Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

Your dh is 40 and the boyfriend is 24… eurgh!!

Well yes, we have lots of randoms and strays and people we really like who aren't close family at Christmas. But not the new young lover of my recently ex husband whose own family have chosen to do something else. That is I beg to say, different, from friends of cousins.

That would be a no from me regardless of sex/sexuality.

This would be a firm no from me.

Agree with someone upthread saying why can't your ex pop round, do a few presents and have a mince pie, then he can bugger off with his boyfriend and you can have a nice day with the kids. I'd be annoyed with my ex for introducing a new 'partner' into their lives so soon, tbh, especially as this one is a toyboy who probably won't be sticking around for long.

Just say no, he can be there for his DC, the random stranger cannot. Tell him to sort out his priorities - his DC should be the most important.

Right?? it wouldn’t be okay to bring the new girlfriend. So why the new boyfriend? Cheating is cheating.

Leaving your wife is leaving your wife (even if he didn’t cheat). That doesn’t magically change simply because of one party‘s homosexuality!

Thats incredibly selfish and unkind of your ex husband

Your ex needs to make these choices - not you, yet here is is getting out of making this his choice and leaving it with you to decide

She says she thinks her ex met this guy after they split.

Who knows if that's actually the case but it's not a cert that this is the guy who broke up their marriage.

If they’re living together and he left his family 18 months ago, highly likely he was already seeing him.
sorry op, that’s not why you’re here, but so angry for you at their audacity thinking they can come to you and play happy families!

Absolutely reasonable to keep things stable for the children by being just you two and them. No need to include another person, whatever sex or whatever. You must still be very raw from the events that led up to the end of your marriage, and I really feel for you.

If he'd left you for another woman, would you want her there?

If not, then it's the same if it's a man.

This is the person he cheated on you with, and this is the person who was involved in breaking up your marriage. So NO.

YANBU

Yes.

But leaving your wife is leaving your wife. Homosexuality doesn’t change that…

Most women wouldn’t be expected to extend an invitation to their ex-H‘s new girlfriend / the woman he’s „just“ started seeing after the breakup.

So why would it be different with a man / new boyfriend?

And that's on top of his total cowardice in marrying a woman in the first place.

I am fed up with men who only come out after they marry and have children. It's no longer illegal, he can marry a man, but no, he traps a woman then puts her through this.

Pure cowardice.

No signs he was gay during marriage, and he claims (well claimed in the aftermath) to still be physically attracted to women and is bisexual, but doesn’t ever want to be in a relationship with one again.

Yeah, because he's connived to "get" his DC. Well, at least he didn't use a surrogate, but it looks pretty deliberate.

Bisexual my arse. He just wanted children but without the faff of actual full-time parenting.

Hell would freeze over first. He's taking you for a mug.

I think that breakfast sounds a good idea.

Then you can have a lovely lunch with the kids & he can have lunch with his boyfriend.

Unless that person is your ex husband who instead of being in the trenches with you when you had two very young children prioritised exploring his sexuality.

The whole thing is appalling.

The OP will never know if her ex husband effectively treated her like a surrogate without her consent.

If you want your sexuality to be your business, keep it as your business and don’t marry a woman & then leave her the second you have second child.

But leaving your wife is leaving your wife. Homosexuality doesn’t change that…

Well you'd be hoping that a gay man didn't have a wife to leave...

There's a lot of projecting snd conjecture going on here.
🤔😵‍💫😂

Exactly.

He has quite a nice set up now, a partner living with him & two kids he couldn’t have had without a woman.

Nope. Only one person so far has had the sane experience as the OP.

Thinking the ex isn’t a good guy is no more “projecting” than it is “homophobia”.

"I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch."

I've been stewing about this thread and what annoys me most about it, is how the exHB just doesn't seem to consider or care how how @Christmasissue25 must feel. So incredibly selfish.

And of course he’ll likely to want to Disney dad it…. Nice hols with the kids, fun activities out…
all the handmaidens on here who are urging op to have a “lovely new family time” with him and his boyfriend would likely be enamoured at him for that!!

Even if you take yourself out of the equation, your kids won't know what's go7ng on.
They'll be so confused.
Did your ex not even think of them when he had this brainwave.

I'd say no,your kids have gone through enough.
Let them have this Christmas as normal as you can.
Then from next year,do alternate.

Precisely.

But this man did. A wife he chose to marry, a wife he chose to have two children with and a wife he chose to leave…