For feeling a little envious of my neighbour?

[ErlingHaalandsManBun]

Okay, so I guess I already know that I am, but I can't help how I feel.

So, I am 53, both DD's grown up and left home, no grandchildren yet. Its just me, DH and my dogs at home.

My lovely neighbour over the road got married last year, they are a lovely couple in their early 30's. This year they had their first baby. I went over to meet the baby when I saw her out walking with him in the pushchair several weeks after she had had him. She was glowing and gushing about how much she loved motherhood and how it had surprised her how well she had adapted to being a mum. I could totally resonate with her as I had felt the exact same way when I had my first.

She is still on maternity leave and I see her out and about, having a wonderful life with her baby. Going on walks, having her Mum pop round, attending mum and baby groups (we live in a small village so we see each other often out and about) She looks so so happy and it makes me feel warm inside for her.

She came back from being out at another mum and baby session this morning and our paths crossed as I was coming back from walking my dog. We spoke for a while. When I came back inside she was outside still getting her baby in from the car, glowing and smiling and I was watching her and smiling and then I suddenly felt all envious. Looking at her was like looking at myself all those years ago and I suddenly was engulfed with memories of my own children being babies, being toddlers, and those lovely cuddly fuzzy days of motherhood.

It seems like such a long time ago that I was in the throes of those days when my babies were small and family life was wonderful and part of me would give anything to go back and do it all again. Especially at this time of year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I have a great DH, two amazing DD's who I am close to who have lovely lives of their own and two beautiful dogs that I adore. I love my life, I really do. But I really, really sometimes miss being a mum to young ones.

Anyone else feel the same?

Who has assumed I would have grandchildren? Not me. I have stated many times on this post that I don't expect grandchildren and my DD's both know that I am happy if they have children themselves, and happy if they don't. Its their life to live. I would, and never have, assumed I would one day have them.

I feel the same as you, the puke and the poo didn't bother me. They're my kids 🤷‍♀️

I think you should have mentioned your first baby in your OP. You probably then wouldn't have got the less sympathetic responses you object to.

With me I think its an age thing, I loved my daughter as a baby but I didnt enjoy her a great deal iyswim?, life was tough for me back then and everything was a bit of a struggle. As an adult she is my absolute delight and joy, she is a wonderful woman, a wonderful mum and we adore our son-in-law and our grandson.

Now, I find I rather like babies and young children in a way that I never did before, I find them sweet, lovely, funny and kissable, I'm assuming its because I'm not getting up in the night with them or responsible for their upbringing and there is no chance in hell of me ever being pregnant again 😂

Maybe but I am not one for sob stories and didn't think my past was relevant to how much I adored being a Mum. I took it all in my stride. I am not saying it was easy all the time, it obviously wasn't. I had my share of days where I was exhausted and it was mental. But it is still some of the happiest days of my life. I just don't get why people can't seem to accept that. That is all.

I'm sorry that you seem to find it so difficult

I see...

"Not caring" about the puke and crap is one thing (- skeptical that this is the whole truth , but ok ). Enjoying it though? Come on now.

Let's be real. Being a mum to small kids is tough. Wonderful in so many ways; desperately hard in others.

I am truly sorry for the loss of your baby. I don't think I can really imagine a worse thing that could happen to a woman. 💔 I'm so glad to hear that you went on to have two lovely daughters and a wonderful experience of being a mum.

X

Oh not you I meant pp and failed to quote

"Can't wait for the grandbabies to roll in!"

Yuck

You sound lovely OP!

I have a toddler DD and I adore her so much. This is my favourite time of life so far and I’ll feel like you when she’s grown up and left!

I don’t think the hypothesis of this lady actually being unhappy behind closed doors will help OP. Not everyone needs to think that in order to be happy with what they have. OP sounds happy with what she has but misses times that were truly special to her - I don’t think she is comparing herself to this new mum.

OP - I was one of four and we all went off and did our own things. Now I am 46 and my mum is incredibly special to me, I look forward to seeing her and make sure I prioritise her. This is because I love her and as I got older I started to have a friendship with her as well as seeing her as my mum. You have all the time here to be a devoted grandparent if your kids have children and also to life cycle around to another incredibly special time with your children. Enjoy the memories and let yourself feel nostalgic and sad. And also work on developing the new adult parent child relationship.

Maybe these are quite normal feelings of loss? Other posters have wondered how your neighbour is really doing. Could it be that you are idealising her situation as a way of getting in touch with your own feelings about that particular mother-baby time being past - seeing them you can recognise your sadness?

Sending you strength, you are amazing.

