Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

Good Lord, homophobia? Why bring that up? 😵‍💫

OP and her Ex are apparently civil. She wants to know if it's unreasonable to refuse Ex's new bf for Christmas lunch at hers/their young children's home. That's all. 🤦‍♀️

Of course good old woman will say of course, welcome him. No way.
If he had left you to take up with a sixteen year old plastic filled Floozie would you think twice?

And a wife that he still expects to cook for him, while he plays with his DC, enjoys his Xmas dinner and then disappears off with his new partner while she sorts out over excited DC at bedtime & all the cleaning up after playing happy families. Pah!!! Not on your nelly!

Thier amicable and co parents who are friends but this is weird

I am not the OP, but am going through this too, gay STBExH, young kids, only came out after 10 years together, but cheated and had had sex with men before we got together.

Being used as a surrogate is one of my top fears, that he never really loved me and only married me for my uterus and some companionship till he figured things out. Its a horrible thought, but a very real fear

Maybe a Christmas in the future. But 18 months after coming out? Yeah, nah. I can’t believe he even asked!

Honestly, this is something only you can decide and whatever you decide is your choice.There are so many considerations in this.
Do i think it insensitive for your ex to ask? Yes.
Would you be unreasonable to tell your Ex to FOXTROT OSCAR? No.
But,the bottom line here is what do you feel and what would you prefer for you and your children...

Because it’s been discussed on this thread by a woman who specifically said was stopped from discussing her husband leaving her. It’s used to shut down the conversation. Equally “projecting” is used to shut down conversations because it’s writes off people’s contributions as invalid.

And please don’t face palm me, it’s also an attempt to shut down a discussion. And it’s rude. I can read the OP as well as you can.

Absolutely not. He needs to keep his nonsense away from your house. Cheek of him to ask!

Your ex hand-picked you to be the mother of his children because you are a very nice person.

He, on the other hand, is highly manipulative and selfish as betrayed by his outrageous request to bring his toyboy to your house for dinner you are preparing on Xmas Day.

The speed at which he "came out" after you gave birth to two small children in quick succession is very telling. Was the second child a boy by any chance?
He would have come out after the first child if there was even a modicum of truth in what he has told you. He did not.

He has deprived you of the right to form a family with a man who loved you for who you are, not for what your body can do.

Don't feel any pressure to do what he wants from now on.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

I hope my posts haven’t upset you. Upsetting the OP or adding to anyone else’s distress was never my intention.

I hope you feel supported by this thread.

.

It’s probably a reflection of the kind of loser he was when he was with you (and how he sees you) that he even had the gall to ask. The only acceptable answer here is no.

I agree with you. I think the ex has a MASSIVE cheek asking new BF along and it would be a firm no from me.

Just saying that the OP says there was no cheating as far as she's aware.

Don't think the same applies (looking for sugar daddies) between the two at all.

It's just a lot more common in the gay community. My guess is there isn't that extra desire to be closer in age for the kids, like that of a hetero couple, with a gay couple being unable to procreate. And there much more of that 'much older man attracted to younger man, and vice versa' thing among gay men than would be seen among heteros.

And just on my cousin (since I mentioned him), he is a surgeon, had the grades to go to Oxbridge (chose not to for whatever reason), so despite being mid 20s (when he met his much older partner) he almost certainly would have been a much higher earner. The age and status of a partner just wasn't a consideration.

Oh yeah i was with one of these blokes who suddenly remembered they preferred men after they'd married, had kids and wasted 25 years of my fucking life.

To fuck with that OP, who wants some random they've met once at their family Christmas dinner or to have to cook for their ex husbands toy boy. It would be a firm no from me.

Of course it does, older men want a young cute bloke on their arm and younger men want someone with money and experience, it's a tale as old as time. Your one example doesn't make it any less true.

I do feel supported thank you, I am not trying to take anything away from the OP, but it helping.

You haven't upset me, the fear has been there for months, since my ex came out to be honest, I was wanting to back up what you suggested, that it is a valid fear. Thank you for checking in though.

I don't think my ex is a really bad guy, just careless, thoughtless and selfish. He still treats me like a friend, which is unnerving. It's like we are still in a relationship, albeit a sex free one

Good grief! No… too early, your DH will have to make his own arrangements either his BF.

Absolutely not OP, he is obviously putting himself and his current partner first and giving absolutely no consideration to you or your feelings. I would be withdrawing the entire Christmas offer altogether pulling away and making new traditions with the children.
He is selfish and self serving and no doubt will have a string of boyfriends over the years that will come and go.
I imagine his selfishness was always there, marrying a woman and having children with her while questioning his sexuality is the height of selfish behaviour.
Don't let him continue to derail your life or any more if your Christmases.
You deserve better.

Your ex lied and concealed the truth from you about who and what he was from the very day he met you. Of course he knew, this was not a revelation.

He went into marriage, setting up home and creating children with you, knowing who he was. He then threw a hand grenade into your lives and blew your family apart with his truth.

And I bet you were all lovely about supporting him in finding himself.

(Are you absolutely sure he met his bf after you separated?)

And now here you are expected to bend over backwards to admit not only him into the family he ditched when it suits him, but to admit the bf, whose presence is a reminder of what he did to you.

Stop turning yourself into a pretzel trying to be the good nice kind cool ex.

Set some boundaries and enforce them.

Maybe not true for the case you mention but one of my BIL's brother's came out and actively searched for a sugar daddy in NYC and wasn't shy in saying so.

It's not the point of the thread (sorry @Christmasissue25) but OP's XH was not necessarily unfaithful.

My XH was a similar age when he came out. I think he just really didn't want to be gay, didn't identify with the stereotypes that were around when he was growing up, and genuinely thought he cared about me enough to make it work. Until he just couldn't hide from himself any longer. That's not to say that he didn't then behave appallingly (in my opinion) or that many closeted gay man do cheat on their unsuspecting wives BUT it is not always the case and OP knows her situation better than anyone else on this thread. It doesn't help OP with her current predicament to have loads of people telling her that her XH was "obviously" cheating. It's a possibility. But it's not a given.

If anyone else has been/is in a similar situation and would find it helpful to talk to other people who know what it's like, there is a UK support group. Attaching an image with details - it may not upload immediately.

I wouldn't care about gender but I think the kids are young enough to reset this whole thing. Is it too late to start getting them ready for a split Christmas? If the idea was to keep it 'normal' for another year you'd just putting off the time you could use to restructure the family setup. They are really little and will barely remember this Christmas so a really good time to just start from scratch.

Whoever the new partner it's a big ask to have a full extended happy family scenario when it's all so new so I'd just suggest doing Christmas / Boxing day or Christmas eve / Christmas and starting some new traditions for you and your children.

No you are not unreasonable and it’s rather insensitive of him to have asked. You sound like you managed to navigate a situation that must have been very difficult for you while staying on good terms and prioritizing your children. Well done!! This is your turn now, be good to yourself If you don’t feel comfortable then just refuse. If he ends up not coming to lunch you and your children will still have a lovely stress free day.