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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed by hubby actions

241 replies

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

OP posts:
Flpiiant · 03/12/2025 19:07

TravelPanic · 03/12/2025 10:35

its definitely not possible to do the hands on care for young kids and have a high-flying job like OP’s DH, yes. You need to be available for early starts, late finishes, weekend/evening work. Can’t be looking after your kid while commuting to Canary Wharf for your 7am meeting!

You either need a stay at home spouse or a full time nanny, (or wrap around nanny plus nursery) which would cost c.£45k per year (nanny salary plus pension contributions, tax etc) so OP’s role is already worth that, plus cleaner and gardener fees.

Show quote history

It definitely is possible, particularly when your youngest child has been at school for 10 years.

Plenty of us manage it and I promise you we don't all need a stay at home spouse to have a successful career.

Flpiiant · 03/12/2025 19:09

Wayk · 03/12/2025 17:07

Kids need their parents more a teenagers for support. If her husband works away the OP is doing dropping/collecting, housework etc.

You'll be shocked to hear that working parents are able to drop off/pick up children and do housework.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2025 19:15

Your children don’t value you.You’re blaming* your husband for this.Your children are rude,entitled and ungrateful. They don’t respect you. I think you should go to work. I think you should* pull back on what you are doing for your children

This!

Nobody in your household appears to value you so I'd stop being a skivvy for a bunch of teenagers/adults. Go and earn yourself some money.

TootsMaHoots · 03/12/2025 19:32

Wayk · 03/12/2025 17:07

Kids need their parents more a teenagers for support. If her husband works away the OP is doing dropping/collecting, housework etc.

But she’s miserable and her teenagers are treating her with contempt.

Suednymph · 03/12/2025 19:47

Youngest is 15, what exactly are you doing all day every day? If you got a job you would earn money and contribute to gifts and not have this feeling that you do not contribute financially, your husband demanding you do not work so you can go on holiday at the drop of a hat would have to work around your working holidays and pull his weight at home finally. I think you have it cushy and should be happy he has spoiled all of you but clearly YOU are not happy with your situation so the one way around it would be to go back to work yourself and let hubby and teens help out with the housework instead. Maybe then you may feel more appreciated by them.

Franklyannoyed · 03/12/2025 20:51

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 22:14

What’s stopping me is that I do everything here so my husband can purely concentrate on everything work wise. He works away a lot.
if I went back to work he would be expected to contribute to the housework and he wouldn’t have the time. He has a stressfull demanding job. We are able to go away on holiday every school holiday and weeks in between on our own now they’re older if we choose to. If I went back to work I wouldn’t have that much holiday to do that.
I could very easily go back to work - but financially we don’t need it and our lifestyle would change drastically. I did go back to work for 3 years about 10 years ago and it simply didn’t work for the lifestyle we wanted. He hated the fact we couldn’t go away whenever he wanted and he really doesn’t want me to go back to work.
honest answer- that’s why!

You can’t be serious, that just sounds like a load of excuses as you don’t want to work, which is fair enough, but just own it and don’t get mad your kids won’t pretend you bought the presents.

HatAndScarf33 · 03/12/2025 20:51

I think too much emphasise has been put on material things and now that’s what they associate as ‘value’. Yes, I think your children should say thank you for gifts and treats etc… but they should also be showing appreciation for actions too. They ask for a drink and you bring them one, that should be acknowledged not just expected. Also getting them to take on some of what you do is important. Not just for preparing them for independence as adults but also so that the things you do become more visible to them and they learn it’s not ‘magic’ that clothes get cleaned, dishes are washed, food put away etc…

It’s not too late to start, in fact I’d argue that they’re at a good age. Use it as a learning experience - where they learn valuable life skills and also grow their understanding of what it takes to run a home. Their respect and appreciation of you will grow and hopefully they won’t undervalue any future partners, should they choose to stay home as you did.

