For feeling a little envious of my neighbour?

[ErlingHaalandsManBun]

Okay, so I guess I already know that I am, but I can't help how I feel.

So, I am 53, both DD's grown up and left home, no grandchildren yet. Its just me, DH and my dogs at home.

My lovely neighbour over the road got married last year, they are a lovely couple in their early 30's. This year they had their first baby. I went over to meet the baby when I saw her out walking with him in the pushchair several weeks after she had had him. She was glowing and gushing about how much she loved motherhood and how it had surprised her how well she had adapted to being a mum. I could totally resonate with her as I had felt the exact same way when I had my first.

She is still on maternity leave and I see her out and about, having a wonderful life with her baby. Going on walks, having her Mum pop round, attending mum and baby groups (we live in a small village so we see each other often out and about) She looks so so happy and it makes me feel warm inside for her.

She came back from being out at another mum and baby session this morning and our paths crossed as I was coming back from walking my dog. We spoke for a while. When I came back inside she was outside still getting her baby in from the car, glowing and smiling and I was watching her and smiling and then I suddenly felt all envious. Looking at her was like looking at myself all those years ago and I suddenly was engulfed with memories of my own children being babies, being toddlers, and those lovely cuddly fuzzy days of motherhood.

It seems like such a long time ago that I was in the throes of those days when my babies were small and family life was wonderful and part of me would give anything to go back and do it all again. Especially at this time of year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I have a great DH, two amazing DD's who I am close to who have lovely lives of their own and two beautiful dogs that I adore. I love my life, I really do. But I really, really sometimes miss being a mum to young ones.

Anyone else feel the same?

My youngest is only 4 (I have 3 all primary aged) I was never in this floaty bubble you describe, yes I loved having children, I went and had 3, but all this walking along glowing and grinning I'm not sure I ever did this, none of my children slept and I breastfed for a total of 6.5 years, maybe this is why I wasn't floating and glowing? Or maybe time just changes reality and when my kids are grown up I will think I was this grinning, floating woman for the 10 years while my children were babies or toddlers 🤔🤣?

A pointless post you replied to!

This resonates with me - for the last couple of months, as I am eating breakfast, I have really enjoyed watching through the window as a young neighbour leaves each morning in her car to take her reception age daughter to school, bringing her baby along too. It reminds me so much of my life 30-ish years ago!

I am older than you OP so my children are already in their 30s and I have grandchildren, but that doesn't stop me feeling wistful as I watch her.... not sure I would really want to do it all again though! I am happy with where I am in my life

I think you sound like someone who was a great mum, loved children and found their purpose through children, that time will come again.

Re the husband, no, it could be financial, health, ill parents, job problems. Just ordinary life issues that few outside the home would know about. That's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the rose tinted rear view mirror descriptions of early childhood and motherhood. Not how I remember it ALL THE TIME, but mostly I will agree. I'm glad to have moved on to the next phase of my life though TBH.

@ErlingHaalandsManBun I had a similar thing the other week. Somebody posted on instagram that they'd had their baby and a few photos. I burst into tears. I have teenagers, and I'm in the midst of driving lessons, part time jobs, sports, and generally busy. I really enjoyed both my maternity leaves. I loved the slow pace, the time to really think about about what I was doing doing, whether it was as simple as exercise and food shopping, or other plans. I am a lot more tired (cynical and stressed) now. I ached to be the person I was back then. Hopeful and excited. I looked after myself a lot better!

But, I have to remind myself, that actually my teens are lovely, and fun, and make me cackle (also make my head explode as much as they did when they were toddlers) and DH and I have a lot more freedom. I do love being able to go away/out without having to worry about childcare!

Sometimes I miss the school years. My DC were easy and there was always somewhere fun to take them at the weekend. I think it’s a seasonal thing though as I enjoyed the Christmas days so much. I still do lovely things though.

Well I did, today. She was smiling and chatting to her little baby as she was taking him out of the car seat. She was then cuddling him and kissing him on the head as she was taking him into the house.

Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Envy is a pointless emotion, particularly when you have experienced the precise thing you are envious for

Gloom and doom merchant opines.

Well surely that goes without saying? No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. All I am saying is the impression that I get of them (and her) is that they are loving parenthood and that she seems to have taken to it like a duck to water. Obviously I could be completely wrong.

I don't assume I will have grandchildren. I never have done. In fact neither of my DD's seem that keen and that is fine. It is their life to do with as they please and if neither of them have children then so be it. I certainly won't moan or complain about it.

I don't think 'the majority' of new parents find the early years hard. I think lots do, and lots don't. People have different experiences. All I am doing is sharing what my experience was. If yours was not so great then that is your experience.

