Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

I say again - do you have an ND child? Are you an ND family? There are so many variables here! This is a discussion forum - yes, OPs DH may be abusive, BUT he could just be coming up up against their son, because they are so similar. Both equally as rigid, inflexible and volatile emotionally. So with social support this might be resolved.

Food seems to be a flash point here. Can't you just lay out a tray with a few options and the rest of the family eat together if they wish?

( short term)

He threw his child to a concrete floor, in anger, over a chicken nugget. He could have killed him. The child was lucky to not have been injured.

Did you not read the bit where I said I don't care about the feelings of the grown man abusing his child? I DON'T CARE. He is an adult, he has resources. He has been invited many, many times by the OP and others to engage with support and advice and he has refused. He has chosen to continue using emotional, verbal, and now physical abuse. And after attacking his six-year-old, instead of being horrified at himself and being triggered to make big changes, he acted the victim and tried to blame it all on his kid.

His behaviour is abusive. Whether or not that makes him abusive is just semantics, and it's irrelevant. OP and her family have to deal with his behaviour, not his motivations.

I swear to God, some people will excuse a man any amount of abuse and violence on the grounds that they feel sorry for him. Where's your compassion for the children who are growing up terrified and having their spirits crushed by this relentless ordeal?

Dear @BecauseIWantTo , I do hope the OP reads your post.

@Spiderwoman123 's DH seems autistic to me, and that post offers an alternative view and also a possible way through this painful frustrating situation.

Up and down the land, especially at this time of year parents will be on a short fuse.

What is expected of people in this country is absolutely ridiculous. The pace of life, the school curriclum, the cult of the individual, greed everywhere.

Of course it is not right for one second to hurt a small child but there is a back story here.
Children are tired, ill , can't cope with 10 hour days and the relentless drive to pass tests. It's madness.

This is hilarious.

He works part time already and she works full time. You would then give him the week off to just chill AFTER he has already physically abused his child, and leave her to do all of the exhausting work in looking after 2 DC, 1 of who is ASD, and all of the housework herself.

Mumsnet really is the pits isn't it? Either that or you must be a man and/or the OP's DH.

@Spiderwoman123 How are you all doing today? How are you a DS feeling? I'm thinking of you x

@NimbleDreamer

Or they could separate and OP would do everything by herself forever more!

I’d rather show him / teach him how to be a better Dad. Give him the opportunity to sit back and learn.

Thanks. I'm alright. I've told the school. Had a meeting with his teacher. They were v supportive and understanding. A safeguarding referral has been internally so I will talk to the safeguarding lead on Monday who i guess then will decide whether to include SS but the class teacher made it sound unlikely. We are being put top of list to see their in school parenting support person for some weekly sessions. They will also be sure to support DS at school. H is quiet. Boys seem ok.

Has your husband worked part-time since the children were born?
Would it be possible for you to switch roles at this point or for both of you to work full-time and put the children in wrap-around care?

I'm glad you're okay. Hopefully, everyone will get the support they need. I think Hs level of engagement with the support will really show you if your marriage is salvageable. I'm routing for you. I think you are a great mum and thatcwhatever happens you'll work towards the best interests of your kids.

Well done, OP, that took a lot to go to the school with this. Have you told H that you've done this? I really hope that he will now take on board that this behaviour can never be repeated and that he needs to make a lot of changes going forwards.

Well done OP. I hope your husband embraces the opportunity to get the help he needs to be a better dad.

I feel so sorry for you OP. From where i see it, it's your husband who needs to learn new parenting skills. A lot of children who are ASD do have issues with food, your husband clearly knows that, but decides to make it his way anyway, and tries to force his 'normal' on to his son. He is not trying to understand your son in any way and this will affect the poor boy. He doesn't understand why he likes food a certain way or type, he isn't being awkward. I think your husband sees him as an awkward, spoiled by his mother, child. If your husband is unwilling to learn more, your poor son is in for a lot more shouting matches. Could you suggest some online learning? Make it something you both do at the same time, so you can try to create some unity?

Why does everyone on MN diagnose people they have have never met as neurodiverse? Honestly it’s getting ridiculous. This is a situation that got out of hand. Clearly your husband should not have acted as he did. You need to talk it through with him and agree on how to deal with similar situations in the future. Which I am sure you will.

Comparing one poor parenting behaviour to a worse one does not make the first one better.

I think she misses the point . it’s not about the pudding. It’s about undermining his authority with his son & making him look like the bad guy

He IS the bad guy. Giving a child a pudding isn’t poor parenting. Throwing a child from a chair however is abuse. You would know that if you were a parent.

I agree it is overused (in MN diagnostic). However, there is the genetics factor, so when there is a child with diagnosis, it is a relevant possibility.

Leave or kick him out immediately if you contact children services they will be able to support you your husband is abusive and it's not ok to have kids in this situation

Again it’s not about a pudding. You’re looking at it to simplistically & if you don’t get what it the actions shows & the message it sends then maybe it’s to complicated for you. The dad’s actions are indefensible. I haven’t once defended him but I also don’t think it’s all one sided.

I do think it’s all one sided. That’s where we differ. There is no excuse for a FATHER to throw his 6 year old son off a chair.

Btw, you think my view is “simplistic” and it’s “TO” complicated for me?

So to counter that insult, I will add that your spelling and grammar are atrocious and that trying to understand your post was like trying to walk through treacle.

We can all throw around insults.

Most parents however don’t throw around their 6 year old son then say its tit for tat like you do.

Got another meeting with school tomorrow which we are both going to. He took DS1 out for the day yesterday and they had a lovely day. H also boasts hoe well behaved DS1 is with him. They went to a big city which I wouldn't with DS at this time of year but apparently hes "perfect" when im not there

Feeling a bit sad thouugg as DH shouted at me this morning over nothing. Really silly thing when he said I was vein and I said that made me feel about bit shit and he shouted at me in the car "get over yourself. For fuck sake. Just get over yourself you ridiculous fucking woman" etc.

He is willing to engage with school and the kids do love him so much. But I feel so exhausted by thinsh at home.

Can you imagine saying what he said to you in the car to anyone else?

I'm sorry this must be so awful for you. He is still trying to blame your sons behaviour on you by saying he's perfect when you're not there.
Sorry but i imagine the poor kid is masking as he's scared of his dads reaction. And now the twat is turning his anger on you.
No good him being willing to engage with school and then disrespecting you behind closed doors. It's one thing saying that the kids love him but at least one of them is scared of him and eventually he'll find a reason to start picking on the other one.
I hope you make the right decision and find some peace.