Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

To my mind old Banderas is so much sexier than young Banderas. Young people don't do it for me. I wouldn't want someone decrepit, but I prefer maturity. In that film Babygirl I found it implausible that the Kidman character would go for the young guy (even though he is a great actor and that dance sequence was sublime). I just could not suspend my disbelief and accept that she found the young guy sexier than Banderas,

Stupid questions to ask really.
He didn't lie.
You asked about looks and he gave a straight answer. That's what the majority of people would think in their heads but are not allowed to say it because it is actually rude (although true) and we are supposed to maintain some ridiculous idea that nobody is old until they get to the age of 93.
I can tell you a find x, y, z celebrity better looking the way they were in their 20s than they are now in their 40s-50s because they are older and it shows. The same with my DH's friends. I never fancied celebrities or any of my DH's friends when they were young and don't fancy them now either. I can appreciate some would have been good looking when young but they simply are not anymore to the same level.
It's worse for women and I can say the same thing about a lot of women.
All this nonsense around how amazing all these 50 years old women look, it's over the top. And the majority of women in their 40s even, they look very much aged compared to those in their 20s. Regardless of fitness levels, beauty treatments etc. I am not 50 myself yet and I do happen to look very good for my age but I'm not young and am definitely not young and am not as good looking as I was in my 20s because older usually doesn't look better than younger. That's life. Does it matter? Not one bit.

From now on your dh is going to fancy younger women, it’s evolutionary. It was always going to happen. Would you prefer him to lie?

@Lolabear38

I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Are you for real??

You put him in a position.
You got an answer you didn't like.
And now, realistically, you want to teach him to lie to you.

YAB V V V V U

Yes me too! I think gosh they look old then I look in the mirror and realise I’m looking old too! Age is a funny thing. In my head I feel 28. On the outside, not so much!

OP, just stop asking these kind of questions. What ‘good’ answer could there have been to which of your friends do you think is almost attractive? Any answer would’ve caused upset. Maybe it was a throw away question but perhaps the reason the question came out is because you’re feeling insecure about aging? That’s a normal kind of feeling to have and we all have to navigate it.

So I think you need to work out in your own head how you feel about aging. I generally feel ok, but have moments when I see young women and have a flashing thought of remembering what it was like to be that age, being able to wear anything and not having to keep dying my roots every 6 weeks! But there was also a lot of angst and I have security in other ways now. Re the Kelly Brooke comment, I sometimes think men who are younger then me are attractive because as I said in my head I’m 28!

So unless there is other context to this and your DH behaves badly in other ways, I think you could let this go. As an aside, aging is something my DH and I talk about often (my knees are hurting…) and we both try to be supportive about the different things we find hard. My DH compliments me, notices if I wear something different and generally makes me feel special (not just about looks). Maybe that’s the nub of the issue here? Anyway, just some thoughts to consider. All the best x

I agree with him. Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to. Seems like you're looking for reasons to be annoyed.

It really isn't surprising that he finds younger women attractive.

Bald fat ugly men are allowed to find young women attractive. Just as old grandmothers are allowed to find fit young tennis players attractive. What’s the big deal?

You basically gave him a question he could never win on - he picked in and then you lectured him for it. The which one of my mates questions was dumb.

Well objectively, older people don’t suddenly get more attractive just because you yourself are old. He’s not saying he wants to marry a 25 yo but I personally wouldn’t find it surprising he thinks 25yo’s look better than 45yo’s. I think you were silly to ask the questions and I think y he way he responded was less than ideal but the principal of what he is saying is not surprising.

Poor bloke. Why ask such questions in the first place? Obviously there’s no “safe” answer. He probably thought he was being reassuring in some misguided way.
To be clear, I think it’s pathetic the way old men lust after young naive girls instead of women their own age, so I’m usually on the women’s side when it comes to the age debate, but this isn’t that.
Your comments are unfair and come across as provoking or needy.
Can you honestly say you’d never have given it a second thought if he’d said “well now you mention, it your bestie Janet is a right hottie!” or would you be coming on here to complain about that too?
Don’t start looking for issues in your relationship where there aren’t any.

Brilliant.
I'm 46, couldn't say it better.
Regarding men, I probably would be less polite.
Just fucking gross.

I think your questions are not fair as they are likely to lead to an argument so YABU.

Thank goodness he didn't tell you which one of your friends is the most attractive. He's not that silly, is he?

