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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed by hubby actions

241 replies

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

OP posts:
Noglitterallowed · 04/12/2025 20:21

Him just desperate to know what the gift is! I’m just nosey though!

in answer to your initial question though I think you’re being a little over sensitive and just go along with the surprise and appreciate he’s done a nice thing. If you’ve got access to the money too then maybe do the same and do a little surprise for everyone yourself

Lights22 · 04/12/2025 20:21

FrodoBiggins · 02/12/2025 22:23

Why would your kids thank you both for paying for a meal when it's his money which paid for it?

They should thank you for stuff like doing their clothes washing or whatever but it's a bit mad imo to think they should thank you for his wages!

Because he can only earn this money thanks to his wife doing everything else. It is her salary too.

ALJT · 04/12/2025 20:22

Is it just me who thinks this is lovely of him? I’m sure the kids wouldn’t think it was just off him

Benjithedog · 04/12/2025 20:30

Suednymph · 03/12/2025 19:47

Youngest is 15, what exactly are you doing all day every day? If you got a job you would earn money and contribute to gifts and not have this feeling that you do not contribute financially, your husband demanding you do not work so you can go on holiday at the drop of a hat would have to work around your working holidays and pull his weight at home finally. I think you have it cushy and should be happy he has spoiled all of you but clearly YOU are not happy with your situation so the one way around it would be to go back to work yourself and let hubby and teens help out with the housework instead. Maybe then you may feel more appreciated by them.

I do ‘t think the OP wants to venture back into the workforce.

JillMW · 04/12/2025 20:36

I would be miffed too! It is as if he has decided to take control of gift giving.

Partypants83 · 04/12/2025 20:42

Arlanymor · 02/12/2025 20:59

It's nothing to do with the presents then - it is to do with how you feel about your status in the family given that you don't do a paid job, but you do perform a crucial role. To be fair to all the posters - this is a fairly massive dripfeed and if you had explained this from the start, we all could have understood better.

As I say, this is nothing to do with presents. There is a much bigger issue with how your family - including your children - view your contribution to the household, which doesn't to be financial to be important. Time to address this?

Show quote history

Well said. This.

Libra24 · 04/12/2025 20:45

I think the whole dynamic needs consideration.

Your husband needs to not only speak to his parents but he needs to join you in facing down the way your teens are diminishing you.
I wonder if you stopped doing what you do for them, they would value it more? Suddenly no lifts to school, uniforms washed and appeared in their usual places, suddenly a chore rota - whatever it takes for them to see that your labour is actually visible to them. And as part of the conversation perhaps a nice description of how life would be different of you did go out to work instead of worked in the home.

Either way. It's so disrespectful and you are going to feel like crap because you're letting yourself be treated like crap.

Dust yourself off and make it stop today. I wouldn't care about the thanks from parents to be honest, but I would be disappointed if my husband never once pushed back gently and said, we are both happy to treat you or something similar.
He might be lovely to you but is he lovely about you to others? My husband corrects my mil when she thanks him for a meal I have cooked, it's easy to do ....

ZeldaFighter · 04/12/2025 20:45

I had a mini shouting rant in the kitchen yesterday because my husband made some remark about contributions. We met at our Russell Group University and we both worked full time until kids. Our salaries were virtually equal and then I became a SAHM. I wanted to and we had no family or free childcare opportunities so it would have cost a fortune when the 3 DCs were small.

After 8 years full time parenting, I'm now an 0.8 FTE and he was moaning about helping cook tea. On the day I had been onsite for an 8 hour day with a 2 hour round trip commute.

I told him you lost respect for me when I stopped earning money despite you only progressing your career off my unpaid work in the home. He looked sheepish and muttered. SAHM mums are completely underappreciated and it's a large part of the gender pay gap.

OP, I see you and I hear you. The gifts undermine your contribution, despite the goid intentions. I would speak to him before Christmas Day and explain how this has made you feel.

Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2025 20:49

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:08

Yeah I prob should have put that in the post. I think it’s a genuinely lovely gesture and if our household dynamic was any different it probably wouldn’t bother me. But I already feel invisible, unequal and feel this will amplify this. The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc .
then the other week my hubby was telling out Austic teen off for being really loud on a morning whilst getting ready for college and they said “ only mum was in bed and she isn’t important as she doesn’t work” I know they meant as in I could go back to sleep if I wanted but it’s how it comes across when said. Whenever I have to speak to them about money, if I’ve bought something and they aren’t looking after it for instance, I’m reminded how dad bought it not me. It isn’t constant and it’s kinda done in yesterday but it’s happening enough that over past 4 years it’s worn me down- add his parents to the mix and gradually over the past 4 years they’ve stopped referring to our money as ours and as his and only thank him when we go out for meals if we take them on holiday. The kids always forget to thank us both and just thank him- I feel
petty for reminding them. But it hurts and I feel this will just add to it. My hubby doesn’t view me as less equal a was happy to speak to his parents for me but I feel it will be awkward as I have a really good relationship with them. 2 out of my 3 children are neurodivergent so don’t have much filter. But my hubby is absolutely impulsive and doesn’t think before he speaks of acts sometimes and contributes by making decisions before speaking to me about stuff.

