To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

[TwattyMcTwattington]

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

Oh, and we're all at the same level of seniority. The two managers are both based at the other office, site B.

Just catch one of them in the break room and fish "hey, how are you [small talk]. Looking forwsrd to the do? I'm still looking to sort my train." See if they offer any info on their booking.

Or go alone and make an effort to talk to them on the night and travel back with them.

The thing is, if you don't talk to them, they won't invite you. Either because they dont think to include you or they know they'll have a laugh on the train but you'll sit there quietly and it will be awkward.

It's just that in the nicest way, you can't just pick people up as friends when it suits you. I know introverts hate that, but it's true. We all get anxious talking to people and sometimes we'd rather be left alone but this sort of thing is the reality of not pushing through that.

Surely not the case when the entire team consists of 5 people?
You wouldn't just invite the 3 "your age" and leave ONE person out on their own just because they are younger/older than you??

Thanks for clarifying, OP. R has definitely excluded you. Definitely tell your manager but make clear that you have sorted yourself out.

What do you think about reaching out to a couple of friendly people on the other site?

OP something you haven't clarified -
Is this a general trend of behaviour, or are you otherwise included in the group?

**sorry edited to say, it sounds very deliberate unfortunately. Is R usually like this towards you?
Because it's not only that she's excluded you but also making sure to tell you everyone else's tickets are booked together- clearly wanting to upset you imo.
If you are closer to any of the others,can you send a text or have a chat about it?

I think you just need to be bright and breezy and say can you get me a ticket too please? Or if they’ve already booked the tickets then say great, what time trains did you book as I’ll join you.

They’ve been open with you about booking tickets. It doesn’t sound as though they are going behind your back to avoid travelling with you.

ETA: I think you’re over thinking this. Our Christmas do is at a country hotel the other side of the country. I’m taking 2 people in my car. Because they both individually messaged me asking if I’m driving and could they get a lift please. I would hate to think people would think we are being cliquey. We have just been practical, nothing else.

That is really mean.

I would drop into a conversation something like “oh I’m getting the train too, might se you on there !” And then if you do see them on the train it’s not as awkward just say hi and sit wherever. And if you don’t see them just enjoy a solo train trip chilling.

Yes but surely if there was only 4 in your team and you were taking 2 people it would cross your mind to ask the only other person? Different if it's a big group, obviously no one has to organise everyone's transport but in a very small group when a conversation has been had it is shit to exclude only one person.

This. Just get a train and go to the do. Who cares whether you see your colleagues on the same train or not? It's not like you need their approval or permission to dare to be on the same train as their exalted arses or otherwise. Stop the overthinking!

The op has had an awful year, she states she finds it difficult to make friends so I think we can assume she is a bit low on confidence and being assertive, therefore she would find it incredible awkward to be on the same train but not included in the group.

Good idea to meet up early with team B for work related issue. Enjoy your evening.

Don’t ask them if they mind you travelling with them - much too passive. Ask as pp suggested, which trains / whereabouts their seats are and say you’ll try to find seats nearby.
Its understandable to feel hurt as it is rude to leave you out, I would try to get past that, style it out and enjoy the evening as you planned.

I understand you feeling excluded but honestly it's probably just thoughtlessness rather than anything else. If you say something like 'is it ok if I get the train up with you guys' it's casual enough and they will probably not bat an eye.

I'll probably ask my manager to meet in office B ahead of the meal and do something work related. I'll let you know how it goes though!

That's a good idea OP. And you can speak to your manager about this while you're at it. It's a work event not a personal one, leaving 1 person out intentionally or not needs to be addressed.

Either it's OP being overlooked through them not thinking so they get a reminder to not let it happen again, or it's ostracising on purpose aka bullying in which case it's a bollocking. They'll probably claim the former but they'll know they're being watched in future.

Sit in a different carriage perhaps?

Can you really not see how awkward it would be?

I feel for you, having been in the same position many yrs ago. I dealt with it by withdrawing, but, looking back, it just made things worse. Better to just go along. However bad it is, you're unlikely to regret having gone, but you may well regret not going. In any case, why should these thoughtless people stop you going where you're entitled to be! For what it's worth, I had started to think there was something wrong with me, but then got a job where everyone accepted me. Come back and let us know how you get onl

Perhaps she was saying that to give you the opportunity to say "oh, I'll be going by train as well - can you ask her to book me as well".

