Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

Absolutely not. The lack of self awareness is astounding here.

He wants to bring his 24 year old partner to Christmas Dinner 🤯. No, not OK. He shouldn't be introducing anyone new to the children until they seem to be long term ers.

Will he be introducing some new partner next year? No, just no.

His bf is 24? 🤢

He is a massive CF to ask and you sound way too reasonable about the whole thing tbh.

This ….
maybe have practice supper with ex , kids and the BF before big day . I wouldn’t want anyone on their own at Xmas

It’s so awful as a child (I was them) when your parents do stuff like this after separation. It’s so confusing and strange and stops you moving on to create a new family dynamic

Absolutely not.

1. Did he not have an inking he might have been gay before getting married and having children with a woman?

1. His boyfriend isn't 5. I'm sure he can cope foe a few hours on Christmas day.

This might already have been suggested, but can your ExH still come in the morning as planned for presents, but then go home before lunch. Then it’s just you and the kids for lunch and the rest of your day, and he can do whatever with his boyf. Sorry you’re having to deal with such a selfish arse.

Christmas could be everyday Sunday and I still wouldn’t let him join for any of them. Stop being so nice when he blew up your life. He knew he liked men when he married you

FFS !! He knew he liked men before he got married and he didn’t hesitate to blow up their life for a man 16 years his junior. If this had been another woman would you still be suggesting the same thing ? IF BF is now going to be on his own on Chrsitmas day and ex is bothered, then it’s up to him to rearrange his plans to take care of it. Instead of which the lazy git is expecting his ex to accommodate him.

Yep. Agree. And if he can’t that’s not on OP to fix. It’s on her ex to alter his plans to accommodate the circumstances, not to expect OP to just offer up her Christmas as a sacrifice.

Absolutely not. If he asked to bring a new girlfriend what would your answer be? It’s not your responsibility to make sure your ex husbands boyfriend isn’t alone for a few hours Christmas Day.

The boyfriend is 24 he will probably have been up until the small hours partying and be happy to lie in until Daddy gets back after playing happy families!

Why on earth is what her husbands boyfriend doing at Christmas the OPs problem to sort out?! (Other than her selfish prick ex trying to make it be!)

Exactly. OP sounds like she’s being genuinely awesome with the whole situation, but I don’t think many of us could manage to be cool with ex bringing their 24 year old girlfriend to Christmas dinner!

Funny enough I don't think it is ordinary, though. I'm pretty sure most English people didn't have Xmas gatherings of 20-30 ppl who are blood kin + 8 people who married in who you met before.... plus 8-15 random unexpected others, some of whom are blood kin of your blood kin.

One of my cousins has a son (now 18yo) who... no one seems to know who his dad is. Possibly an old friend of the cousin. I have a theory it's one of cousin's friends who came to several Xmas gatherings but cousin simply never said & no one wants to make issue of it.

From what I've seen of British Xmas gatherings, they are very nuclear and controlled and SMALL with near zero randoms. Everyone eats and drinks too much to avoid rowing over shared history and any strangers tend to be viewed as highly disruptive and maybe even entirely unwelcome.

It wasn't totally obvious to me that OP meant her stbxH cheated on her with the boyfriend, felt to me a bit more vague than that in her post.

OP is stuck with this guy as father of her kids forever so it's up to OP what tolerance she can find for his current/future partners. I suppose I'd be thinking about what makes for happy stability for the kids, which may or may not include random (newish) others. If having them around made me unhappy that would = not stable happy day for the kids. Only OP knows how she feels.

Peace and Love x

No woman in their right mind would be minded to invite their ex-husband's toyboy to spend Christmas with their still tiny children at HER home.

It's wrong across the board and anyone suggesting that this poor woman endure more than she has already had to put with, is gaslighting her in the most sadistic manner.

Her ex is a complete misogynist who had two children back to back with OP and claims only then to have realized he was sexually attracted to men.
Her children were only 1 and 2 at the time of his alleged epiphany.

Also, anyone saying that his sexuality is irrelevant is being dishonest.
Of course it's relevant to a straight woman if her husband comes out as gay.
It makes a mockery of their relationship and their marriage.

Sex matters - let's stop pretending it doesn't and that it's homophobic to not be okay with a gay man deceiving a straight woman in order to have his own biological children at her expense.

Why is it that some people think that husband cheating with a man isnt as bad as cheating with another woman?

Is it because Other Man isnt an insult in the same way another woman is? 40's husband leaves for 24 year old woman. = slap in the face for almost 40's wife "what a bastard, take the shit to the cleaners blah blah"

Husband leaves for 24 year old man = "Oh well, he is following his true self. He can't help being gay. You should be kind and inclusive" which implies that if the OP says no she is being homophobic.

FUCK THAT SHIT!

Cheating is cheating. I do not belive for one second that he didnt cheat. Not one teeny tiny nano second. Its not homophobic to say "I do not want your new boyfriend in my home on Xmas day" any more than it is misogynistic to say "I do not want your new girlfriend in my home on Xmas day". And I would argue (as others have) that he didnt just wake up one morning and decided that he is gay, so he lied during their marriage, if not throughout, about his true feelings which a betrayal in itself.

Can anyone honestly say that they would happily invite the OW to their Xmas table because "she will be on her own otherwise"? No they fucking wouldnt.

Cop on.

Just say no. You're in the right.

The end.

Yes. The request is sadistic, the supporters are also being sadistic.

It is absolutely malevolent and downright abusive to suggest the OP tolerates this trampling on her rights and feelings.

She needs to simply say No.

“He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out.” I think the keyword is “after” . As I read it, the Ex H didn’t have an extramarital? Or at least, OP doesn’t seem to be saying that .

Just tell him you've converted to Islam and think homosexuality should be a punishable offence.

You are free to believe in any fairy tale you choose.
I don't believe this man's lies, not for a nano second.
His actions speak louder than his words.
His contempt for his ex-wife is obvious by his desire to rub salt into her wounds by inviting his toyboy to her home on Xmas Day.
He is a callous sadistic B. who used and abused this young woman for his own end.

You are attempting to argue on a technical point - whether or not he cheated on her during her mock marriage. That is a minor detail compared to the deception he carried out pretending to be straight. The man is gay and has known this since puberty. He is 40 and wanted a family so deceived a woman of child-bearing age in order to get what he wanted and very soon thereafter, he had an epiphany - my arse.

Whether he cheated or not is irrelevant given the lies he has told op about who he is.

IF he was bisexual he wouldn’t be ruling out ever having a relationship with another woman, it would remain a possibility. I believe him to be gay, and he has deliberately misled op.

Op could have enjoyed a secure and long lasting marriage to a straight man and had children with him. He has denied her that by lying and misleading her. Now she will always have a messy and difficult family life, and so will the children.

He will have blown her trust in men apart, and he has left her a single parent with two very young children.

He has chosen a boyfriend barely out of adolescence himself, making the dynamics so weird.

I would be incandescent. With the deception about who he pretended to be, and the impact on my own life and that of my dc, rather than caring about the exact timing of when he picked up a kid young enough to be his son.

I would not be playing happy families!!!

Not a chance.

Even if he didn’t cheat which I don’t believe for a second he blindsided the OP by leaving her with a toddler and an infant to raise alone so he could get it on with men. Why the holy hell should he now get to dictate what happens in HER home on Christmas Day to suit him?

Remind me where he has shown any consideration of her feelings? I suppose at least he didn’t just appear on the dooorstep on Christmas morning with toyboy in tow!

I hope OP soon makes her own best decision. x