How do you respond when these ingrates speak to and about you like this?

Bowling4soup · 04/12/2025 20:51

I think it doesn't matter if your names on the label or not the kids would still make a comment like “well it says it’s from mum but actually we all know it’s was dad who paid”

I think it’s awful your children all talk down to you like that. Have a stern word that you will not be accepting this any longer

Cakeandcardio · 04/12/2025 21:08

You are getting some harsh comments. I can see why you are miffed. But also, from an impartial perspective, see that he was probably trying to treat you too. I think it would be one of those things that seems annoying now but in a year, would you still be annoyed? If you feel you will be then there's time to change it. If you feel you can accept the kind gesture as it was meant to be and just enjoy the treat then that would also be lovely. I am a (very!) highly strung person and I am trying to let things go a bit more so I know it can be hard when you are annoyed xx

Cakeandcardio · 04/12/2025 21:11

3luckystars · 02/12/2025 21:41

It’s the truth though. You don’t earn any money, I know your husbands money is divided between you but you don’t actually earn any money.

Fuck sake. What an opinion to have.
I am sorry you are driven only by money.

CJsGoldfish · 04/12/2025 21:25

So you poured ALL of your time and effort into your children and ended up with rude, disrespectful human beings who see you as 'less than'? Ouch!

The name on the presents doesn't really mean much at this point because they know it's dad's money anyway, right. That's their takeaway from you being a 'housewife'. Not sure how you can turn that around OP but I'd be focused on that rather than a token name on the card

JLou08 · 04/12/2025 21:25

Sounds like a lovely, thoughtful surprise. Why do you need the glory? Is it not enough that your DC will be happy with the gift?

Usernamenotav · 04/12/2025 21:27

Couldn't read past 'hubby' and 'pressie'

notacooldad · 04/12/2025 21:44

*Usernamenotav · Today 21:27

Couldn't read past 'hubby' and 'pressie
You are being ridiculous. Lots of people use slang.

Did everyone just miss the part about 3 teens? I've yet to meet a teen who still believes in Santa!
Of course they don't. However I still joked with my then teen boys about asking what they want from Santa. Eveyone knew it was me, it was just a joke!

What is up with people tonight?

Kittyloulou · 04/12/2025 21:46

You should at least get a part time job as it doesn’t sound as though you’re being valued at home and a job would give you self esteem. It would also make you a contributor to society rather than just a consumer.

m00rfarm · 04/12/2025 22:01

So go back to work - and then you have your own money.

Benjithedog · 04/12/2025 22:04

Kittyloulou · 04/12/2025 21:46

You should at least get a part time job as it doesn’t sound as though you’re being valued at home and a job would give you self esteem. It would also make you a contributor to society rather than just a consumer.

I don’t think the OP has any intention of doing this

user1492757084 · 04/12/2025 22:06

Your DH needs to step up and correct the teens.

Tell them to not speak or think in such a disrespectful manner about their Mum. State that you are one team together earning the money and keeping the family humming - that you both agree who has which role and that you are both equal in value.

Doesn't your husband respond in a way that shuts his parents down. "Oh, Op is the reason that I can work the hours I do and we both enjoy spending some of our hard earned cash on eating with people we love."

It's a lovely surprise, Op, about the gifts.

Also if you wish to seek employment and your own money, I would keep the job from the children and the inlaws. They have no right to judge you - working or not.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2025 22:06

I would suggest that now is the time that you stop doing their washing and cooking their meals. Stop buying the Xmas presents for his parents. That sort of thing.

Explain to DH how their dismissal of you has made you feel and do it with his knowledge.

This isnt about the gifts, I think that was his attempt to do a nice surprise for the family but it has just further played into how you feel that the family view you.

Give it a couple of weeks and suddenly "mum doesnt work so she isnt important" wont be said anymore.

swingingbytheseat · 04/12/2025 22:09

TheatricalLife · 02/12/2025 20:21

He was trying to be nice and surprise you, obviously. Don't ruin it. Being offended is silly and overly sensitive. He's even labelled them from Santa, it's not like he's playing Billy Big Bollocks.

