Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

I agree with this too, OP. You're trying to sell yourself as "all innocent" but imo that's bullshit

I wouldn’t in a million years ask my DH which of my friends he finds most attractive. I think that’s really inappropriate and you’re setting him up a bit there.

Saying that, my DH and I are similar ages to you both, and he always tells me that I am more and more beautiful each day. Now objectively I’m not. However, it’s his attitude towards me, our relationship, our family and our shared history that influences his love and attraction for me, not what I look like. As per the graph above, most men will always find women in their early twenties to be the most attractive which I find pretty disgusting. I’d be really disappointed in my DH if he had this attitude towards ageing women.

I’d find it really hard if I were you not to point out every single sign of ageing on my DH’s body and face if he shared this attitude with me.

I’m intrigued as to what would’ve been the right answer to the question about your friends.

You have no one else to blame but yourself op. Ask stupid questions get stupid answers.

I do agree to a certain extent, but then why didn’t he say that? It sounds like the DH’s answer to admittedly a stupid question was really rude. He could have been a bit more mature and insightful, and pointed out that the question was inappropriate and that superficial external appearances aren’t the most important thing in a marriage. That would’ve been nice. Agree OP shouldn’t have asked.

Yes as I said he was tactless and oafish about his answer, I'm not giving him a free pass at all.

But they're not nice questions to be asked because it feels like a test. What answer could he realistically have given that wouldn't have pissed off OP? Are we to believe if he'd told her which of her friends he fancies she wouldn't now also be overthinking that instead?

You’re the one asking him to rate or comment about women based on physical appearance and then getting all uppity when he does. Let’s also not pretend these weren’t loaded questions because based on your strong feelings about his response they absolutely were!

Does your DH compliment you? Tell you that he thinks you're gorgeous? Tell you how much he loves and appreciates you? If not, I can see why those comments would upset you.

I have no ides which celebs DH fancies. I don't ask! And I certainly don't ask if he fancies my friends 😬 But I know he loves me and fancies me (I'm 48, he's 46).

If he said ewwwww about any woman's appearance though, I'd be a bit disappointed in him!

Why tho? He said this about other people, not you. I highly doubt if you asked him if he finds you attractive he wouldn’t say ewww

I’d be pretty weirded out if my DH asked me which of his friends was most attractive - apart from the general ickiness of the question itself, there’s no good answer to the question.

You appear to be repeatedly setting fire to your relationship.

Dumb questions that were never going to yield a happy outcome

To be fair to him Kelly is just looking rough as old boots- she is no pin up now

women tend to find equivalent aged men attractive. Men when asked who is attractive always fancy 25 yr olds, no matter their age

You’re both as idiotic as each other. No answer he could have given you was going to be positive was it?

This is my opinion as a 47 woman yo who’s been on MN for donkeys years and been around the block a bit:

Men are gross - but it is partly to do with nature. Males will carry on shagging/procreating until their dick is about to fall off with old age (look at all the famous men having babies with younger women when they’re well into their 60’s etc) Charlie Chaplin sired a child at 73 (I know he’s always held forth as an example and possibly his wife was shagging a hot young stud but he’s just an example - several members of the Rolling Stones are others) I also know several men in real life in their 50’s who are onto their 2nd families with younger women. You also read about this phenomenon on here every day. I don’t know any women doing this, the women I know who are divorced are just happy to be shot of their useless husbands and are very wary of getting involved with another man, never mind having more kids. Women are generally done with all that by their 40’s, eggs are depleting and they want to concentrate on other things.

A generalisation maybe but a true one.

I can admire a handsome younger man but I’m never sexually attracted to men much younger than me, whereas men will quite happily shag women young enough to be their daughter. I think a lot of men are also quite delusional about their own aging looks. My dh is of the mindset that men age better but I have been informed on more than one occasion that he looks like my dad. I actually think women take much better care of their appearance in general. Men are often quite egotistical and delusional 😂

If you don't want to know the answer then don't ask the question.

I’d lightheartedly call attention to his grim ‘programming’ by commenting on ridiculous men who chase younger women, pervy old men drooling over teenagers, sad old men who search terms like ‘barely legal’. Take every opportunity to scorn them.
Hopefully he’ll interrogate his own attitudes.

Rough as old boots?

Bloody Nora, I’m glad you can’t see me 😂

Well, I'm in my 50s and sometimes see much younger men and think 'fwoah!' but I wouldn't start talking about it to my husband, who's in his 60s. If he asked me, I suppose I would admit I found them attractive, but comparison doesn't really come into the equation. Some 25 year old adonis is never going to be a suitable partner for me on any level. I didn't marry my husband for his looks.

Objectively, he probably was more attractive 22 years ago when we met, and so was I, but that's hardly breaking news.

I think OP needs to stop having this kind of futile conversation with her husband. If there are issues in the marriage generally, pinning them on this issue isn't going to help.

He sounds very immature. There are lots of attractive women and men over 40.

The fact that the OP asked two questions around attractiveness and who her DH fancies - bit immature as a pp said - makes me wonder if this is something they do fairly often, in which case I don’t blame the DH for giving blunt or tactless answers. Silly leading questions ask for trouble, simple as that.

He’s grim. A proper man sees the attractiveness of aging. And thankfully in my mid 40s it’s been true for me. I’ve never had so much attention. These youth seekers can be avoided.
Is he saying he’s not attractive any more then!?

Men are designed to be attracted to the most fertile age group of women. It’s literally in their genetic make up.
Best not to go there.

Yeah, drop in little comments about crows feet, hair thinning, spare tyre round his middle, wrinkles, greying hair.

The arrogance of men never fails to shock me. I should know better. But still...

Expecting female perfection while looking like troglodytes themselves.

If he had answered your stupid questions ,you would likely be on here saying my husband finds my friend attractive,also fancy’s kelly brook . He can’t win either way .

he sounds an absolute fool
i wouldnt take his opinion seriously

Exactly. The NUMBER of young men that chase cougars. Not myself I hasten to add, but I have friends who are ordinary single women beating off significantly younger men with a stick! While ageing gits like the OP's husbands are sitting in judgement.