Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

What came to mind was making a mountain out of a molehill.

You're 41 not 81- hardly old!

I’m going to take wild guess here and assume some blokes think Kelly Brooke was at her peak during Piranha 3D. I think you were stirring asking that

It’s a biological fact that younger women are most sexually attractive judging on appearance alone. That fact doesn’t make men “misogynistic”, it’s just nature.

Men are no more misogynistic for being attracted to young women than a straight person is homophobic for not fancying someone of their own sex!

My mam use to get creeped at because when I was young all my celeb crushes where on men her age or older.

They still are too be fair, Norman Reedus for example is the same age my mam was and is still damn hot and I know a tonne of girls my age and younger that had a crush on him. On the flip side I have never had celeb crush on men younger than me or even the same age.

My relationship with DH is deeper than surface level attraction, we are best friends and life partners. Hell he has seen me at my least attractive in all the glory of passing a human out of my body complete with all bodily fluids multiple times and we are still going strong.

People put way to much weight in 'attraction'. We all age and change and look rough at time and have our bodies fail and suffer gross things. If 'attraction' is what people based picking their mate on it won't survive all that.

It's just biology. Women tend to look their most fertile around 20 - 22 and men have evolved to be sexually attracted to high fertility.

"I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself". Unfortunately, this is not a valid argument, UNFORTUNATELY. Look at the Hollywood or BBC or any other film studio protagonist paring (Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones - disgusting), etc. etc. Look at the adverts - unshaven, unkempt, wrinkly, elderly-looking George Clooney has been signed up in an advert campaign by a Swiss watch brand, and women keep saying 'sexy'. Advert campaigns by luxury bags manufacturers featuring mature women - Dame Maggie Smith and Olivia Colman do not move merch and are perceived as mature 'eccentric ladies selling things', not sexy or attractive in any way. Compared to that, elderly Connery and Clooney adverts have always been perceived as 'sexy'. Unfortunately, it seems, we, women can't fight biology - as soon as we LOOK as if we can't ovulate anymore, we are not perceived as attractive. Healthy men, on the other hand, retain their sperm production until they die. Unfortunately, biology is not on our side when we talk about attractiveness, but oh boy, is it on our side in terms of longevity!!! Again, not every woman outlives a man, but on average, women live longer.

So he thinks younger women look more attractive ? Hardly a revelation. Did you want him to lie ?
I think this is more about you and how you now feel less attractive as your aging. Your asking him these questions so you can then blame him for how you feel.

As women age we generally continue to find men of a similar age to us sexually attractive.

As men age they continue to find 18-25 year old women sexually attractive.

So he’s the same as 99.9% of all men on the planet. His mistake is voicing that to his wife.

I disagree with this - as I’ve already said, it wasn’t so much the comments it was more the look on his face and tone as he was saying it that upset me the most. This isn’t me projecting my feelings onto him, aging actually doesn’t bother me. I feel lucky to be getting older when so many people don’t get that chance. I have a skincare routine, but unlike a lot of my friends – and no judgment for anyone who does do this – I don’t do Botox or any special kinds of skin treatments. I don’t mind how I look at all and actually have fewer insecurities the older I get, which is nice.

OP, my husband has done the exact same--the faces, the "ew." I find HIM "ew" when he does this.

The issue isn't the questions you asked, it's the way he answered them. Like he somehow thinks he could do better than these gross "old" women when he is the same age.

Sounds like it's time for his ego to come down a few notches until he gets a reality check.

My husband is 5 years older than me and seriously looks 15 years older. He makes these "ew" faces over television actresses in their 40s (my age) who look very good, obviously! He either has a very disordered view of himself or he is very insecure and is projecting those feelings onto others his age--either way, I have cooled way off from him because of it.

Well, reading a few more of these comments (yet still not all) has been something of a revelation! I’m fully prepared to accept that I was being unreasonable with my reaction to my husband last night, and I alluded to the fact that they were daft questions in my original post. Not arguing that!

What I did forget, was that this is Mumsnet so obviously my entire personality and marriage was going to be psychoanalyzed! I’ve learnt from some of these replies that apparently as well as asking stupid questions (which I accept), I’m apparently also childish, superficial, my 15 year relationship is only surface deep, I’m obsessed with looks and only ever talk about looks! All this based on two examples of conversations I’ve had with my husband in recent weeks. Who needs a therapist when you lot are around! 😂

Next time tell him to take a look in the mirror and ask if he still looks the same as he did in his 20s.

Yanbu, what an ick of a man.

As others have said, if you ask a blunt question, you'll get a blunt answer.

Personally, I don't think it's a big deal. He gave an honest reaction. He looked at your friends, decided they seemed older and did not find them attractive.

It's simply his opinion.

Whether he is attractive at the same age does not really matter in this situation.

Voted YABU.

What he looks like is irrelevant. She asked about her friends and he answered the question.

His appearance does not really factor into it because the discussion was not about him in the first place.

So in my opinion, the OP is YABU.

My partners friend is like this single @50 and is looking but ‘doesn’t find women his own age attractive’ and is looking younger on dating sites etc.

I explained to my other half very few women he deems an attractive age 30s i’m guessing will be interested in a man in his fifties. I’m not ruling out everyone but why do ageing men want young women. urgh.

P.s my partner still has a thing for Kelly brook we are of similar ages. I don’t know his exact opinions on ageing women but he doesn’t seem to have an issue with it

vast majority of men find young women attractive

I don't know why so many women try to kid themselves that they don't

just best not to ask these questions or accept that if the answer is what you prefer to hear that he is likely lying

what does it matter anyway

1 stop asking him dumb questions
2 accept you’ve got a guy with zero emotional intelligence who is as shallow as a puddle.

Did you keep reading?

Honestly, the number of women claiming to have zero understanding of how a man can't be a dick is really sad.

Where is that graphic from? It means absolutely nothing at all without a source, you could have made it yourself!

I'm not disputing that men find younger women attractive btw, but that women find men their own age attractive when they are over 40 and we're talking about superficial attraction to strangers/ celebrities rather than dating preferences (dating preferences are about wanting someone at the same life stage for a relationship for most women).

I suspect a man made that graphic to show something he wanted to be true, on the basis of some very sketchy survey in which the question was not directly "at what age are men most attractive?" ...

Some women with a lot of money seem to go for younger men too. I can't believe that Madonna who is deep into her sixties goes out with men in their twenties. My brain just can't handle that - whether it's an older man or an older woman,

Sienna Miller is also with a younger man, but the age gap there is only 15 years.

So you think that what/who people find attractive should depend on how attractive they are themselves? Yeah, it doesn't work like that. 😂

Kelly Brook is still beautiful. Not in the same way as when she was younger of course. She looked a bit like Cindy Crawford back in the day.

It's not about what he finds attractive, it's about the "eww" and sense of disgust over ageing. He needs to think about whether he's disgusted with himself having aged as well - if he's not then he needs to realise he can't apply it to others and not himself.

(Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones - disgusting)

And yet in real life, Catherine Zeta Jones (56) is married to Michael Douglas (81) and has been since she was 29 (and him 54)!

Your own fault!