Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Yabu to keep asking him these questions.

Quite.

You both sound quite immature so I'd try and avoid this kind of conversation

1. Stop asking your husband stupid questions.
2. He’s presumably answering them in an abstract way- in an imaginary perfect world his ideal woman would be X (and he’s probably also 25 again in this imaginary world). There is no read-across to how he feels about you in the real world. Yes he’s a slow learner to have been tactless twice but you’re also a slow learner to keep asking the same daft questions, so you are well suited.

I think most middle aged men look awful also

A man isn’t misogynistic for finding younger women more physically attractive. It’s simple biology - of course a younger woman is going to be more attractive on a primal sexual level!

However, he was a twat for being so insensitive about it.

I disagree. Not everyone has to be a dick. There are loads of outcomes that could have been just fine

Tbh in asking those questions, he probably gave you the best answer.

Imagine him picking out one of your friends as the most attractive. Yikes.
Why ask such silly questions? They must not have come out of the blue. Maybe he’s sick of them. I would be.

Really?
Please give examples .

I agree. But don't you think we look at our long term partners in a slightly different way? Objectively, they are not as superficially beautiful as they once were but when we look at them, we see beyond the lines and sags and grey hairs - hopefully to someone who's lovely on the inside! So your DH would still find you attractive anyway.

What answer did you want to hear?!

Q1) I think your best friend Suzy is fit, but not as sexy as your sister
Q2) yeah I used to fancy Kelly Brook. I still have a copy of Loaded magazine under the mattress

You asked a question, he answered. I just wouldn't have gone there. He would have been in the wrong whatever

I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us

Really not loaded? REALLY?! So the correct answers would have been what, exactly? "I fancy Sandra the most out of all your friends" and "yes, I still like to ogle Kelly Brook"? Those would have gone down well?

His answers were disrespectful because there isn't actually a respectful way to answer questions about superficial attraction. You literally asked him to objectify women, and he did.

If I was asked which of DP's male friends was most attractive, my honest response would also be "none of them are aging very well, even the ones who were attractive 10 years ago". (DP himself is genuinely an exception.)

I also had a huge crush on Ethan Hawke as a teenager; I saw a picture of him now the other day and while he is aging well, I don't think I'd hesitate to choose Young Ethan Hawke over Old Ethan Hawke.

These are not thoughts I'd say out loud to DP (or anyone really) but they don't mean that I'm in denial about my own aging.

I'm struggling to see any way that you saw either of those conversations going positively to be honest. Odd questions for you to ask him

Same.

Like you, I am in my 50s and the men I find physically attractive tend to be decades younger than me. I of course am under no illusions that those men would find me attractive!

Younger people, male and female, are hotter than older people. That's just how it is. Acknowleding that does not mean you hate the opposite gender or don't found your partner attractive. Having said that, if I were to compare men and women in this respect, I would say that, stereotypes aside, women tend to age much better than men.

This is "lighthearted" in the same way as the OP's questions were not loaded.

Personally I'm not sure what you were expecting. Your asking him a hypothetical fantasy question. Getting old is a part of life and I'm sure he still loves you and finds you attractive but when asked about our preference wouldn't we all wish to be a bit younger?

I have a male friend who was worried he wouldn’t be attracted to his wife as they aged but has found the age of women he is attracted to has grown with him.

i have found the same. In mid life I am attracted to men my age, not younger men.

So not all mid life men or women are attracted to much younger people.

Having said that, why on earth would you have asked your H which of your friends he found most attractive?! Would an answer of ‘Mary. I’d do her any time’ honestly have been better than him saying ‘none of them because of their age’.

The phrase ‘play stupid games, win stupid prizes’ comes to mind.

I googled Kelly Brook and she looks fine, though I also realised I can't actually remember what she looked like 20 years ago anyway. She's married to Jeremy Parisi? Lucky woman.

There's a celebrity who actually goes by "AngryGinge"? FFS.

You asked your partner which one of your friends he found most attractive?! Were you looking for an argument? I can't think why you would ask that, sounds like something a teenager would ask their boyfriend.
He gave a very diplomatic answer I think. Would you have preferred he actually named one of your friends? How would you feel now if he had?

Can you have a curious factual conversation with him? By that I mean gently explore examples of who he finds attractive and work out their ages. Then … related that back to family members who he cares for and, for example, ask if someone X (his age, eg a fiend)) should be pursuing someone them and if that feels right, and what he’d say to that person, would he encourage it.
Sometimes bringing and imaginary situation back to reality can make someone aware of more accurate feelings and judgements.

He hasn't made any negative comment tiwards you OP. He has a relationship with you and presumably loves you - that affects attraction too.
It would be very inappropriate to start making negative comments about him, unless he does so about you, or starts spontaneously criticising other women (rather than you asking his opinion).
Surely there are older male celebs who you think have deteriorated in terms of physical appeal, and think "no thanks, nit anymore". Might even share that opinion with friends?

He certainly doesn’t sound the most charming or tactful of men.

But how did you expect him to answer a question about which of your friends is most attractive? “They’re all beautiful in their own ways, though not as beautiful as you”?

If you ask a direct question, you should expect a direct answer. Perhaps he thought he was being tactful, rather than saying: “Maria is by far the most attractive of your friends.” Would you have preferred that?

Unless you’re worried he’s no longer into you, or tempted by younger women, I wouldn’t read too much into it. He’s been socially conditioned to find younger women attractive, as we all have (from childhood fairy tales to advertising), and clearly hasn’t thought too deeply about that/challenged himself on it. Plus, he’s probably considered pure sexual attraction, rather than a broader view of attractiveness, e.g. personality.

If he actually thought about it, there are probably plenty of women over 40 he finds attractive. Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Natalie Portman???

Men and women are just different. Don’t try and get into ‘fun’ conversations like this with them. They are just different than women. In MANY ways.

Plus, he’s probably considered pure sexual attraction, rather than a broader view of attractiveness, e.g. personality.

If someone asked me what celebrities I find attractive of course that question is only going to take into account pure superficial appearance, not personality. He doesn't know Kelly Brook so why would he take her personality into account, if asked that question?

We don’t always have to ‘call people out’ when they say something we don’t like.

When asked which of your friends he found most attractive, the answer he gave was probably the safest one he could give! After all if he’d named a specific friend, you’d probably have been really upset about that too.

As for people on the TV, when I was a teenager I was ‘madly in love’ with several of the Brat Pack, Andrew McCarthy, Rob Lowe etc. Looking at them now, yes, they’re ‘old’ (as am I!) and all the silly teenage crush stuff has long since worn off. There’s nothing wrong with thinking or saying that and I’m not sure how that reflects on you?

Unless your DH has form for being a rampant misogynist, he’s allowed to have an opinion on people he doesn’t fancy. But in general, if you don’t want to know the answer to a question, best to not ask it.