Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

To those giving arsey replies to the OP, it’s all well and fine finding younger women “more attractive”, but the husband was saying ‘older women’ in their 40s FFS are do unattractive as to need a cringing face and ewww, in his reply. I don’t think most men have this view.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset by this OP. Of course you are going to wonder how he sees you. You can’t change what he thinks though, so you’ll need to let it go 💐

Thank you - this explains exactly how I felt.

In view of how many think IABU I’m fully prepared to evaluate my feelings and think about my response and how I could have acted differently. However I also think he could think about how he could have answered ‘better’ - e.g ‘I don’t find any of them attractive, they’re not my type’ covers is way better than ‘eww… none of them, they’re all old’.

You ask stupid question expect an answer and take it, not sure why you keep mentioning questions like that tbh neither is jokey or funny just annoying lol

He’s not obliged to find people attractive in any way. You shouldn’t ask these questions. Do you want to be asked if you find someone attractive and then be judged on the response?

Also I’d just like to reiterate that at no point have I expressed surprise or upset that he may find younger women more attractive. Some of you have put words in my mouth about this as I haven’t mentioned younger women at all.

My upset was purely in his response to older women - the ‘eww’, the face pulling and the ‘they’re all old’. The correlation in his mind between older women and ‘eww’ is what I found most upsetting.

The difference is I would be more considered in my response. If he asked me who I found attractive amongst a group of people and I didn’t find any of them so, I’d say ‘none of them, they’re not my type’. I certainly would try and avoid the ‘eww’.

But you’re asking really stupid questions. Why do you get to say stupid things, but he must be considered in response?

It’s not a life or death conversation so I wouldn’t put too much into it and uncertainly wouldn’t be upset. I’d give as good as you get! I’d probably reply along the lines of just as well you think they’re old because none of them would fancy an old man like you anyway! Why do you ask such juvenile questions anyway??? I say lots of things in jest to my husband and he doesn’t get upset or offended because he knows I love him and it’s just banter…I often say that if Henry Cavill knocked on the door for directions, I’m off! 😆 he laughs and says good luck to him! Life’s too short to get worked up over silly stuff like that, you’re adults not teenagers..

You’re entitled to your opinion, I’m sure there would be questions or topics of conversation you have in your life I would feel the same about. Also I don’t ‘keep mentioning questions like that’, it was twice. Thanks for the input though ✌🏻

I think you sound like you have low self esteem. Does he compliment you still? Romance you? It sounds to me like your asking these questions and hoping for some validation “no I only have eyes for you my love” type of thing? Maybe a few marriage counselling sessions may help?

Thanks for your response. It might be difficult for some people to believe, but no, I wasn’t looking for validation. If he replied saying something along the lines of ‘no, I only have eyes for you my love’ I would know for sure he was bs-ing me because he isn’t that kind of guy! Nor am I than kind of woman. It was literally a conversation in the first instance about my friends and the Kelly Brook one was nothing more than a passing comment as she happened to be on tv at that exact moment. Nothing more.

I think you should focus on improving your own self esteem. I'm not sure what answers to your questions you would be happy with.

Ask stupid questions
Get stupid answers…
Are you 13?

The irony.

You asked for insight and you have got it. Whether you like to admit it or not these type of questions come from a place of seeking validation. I wonder if you’re worried about aging yourself. You seem quite defensive too. Just some things to think about. I’d be thinking less about him and more about YOU how are you feeling about yourself, your age, your marriage etc

🤣🤣🤣

Sadly he’s not alone

I think there are a good number of people who find that as people age past a certain point they become less attractive to them. More men than women feel this way, but I've seen quite a few women here say they same thing, that most middle aged men are unattractive to them.

I think it's just one of those things. The same that most people don't find people with bad acne, or teeth, attractive. It's not really fair, it just is. It has nothing to do with thinking they look great themselves.

I don't think that necessarily follows that people feel that way about their spouse, because of course you love them. But even there it sometimes happens that people sometimes stop finding them sexually attractive.

It is a better not to ask for sure.

Maybe one that doesn’t describe women over 40 as ‘ewww’? I think being unimpressed with a husband who’d say that is entirely reasonable. Either way, I don’t think she needs to change herself.

I don't necessarily agree with you but ultimately OP, what do you want from this thread? Did you want everyone to validate your feelings? Did you want everyone to pile on your husband and condemn him as a disgusting pig? There are plenty of posters willing to do so, so focus on those if that's what you want (personally I wouldn't want strangers on the internet talking about someone I love that way but your mileage may vary).

Surely the best thing to do here is forget what he said and how he reacted and move on...and in future avoid asking trivial questions you don't want to know the answer to.

I agree wholeheartedly but I would also say he probably doesnt see you as old. He probably still thinks of you in the same way. Have you asked him?

I mean yeah he needs to stop saying that

I did ask for insight, and there have been hundreds of comments on this thread. I’ve said a few times now that I have read many of the replies I’ve had and I’m going to take away lots of the insights and based on these, I’m going to evaluate how I feel about this situation and how I dealt with it.

Just because I asked for opinions though, it doesn’t mean I have to agree with them all – and that’s OK. That doesn’t mean I’m defensive, I’m allowed to do that. I feel well about myself and my marriage, I don’t feel this is indicative of any kind of bigger problem there.

I don’t need to try to convince anyone that I wasn’t seeking validation - the fact I know that’s not the case is enough. I’m sorry if you’re offended that I don’t agree with your psychoanalysis of me.

"But he didn’t - he said ‘eww… they’re all old’ which I found disrespectful - "

Did he though?

"He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’."

Honesty, you’re doing fine, just ignore the relentless sniping. They do it whatever you say, in fact, if you’re being reasonable, they go after you harder.

How is 43/46 old? Little bit pathetic of him tbh