For feeling a little envious of my neighbour?

[ErlingHaalandsManBun]

Okay, so I guess I already know that I am, but I can't help how I feel.

So, I am 53, both DD's grown up and left home, no grandchildren yet. Its just me, DH and my dogs at home.

My lovely neighbour over the road got married last year, they are a lovely couple in their early 30's. This year they had their first baby. I went over to meet the baby when I saw her out walking with him in the pushchair several weeks after she had had him. She was glowing and gushing about how much she loved motherhood and how it had surprised her how well she had adapted to being a mum. I could totally resonate with her as I had felt the exact same way when I had my first.

She is still on maternity leave and I see her out and about, having a wonderful life with her baby. Going on walks, having her Mum pop round, attending mum and baby groups (we live in a small village so we see each other often out and about) She looks so so happy and it makes me feel warm inside for her.

She came back from being out at another mum and baby session this morning and our paths crossed as I was coming back from walking my dog. We spoke for a while. When I came back inside she was outside still getting her baby in from the car, glowing and smiling and I was watching her and smiling and then I suddenly felt all envious. Looking at her was like looking at myself all those years ago and I suddenly was engulfed with memories of my own children being babies, being toddlers, and those lovely cuddly fuzzy days of motherhood.

It seems like such a long time ago that I was in the throes of those days when my babies were small and family life was wonderful and part of me would give anything to go back and do it all again. Especially at this time of year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I have a great DH, two amazing DD's who I am close to who have lovely lives of their own and two beautiful dogs that I adore. I love my life, I really do. But I really, really sometimes miss being a mum to young ones.

Anyone else feel the same?

Not jealous, that is the wrong word. A little envious maybe that she is at the start of the journey of motherhood and has it all to come. As I enjoyed that stage of my life so much its only natural to look at others going through the same thing and feel nostalgia.

And yes, I do have a lovely life now also that I wouldn't change for anything.

My family and friends would tell me all the other things they think I am good at but for me the mum thing is what stands out for me.

Absolutely. It was like I suddenly realised what I was for. There are a lot of things I can do, but nothing that fit me as perfectly as being a mum to these three.

For the first time since adolescence, I thought my body was wonderful! It had made these perfect, incredible tiny people. I wasn't clumsy or fat or anything negative; I had just made the best human beings to ever take a breath, and I was feeding them with milk I made. It was great.
(I had absolutely no sense of perspective or irony, I honestly found my kids endlessly fascinating. PFB syndrome to the max)

My neighbour has a 2.5yo and a baby. I love visiting them and letting the preschooler play in my garden. I love my other 6 and 9 year old neighbours too - just picked up Lego sets for them for Christmas. But nothing on earth is like the joy I had raising my kids.

P.S. - it's not just nostalgia. I kept a diary, and it's full of how happy I was, despite the challenges.

I have a 4 year old who woke hourly for months and then every 2 hours for months and only started to sleep through recently! And also have a 4 month old who’s a slightly better sleeper but.. I completely agree with you! I love being a mum and am soaking it all in. I wish I could bottle up this feeling so I can experience it again in the future as this will be our last baby due to my age.

Exactly!

Motherhood is wild, exhausting, crazy, scary all tons of other things. But it is, more than anything, for me, the best thing in the World and the best thing I have ever done and I enjoyed it all. Even the puke, the crap, the sleepless nights and the lack of free time. I love it all despite those negative things.

Your post resonates. I am 55 and still have young teens at home. Looking back .. i loved those early years but I wouldn't go back.

Ah, it's so nice the young couple are bringing back happy feelings. It sounds more like nostalgia and feeling wistful for those days. Nothing wrong with that. I found the early years quite mixed (dd1 is autistic and was a handful) but I absolutely loved becoming a mother.

DD are only 11 and 13 but I do feel wistful when I see mums on maternity leave! It does make me feel very grateful because I was unsure until my mid thirties about having children and can't believe I may have missed it all.

I am enjoying this stage of life, too, with them getting more independent and I can see the young women they're turning into. I'm sure at one stage I will look back to this stage, too. Also, my parents are still alive (but struggling), so when i am juggling the generations and feeling exhausted, I try to remember it won't always be this way.

Maybe, rather than being envious, be grateful envious that you have children and a husband and will probably become a grandparent sooner or later. Some people get none of these things, much as they would have loved to have them.

@Xmasbaby11 I was also ambivalent about having kids for a long time, and then when I did it was like my goodness, here is this entire other aspect to being alive that I had no idea about! I'm still thankful that I have experienced it.

I wish I could go back and enjoy it. I worried too much, what others thought, about money, about illnesses etc etc. I wasted time worrying when I could have enjoyed it.

Ignore those replies, op. You know exactly how you felt. Madness people telling you otherwise. I feel the same. I actually lost my beautiful twin boys 2 years ago in November. My first boy was stillborn and my second twin lived for 3 days in the NICU. I've since had my daughter. Every day is pure joy, I've never been happier. And on dark days, she lights up everything. Roll on the madness I say 🤣🤣

This.
Early parenting for me was lonely and hard.
Even friends and family who had lots of support admit that the early years were incredibly hard, despite loving and wanting their babies very much.

