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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For feeling a little envious of my neighbour?

175 replies

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 03/12/2025 14:09

Okay, so I guess I already know that I am, but I can't help how I feel.

So, I am 53, both DD's grown up and left home, no grandchildren yet. Its just me, DH and my dogs at home.

My lovely neighbour over the road got married last year, they are a lovely couple in their early 30's. This year they had their first baby. I went over to meet the baby when I saw her out walking with him in the pushchair several weeks after she had had him. She was glowing and gushing about how much she loved motherhood and how it had surprised her how well she had adapted to being a mum. I could totally resonate with her as I had felt the exact same way when I had my first.

She is still on maternity leave and I see her out and about, having a wonderful life with her baby. Going on walks, having her Mum pop round, attending mum and baby groups (we live in a small village so we see each other often out and about) She looks so so happy and it makes me feel warm inside for her.

She came back from being out at another mum and baby session this morning and our paths crossed as I was coming back from walking my dog. We spoke for a while. When I came back inside she was outside still getting her baby in from the car, glowing and smiling and I was watching her and smiling and then I suddenly felt all envious. Looking at her was like looking at myself all those years ago and I suddenly was engulfed with memories of my own children being babies, being toddlers, and those lovely cuddly fuzzy days of motherhood.

It seems like such a long time ago that I was in the throes of those days when my babies were small and family life was wonderful and part of me would give anything to go back and do it all again. Especially at this time of year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I have a great DH, two amazing DD's who I am close to who have lovely lives of their own and two beautiful dogs that I adore. I love my life, I really do. But I really, really sometimes miss being a mum to young ones.

Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 03/12/2025 14:13

YANBU to feel this way. This is a good time you can prepare yourself for being a grandparent. Those warm fuzzy days supporting your DD’s and snuggling with your tiny DGB’s. Enjoy your interim time with just DH while you have it!

Original poster
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 03/12/2025 14:18

MissDoubleU · 03/12/2025 14:13

YANBU to feel this way. This is a good time you can prepare yourself for being a grandparent. Those warm fuzzy days supporting your DD’s and snuggling with your tiny DGB’s. Enjoy your interim time with just DH while you have it!

Oh I am.

I love my life, I am content. But I also can't help but look back and feel slightly envious that my neighbour has these lovely years that have only just started for her. She has all this journey to go through and I feel slightly sad those days are gone for me.

I know I need to get a grip and just enjoy this time, just me and my DH, while I have it. 😂

OP posts:
InveterateWineDrinker · 03/12/2025 14:22

The only grandparents I speak to regularly are the ones with primary school age DGC who have been roped in to care-giving once again. Some of them are barely up to it physically, but for all of them their own children would not be able to make ends meet without the help.

They are mostly miserable.

CoralOP · 03/12/2025 14:39

I honestly don't know any mother who is often in the fuzzy bubble of loving motherhood. What I remember is that is was HARD work!
Lack of sleep, losing yourself, hating your husband, losing your body, utter exhaustion, guilt, etc etc.
Then there's the rare moments you sit and breath and look at your child with awe when they finally go to sleep for their nap.
You either had a very easy baby or you have some very rose tinted glasses on.
She may well have a lovely conversation outside her car but I would put money on the fact that she's been in tears many a time trying to cope.

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 03/12/2025 14:44

I agree with @CoralOP (sorry to say). I think very few women find it lovely and glow-y and a big happy bubble in the moment. But of course you feel how you feel and that's fine.

Sartre · 03/12/2025 14:47

Well I never felt lovely and glowing and fuzzy with newborns, ever. Just felt exhausted, dirty, covered in milk stains and ugly to be frank. Each to their own I guess!

Original poster
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 03/12/2025 14:54

CoralOP · 03/12/2025 14:39

I honestly don't know any mother who is often in the fuzzy bubble of loving motherhood. What I remember is that is was HARD work!
Lack of sleep, losing yourself, hating your husband, losing your body, utter exhaustion, guilt, etc etc.
Then there's the rare moments you sit and breath and look at your child with awe when they finally go to sleep for their nap.
You either had a very easy baby or you have some very rose tinted glasses on.
She may well have a lovely conversation outside her car but I would put money on the fact that she's been in tears many a time trying to cope.

Sorry that was your experience of motherhood but I am definitely not looking at it through rose tinted glasses. We obviously had very difference experiences of it. I do feel my neighbour seems to be having a very similar experience to the one I had.

