Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

after a nasty incident where he was v v angry with me & i had to cancel my birthday because he refused to come out of our bedroom so I pretended to be ill to our friends. I said I wanted it to be over shortly after that.. And he finally agree to go to therapy (after years of asking)

He is a nasty man. Not all the time of course because that is how it works cycle of abuse. He is confident you will stick around whatever. But you do not have to.

You do not know when next outburst will be.
Your ds picks cues from him e.g "daddy is the boss" etc.
Life will be better separated.
Short visits with dad willbe better than being around all the time.
Start planning.

I think people on MN often miss the point that abusive fathers often still get custody and unsupervised access to their kids. Many women will choose to stay in an abusive relationship because they have more chance of keeping the kids safe.
I understand perfectly the OP's worries., I couldn't cope with the thought that I would have to hand my children over to a man I might not trust and courts will often insist on this.

I think your children are beginning to absorb and mirror their fathers lack of control anger and abuse. So if you are considering next steps on a safety basis you leaving DH, who is abusive, will allow the children to see a life which is calm and happy...without a partner demeaning another. Yes they may have time with him but they will have stability with you ...some safe time is better than none. Your not accepting the cruelty (of your DH) teaches your children something important.
You sound a wonderful Mum 💐

I think the starting point would be to take advice from Women’s Aid organisations and a solicitor who is experienced with domestic abuse, though, not assume that you know what the courts will do.

There’s a lot of ‘the courts will do this and the courts will do that’, but there are many steps before you get into a court room. And also I think leaving is a process. Abuse is not a problem you can fix yourself. Having some external support and getting information is a good thing.

It is true that the thought of sending your children to stay with an abusive father is frightening.

However, children learn more from what we do than what we say.

If we stay, our children learn that violence is an acceptable response to a chicken nugget issue.

If we separate, eventually they will have at least one peaceful home where they may choose to spend more time as they grow older, and they learn that we don’t find it acceptable when daddies do that.

He dropped his child from a height onto a concrete floor yet you think that he is the victim here. Your post makes my skin crawl.

Living and coping with an ND child is challenging and your husband, ND or not, has committed an act of abuse. You have a duty to protect your child. Your husband has to go. Personally i would report this. If he does this in your presence what will he do when you're not there

Honestly, please leave him. If he then chooses to make positive steps to rebuild relationships, trust, takes accountability then he can work on building the family again in the future. Right now, you need to teach and protect your children.

He might have ASD- but refuses to seek support or discuss.
He shouts and now the chair situation- doesn't accept responsibility and blames your son, a 6 year old.
All problems are you fault- your bad parenting. Even though he is also the parent.
You do all the courses and seeking support- no responsibility from him, no support for you, no teamwork.

Please, you see the warning signs, please teach you children not to accept this treatment. You all deserve better. He isn't making any steps to support you and your children as a family. Instead he acts as he wishes, expects everyone to behave the way he wants and blames, blames, blames.

Also, I would report this to the school, and the police. If/when you split you do not want him get 50/50 of your kids when he won't have you there to step in and help/do everything/take over. He needs a wakeup call.

Just had a follow up meeting at school with educational mental health practitioner - someone outside the school that comes in to help parents. She met us both together for 90 mins.

She didn't mention the 'incident' at all (i presume she was told by school)- but instead focussed on us parenting together - setting clearer household rules, having agreed approaches if DS tries to hit. It was positive and she was v helpful in just reminding us/me of parenting techniques for SEN kids.

One thing though was DH went off on one at the beginning saying "spiderwoman presence is the issue and I can't be asked to resolve that. spiderwoman needs boundaries and rules and consistency or the kids will keep walking all over her. and i can't do it for her" and the MH practitioner didn't like that - she was v softly spoken but said "well, you don't want your wife to be treated poorly by her kids so why don't we try and work together" and told him off (again v lightly) for "point scoring" a couple of times. Right at the end - I had bought a notebook with me to take notes but had done some doodles in it - and DH said as we were leaving "good job you were taking some tidy and clear notes of all of that spiderwoman" (sarcastically) - and as we walked out the door the practitioner said to DH - "what did i say about point scoring. come on".

SO the parenting advice was good. but felt a bit like marriage counselling. I felt embarrassed to be there at some points. she talked about DH managing his anger and not letting it shape his reactions but it was all v positive and trying to help rather than framed in any kind of safeguarding way.

You cannot assume this person is aware of the violence, @Spiderwoman123 . Can you email to check? I don't think the school has recognised the seriousness of the violence and they may not have passed it on. He sounds as charming as ever. You will be so much happier when you leave him.

That's so good it was positive, OP, and the practitioner wasnt fooled by DH's presentation. I hope it works and you are both able to pull together.

She sounds like a gem tbh. She saw straight though him for sure!

How did he respond for being called out on his point scoring?