🤣🤣🤣

lessglittermoremud · 04/12/2025 22:17

People will judge you for choosing to stay at home so that you can fully support your husband and enable to do whatever he wants to.
I think you need to decide you are either happy with how your set up is or given how you are viewed by your own children/relatives and resent not being included in this present giving scenario deep down you might not be quite as happy with it now as you were when the children were smaller.
You are solely reliant on your husband to give you money and despite managing everything household/children related you are really seen as a second class citizen by everyone bar your husband because it suits him to have you at home sorting things out.
If you are happy with your home arrangements then you can’t really complain about this gift giving, he obviously wanted to surprise everyone.
Whilst your set up wouldn’t be for me ( I choose to work part time so I have my own money) your situation shouldn’t be judged, your job has been your family but now it’s unappreciated most of those closest to you and you seem to resent your lack of standing within your own household.
The comments about you be able sleep later if you get woken up because you don’t have to get up to work etc are pretty disrespectful and is probably the tip of the iceberg on how your children view your lack of working, one of my children is autistic and blunt but on my days off he wouldn’t dream of making a racket and then saying it didn’t matter if I got woken up, because he knows I get up and I’m out the house at 7am on the days I do work. Anyone who joked about Dad paying holiday pay, my wages or anything remotely similar would be getting short shrift from me and I’d also expect my DH to point out how much ‘staying at home’ involves.

MaeTeekay14 · 04/12/2025 22:22

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 22:14

What’s stopping me is that I do everything here so my husband can purely concentrate on everything work wise. He works away a lot.
if I went back to work he would be expected to contribute to the housework and he wouldn’t have the time. He has a stressfull demanding job. We are able to go away on holiday every school holiday and weeks in between on our own now they’re older if we choose to. If I went back to work I wouldn’t have that much holiday to do that.
I could very easily go back to work - but financially we don’t need it and our lifestyle would change drastically. I did go back to work for 3 years about 10 years ago and it simply didn’t work for the lifestyle we wanted. He hated the fact we couldn’t go away whenever he wanted and he really doesn’t want me to go back to work.
honest answer- that’s why!

Then you need to stop being so ungrateful and just crack on. You could work but opt not to as your "lifestyle would change drastically"

You're projecting your insecurities on to him which is completely unfair. It's also one of the most first world problems I've heard in my life. There are parents who can't even afford to buy a pair of socks for their kids at Christmas and you're complaining about who's name is written on a flipping tag 😫. Be thankful that's all you have to worry about mate, I'm sure once you're jetting off on one of your 6000 holidays next year, you won't even remember the dreaded big present label saga.....FFS

BarbarasRhabarberba · 04/12/2025 22:22

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 23:53

Thank you. I had never realised just how much people look down their noses at housewives and SAHM.
your right- if I hadn’t stayed home and done what I do we wouldn’t be in this privileged financial position we are in now. My hubby loves to work and I love being a mum. This works for us day to day. With having 2 out of 3 kids neurodivergent it’s not been easy.
the kids don’t seem to see all I do and the sacrifices I’ve made to ensure they had a stable parent at home and weren’t spending majority of time at childminders when we could afford for that not to have to be the case. To ensure I was at every sports day, every school play, able to go into school and help listen to kids read and help out on school trips etc, be there at every school pick up and drop off and be at home when they were sick and every school holidays.
I just hope that although they don’t see it or appreciate it now that as they grow older and mature they do.
I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one. It’s extremely frustrating. Hubby has told them and explained to them whilst we’ve all been there how I contribute and how he couldn’t do what he does without my support and what I do. But it doesn’t seem to sink in. It’s more the subconscious that bothers me. Like forgetting to thank me for stuff we buy together or holidays we pay for as a team. It’s done subconsciously and that’s hurts. I don’t believe his parents do anything nasty. I believe it’s subconscious as we have a great relationship. But somehow the subconscious hurts more than deliberate. He’s offered to deal with them but tbh it would be awkward and wouldn’t actually change their underlying views of subconscious feelings and it hurts knowing subconsciously they feel that way even if they don’t realise they do.
my plan was always to help my kids with their kids if they couldn’t afford or didn’t wanna stay home ( it’s not for everyone ). Inbetween them leaving and having kids just enjoying lots of holidays and spending time with the hubby. He’s a great man and I believe his actions are lovely and from the heart- I just feel large expensive presents should be from both parents and not just one - it’s not so much about the present as the message underneath it.

Show quote history

Well if they’re anything like me they won’t change how they feel. I’m in my 30s and my mum stayed at home till I was in primary school then worked part time on and off in low skilled, badly paid jobs. All I see when I look at my parents is a misogynist twat who can’t boil an egg (dad) and a pitiful idiot who lost any kind of choice and autonomy (mum). I don’t feel an ounce of gratitude or respect towards her for staying home or towards my dad for earning the money. I think that dynamic sets a terrible example tbh of men holding all the financial cards and that wrongly exempting them from household chores and parenting, and women always putting themselves last. If my partner was a SAHP and we had kids in mid-late teens I wouldn’t tolerate that either. But then I’d never think that having a job meant I needed a stay at home servant. You need to go back to work for your own sake.

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