Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

Yes - he did. I used the ellipses to show it was two quotes I had used in one sentence with words omitted, it was quicker that way. The context remains the same – he was using these words on two separate occasions to talk about older women. The ‘eww’ was in relation to Kelly Brook and the ‘they’re all old’ was in reference to my friends.

There’s a difference between asking a stupid question and replying to a question in a way that can be perceived as being rude/ disrespectful and hurt someone’s feelings. This question could easily have been answered in a much more positive or constructive way, or if he felt like it was a stupid question (which at no point he has said he does) then he didn’t have to answer it at all.

What I wanted from this thread is exactly what I got – opinions from others. I think I’ve been pretty clear by now that I am taking on board a lot of the comments I’ve read, even those who disagree with me. I have commented a few times that I’m going to take away from this how I could have dealt with the situation differently, which will hopefully help me in future.

Did you want everyone to validate your feelings? Did you want everyone to pile on your husband and condemn him as a disgusting pig? There are plenty of posters willing to do so, so focus on those if that's what you want (personally I wouldn't want strangers on the internet talking about someone I love that way but your mileage may vary).

I’m unsure where you’ve got this impression from, to be honest. I’ve disagreed with a couple of posters - which is my right - but I am
absolutely taking on board the more constructive replies (as I said above - even the ones who think IABU).

He is just as old though. If you were going to name people you fancied, would it be old(er)men? He was unthinkingly blunt I think.

Good to hear you're taking on-board what people are saying. (It puts you ahead of 99% of the internet there!) I'm not going to read through 15 pages of replies, but if it's not been said before, for most men who aren't in the first flush of youth, who they reckon is attractive and who they actually want to go out with are very different answers (and if they're not, that bloke's a bit of a problem). All his 'ew, they're old' points are worrying though - a bloke I know has that attitude and everyone in the group (men and women) find it really off-putting.

You are creating dramas for yourself 🫠.

He is a prat and clearly thinks highly of him self i wouldnt of asked the question tbh its always going to backfire

I think it comes down to your husband not being sensitive and if it was continuous I wouldn’t want to be with some one like that. I would rather be on my own.
it reminds me when I made a comment about wearing a certain type of snood / hat that would make me look like an old woman. He said “ well you are an old woman!” It was like a slap in the face and I did say he had hurt my feelings later. I am late 50’s always looked younger but now stress and age has caught up with me. You just don’t want your partner saying that as I don’t look at him and think that I just see him ,if you see what I mean. It is a slippery slope if you don’t feel they find you attractive.

And here you are, participating.

But he wouldn’t be able to win either way? If he picked one of your friends who looked nothing like you, you’d be comparing yourself to her, or finding another way to complain about who he picked. If he says none of them for x reason you’re still unhappy. Why even ask such a question? It’s like you’re trying to upset yourself and then playing the victim. Any answer would be hurtful so take a bit of accountability instead of becoming offended.

Does he realise that he’s the same age as these women and the younger women he fancies would be pulling the same ew grandad face at him if they saw him looking? Some men seem almost delusional about their ability to pull these days.

I’d say it’s pretty harmless though, so long as you both still feel desired and valued by each other and your sex life is still good for both of you.

I think most of us were hotter when we were younger - I certainly was! I was watching Prisoner 951 last night and I thought the male lead was Ralph Fiennes. I was surprised to learn that it was actually Joseph (the younger fit brother) and he’d just got older. I get the same feeling when I see Jason Donovan now, who I really fancied 35 years ago, but now looks more like his Dad. I think the feeling comes from the knowledge that we too are probably equally older and less attractive now. How did we go from ‘that’ to ‘this’, seemingly in the blink of an eye?

Men always answer these sorts of questions from a complete fantasy point of view. Obviously, in real life, if Kelly Brook (or any of your friends) was to so much as look in his general direction he'd be mightly flattered.

You're conflating fantasy and reality. If you ask him a fantasy question remember not to apply it to real life, or just don't ask the question at all!

Young Kelly Brook was clearly far hotter than middle aged Kelly Brook. The same could be said for most of us. 🤷‍♀️ He never said he wasn’t attracted to you or was planning on running off with a 20 year old so why are you trying to take in personally that he doesn’t want to cheat on you with your friends?

Some men and women age their self's with over doing botox and fillers.

TBH I'd be 'eeewwww' if DH asked me who out of his friends I found attractive.

Middle aged men getting paunchy and blading aren't really my bag. I still put up with him though!

It’s quite sad reading this thread and seeing all the people thinking youth is everything. Surely there’s others like me who feel better than they ever have mid 40s?

I personally wouldn't ask any partner of mine who of my mates they found attractive or which celeb they fancied as it would probably play on my mind and upset me.

Exactly.

Kelly Brook is still an attractive woman in her 40s, but she's not the bombshell she was two decades ago. Very few people, male or female, are as hot in middle age as they were in their youth. That's just how it is.

Happily there is way more to attraction than youthful good looks. And however much middle aged men, or women, may lust over hot young things, the reality is that said hot young things would never so much as glance in their direction.

I don't know what you and your friends look like, but if a man in his 40s thinks Kelly Brook looks too old for him there is something wrong. It actually makes me feel a bit sick wondering just how young people need to be for him to be attracted to them.

I agree I think that’s what’s upsetting.
I just googled kelly brook. She’s gorgeous! So saying he finds all these women unattractive because of their age is extremely insulting. It’s not because she hasnt looked after herself like some of the middle aged men in the examples up thread.

is the correct answer.

Yeah it’s weird.. is he saying he isn’t attractive either then.

I can see that previous posters have already linked to the study, but it bears worth reading again

https://www.businessinsider.com/dataclysm-shows-men-are-attracted-to-women-in-their-20s-2014-10

It's hardly surprising you got the answer you did to be honest and while it's upsetting to know you're not as attractive as you once were, he's still with YOU.

it's upsetting to know you're not as attractive as you once were,

Why is it 'upsetting'?

Of course younger people are more physically attractive than older people. It's a basic fact of biology. Is any adult seriously under any delusions about that? They don't need some pop 'study' to know that.

And when I say 'people' I of course mean men as much as women. More so in fact. I see stylish, attractive women in their 40s, 50s and above every day. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about men.