XiCi · 04/12/2025 06:46

Peridoteage · 04/12/2025 06:16

The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them. It's simple maths really, counting to five!

See at this point i would have assumed this was an indirect prompt as to whether i wanted in & would have replied "ah brill i'll message R and ask if they can grab me one too".

Do you normally drive? Could they be making a simple assumption that you would be driving?

Agreed. She was letting you know what they were all doing. So at this point I'd have just fired a teams message out asking to be included in the booking. No big deal.

Fundays12 · 04/12/2025 06:49

This is horrible behaviour from them. I once worked with a team like that and it was horrible. It was made so obvious i was the odd one. You have nothing to be embarrassed about but they have plenty to be. Maybe have a long hard think are these people you want to spend your time with.

PollyBell · 04/12/2025 06:51

Why is it on the other people to ask the op why is it not on the op to ask to be added when the opportunity was there

We organise things at work no one is asked formally we all juat get involved and make what we want known

MichelleMonBelle · 04/12/2025 06:54

Peridoteage · 04/12/2025 06:19

I really don't think age is an excuse in the work place and any younger cliques are soon set on the correct path if something like this seems to be happening where I work

Seniority can be come into play tho. My junior colleagues don't tend to include me in social stuff, they class me as the "boss" despite me constantly trying to foster a non hierarchical atmosphere.

Seniority does come into play. My ex-boss always used to turn up to events as she wanted a non-heirarchical atmosphere. It was fine for me and other senior people but I knew it changed the dynamic for other junior folk when she was there.

OP, I agree with the PP that when you were told about R booking the tickets, this was your cue to say you’d like to go with them.

You did a big bit of courage to ask them which train their getting and you’ll meet them there (on the train).

DBD1975 · 04/12/2025 06:55

OP I am so sorry this is beyond mean, whatever way you look at it their behaviour is unkind and thoughtless.
If it was me I would tell them how I was feeling and yes I would probably get upset and yes I would probably cry, not angry, not confrontational just explain how you feel because you are fully entitled to feel how you do.
At best they are thoughtless at worst this is bullying, excluding you from travelling arrangements is horrible behaviour.
Is their anyone else at work you could speak to about it, your manager for example, just to get some support.
Please let us know how you get on OP, you matter and your feelings are valid x