I am so sorry to hear about your boys. So tragic. I actually lost my first born boy, he died an hour after he was born. Its absolutely devastating to lose a child. When I had my first daughter I treasured every single second with her and never felt happier. I get that. 😊

Pure love, yes, even on days when she wouldn't sleep much! I think losing my boy maybe just made me feel so much more grateful to have my beautiful bundle of cuteness and I adored her (and still do) I went on to have a second daughter and I love the bones off them both. 😍

Okay, thanks for that 🙄I am grateful. I nearly died giving birth to my first child. My son died an hour after he was born so I almost didn't get these things myself.

I get you OP.
I had four close together and the first 10 years were pretty full on but pretty wonderful too. I'm too old and knackered now to want to go through it all again but I definitely have pangs of nostalgia for that time in my life - and for myself as a young, capable parent. In lots of ways life was so much simpler when they were tiny. Helping adult children navigate a pretty messed up world feels far more challenging.

Cross post - so sorry for your loss, OP.

Your little boy is looking down with pride at you. I completely understand, we've walked a similar path sadly. You also don't have to be grateful for the kids you had by the way, as a bereaved mother too, its such a rotten thing to be told and its actually listed on the dont say this list....posters need to cop on saying this , you never know someones history

You've come a long way since and I hope I'm as resilient in the years to come. You never forget what you lost but treasure every moment you had even though it was so short ❤️

I found the early years tough, but I would pay good money to go back in time for a day, and to spend time with my DDs as babies. As they've grown, I've found each stage easier, and have enjoyed motherhood much more than I did in the beginning.

I think it would have been wonderful for 29 year old me (frazzled, 2 under 2, DH working FT as a teacher and doing a Masters degree) and me now, at 45, to swap places for a day. I would be able to bring my hard-won patience and calm to our hectic household of yesteryear, and younger me would see how worth it everything will be, when she sees what incredible young women our DDs have become.

Like you @ErlingHaalandsManBun, being a Mum is one thing I can confidently say I am really good at. I'd also love to foster children once ours have left for good (my family fostered when I was a child), but DH isn't keen. He's no longer teaching, but years of dealing with kids at school has put him off any apart from ours!

The grandchildren assumption thing is so gross

I get you Op. My youngest and only biological DD is 16 now. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows but I would give almost anything to go back and spend a week with DD and the big kids when they were little. I love my life now, but the nostalgia is just so profound for those days. Not to mention being young and not disabled!

I also am in no rush to become a grandma. Ds is 20 and hasn't even left home yet. I am 62 and just crave peace and quiet.

I enjoyed it all. Even the puke, the crap, the sleepless nights and the lack of free time

oh please.

Do you mind?

There are some of us who are actually trying to cope / get through these things at the moment.
Having someone fondly reminisce decades later about how they "enjoyed the puke" is more than a little provocative to say the least.

Having said that, of course YANBU to feel sad in lots of ways that your kids are no longer small and that phase of life is over. Of course there are wonderful bits too. but just be realistic that the rose tinted glasses are on in force!

Just read this. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

I get it. My kids are now in their 20s and after retirement my life is totally transformed. From a manic, demanding job with a hectic work/life balance that I never got fully right and never had enough hours in the day for me, to as much time as I can handle. Just for me!

It's a lovely life - restful, all the free time I want to do hobbies, walk, cook or just sit in peace and quiet (after many years of a wonderful noisy and chaotic house).

I'm embracing this stage and genuinely happy and content but there are times when I am astonished at how fast things go - 20 years ago we moved into this house with 2 young kids. In another 20 I'll be in my 80s and an old lady - madness! It seems totally unbelievable really.

This year is the first I'll be putting up the Christmas tree without DD in the house. She put Her very first tree up this week in her flat and was so excited. It's tiny and they have a handful of decorations - they have the joy and excitement of building their tree ornament collection over the coming years. Mine is already stocked with treasured memories from people and Christmases past. She has it all to look forward to and it's so exciting to see her blossom. But there is a whiff of (sentimental!) melancholy in the air too.

I'm fit (ish), young for my age, have a wonderful funny, kind DH and a stand-alone life that's full but there is a wistful edge to it all. I try and channel that wistfulness into a smile and think of it as a love for my children and a recognition of all the effort, love and sheer hard work that has got me this far. It's been quite a ride (so far, with lots more to come). Yet it feels as though my 'heyday' is behind me. Don't get me wrong - if I'm lucky I have years of adventures, travel, possible grandkids, parties, fabulous outfits, drunken nights and lashings of excellent sex to look forward to but there is an edge. I keep telling the edge to fuck off but it's there in my peripheral vision.

Would I like to do it all again knowing what. I do now? Hell yes. Am I enjoying the ride? Hell yes. Have I got used to the relative peace and quiet? No, not yet.

And hearing my lovely neighbours wrangling their wonderful loud and lovely kids into shape at 8 am on a Saturday when I'm still in bed with a coffee, would I really want to trade? Mmmmmmm maybe not!!

I'm sorry that you seem to find it so difficult that I didn't care about the puke and the crap but I didn't. Believe what you will. I didn't give a toss. I lost my first baby and so I just always felt grateful for all of what motherhood threw at me. Shite and all.

I don't need to keep defending myself or explain further. We are different people with different experiences of this.

Such a shame you can't do childcare where you are!