Op, your DH better strap in because he is in for a very bumpy ride. He is relatively young and already thinks of himself and his peers as old and looking old. You can't be taking as good cafe of yourselves as you think because you should still look good at your ages. The bumpy bit starts to happen when you are late 50s and into your sixties. It is all downhill from there - but not for everyone and some people look incredible.

I find it really weird that your DH would compare you and other women to their younger selves. And all the people on here who say they do the same! It's just really strange to me. And it explains why a lot of people start having work done at a very young age.

I also don't agree with others that he was just telling the truth. I hope the truth got him weeks of no sex with his "Old" wife.

Why do your conversations with DH involve you asking who he fancies? I think you have a problem if this is the sort of question you ask. Get real.

I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Both of you need to have a think about your shitty attitudes.

I wouldn't have asked those questions tbh but you did and he seems to have thoughts about ageing 🙂 but I think most people's internal image of themselves is more youthful than they actually are. I'm a lot older than you, occasionally I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and think who is that old lady then realise it's me. I think Cilla Black used to say she never looked at her face in the mirror before 11am to give it time to rearrange itself. I'm with Cilla.

I think it’s okay to think people are more attractive when younger - that’s kind of the point, biologically. David Tennant was the absolute love of my life as a teenager, I thought he was the most handsome man in the world. 20 years on, I wouldn’t give you a thank you for him - he’s aged much too much and looks his age, and that’s okay!! He is older! I just don’t fancy him anymore. I don’t think your husband said anything wrong.

I'm mid 50s and can honestly say that I don't find many real men of my age to be very physically attractive. Clearly most don't look like Brad Pitt / George Clooney, Jon Hamm who are all fine looking but not to be found in my neck of the woods. I can completely understand that men might feel the same about women of my age too.

@Lolabear38 you put your DH on the spot and he replied honestly, although not very tactfully. Perhaps as you and your DH get older you might find that there are more to people than their looks to be attracted too?

I think this is what I was trying to say.

Personally, from my late teens until my 30s I think the age I found most attractive in a man in a theoretical, from a distance, don't know him as a person way was 28. It's definitely not true that I always found "older" men attractive, I think late 20s was the sweet spot 😝

Now I'm menopausal I really don't have that kind of chemical lust going on for strangers at all, but if I did it definitely wouldn't be for older than me men! I lost a lot of weight five years ago (late 40s) and suddenly got male attention from strangers again after being fat for a decade, but it was male attention from men in their 50s and turned my stomach even when they were objectively physically fit (in the sense of looking as though they were healthy and exercised) because I do think you have to know someone well to become attracted to them as you get older, and when they are older.

That goes for both sexes (and if it comes down to fertility then obviously there's only an actual cut off for women, but men are also less fertile and more likely to father children with chromosomal disorders as they age).

You're asking him about fantasies, not who he would see himself married too. Who of your mates would he fantasise over if he could, or who he got his jollies to looking at FHM when he was 16. That's a very different question to who he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. Of course if he's asked about who he'd like to shag in a fantasy that will be different.

He's right, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, very very silly and dangerous to ask your husband which of your mates he would like to shag! I think that possibly a lot of this is your own insecurities about aging and feeling less attractive. Which I totally understand and can see why you're a bit taken aback.

However, did he at least reassure you that he finds you attractive, or does he generally in life compliment you or show you in other ways he's still very much attracted to you?

There are two issues here.

Firstly all the insecure questioning about who he fancies. Then when he answers honestly you go in a strop. Have some self respect and stop doing the pick me dance. Stop giving him this power. You are enough. If he’s a knuckle dragging dullard who doesn’t value you as you are, then you chose the wrong person.

Secondly is this idea that it’s ‘natural’ for men to be attracted to younger women. Is it? Or is it misogny and male entitlement that makes them entirely arrogant in the assumption that they’d be worthy or eligible.

Secondly is this idea that it’s ‘natural’ for men to be attracted to younger women. Is it? Or is it misogny and male entitlement that makes them entirely arrogant in the assumption that they’d be worthy or eligible.

Neither? It's not that deep. A 40- or 50-something finding a 28-year-old attractive does not mean they assume they're eligible.

Misogyny would be a middle-aged man volunteering all the information about who he fancied and who he found old without being asked. That would be male entitlement. In this case, he was simply replying to a question.

How would you have reacted if he said he still found Kelly Brook attractive, or one of your friends attractive? Maybe this is why he answered the way he did. I am usually the first to say LTB with little provocation, but maybe in this case he was dealing with a tricky situation the best he could.

I'm sure he'd shove Kelly Brook right out of bed, yes indeed.