Franklyannoyed · 03/12/2025 21:25

HatAndScarf33 · 03/12/2025 20:51

I think too much emphasise has been put on material things and now that’s what they associate as ‘value’. Yes, I think your children should say thank you for gifts and treats etc… but they should also be showing appreciation for actions too. They ask for a drink and you bring them one, that should be acknowledged not just expected. Also getting them to take on some of what you do is important. Not just for preparing them for independence as adults but also so that the things you do become more visible to them and they learn it’s not ‘magic’ that clothes get cleaned, dishes are washed, food put away etc…

It’s not too late to start, in fact I’d argue that they’re at a good age. Use it as a learning experience - where they learn valuable life skills and also grow their understanding of what it takes to run a home. Their respect and appreciation of you will grow and hopefully they won’t undervalue any future partners, should they choose to stay home as you did.

I’m not sure it’s as simple as that, I think w3 would like to think it is, but I recall speaking to my daughters friends as teens, a couple of them said they didn’t understand why their mums didn’t work. She was always there hovering, wanting to be overly involved, didn’t have much to do, constantly wanting attention, and worst of all wanted to give career advice when their perception was she was the last person to do that, as they’d not worked for decades. It was brutal.

i think we forget sometimes that it’s really not just our kids should be all greatful for the chores being done, they often don’t respect a parent who doesn’t go out and work, when they are expect to go to school, go to uni, get a job, and it’s worse if the house wife /husband is a bit bored and over involves themselves in their kids lives. It’s really important to have your own stuff going on.

and reading the op and her focus on all the small stuff , I do wonder if she just doesn’t have much going on. So sits and stews on stuff. And it is damaging her relationship with her kids, who want basically space.

BaalSatanas · 03/12/2025 21:42

DH is being a dick, possibly thoughtlessly, but still being a dick.

When the presents appear say to the kids “your dad and me thought we each deserved something extra this year”. Say this before they are even opened.

If DH wants to leave them to the end after all other presents are opened, then say “DH, why don’t you bring the other presents out now? Kids, me and your dad thought we all deserved something extra this year. DH they were in your wardrobe last time I checked.”

But given how your kids speak to you, you’d be better off putting theirs in the bin before xmas. Your DH should in fact (in my opinion) be stating that these gifts are from you OP and take no credit for himself (or santa).

brunettemic · 03/12/2025 21:50

All the people on here who complain about their partner and here we have someone complaining when their husband does something nice to surprise everyone. What a place MN is.

RandomUserName96 · 03/12/2025 22:23

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:51

So you class me as less equal because I don’t contribute financially aswell?

I mean, it seems like you clearly do so...

And why cant you go out and get a job? You say you gave up your career etc but you could have been back in work and establishing yours again for many years?

Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2025 22:34

Such a shame that you have given up your career to dedicate all that time to raising three children, but they have turned into such unspeakably rude people.

muggart · 03/12/2025 22:49

Franklyannoyed · 03/12/2025 20:51

You can’t be serious, that just sounds like a load of excuses as you don’t want to work, which is fair enough, but just own it and don’t get mad your kids won’t pretend you bought the presents.

Show quote history

why are you calling them excuses. They are just her reasons. Since they don’t need the money, her DH and her kids would only be adversely affected by her working as it would put more pressure on DH and there would be less adults available for the children. It makes sense and it’s really shitty that they are disrespecting her for this decision which was jointly made by BOTH parents.

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2025 12:07

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 23:53

Thank you. I had never realised just how much people look down their noses at housewives and SAHM.
your right- if I hadn’t stayed home and done what I do we wouldn’t be in this privileged financial position we are in now. My hubby loves to work and I love being a mum. This works for us day to day. With having 2 out of 3 kids neurodivergent it’s not been easy.
the kids don’t seem to see all I do and the sacrifices I’ve made to ensure they had a stable parent at home and weren’t spending majority of time at childminders when we could afford for that not to have to be the case. To ensure I was at every sports day, every school play, able to go into school and help listen to kids read and help out on school trips etc, be there at every school pick up and drop off and be at home when they were sick and every school holidays.
I just hope that although they don’t see it or appreciate it now that as they grow older and mature they do.
I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one. It’s extremely frustrating. Hubby has told them and explained to them whilst we’ve all been there how I contribute and how he couldn’t do what he does without my support and what I do. But it doesn’t seem to sink in. It’s more the subconscious that bothers me. Like forgetting to thank me for stuff we buy together or holidays we pay for as a team. It’s done subconsciously and that’s hurts. I don’t believe his parents do anything nasty. I believe it’s subconscious as we have a great relationship. But somehow the subconscious hurts more than deliberate. He’s offered to deal with them but tbh it would be awkward and wouldn’t actually change their underlying views of subconscious feelings and it hurts knowing subconsciously they feel that way even if they don’t realise they do.
my plan was always to help my kids with their kids if they couldn’t afford or didn’t wanna stay home ( it’s not for everyone ). Inbetween them leaving and having kids just enjoying lots of holidays and spending time with the hubby. He’s a great man and I believe his actions are lovely and from the heart- I just feel large expensive presents should be from both parents and not just one - it’s not so much about the present as the message underneath it.

