Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

grow up

I'd be asking what age he does find acceptable then? 30? 20? 10? Most men I feel will find the usual celebrities and superstars attractive....but they have the money for it. Personal trainer, weight control jabs, stylists..... But if he's not finding you attractive, or anyone your age bracket then that's an issue.

But the question is, if he dismisses women when they get "old" does that also translate to how he feels about you? Well that is how it would come across to me if I was in a similar conversation. Maybe it is just macho talk about fantasy women who he's only seen in the media over the years but it isn't very nice to hear. Kelly Brook is only 46, hardly geriatric or past it, and still looks great. Does he think that if he was suddenly single he'd be aiming for 25-year-olds? Although most of them would think he was ancient, of course.

But the question is, if he dismisses women when they get "old" does that also translate to how he feels about you? Well that is how it would come across to me if I was in a similar conversation.

@Bunny65 Yep, this is exactly how I took it and what upset me about it. Unfortunately a large amount of the replies I’ve had have focused on why I asked the question in the first place (because I just did - no other reason), or commented on how it’s no great surprise men find younger women more attractive (I never said otherwise).

The constrictive replies have been interesting though - even those who think IABU.

I’m leaning towards giving him the benefit of the doubt and thinking he was just incredibly clumsy in the way he answered the question, regardless of why I asked it.

The thing is...there is "attractive" and attractive. We all criticise other people's looks "oooh, she's put on a lot of weight" (when we're fat ourselves) or "he looks so old now" (when we look old ourselves). We especially do this to celebrities, and sometimes I wish that they would just accept that and not take it too much to heart. After all, they are the repository of our fantasies, our fears and we pay them a hell of a lot to serve this function for us.

So, I don't believe that he thinks of you as unattractive because you're older. You're not in the mix when it comes to a discussion on that playful level - if you see what I mean. In a way, you are probably beyond attractive to him. I don't know if I am making any sense whatsoever. People we spend our lives with are attractive to us on a different level. I haven't been to bed and it is early morning. I suppose what I am really saying is that you should probably be confident that you are attractive to him. He's so blunt that he would have given you an indication by now if that wasn't the case. And one of the reasons he said all those women were old and unattractive - including beautiful Kelly Brook was probably because he didn't want to upset you. He was right to say ewww about your friends otherwise you'd be thinking he fancied them.

One more thing: I've noticed that men are sometimes really stupid about this kind of thing. On the surface some of them lean into conventional male "wisdom" about what is attractive or not, but their own proclivities may be quite different.

Are you suggesting that OP's husband has only spoken to her twice in two weeks?

This is a really interesting way of thinking about it and it actually makes a lot of sense to me. I know in the past I’ve been guilty of commenting on someone - usually a celebrity’s - appearance in terms of saying things like ‘oh he’s looking old’ etc. It’s actually not any different to what he was saying is it? Thank you for giving me real food for thought!

No, she doesn't! I just Googled her. She looks like a perfectly normal (and attractive) woman of 46. She could do with losing quite a bit of weight is all I would say...

There's certainly nothing "eeeewwww" about her. Christ!

Exactly.. that’s the funny thing. These grim men cast judgement and the ones they deem unattractive STILL wouldn’t look twice at them.

I love how on social media people post the profile photos of men negatively commenting on womens appearance 😂 oh to have the confidence of these trolls.

You sound hard work.

A lot of people probably wouldn't have gone on a date with what their partner looks like now over many years of marriage.

Bald , overweight or whatever, you love that person as they are because you grew older together.

I'm two sizes bigger than when I met DH, he's gone bald but we're still attracted to each other because the relationship is more than skin deep.

His reaction wasn't great, but now he'll just censor himself around you.

Do you find as many men your age attractive as you did young men? Society and nature has conditioned us to find younger people attractive so I am not surprised by the reply. I don't look at many men on my commute on the tube in their 40s and think they are hot.

I think my husband would give a similar reply but remember the attractiveness you feel towards a partner is not just because of looks.

These days i don’t find anyone attractive in terms of fancying them. My libido has changed so much now that I am ageing. I was such a horny youngster and questions of attraction were on my mind quite a lot. It is a blessed relieved that I am no longer like that. I find a variety of people attractive in terms of age, looks etc. if I was seeking a partner today I would want them to be healthy, kind, clean and intelligent (not necessarily in that order. I wouldn’t choose someone decrepit but looks would not be one of my main criteria.

why do ageing men want young women

Because younger women are often open to dating older men - they're giving them the option. I have heard it many times, both from my own experience and from people I talk to, that some younger women genuinely prefer older partners.

People also say that men “age better,” but I do not really agree with that. There are plenty of men and women in their 40s who look great and are in better shape than many people in their 30s.

some younger women genuinely prefer older partners.

When women talk about 'older men', they usually mean men max 10 years older than themselves. There are some women who prefer much older men, but they are rare. The statistics bear this out. The majority of marriages are between people close in age. The vast majority of young women do not find men in their 40s or 50s attractive.

There are plenty of men and women in their 40s who look great and are in better shape than many people in their 30s.

No, there are not 'plenty' such men. I wish there were, but there aren't.

When women talk about 'older men', they usually mean men max 10 years older than themselves

I think that's a sensible age gap. However, I have friends whose partners are 12-13 years older, so I wouldn't say this rule applies to everyone. For example, there's a European woman who swims here with her children, and her partner is mid-50s, almost 15 years older than her. I want to reiterate, though, that these are just personal observations and, as you noted, may not represent the majority.

I totally agree with you on "majority of marriages are between people close in age".

"No, there are not 'plenty' such men. I wish there were, but there aren't."
I have to disagree on this point. The majority of my friend circle are in their 40s and look absolutely fantastic and are in great shape, both men and women. Perhaps it's just my circle.