My God, your husband sounds insufferable. I've only read your updates so maybe loads of other people have said this but, the fact that your son is "perfect" for his dad but lashes out at you is not the win your husband seems to think it is. Given the backstory, it seems unlikely that your husband is just a brilliant parent with exceptional boundary-setting skills (there's plenty of evidence on this thread that he's not) whilst you have no rules and the kids don't respect you. I think what's far more likely, is that the kids are scared of him and are fawning. Treading on eggshells internally to keep the peace because they know that their wellbeing is linked to their ability to keep his temper even. Whilst with you, they feel safe and can depend on your unconditional love and care, so they lash out and pour their emotions onto you. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is a fairly classic, textbook situation. I think a decent family therapist would see through this in session one. Which is probably why your husband refuses to attend.

He was miffed at the point scoring bit @KetchUpWithEverythingPls he said as we walked home "i wasn't having a go at you about the doodles for gods sake. don't know why she said that". I just felt so weary that i didn't really say much. He has now gone out in a bit of a huff and i'm at home working.

It just sums up the attitude though. I bring a notebook to take notes of her advice. He would never do that. But then he make a little dig that I havent' done it properly. That sums up a lot - I do it. He criticises it. But always tiny remarks. I was surprised the practitioner picked up on it, as it feels so tiny/normal to me.

the theory that DS is more comfortable with me and therefore doesn't mask was discussed @Fargo79 but I know DH thinks that is a load of old bollocks so he smiled through that bit but he has heard it before - and rejects it entirely - so totally doesn't go in.

We do both agree though that we need clearer expectations with DS and so we can work on that togehter hopefully.

@bigboykitty I know what you mean. I did actually think there was a real risk once I told the school that SS would be round our house but absolutely not the case. I told the school the exact info i have shared on this thread and they told me it woudl be reported as a safeguarding report on DS file and then they suggested the follow up with the practitioner. but SS hasn't been mentioend once. they have just been v positive and warm about me seeking help

I am glad that you found the meeting helpful, it is always good to re-g3ar the advice as we can often forget things or just need that refresher.

However... dad attended, took no responsibility, didn't take in the advice, blamed you and your parenting and when he was called out he denied and accepted no responsibility. So you are no further forward with him, and quite simply you never will be. He won't listen to you, he won't listen to professionals.

My son has adhd, when we lived with his dad he was violent, meltdowns that could last an hour, violence mainly directed at me. I was blamed for the behaviours, all my bad parenting of course. The moment me and the kids moved out, after a month I realised one day that he wasn't being violent at all. I was calmer, consistent, wasn't consistently undermined, and 2 years on my children and myself are in a much happier place. Those tiny, constant criticisms where everything is your job but your bad at everything- that is part of emotional abuse. You self esteem is at an all time low.

@Spiderwoman123 you are in a toxic relationship and that means your children are being raised in a toxic environment, can you honestly see a long term future with your husband ?

she talked about DH managing his anger and not letting it shape his reactions

sounds like she got the measure of him! Can you have a telephone follow up with her in order to fill her in on what you are actually dealing with?

I agree with @BookArt55 …

dad attended, took no responsibility, didn't take in the advice, blamed you and your parenting and when he was called out he denied and accepted no responsibility. So you are no further forward with him, and quite simply you never will be. He won't listen to you, he won't listen to professionals.

You must understand that he will not change. His actions and behaviour are damaging your children every single day. Can you formulate a plan to separate and have them live in a calm, nurturing environment for at least 80% of the time?

The practitioner was likely safeguarding spiderwoman from a potential violent reaction. This is good practice exploratory work by the professional involved. Sounds like DH showed his problems, couldn't help himself

I agree, @Anyahyacinth , but she may actually still be missing the vital information that he was violent to their son. She clearly sees his contempt and childish point-scoring.

He's been an absolute dick again this afternoon. Both kids in tears while im on my teams meeting. He just on his phone. Both kids screaming and I have to leave meeting to deal with them. He doesnt look up from his phone. Completely unbothered.

The way im feeling right now I'd be so well shot of him.

I know in practice though the guilt is debilitating. I have tried to leave in the past.

We havent kissed or even hugged in many months. Maybe the whole of 2025.

Oh this is all so horrible @Spiderwoman123. Are people IRL (your family/friends) aware of it all?

this is good op as they will see how he is and thatll support you if you want him to have less contact. They know it’s not you.

What happened when you tried to leave before?

Look I have a friend with a similar type of husband. She left and the kids have come on leaps and bounds. They hated visiting him so she got social care involved. They dont make the kids visit.

Why feel guilty for leaving/telling him to go? And what did happen when you tried to leave before? Its not your fault he's a dick. Or that he ignores the children when thry are crying. It doesnt sound as if he's taken anything in from what's happened and the consequences at all.

I wonder why he stays?

You dont have sex, he doesn't like the way you parent, he is wound up by his son... what is HE getting out of it?

Or is it just laziness that he stays?

Rip the Band-Aid off @Spiderwoman123 . I have found being a single mother SO MUCH easier than being married to a selfish, thoughtless man.