Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

I wouldn't prioritise 'hospitality' over the wellbeing of children, and I think in this situation, that would be a major concern.

I also agree with @SemperIdem that the boyfriend might well not want to come. I cannot imagine most 24 year olds would want to play happy families with their partner's ex and children, after a few months of dating someone, and when they hadn't intended to spend Christmas together in the first place.

In a new relationship, saying 'oh, your Christmas plans fell through? Come to mine and we'll drink prosecco in bed and it'll be lovely' is one thing. Saying 'come to my ex wife's house, where I spent every family Christmas prior to this one, and see me and my wife with our children'? Eek.

I think this is more about the dickhead exHB thinking how he's like to watch his DC enjoying Christmas snuggled up with his younger lover while his wife is in the kitchen preparing lunch for them all. Just NOOOOOOOOO!

No. You are entitled to have a nice Christmas without having to cater for some side thing and feeling uncomfortable. As a pp said, tell your ex to put his kids first.

You think it’s too soon for separate christmases, I would argue it’s long past time you unmesh from this mess. Why are you still playing happy families? This does not benefit the children how you think it does. Why doesn’t he come over Christmas morning alone to do presents and then you can have a beautiful Christmas afternoon with just your children. He can go be with his child boyfriend.

How are you going to have a nice time brave facing it sat round the dinner table pretending to still be a happy family of four? You can’t serve delusion for lunch. You’re going to feel sad every time you look at him and remember how bittersweet it is. Rip the plaster off. I promise you’ll have a much nicer time sharing it with just the kids and focusing on them and yourself.

If he really wants he can take them in the evening and have them Boxing Day.

I think you've been very polite in saying you'll think about it.

Do you have anywhere else you could go for lunch?

Your kids are so small that they won't really care what the meal is - they'll only want the crackers!

If you want to try and come up with something that works longer term why don't you have Christmas breakfast together? Make that your traditional. Have Christmas tree shaped pancakes or whatever to give it a special feel. Then you still sit down as a family which is the important bit you were trying to preserve, not what you eat.

Open presents, eat something together, he could be gone by 11am and hopefully you have parents or a sibling you could go to by lunchtime.

Edited to say that by together I meant you at the ex (boyfriend gets a lie in) I wasn't suggesting you should host him but realise my wording wasn't very clear!

Tell him the truth: you're trying to keep things amicable for the kids, but this is a step too far and it was unfair to ask you.

If you are uncomfortable, absolutely say no OP, do not be railroaded into doing something that you aren't ready for.. I think it would be too soon for me, especially seeing as he only moved out a few months ago! I think he is cheeky for even asking!

I may be inclined to offer to send a plate of food home for him, but that would be entirely optional depending on how you feel.

Separate Christmases are definitely the future.

If it was a woman he was seeing would he think that was an OK thing to ask of you? I doubt it. Absolutely no from me

If it was a new girlfriend no one - presumably even your ex - would think this is a reasonable request. Too soon, and not sure it would ever be cool.

Ultimately, he wants to spend Christmas lunch with his partner, which is fair enough. It's also fair enough that you don't want him to join you, and it's your home, so your decision.

I don't think this year is too soon to start doing separate Christmases, in fact I don't think you should be trying to have happy family Christmas when he moved out 6 months ago.

In your position I would rather be present the first time that your children celebrate Christmas with their father and his boyfriend and therefore I think this is an opportunity to be seized. Your children have a lot to get used to going forward and the presence of their mother when in the company of their father and his boyfriend will be very supportive.

Not if it makes you feel weird.
Maybe your ex can just pop over for breakfast and open presents with the kids before spending the day with his boyfriend.

It would be a firm 'F**k Off' from me!

First same-sex relationship for your husband, first relationship after a divorce, AND it's been less than a year and a half? I think it was too soon to introduce the children, unless perhaps it was done in a casual "a friend of Daddy's" way rather than as a partner. You can't control that, but you are reasonable and responsible to say no to adding this new partner on to a family Christmas (might be different if your normal Christmas involved inviting a big, assorted group) where you're present, involved, and doing part of the organisation! This is just for the sake of the children, not even getting into your feelings about it. Plus presumably ex's partner is an adult and can handle being alone for a few hours on Christmas Day, or make other plans.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.
I'm sorry, but this is not "as normal as possible".....Daddy has moved out and is dating someone else. Having him over to spend Christmas morning and lunch together is no longer your normal and going to be even more confusing for the kids than if you split the day and time each with them. You need to find your new normal and put the past behind you.

Neither the age nor the sex of the new partner matter. It’s not a reasonable ask.

Here is your script op: "Are ya havin' a larf?

People are entitled to judge a 40-year-old shacking up with a 24-year-old if they like. It's a very large age difference between two people in very different phases of life, with vastly different degrees of life experience.
One is a young gay man of an age to be barely out of university, and the other is a middle-aged man who has two small children and recently divorced his wife, only just coming out of the closet. The age gap is massive.

Luckily, it doesn't have to be OP's problem!

Rubbish
Even if the BF is still around next year him being alone at Christmas for a few hours is not OP's problem

Shame the twat of an ex isn’t putting his children first! How much “co-parenting” do you think this 20yo should be doing of ops toddlers? The ex should put his dc first not his boyfriend

YANBU to say no. You've really got to do what is right for you and your DC, and what you are comfortable with. It's still early days, and your DC are so young.

XH and I had a hideous break up: an OW was in the side lines and it was bloody awful. No way would I have wanted her near me or the DC (who were 5 and 12 at the time)...and definitely not at Xmas. Luckily they split a few months after we split, so I've not had to deal with that. XH and I get along a lot better now, so him spending Xmas with us is fine (but I do have firm boundaries regarding him and drinking). We've both been single since, so I've not had to help navigate the DC with seeing XH with a new partner. So things are a lot simpler for us (me/DC as a family). I am comfortable with XH coming here and seeing the DC, and us hanging out out as a family. It works well for the DC (who are older now). I also get on well with my ex in-laws.

But what works well for me/my family is different from what will work for other families! You do what is best for you OP, whilst you're still trying to process what has happened and find your new "normal". Don't be pushed into doing things that make you uncomfortable.

When my late husband left his first wife (after she finally admitted to having shared a room with a work colleague) they spent Christmas morning with their adult children for a few years: the kids no longer lived at home and made it back for Christmas when they could. (I recall that he told me that he spent the first Christmas on his own. )

Her boyfriend would come over in the afternoon, after spending Christmas with his siblings and after my husband had left.

There is no way that the OP and young children should be subjected to Christmas with a stranger at the table.

Agreed. After I got married, I told my late husband to go up to his ex's Christmas morning to see his adult children. There's no way that I wanted to go - and no way that his ex would have wanted to see me there. (No, I wasn't the OW. The OM used to go to hers for Christmas afternoon.)

It's a no way from me. And it's actually quote cruel to put you in that position to even ask. Surely the reason you agreed on him coming over at all was to have a little piece of normality for the kids. The only people that this will make feel better is him and his boyfriend, not you or the kids and you don't owe him that. Tell him he can come over in the morning by himself if he wants, but if he chooses to be with his boyfriend that's also fine.

And from my experience, the older man is usually earning a lot more than the younger and usually better looking boyfriend.
Young gay men look for sugar daddies just as much as young women.