I won't dispute it was hard work at times, but I never once hated my husband, lost my body or had too much in the way of mum guilt. And yes, once my maternity leave was over, I went back to work, albeit part time, and money was tight on occasion. My babies were not perfect but I have to say I didn't really struggle too much and found being a Mum to be an amazing positive experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 03/12/2025 14:58

I get that not everyone had it easy and some would find motherhood harder and I guess much of that is dependent on your baby and your support system.

Maybe I was lucky in that both my girls were pretty easy babies and although I had my moments of exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed I still loved the whole thing. Having a newborn and those first few weeks of DH and I at home together are really fond memories.

OP posts:
spiderlight · 03/12/2025 15:04

I think it's lovely that your neighbour seems so happy and that it's bringing back such fond memories for you. Think of it as nostalgic gratitude rather than jealousy. I feel the same when I see mums with baby/toddler boys - mine wasn't easy, but he was such a little bundle of free-spirited joy and mischief and I had so much fun with him. I still do (he's 18 now and still lovely) but I'd love to have just one more day of him as a little one!

Izzy24 · 03/12/2025 15:07

Be in the day.

Don’t waste the now wishing for the past.

honeylulu · 03/12/2025 15:07

Is it envy though? Or nostalgia/wistfulness about a happy, life changing phase in your life that won't come again?

I found the baby years hard going but lovely too. I'm generally matter of fact about things and after i had my youngest i didn't want any more, but the other day I was Christmas shopping and caught sight of some cute baby clothes and was shocked how emotional I felt, tears welling up in my eyes thinking that my kids were once so tiny they wore tiny cute clothes like that. I think it reminded me of the sudden intense love and fascination I had felt for them as new babies which was different to any other kind of emotions I've experienced. Not sure if I'm making sense!

I still wouldn't want to do it all again!

cupfinalchaos · 03/12/2025 15:11

Envy’s a funny thing op.. I’m not an envious person but if I was, I’d be envious of you! You adored the baby stage, whereas I was with my abusive ex who made those days hell.
I am slightly older than you, and looking forward to being a grandma one day too.

Peonies12 · 03/12/2025 15:13

Honestly you have no idea what is going on when she gets inside her house. She might be crying all night whilst the baby is screaming. Covered in baby poo / sick. You've only seen her for snippets of time! She might be thinking she is envious of you with whole nights of sleep and endless time to yourselves! And please don't assume you will have grandchildren, it's far from a guarantee. I had a really tough year with my first, but if I saw a neighbour I would have put on a smile. The majority of new parents find the early years very hard, everyone I know does, especially with needing to work, that should be normalised rather than expecting it to be all calm and cuddles, and loving every minute.

Redpeach · 03/12/2025 15:16

I agree op, having a young family is a lovely stage of life

Imissgoldengrahams · 03/12/2025 15:19

I am envious of you OP, and your neighbour and frankly anyone who has had an easy baby! To the point you couldn't pay me millions to go back to the baby stage. I hated it. I barely recognised myself. All of my babies had tongue tie and reflux and some sort of milk allergy so had explosive poo. Each day was frankly hell on earth.
Now my youngest is 4, it still is hard but in a different way. My oldest daughter is in the middle of an adhd assessment, I'm trying to hold a management job together, while run a house. I barely have a moment to fart. Its the fucking hardest thing in the world. I will not miss this one bit 😂

howshouldibehave · 03/12/2025 15:22

she was outside still getting her baby in from the car, glowing and smiling

I don't think I've ever seen any parents glowing and smiling for any length of time whilst they are getting their kids in from the car!

Cucy · 03/12/2025 15:23

I voted YABU as my neighbour has also recently had a baby and I feel sorry for her, even though she looks happy.

My DC are at the age where I have finally got my independence back and I am loving it and so the thought of that being taken away makes me feel ill 😂

I would, however, love to go back to when I was young and do my youth again and then actually appreciate my DC more.
I feel like it went by so fast and I spent it just getting through the days with no sleep and I kept wishing for them to be older so I wouldn’t have to do nappies, so they would sleep better, so they wouldn’t need childcare etc and I feel like I wished their life away.

I want to go back and appreciate it all but I would never do it all again now (I am young enough if I wanted to).

Augustus40 · 03/12/2025 15:25

I am personally relieved the early years of ds are long behind me!

I lost my mum when I was pregnant then split up with d's father when d's was five months old. Those were some of the hardest years of my life!

