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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s attitude towards aging

416 replies

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

OP posts:
Chiseltip · 03/12/2025 07:58

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

You're being mean and cruel, and setting him up. You are asking questions that you know he is uncomfortable with. And then deciding to feel offended when answers.

Why would you be so mean and disrespectful to your DH?

EdithBond · 03/12/2025 07:58

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:51

Plus, he’s probably considered pure sexual attraction, rather than a broader view of attractiveness, e.g. personality.

If someone asked me what celebrities I find attractive of course that question is only going to take into account pure superficial appearance, not personality. He doesn't know Kelly Brook so why would he take her personality into account, if asked that question?

Because he hears her talk? She was a tv presenter as well as a model.

IMHO her personality is actually is a big part of what makes her attractive: bubbly, fun, down-to-earth. If she was a conceited, spiteful, morose person, who barely cracked a smile, surely she wouldn’t be half as attractive?

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 03/12/2025 07:59

If im completely honest when i see people that i know who ive not seen for a while it often shocks me how they seem to have aged suddenly. I often forget they are the same age as me but im sharply reminded when i look in the mirror 🙄

Reification · 03/12/2025 08:00

Although the eww thing was unpleasant and unnecessary, I completely and utterly agree with the people saying that it's better not to go there. Honestly you've told your husband off for admitting he doesn't fancy your friends - that is incredibly strange! The whole set-up of asking those questions is really a lose- lose situation.

On the subject of age - I'm a decade older than you and I can't think of a man I'd be attracted to the same way I used to feel crazy chemistry with men my age when I was in my early 20s say.

Nowadays I don't feel attracted to a man if I didn't actually know him well as a person - ordinary men in their 50s just aren't attractive unless you know them and are attracted to them as people. That doesn't mean I'm attracted to young men - that's icky in a different way and I find age gap relationships a bit stomach turning because there's always disturbing power asymmetry - but I don't "fancy" my husband's friends or TV personalities. I'm hardly surprised that works both ways.

echt · 03/12/2025 08:00

Serves you right for asking, OP.

As an attitude adjuster, if you dropped off the hooks, your DH, if not a positive Gorgon (even then) would not be short of women showing interest.

MySweetGeorgina · 03/12/2025 08:02

Your conversation skills need an update OP 😁

has he said he no longer finds you attractive?

gannett · 03/12/2025 08:02

EdithBond · 03/12/2025 07:58

Because he hears her talk? She was a tv presenter as well as a model.

IMHO her personality is actually is a big part of what makes her attractive: bubbly, fun, down-to-earth. If she was a conceited, spiteful, morose person, who barely cracked a smile, surely she wouldn’t be half as attractive?

Show quote history

Seeing someone talk on TV doesn't mean you know their personality at all. Thinking you know someone because you've watched them on telly is how weird parasocial relationships start.

Chiseltip · 03/12/2025 08:03

MrsPrendergast · 03/12/2025 06:29

I agree with this. I do think (most/many) older men (over 45) prefer young/er women (16 to 28) and most wouldn't admit it

I also think many men have an overinflated opinion of themselves, no matter what the mirror and scales tell them

Show quote history

Very toxic response, to an even more toxic post.

Topseyt123 · 03/12/2025 08:03

Silly (and loaded) questions got the answers they deserved.

Stop asking such questions. It puts you both in sticky situations and can never end well.

rwalker · 03/12/2025 08:05

It’s completely hypocritical tbh i think your setting him up for a fall

no doubt he would be in trouble however he answered

NoisyViewer · 03/12/2025 08:05

If my husband says comments like this I usually retort ok Brad Pitt. I actually don’t think anything more about it. In fact I might be a little guilty of this myself. Not in a bad way, watching stranger things with my kids the other night & seeing Sarah Connor (terminater) & double taking at how much she’s aged. Again nothing against that before I’m attacked, she’s still beautiful. It’s just a visual shock & a reminder that I to am getting older

InlandTaipan · 03/12/2025 08:07

YAB totally U. If my dh had asked me the same question about his friends (which is honestly weird as fuck anyway) I'd have given the same response- they're old me. Obviously dh is too but I love him so I do t "see" the change in the same way.

Can't believe he apologised to you tbh, you should apologise to him.

MySweetGeorgina · 03/12/2025 08:08

Also you set out to trap him with that question about your friends

i mean, what could have been an acceptable answer?

”none attract me they are too old for me” (yuck who dies he think he is, Leonardo di Caprio?!)

”they are all equally attractive, I fancy them all” (yuck, what the heck)

”I really fancy Cathy, she has the sexiest figure” (divorce!)

the only correct answer was fir him to lie and say “you are the most beautiful woman in the world and I have never seen an attractive woman anywhere ever since I met you”

my best friend once asked her husband this question, and he said he found me attractive. He only said that as he thought it would be the least upsetting answer to her, as I am ordinary looking and no flirt, and no danger…. He was wrong! 25 years on she still is not over this entirely and when she gets drunk she says she just does not get it as I’m not even sexy 😁😁😁

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/12/2025 08:08

Lets be honest here, he couldn’t get it right whatever way he answered could he? Toxic question to begin with.