This sort of thing can just evolve: A and B are chatting about which train to get, A says "shall I book tickets?" The next day B and C are in the office, it comes up in conversation and C says "Oh yes, count me in." Then B sees D and they get added in. A assumes B has talked to everyone, or that enough people are involved that someone will have mentioned it to you, so presumes you're going independently by choice (you might be going via whoever is looking after your child, or earlier/later).

Without seeking to minimise your feelings here, there are possible explanations that could apply to the quartet having arranged to go together.
Lots of suggestions spring to mind:

What have you done in previous years, when nipping to Site B was necessary? Were you proactive about things or did you wait to be asked along?
Are you solitary at work, or do you chat easily and casually over coffee for example?

It’s just that your four younger colleagues may misinterpret your holding yourself slightly apart at work, and put it down to your being an older woman with children, who just prefers things that way.
They may think you don’t especially want their company, as you've nothing in common.
If you're a particularly quiet and reticent woman, they may not feel madly eager to include you just because you work there; after all, there’s a significant age gap and they might themselves be an immature lot unversed in social cues and niceties. (Theres a lot of it about)
Or perhaps childcare has prevented your attending some previous get together, and that resulted in an assumption of permanent non-availability.

All I’m saying is that you needn’t automatically assume that they are being mean. If previous occasions have shown your reluctance to mingle, they may just be taking for granted that you’ve no inclination to be among them this time too, and that independence is your preferred MO.

It has to be your move now to seek inclusion for this Xmas do, since it looks like things are settled, so your being irked, miffed, and generally pissed off at not being included in that ticket buying should be kept well under wraps (at least until you are certain whether any insult was ever actually intended.)

The least painful thing though would be to buy your own ticket, and greet them all cheerfully at the station, with a meet-up with your Site B person your focus.
If you can all mingle easily then at the do like reasonable people, then that’s all the better because after Christmas, you don’t want to be dragging this present resentment around with you and clouding a new year.

The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them. It's simple maths really, counting to five!

This might have been a good opportunity to say "and why are you telling me?" and see if the penny dropped. You might have to just bite the bullet and just say you haven't been included in the train ticket numbers the next time it comes up, unless you feel up to asking them about it.

sorry you’re in this situation OP. I agree they should have just asked everyone and booked train tickets for everyone going - but they haven’t and we don’t know the reason for that yet. I know it’s daunting but you need to ask to be included on the booking if it is a company booking (if it’s R paying with personal money and then claiming it back then that is a different matter - I don’t think she is required to book tickets for you if it’s her money). If it is a company booking and R refuses/ is funny with you then you I think you consider raising it with your line manager at that point. The right thing to do would have been to email the whole office and come up with a plan together in the first place and for work to pay upfront.

If they all know already that you are going, then they may be assuming you are getting there under your own steam.
I think we save ourselves a lot of distress if we ascribe things such as OP is complaining about to mere oversight or miscommunication rather than to malice, at least as a starting point.

Bl**dy hell, what a mean, thoughtless bunch. Please go to the event, get on the same train, same carriage, who cares? Be independent, enjoy yourself on your own terms. If you find you're not having fun, effect a French exit. You don't need those people, trust me. Do it on your own terms.

It was thoughtless of them but it doesn't seem like they are usually hostile or petty towards you. If you don't go you'd probably be missing out on a fun time as well as an opportunity to build bonds with your manager and colleagues at the other site.

I'd either just say, 'do you mind if I book and come with you all on the train' or just book a seat in a separate carriage and take a book, and act like you are fine with it.

I do think that any sort of 'confrontation' with the ticket organiser would be unprofessional and unnecessary.

'The colleague in the office with me today (we're hybrid so the others were working from home) let me know that R had messaged her confirming she'd book tickets for the four of them.'

surely that was your opportunity to say ' oh great, can R book me one too, and I can either pay R in cash or do a bank transfer '

If you think back, do you not think this is why the colleague in the office was telling you this ?
was it not giving you the opportunity to say that you would join them.