Show quote history

children are not grateful for parenting nor should they be. You were a good parent but that’s children expectation. Maybe when they are older they will thank you, but you didn’t do for the praise I imagine. Most children don’t thank their parents for coming to sports day!

your teenagers are rude and that should be addressed consistently and especially any rude comments. But don’t conflate how that makes you feel into a conflict with your DH when you know that’s not how he feels or acts.

if you want the hurt to say mum and dad tell him and let him now how you are feeling and that you want to reinforce being a united financial front.

again. Come down on the comment every single time wether they’re in passing or not.

Grammarninja · 04/12/2025 12:31

Change your label to from Santa and then the kids will see it as a present from you both. When kids open their presents, keep saying things like, "we thought you guys deserved it etc."

pinkypoo8 · 04/12/2025 18:04

Get your tense right and stop banging on about peri menopause on everything you sound pathetic really not a good look

OneBookTooMany · 04/12/2025 18:20

How careless of him to put them in a cupboard that has to be pulled out so that you could access the plug while he was away and the door should come open. I mean, what are the chances.

Unwrap them and send them back and then spend the refund money on a lovely spa day, preferably on Christmas Day.

OneBookTooMany · 04/12/2025 18:20

Next year, tell Hubby to find a better Cubby.

Mcoco · 04/12/2025 18:32

I think it was lovely OP that your husband wanted to surprise you all. The fact it says santa on the tag is really sweet and hopefully your husband will say its from both of you. My husband buys gifts for our kids as he travels a lot and buys them surprises throughout the year. He does tell them its from both of us. I work part time and I am able to buy them gifts too just not as luxurious! I personally find part time work a joy in all honesty. I can earn some money and in the afternoon have time for all the mum jobs too!

Tuesdayschild50 · 04/12/2025 18:44

Thank him in front of your kids ... quietly maybe after Xmas speak to him about how this made you feel.
Then speak to your 3 children together and make them understand how important your role is and has been as a their mum.
Tell your husband to tell the kids that they need to get some respect and quit they way they are speaking to you or how they view you.
He told his parents he can tell the kids I wouldn't put up with this.

Missj25 · 04/12/2025 19:10

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 02/12/2025 20:15

Don’t ruin a nice surprise.

Exactly .

Bestfootforward11 · 04/12/2025 20:09

I think re the gifts your DH is just trying to give a nice surprise to everyone, including you and perhaps hasn’t thought through the implications.

But I also think he needs to step up and tell your DC in no uncertain terms that they do not speak to their mother in the way they have been. It is disrespectful and unacceptable. Your DC are developing an internal narrative that work in the home is of little value which will impact them in any future relationships. Your DH needs to be modelling to them how important your contribution to the home is on a daily basis.

RoxyRoo2011 · 04/12/2025 20:15

He did a really thoughtful, wonderful thing. He wanted to surprise you all after a crappy year. I think YABU. You’re annoyed because you want the credit but that’s really not what gifting is about. Just drink in the happiness on Christmas Day.

Wildefish · 04/12/2025 20:18

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

Perhaps he wanted it to be a surprise for you as well as the kids. Also, it was his new job so dies it matter if it comes from him. Just my thoughts it really would bother me.

Scottsy200 · 04/12/2025 20:19

Yeah I’d be pissed too, I guarantee you as a Mum you do the majority of the “mental load” stuff and general chores etc so basically you get to do most of the grunt work which you probably get zero recognition for all year round and now a surprise you discussed giving the kids “together” has been taken from you too. You have every right to be annoyed