Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

So true.

Its not being attracted to younger women that's misogynistic, provided it stays in the privacy of the aging man's mind.
Where it becomes misogyny is when men like the OPs husband feels the need to share this with older women, expressing disgust at them, trying to make them feel lesser by comparison.
Or when they ignore their own decline and believe themselves entitled to young women, making a nuisance of themselves and complaining when rejected. Or use their power to gain the attention of young women at work, for example.

I think -

OP's husband was put in a position where he was obliged to lie, and he said the second thing that came into his head (the first thing being whichever of OP's friends he most wants to shag).

When he was asked if he finds Kelly Brook attractive, he naturally assumed that OP was trying to start round two of the argument, so said no to be contrary.

If you don’t want an honest reply, don’t ask!

Isnt it normal to no longer fancy a celebrity when they’ve aged? I went to see Clive Owen in a play recently, I was really looking forward to it as I used to think he was super hot. I was bitterly disappointed! 😂

He sounds like a to$$er, who thinks he's probably still attractive to 25 year olds.
Get him a mirror for Christmas.

Well this is why the problem was the OP asking these questions in the first place. He didn't share his feelings unprompted.

Anyone sharing their "type" unprompted is being quite crass imo (whoever that person is and whatever their type is). But if you ask the question you should be prepared for the answer!

His replies are a bit too Leonardo Dicaprio for me!

Says a chart compiled by men.

In reality women continue to find young men attractive but they’re more dignified, less pervy and less delusional.

I don’t generally find men my age attractive, I’m very lucky that my DH still has hair and a good physique - bald, paunchy, white hair - really not into that.

The OP asked him which of her friends were most attractive. Which admittedly is a daft question. However, he could have answered this by saying he didn't find any of them attractive, or he could have chosen the one he found the most attractive (albeit not attractive to him). Instead he chose to tell his partner of the same age that he found them unattractive because they were too old. With an Eew of disgust to ensure the message hit home. Unless this man is as thick as a brick and with less sensitivity, he was being unnecessarily cruel.

You asked ridiculous questions to start with, which put him in a difficult situation however he had answered. If he had selected one of your friends he fancied you would have equally be upset.

It's hardly a surprise regarding Kelly either, as well as aging she has put on considerable weight in that time. My husband and I have both more bumps, bags, wrinkles and grey hair than when we met 30 years ago, very few people get better with age, so definitely not as attractive as we were, however that doesn't mean we don't love or still fancy each other for who we are, and journey we have been through together.

The difference is men just seem far less worried about aging than us.

It's a basic fact young women are more attractive. The human race would be extinct if men weren't attracted to fertile females over those that aren't!

You sound like hard work. He probably fancies your friends and still fancies Kelly Brook, and wanted to find a reason that sounded plausible like "they're too old", to stop you harping on and trying to catch him out.

A male friend casually stated that women who were beautiful when they were young, don't realise they're not attractive now they're old. That they need to make way more effort than they do to look half decent..... I'm in my 50s, so that was a stinger.

He also thinks I'm stupid for having 'tweaks'. He says I'm beautiful as I am and don't need it.

Can't win that one either way really ...........🤔

You weren't being silly. Your OH is unpleasant. My OH would never tell me he finds someone unattractive in such a disgraceful manner.

MN is hilarious for armchair psychoanalysis. I wonder how many relationships have prematurely ended because someone on here planted the wrong idea in someone naive poster's head.

Anyhow. Disrespectful husband. Other husbands are available tho!

I wonder how many relationships have prematurely ended because someone on here planted the wrong idea in someone naive poster's head.

None, I’d say.

Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.
It is your fault, OP. He is just answering honestly the questions you are throwing. You don't have to agree with his views, but he is entitled to them.
It is good that you have at least realised you were being stupid, as you stated in your first post.

Yeah I'd be pointing out that attitude would make me feel uncomfortable and how it relates to me. Saying he fancies someone x yz is one thing, saying eww they are old now is another. I think that's what is upsetting to OP and not the fact he finds younger women attractive. I think the obvious surprise of him having views she didn't expect is bound to be disappointing.
Do I expect my husband to openly drool over younger women? Absolutely not. Am I going to ask ? Absolutely not. Do I expect him to make me feel valued and attractive to him? Absolutely I do.
He's just ignored her feelings completely and waded into territory that's exposed him. OP is right to be upset.
If he used to fancy Kelly brook, he could have said yeah I did!
He didn't need to express distaste at her current physical appearance. End of

You just can't police what other people find attractive. Fact of life that men aren't going to fancy older women the same way they fancy younger ones.
Don't ask these questions if you don't want honest answers.

Unless he's made the same complaint about you I wouldn't think any more on it

Of course younger people are at their peek beauty wise but I don’t think it’s fair to say people are not attractive as they age . Some even look better if they have a different hairstyle or change weight etc. Some people age better than others. I am not attracted to the older Mark Owen like I was in Back for good days but Ben Fogle and Simon Reeves look as good as they ever did in my opinion . Kelly Brook I still think is really pretty and very bubbly attractive personality. She has a beautiful ( younger ?) husband too.

I found Kelly Brook incredibly annoying on I’m a Celebrity. Maybe that had an influence on your DH too…

I menat more rating which woman of same age is more attractive as op mentioned

It's a matter of degree, though, not an absolute difference. You only have to read back through this thread - dozens of women pointing out to OP that [insert name of male celebrity here] is clearly hotter at 28 than 58 and perceiving this doesn't require being so deluded as to think you'd have a shot, etc.

The general rule, per the data, is that female sexual preference in male age shifts more with age than male sexual preference in female age does, but that at around 30 it shifts from "own age up to a few years years older" to "own age down to a few years younger". The women that find Lee Mack more attractive in his current form than years and years ago are statistically likely to be women around Lee Mack's age or a touch older, not 25 year olds.

I wasn’t ’being stupid’, I asked a stupid question, which I acknowledged in my first post. Geez, MN is a hotbed of self righteousness sometimes.

I think you’ve misunderstood what I’m saying here. If I’d asked if he found a younger or older woman more attractive, and was upset when he chose someone younger, then you would have a point. But I didn’t and was in no way ‘policing’ who he finds attractive.

My issue was the way he reacted when discussing older women - if he’d have even said ‘they’re not my type’ it would have been totally fine and reasonable. But he didn’t - he said ‘eww… they’re all old’ which I found disrespectful - the correlation between the ‘eww’ and them being older.