EdithBond · 03/12/2025 08:08

gannett · 03/12/2025 08:02

Seeing someone talk on TV doesn't mean you know their personality at all. Thinking you know someone because you've watched them on telly is how weird parasocial relationships start.

Show quote history

You’ve misunderstood me. It’s not that deep. Of course he doesn’t know her.

Dgll · 03/12/2025 08:09

It is biology. Doesn't matter how much you call them out on it, most men are are attracted to women who are at their most fertile.

ThisLittlePony · 03/12/2025 08:10

Alexadidzammomarryjackie · 03/12/2025 05:44

Given the fact you are using every time he opens his mouth as a lecture learning opportunity, maybe he's now over egging it just to piss you off.

ETA - i am in my 50s. I would far rather a night of cocktails and dancing sex with young Antonio Banderas than old Antonio Banderas. That's not me hating men, or old people, or pretending I'm young.

Edited

Ooo yes! Antonio doing the dance with Madonna in Evita! 😍i

GrandHighVitch · 03/12/2025 08:11

Agree with most other posters…you asked stupid questions and then got answers you didn’t like. There was no response he could give you that would sound good so he was set up to fail.

As far as the Kelly Brook situation…Kelly Brook in the 90s when she was lusted after is very different from the Kelly Brook these days. He has memories of the young Kelly Brook, what she looked liked and how he fancied her back then, when he also was a young man in his teens or 20s. I wouldn’t read anything into other than he and her have both changed over time and just because he fancied someone when he was 20 years old doesn’t mean he has to continue fancying her forever more. I used to fancy famous men when I was a teenager who I wouldn’t look twice at now. They haven’t aged well or their faces have changed in a way I don’t like. It doesn’t mean I only fancy young men, it simply means my tastes have changed as I’ve got older and what I found attractive at 20 yo is different to what I’m attracted to now as a 45 yo.

speakout · 03/12/2025 08:12

Stop baiting your husband.
Whatever his answer he will be in the wrong.

DisappearingGirl · 03/12/2025 08:13

I think people, especially men, tend to fancy younger people in the abstract.

That doesn't mean they don't also love and fancy their same-age partner who they are actually in a relationship with.

sxcizme3010 · 03/12/2025 08:13

Are you ok hun? 😬

dointhebestwecan · 03/12/2025 08:13

The bar is so low. He’s misogynistic. It’s a great taboo. The reality is that if women divorced their awful husbands, many men won’t date someone their wife’s age, they’ll go younger. So deep down that’s what they really think of their age appropriate partners. It reminds me of the quote from my ex - “middle-aged women and their downturned mouths.” He’s now married to a rich (that’s what he was after) younger but middle-aged woman - who probably feels a bit stressed inside - it’s a horrible feeling.

Breakitinto3 · 03/12/2025 08:15

Alexadidzammomarryjackie · 03/12/2025 05:44

Given the fact you are using every time he opens his mouth as a lecture learning opportunity, maybe he's now over egging it just to piss you off.

ETA - i am in my 50s. I would far rather a night of cocktails and dancing sex with young Antonio Banderas than old Antonio Banderas. That's not me hating men, or old people, or pretending I'm young.

Edited

Cracked it!

Golden407 · 03/12/2025 08:16

MrsPrendergast · 03/12/2025 06:29

I agree with this. I do think (most/many) older men (over 45) prefer young/er women (16 to 28) and most wouldn't admit it

I also think many men have an overinflated opinion of themselves, no matter what the mirror and scales tell them

Show quote history

we’re programmed to find attractive what is most conducive to reproduction. Women are most fertile in their teens and twenties and female fertility tends to drop off a cliff sometime in their forties hence men find girls/women in their teens and twenties the most physically attractive.
Women tend to find status and wealth most attractive as it means the man can better provide for offspring. This status and wealth is usually attained by older men, their fertility also didn’t fall off a cliff the way a woman’s does so women find these men attractive.

Breakitinto3 · 03/12/2025 08:17

dointhebestwecan · 03/12/2025 08:13

The bar is so low. He’s misogynistic. It’s a great taboo. The reality is that if women divorced their awful husbands, many men won’t date someone their wife’s age, they’ll go younger. So deep down that’s what they really think of their age appropriate partners. It reminds me of the quote from my ex - “middle-aged women and their downturned mouths.” He’s now married to a rich (that’s what he was after) younger but middle-aged woman - who probably feels a bit stressed inside - it’s a horrible feeling.

Isn't op also misogynistic asking her DH to rate which woman is more attractive?