Dgd2 was born on Saturday, and I loved having cuddles with her. I did feel.a pang of nostalgia about when dd2 (her mother) was that age but dd3 is 17 and I never want to interact with a school again. I'm so happy that after 30 years this year I will attend my last parents evening. It's okay to feel a bit envious.

What's there to be envious of? You have been fortunate to have been there yourself and now are at a different stage. Many are nothing like so fortunate. Enjoy life as it comes..

If you have time and space in your heart for little ones, maybe consider fostering?

I feel the same exact opposite to you. I had a great time bringing my children up, together with my lovely DH but I still had a 17 year old when we became grandparents I’m now nearly seventy and still looking after two of my youngest DGC.
It might not be long before you’re a grandparent so make the most of your time together now.
You could always mention to your neighbour you wouldn’t mind babysitting now and again she might take you up on it and you could be friends.Just might be enough to put you off 🤣

I get nostalgic whenever I pass a fairground!

I'd love someone to set up an agency where you can rent out a child for the day and take them to all those places and buy them treats!!

But obviously you forget all the inconveniences- and I must admit holidays where we can just please ourselves are wonderful.

I think lots of people would like to be 20 years younger. I know this is a bit trite but I expect when you’re in your 70s, you’ll look back on how easy it was in your 50s. Enjoy this moment too

I waited a LONG time to be a mum and went through lots of losses.

When my miracle came, I went into the hospital in Normal Times and came out into Covid. It was genuinely like the apocalypse had started and for someone with my history of baby loss actually having one in the apocalypse sent me a bit loopy. I'm now infertile so there won't be another opportunity.

Even now I have mega envy of those who have had "normal" maternity leaves where people can go to coffee shops and have family members meet their babies without thinking the world is ending.

So yeah I think it's okay to be a bit envious.

I also think there should be an agency for this 😂.

CRB- and background-checked volunteers can "rent out" small children for a morning/afternoon and take them to the zoo or park or similar places while their exhausted parents have a break. And then return them, with a newfound pleasure in their freedom from responsibility for little people!

Sadly, child protection means it will never happen, but given many people who might have liked it won't end up become grandparents, it could be a wonderful thing all-round.

I mean you can provide respite foster care and do basically this, get to look after children temporarily, take them to do fun stuff and then hand them back over

I thought you were going to say you were single or hand fertility issues.

Still, I do know what you mean. For me, I didn’t get to enjoy that phase at all due to personal circumstances, so feel similar.

But important to remember that you’ve already experienced what she has, so no point being envious.

You were once the mum who smiled like that at her baby. One day her children will grow up too and the baby phase will be over.

My two are 9 and 6. I remember being so envious of people who came to visit my first and could say, good bye, go home and sleep. She had reflux and I had the worst post natal anxiety. She was in pain and I was an anxious mess . I wanted to hand her over to someone and get her back when she was over the reflux stage. Same thing happened with my son. I loved them obviously but it was dark days. Now they are so much easier. I enjoy looking back at photos and videos and have the odd pang of nostalgia and then I remember how hard it was.

Oh! This was such a lovely, touching reply. It made me all teary-eyed.

OP, i get the wistful nostalgia. I feel it even now,aged 44, with my youngest being 5. I had her unexpectedly and she is a wonderful addition to our family, but being a mum of three and perimenopausal is bloody hard work.

I feel similarly that being a mum is my best strength, I love it so much. I feel very maternal and I was broody about 4 years before I had my eldest, who's now a fantastic, extremely intelligent, interesting 14 year old. I feel immensely proud of my wonderful DC, and in all honesty, they are my greatest pleasure and achievement.

My third post natal period was horrendous though, and I had awful post natal depression, on a par with my perimenopause symptoms now. I felt awful and suicidal and struggled hugely with a newborn and two older children.

I think I will always love sweet, cuddly babies but not the impact on my life or body. Being a mum is amazing but I don't yearn for any more - it's probably best for me not to have any as I would have no health left at all! 😐😨😂

Just to offer something at the other end of the spectrum. As I posted previously, I found things tough when mine were young, and spent a long time wishing away the hours. I’d dream about what my life would be like when they were successfully grown and I had some space.

My 22 year old son wrote in my Mothers Day card this year “I’ll always be grateful for how well you brought me up”. This did all sorts of things to me, but mostly gave me a sense of calm - because for me, motherhood is a crushing lifelong responsibility, the weight of which we all carry permanently. The smaller they were, the more keenly I felt it and now they are grown I feel some respite.

Your life is the one I feel envious of, in 20 years time I hope to be where you are, sounds like heaven!

We had our DC when I was fairly young, a lot of our friends are only just starting to have their first children now and honestly I just think "nope, not for me thank you!" But my view is clouded by having PND with my second, where the first 3.5 years of her life were hell for me.

You sound like a lovely neighbour and mum by the way 😊