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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s attitude towards aging

416 replies

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

OP posts:
CrazyCricketLady · 04/12/2025 16:41

Stop asking these questions thirsty lady.

LucyClayton · 04/12/2025 17:58

MooDengOfThailand · 03/12/2025 05:29

It's better just not to go there.

Makes me think your looking for attention. Just to see who he thinks is good looking in your friends and you might then feel God he thinks she's better looking than me.. Because I feel old now. Not 25 any more.
You both are still in your prime and will look good to most people. And I bet he knows your insecure.. So stop asking daft stuff.
Enjoy your lifes together..

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 04/12/2025 18:35

layingwoody · 04/12/2025 10:52

But he wouldn’t be able to win either way? If he picked one of your friends who looked nothing like you, you’d be comparing yourself to her, or finding another way to complain about who he picked. If he says none of them for x reason you’re still unhappy. Why even ask such a question? It’s like you’re trying to upset yourself and then playing the victim. Any answer would be hurtful so take a bit of accountability instead of becoming offended.

Thanks for your reply. I take full accountability for asking the question in the first place and I totally see why it’s not a good idea in future. This is something I’ll take forward with me.

I disagree that he couldn’t win either way - had he named one of my friends he found the most attractive I wouldn’t have been offended as I had asked the question in the first place. I asked the question fully expecting him to name of of them. I was interested to hear what he said and it absolutely wasn’t some weird attempt to get a compliment or attention! How does that even work?! I certainly am not interested in deliberately trying to upset myself and ‘play the victim’ - how odd.

I wasn’t asking him who he was attracted to - I was asking who, out of them, he thought was the most attractive and there’s a big difference between the two. I appreciate I’m in the minority here but I didn’t at the time find that all that strange to ask! It’s something I would ask a friend - male or female - and as well as being my partner I obviously consider my husband a friend too.

He could have named one of them, or he could have said ‘none of them… they’re not my type’ (or something along those lines) and either answer would have been totally fine with me.

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 18:41

But why put him on the awkward spot like that in the first place? What on earth does it gain you?

Bowies · 04/12/2025 18:55

Yes, it’s gross.

As it’s fundamental to how he thinks and obviously he feels justifiably so (given how expressive he is about it, face pulling etc) so it’s hard to challenge.

I don’t see how you will change his misogynistic, ageist attitudes unfortunately, so it’s LTB or put up with his shitty POV. I’m surprised they weren’t revealed any earlier though, no clues?

Tuesdayschild50 · 04/12/2025 18:56

There is no good answer to your questions if he had chose one of your friends and said say name as an example claire is very attractive .. you wouldn't like that either so why go there.

Rhaenys · 04/12/2025 18:57

Kelly Brook looks incredible. What is he on about?!?

Leedsfan247 · 04/12/2025 19:02

He’s a bloke

Disturbia81 · 04/12/2025 19:45

IcedPurple · 04/12/2025 16:37

it's upsetting to know you're not as attractive as you once were,

Why is it 'upsetting'?

Of course younger people are more physically attractive than older people. It's a basic fact of biology. Is any adult seriously under any delusions about that? They don't need some pop 'study' to know that.

And when I say 'people' I of course mean men as much as women. More so in fact. I see stylish, attractive women in their 40s, 50s and above every day. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about men.

Show quote history

I am bisexual and genuinely have always thought older people are more beautiful. That wiser and worldly more hollowed face with cheekbones, laughter lines and crows feet etc. compared to youthful fleshy cheeks and lack of features.

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 04/12/2025 20:03

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 18:41

But why put him on the awkward spot like that in the first place? What on earth does it gain you?

It doesn’t ‘gain’ me anything, it was literally just a conversation in the first instance (about my friends) and a comment while watching tv in the second.

We’ve had conversations like this in the past – sometimes I instigate and other times he does. It’s been made very clear by this post that we are very much in the minority, and that’s ok. If others don’t understand it or don’t agree with it, that’s ok too.

The difference this time is that rather than just answering the question and moving on, I was upset by his reaction and choice of words. He could have answered the question without andding the ‘eww’, without pulling the face, annd without the ‘none of them…. They’re anll old’ and all would have been fine.

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 04/12/2025 20:11

Disturbia81 · 04/12/2025 19:45

I am bisexual and genuinely have always thought older people are more beautiful. That wiser and worldly more hollowed face with cheekbones, laughter lines and crows feet etc. compared to youthful fleshy cheeks and lack of features.

Show quote history

That's great, but I suspect you are very much the exception.