So there is no normal, just what individual people experience for themselves. What is normal for one person (calm and cuddles as you put it) might be the complete opposite for someone else.

I just don’t buy all this ‘everything was wonderful and easy’ thing. I know you’ve already pushed back at anyone who’s said the same, so I don’t know why I am posting really. We all cuddled and kissed our babies and loved lots about it, but there were days that were tedious, infuriating, there were worries and ups and downs. I’d bet my house that you had difficult and ugly feelings to deal with at times, unless you are a highly trained meditator or the like who is able to control their mind. I think you are feeling nostalgic and that is by nature an exaggerated state of mind.

But that said, it’s ok to miss those times and look back fondly, just don’t buy the inner voice that tells you it was all glowing and rainbows, its listening to that that’s making you see it in this unbalanced way and making you feel sad.

I have this OP.

id love to go back to mine being little

Pointless reply 🙄I never said I wanted to be her. I am more than happy with my life as it is now. But its not wrong of me to look back on my days as a mother of young children and feel nostalgia.

I read something that said if you asked most mothers who they would most like ti go back in time and spend time with it would be their children young, that really resonated with me.

I didn’t find the early years hard, I had really good sleepers which definitely helped and no stress such as money worries. I made lots of lovely friends and was a member of an amazing health club with a really good crèche. This meant I got time to myself and the feel good factor of regular exercise.

@ErlingHaalandsManBun I love this thread, and also it makes me sad at the same time.

I have children, and a baby, apart from the physical recovery - I have LOVED the newborn to pre-school phase. I get really sad at the thought of my children not being little, although I can't wait to see them grown too!

I'm sending you lots of love. I don't think it's wrong to sit in that nostalgia for a little second. Maybe give your grown DCs a phone call to see how they're getting on?

this is a great idea! Or can you offer to take the baby for her so she can do a run or whatever? My neighbours are so helpful in this way, they’re practically mine’s grandparents now!

Glad you had a great experience of early motherhood I hate it! Love the fact that he exists and love him to bits but much prefer being at work, wish someone else was the mum - I’d have you looking after mine in an instant!

I'm in that nice mat leave stage with a baby and I do love pootling around, going to baby groups etc. However I'm not going to tell my neighbours (who are all nice women on average in their 60s) that I feel fat/ my husband can annoy me/ I miss my friends sometimes. I know I will look back very fondly on these days but nothing is perfect when you're in it!

I never want my dd to grow up but on the other hand, I really do! Dying to have more going on in my life but can't get enough of the cuteness and interactions we have all day. That said, since she turned 2, she's stopped napping so I'm feeling increasingly more like I need this phase to end as she wants my full attention non-stop. I know I'll look back and wish she was still 2 but in the moment it can be so exhausting!

I’m 53 and have had to start again as guardian to 2 granddaughters. They’re 5 and 6 now, and have been with me since the younger one was born.

Im exhausted. Whilst I miss those moments from when my kids were young, I miss my freedom to live my own life now.

Op Im your age I def found it hard juggling creches and early mortgage years. Depends on family support too. Mine grown now so bit easier. If your baby easy that helps and your sleep not broken

I have loved all stages, there isn't one that I have not enjoyed. I have had so much pleasure watching them grow up into the beautiful independent young ladies they currently are.

The early years were wonderful but I think its actually harder when they get a little older and start pushing boundaries and wanting some independence. Wanting to walk to the park by themselves or get a bus into town to meet friends, on their own, is really hard. Letting go of the reigns was the thing I struggled with most. Then one day they leave home and its a whole different ballgame. Each stage of their lives I have embraced and loved and we have remained very close. The 3 of us are all going to the City to Christmas shop, do lunch and hit the market next week. I love how my life has changed.

But its hard sometimes not to look back and feel slightly envious of someone who is just starting out with it all.

I wish I could tell every parent to make the most of every stage of their little lives. Love the age they are at now because they will never be this young again and one day you will look back and wonder where the hell it all went! 😂

OP my experience of being a new mum was similar to yours and your neighbour. I just loved it and felt so happy. I got sick when baby was one and things changed drastically for me. They are still young now though and I'm better and again I am absolutely loving it.

I feel for you. I remember a woman I was friendly with said to me she'd love to do it all again and it struck a chord with me. Also my mum absolutely dotes on my DC. I know that us being young was very tough for her (thanks dad) and she never had the opportunity I had to really enjoy the time.

I guess you and I are lucky because so many people struggle through these years.

Same here! It was just gruelling, she might be glowing now but when you go back to work that’s when reality bites.