Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

If my DH makes any comments like that I call him out on his internalised misogynistic language. The other day he mentioned a relative on Facebook who is two years younger than him and all her old women friends. I reminded him he doesn’t call his friends old men and helpfully pointed out the last photo of them all together looked like a photoshoot for Last of the Summer Wine.

I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me!

Ask a stupid question...!

Would you rather he said, 'Amber, she's gorgeous'.

That would have lived rent-free in your head, would it??

Op why is it usual for you to ask these sort of questions as you put it a typical conversation? Sounds like you're constantly asking him who else hes attracted to but not sure if you know hes a married man? And no im not implying he has to be dead behind the eyes but i mean it's not something you constantly ask.
Also his thoughts process of women in their 40s as being old is gross and a red flag.

You’re asking a shallow question. You’re not asking real life questions like who he loves who he gets on with or even who he wants to date and spend time with.

You basically asked who he might want to objectify and leer at - naturally the answer to that will be someone younger.

Stop asking daft questions. He's married to you and that has nothing to do with whether he fancies your mates or Kelly Brook or whatever. And where do you draw the line with the age thing - would you expect him to find a 70yo woman hot just because you'll be 70 one day? I find older guys attractive but most of my female friends in their 40s/50s still much prefer younger guys and wouldn't be looking around at guys their age as attractive in the way that you're meaning it. Who we love (and therefore are attracted to) is often not the same as who we idly look around at and find hot. Otherwise there'd be no difference between movie stars/models and the folk down the supermarket.

And if his answer to your first "jokey" question had been the name of a friend you compare yourself adversely to already, or a friend who is newly single, or a friend who is often in your house and therefore might be on her own, chatting with your husband, while you nip out of the room for a few minutes - what would the tone of this post be? I doubt very much that you'd be thinking "Oh that's ok because she's the same age as me".
If I was him and this is genuinely what passes for conversation between you, I would be starting to avoid you and your tedious lecturing.

You really shouldn't start these sort of conversations. Men are programmed to find fertile women i.e. young, the most attractive. I'm talking "see at a glance attractive". I'm sure my husband thought I was more surface level attractive when I was young (same for me about him) but the deeper longstanding love we have for each other is a complete other level.

He's said it in a really blunt way and he sounds a bit crass but you did ask!

I'm wondering if he's a superficial type of person though because many people (me included) still think Kelly Brook is extremely pretty, albeit she was peak-pretty in her youth. My son (then aged 18) remarked during the Coronation how attractive he thought Sophie Duchess of Edinburgh is. She must be about 60? He's not a cougar-fan though, his GF is the same age but I was secretly pleased he can appreciate a nice bone structure and not just external youthful glow!

I used to ask questions like that of my teenage boyfriend - I never liked the answers.

I think it's a really bad sign that you would ask him which of your friends he finds attractive - I'd be so disturbed if my husband asked me that.

You wouldn't have liked whatever he said - do you constantly niggle at him normally?

By the way, it's absolutely normal for all of us to find strangers less attractie as we age surely?

Objectively - younger people look more universally appealling! As we get older I think we tend to find people attractive more based on individual chemistry.

I think you're being over sensitive.

When I look now at the pop stars I used to have a crush on as a teen, I do think they look old! And mostly not very attractive! These were men who were maybe 5-10 years older than me, so not a huge gap. I'm no oil painting myself so I'm sure they wouldn't look twice at me either 😂But the fact is I don't fancy them now and I do see them as "old men".

Kelly Brook is older! It's a fact. She doesn't look like she did 20 years ago and your DH is not married to her so of course he's going by looks alone.

We all get older but a marriage is about much more than looks. You seem more hung up on that than your husband is.

I’d say well your husband thinks I am 😂😂 tbf she’d deserve it to. Sexiness isn’t always physical. You come across in this comment as level headed, perceptive, self deprecating in a witty way. That is definitely sexier than having a great ass

Just ask him if he still fancies you. That’s what you’re worrying about, not what he thinks of Kelly or your friends. How’s your sex life? How’s your marriage in general? You sound quite insecure.

The way you seem proud to have told him off for answering wrongly suggest things aren’t great, no one likes being hectored or lectured.

You can decide he’s a gross sexist bastard and keep telling him so pushing him away from you or you can step back and look at your marriage and how you treat each other and see if things could be better. You could live 50+ years, do you want to spend them arguing and creating situations where you set him up and get to feel righteously hurt? Or do you want to be happy?

What I find slightly bemusing is that as a 43 year old woman myself I can’t really say I find 25 year old men attractive in the same way any more….yes, I can appreciate if they’re good looking, but I’m much more likely to think “mmmm!” about someone more my age. And I still have a massive crush on one of my old uni lecturers who must be approaching his mid-50s by now (I occasionally look him up on Twitter 🤭)

I would be more concerned about he will handle his aging

Red flags galore. This dude will cheat on your with a younger woman.

Honestly, at this point, men just aren't lonely enough.

I think this is probably the most sensible post I have read all week

Don't ask questions, that you're not going to like the answer too!! At least he was honest and didn't lie! I'm 51, and I'm more likely to find a younger man attractive than someone my own age or older. That's not me being nasty or man-hating, it's human nature! Jason Statham is gorgeous, and only a few years older than me - there are exceptions here! You put your husband in a situation where he was damned if he did, and damned if he didn't. Most women spend their younger years, liking older men, but as we age, that tends to change. My husband is 52 and thinks Kelly Brook is gorgeous!

I will take him old or young.

If this was the type of convo my partner wanted to have, I would be thinking “kill me now”

Why do you keep asking your husband questions about who he fancies?!?!

That's so bizarre.

This.

Taking to focus of him for a moment: What’s happening for you here …are you feeling insecure with aging? In your relationship? Your appearance?

Setting traps for him to fall into isn’t going to make you feel any better (yes you did set traps). You wanted him to say you are the most attractive of your friends, no? Sounds like he isn’t picking up on that and he fails each test. He is answering your question not your feelings. Instead you could consider being clear with him that you have insecurities and how he can support you, this will require you to be honest with yourself. Or you could consider how to boost your self confidence yourself, without bringing him down.

Actions speak louder than words. He is with you, not chasing younger women. Hopefully he values the couple you are and the life you have built more than the age v young attractiveness thing.

He is probably fair to say don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to. I feel a bit sorry for him here, maybe he deserves an apology too.

I think asking your partner these questions shows a deep insecurity about aging.
But aren't all males briefed on how to answer the 'which friend do you fancy most' question from the age of 14. Aren't they told however much you are pushed or however much 'it doesn't matter it's only hypothetical' or 'it's only a joke' you never ever give a name. I thought that was standard teenage boy learning.

I'm a similar age and don't really fancy people in the same way I did 20 years ago. I wouldn't really know how to respond to your questions, so may have given a similar reply. Unless he's bragging that he thinks he still looks 25 and is super hot, I'm not sure what the issue is.

I mean, those were stupid questions to ask. You sound immature.