Of course older people can be attractive but the vast majority find men and women to be more physically attractive in their youth.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 04/12/2025 20:15
  • Remember the French and Saunders Characters
  • The Fat Men," "Dirty Old Men," or simply "Jim and Jim".
  • These characters were two self-adoring, older blokes
  • Often sat in a pub or in front of the television, making lewd or self-aggrandizing comments about women and their own supposed charm and attractiveness.
  • Were completely deluded about their appeal to the opposite sex and would frequently sexually harass women they encountered, believing themselves to be God's gift.
That's men for you. Pathetic.
Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 04/12/2025 20:22

Bringemout · 03/12/2025 06:07

I think people just associate youth with beauty if they are being honest (men more so than women). I don’t think it’s fair to berate him for being honest though. I doubt Dh finds me as attractive as he did when we first met.

Edited

Agree with this, appreciating beauty doesn't necessarily mean wanting to be with the person.
True love is deeper than that.
Loads of threads on here about whom people fancy and the age ranges are from Timothy Chalame (sp) to Brian Cox and older.

Wildefish · 04/12/2025 20:38

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Perhaps it was his way of not answering a question you may have got upset over.

Disturbia81 · 04/12/2025 20:59

IcedPurple · 04/12/2025 20:11

That's great, but I suspect you are very much the exception.

Of course older people can be attractive but the vast majority find men and women to be more physically attractive in their youth.

Show quote history

It’s not been my experience of myself either, I get more attention now in my mid 40s. I just think it’s sad people are so negative towards older people on this thread.

Plumnora · 04/12/2025 21:09

Once again the Mumsnet Gestapo is out in force.
I dont think it's unusual to ask your partner who they find attractive. In fact most couples who are comfortable with each other talk about fancying other people. It doesn't mean they'll stray and we all continue to fancy other people when we're in a relationship.
Has everyone forgotten the free pass that every couple used to have?! The one person - usually a celebrity- they were allowed to shag? So why everyone is laying in to, you OP, I'm not sure.
And actually, I think your husband's responses ARE pretty dodgy. Verging on creepy, in fact.

Blades2 · 04/12/2025 21:16

It’s a bit weird that your dh sees women extremely close in his age as “too old” 🤮

IcedPurple · 04/12/2025 21:18

Disturbia81 · 04/12/2025 20:59

It’s not been my experience of myself either, I get more attention now in my mid 40s. I just think it’s sad people are so negative towards older people on this thread.

Show quote history

I don't think pointing out that physical attractiveness tends to decline with age equates to being "negative towards older people". Most of us have a lot more to offer than perky tits or rippling muscles.

As I said above, I'm in my 50s and the men I find 'hot' are usually much younger than me. However, if I were looking for a partner (which I'm not) I'd want someone closer to my own age. Compatibility is about so much more than 'hotness'. But I'm not going to pretnd that age does not have a negative effect on physical appeal, because it almost always does.

rwalker · 04/12/2025 21:19

Is it just me but I look at pictures of me 20 years ago and I think I look better then than I do now

I think the majority of people look better when there younger and if your asking question in the realms of fantasy then expect an answer in the same context

ThatCyanCat · 04/12/2025 21:20

Most of us have a lot more to offer than perky tits or rippling muscles.

Speak for yourself!

Donsyb · 04/12/2025 21:35

And why did he say when you told him
how you felt?

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 04/12/2025 21:46

rwalker · 04/12/2025 21:19

Is it just me but I look at pictures of me 20 years ago and I think I look better then than I do now

I think the majority of people look better when there younger and if your asking question in the realms of fantasy then expect an answer in the same context

I wouldn’t say his answer was ‘in the realms of fantasy’ though. I’d say it was more rude, disrespectful and unecessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabear38 · 04/12/2025 21:49

Donsyb · 04/12/2025 21:35

And why did he say when you told him
how you felt?

He said I’d taken it the wrong way. When I asked him what way I should’ve taken it, he said he ‘hadn’t meant it like that’. I talked him through why it had made me feel the way it did, and he said he could then understand why I’d seen it the way that I had. He then just said again that he hadn’t meant it like that and he was sorry, and that there was nothing more he could do.

OP posts:
LemonDrizzleKay · 04/12/2025 21:50

Rhaenys · 04/12/2025 18:57

Kelly Brook looks incredible. What is he on about?!?

Yes. He should be so lucky.

girljulian · 04/12/2025 23:10

Lolabear38 · 04/12/2025 21:49

He said I’d taken it the wrong way. When I asked him what way I should’ve taken it, he said he ‘hadn’t meant it like that’. I talked him through why it had made me feel the way it did, and he said he could then understand why I’d seen it the way that I had. He then just said again that he hadn’t meant it like that and he was sorry, and that there was nothing more he could do.

Show quote history

I think that sounds very reasonable from him and should put the whole thing to bed.