PassOnThat · 03/12/2025 15:26

I love being a mother to a 3yo. I work very part-time at the moment so I get to spend lots of time with her.

I'm jealous of the parents of the real little 'uns we met at playgroup. Not the babies, they're very hard work, but the little toddlers from a year upwards who are just so chubby and cute you could snuggle them all day. My little one is Little Miss Independent now and thinks she knows better than me about lots of stuff 😂.

Life isn't perfect - we have aging, unwell parents and other issues - but I'm aware that I'll look back on these days as being the "golden" ones and so I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff.

I'm aware that at some point in the next few years I'm going to have to rediscover "me" though and what I'm capable of, and part of me is afraid I might not like what I find. So I'm sticking my head in the sand right now.

TimeForATerf · 03/12/2025 15:29

Not me, I’m counting down the hours until my much loved DGD goes home, I’ve had her since 7:30 this morning, and my house is a state, I’m exhausted, the cats are in hiding and I’ve not had time to eat all day. I adore her but it brings it all back to me just how exhausting having babies is and relentless.

Frozenbiscuit5 · 03/12/2025 15:32

@ErlingHaalandsManBun have you maybe considered foster caring? That way you could spend time providing respite to young children or providing longer term fostering , if you genuinely enjoy looking after young children, it may be something to consider

MissDoubleU · 03/12/2025 15:32

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 03/12/2025 14:18

Oh I am.

I love my life, I am content. But I also can't help but look back and feel slightly envious that my neighbour has these lovely years that have only just started for her. She has all this journey to go through and I feel slightly sad those days are gone for me.

I know I need to get a grip and just enjoy this time, just me and my DH, while I have it. 😂

Show quote history

You don’t need to get a grip at all, you are absolutely allowed to feel that way. I am in my 30’s and I won’t have any more children (my choice, the correct choice) but I absolutely look at new babies and new mothers with green eyes. I wish more than anything sometimes I could do it all again with what I know now. With the support I have now, the strength I have now. In reality I’m so grateful for the two I have and they couldn’t be any closer to perfect. It wasn’t all perfect getting them here but this stage is also beautiful, in a new kind of fuzzy way.

It’s very easy to romanticise the baby stage, too. Less so when you’re covered in milk puke with sore boobs and no sleep. Don’t grudge yourself the emotions. You’re doing no one any harm having a little moment with them.

lazyarse123 · 03/12/2025 15:34

CoralOP · 03/12/2025 14:39

I honestly don't know any mother who is often in the fuzzy bubble of loving motherhood. What I remember is that is was HARD work!
Lack of sleep, losing yourself, hating your husband, losing your body, utter exhaustion, guilt, etc etc.
Then there's the rare moments you sit and breath and look at your child with awe when they finally go to sleep for their nap.
You either had a very easy baby or you have some very rose tinted glasses on.
She may well have a lovely conversation outside her car but I would put money on the fact that she's been in tears many a time trying to cope.

It's honestly not like that for everyone. It's not rose tinted glasses, I had 3 under 3 and they were some of the best times of my life. Yes all my kids slept fairly well, tantrums happened rarely. No illnesses or sen thankfully.
Getting them all dressed and out to school that's where the challenges started but even then not awful.
I liked it that much I became a childminder when youngest was 2 year old.

Original poster
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 03/12/2025 15:39

I loved being a Mum, it is the most amazing and most rewarding thing I have done in my life.

I admit that my babies were good babies, slept well, fed well and were what most would consider easy. As toddlers they were funny and full of character and yes, they pushed the boundaries at times but mostly were good kids who went to bed on time and rarely threw tantrums.

I loved children so much that I also worked with them in a nursery. A nursery where both of my DD's went to with me when they were little and before they went to school. I also helped with toddler groups and after school clubs because I generally just loved being around children.

So maybe that helps or maybe I got lucky with my two, who knows. All I know is that I loved (and still love) being a mum. I think its the only thing I have ever done that I was really good at.

OP posts:
DeftGoldHedgehog · 03/12/2025 15:41

I don't understand your mindset at all, OP. I'm 50, DDs are almost independent and I love having more time to do what I want outside work, to be able to go away for the weekend without any fuss, to actually go to work without dropping them off at childcare and juggling all that responsibility and so on, and am so glad they are out the other side of the school system. Much as I love being a parent the last thing I would want is to go back twenty years and do it all again - arrgh!

I will love being a grandma in ten years or so if it happens. Enjoy your life now, it's later than you think.