To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

[SparklyLimeHair]

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

@Wowwee1234 but being a foster carer isn't the same as being a single parent as a pp articulated - there are so many other aspects that come with taking on that role many of which were developed to help keep children safe and to support their progress which is often significantly behind their peers. I don't disagree that it's sad OP is finding she can't do both or that it's a huge amount to ask of her and I can completely understand why she is finding it too much. As I said in pp - if it was agreed she could become their SGO carer or secure their permeancy through a child arrangement order a number of the statutory requirements would end. However, even then she will still have 3 children in her care who (particularly given their age) are very likely to have experienced significant trauma and therefore experience and present with challenges. These are children who will need better than good enough parenting to help them heal and that is likely to be exhausting for the OP.
Birth parents often have to make choices about balancing their career and children's needs too, especially if that child has more complex needs.

@SparklyLimeHair - I hope you can have some helpful discussions with your social worker and open up to them about how you are feeling and make it a shared issue for you all to solve rather than feeling like you are carrying this on your own.

How are you supposed to live yourself and support 3 kids without a job? If you can't combine the two roles then the kids will have to be looked after by someone else. It's an awful situation but how can anyone manage without a job? It's a totally unrealistic expectation of Social Services when you're without a partner to support you. You'll have no money, no pension and possibly no home either. A life ruined basically.

What happens if you don’t leave your job? Do you have the children taken away? All? Just the 2 year old? What is the result of staying in your career?

Fostering is a job and is paid. It should be paid and expensed in regard to the level of care the children need. I know allowances vary but the OP should have a strong case.

You've got nothing to lose - go as high as you can in the company and tell them your story. CEO, their chief of staff, global head of HR, the board, the non execs, the chair. The whole lot.

If I quit my job I’ll have to work out first if it’s possible to manage on the fostering allowances. I don’t want to give the kids up though so I’m not sure what other option I’m going to have in the end other than quitting my job and finding a way to manage. I need to work out though first if it’s possible to manage on the fostering allowances.

I’d definitely share the conflict with social work teams and get them to accommodate your restrictions to keep you earning well

Oh @SparklyLimeHair I really feel for you.

I think you perhaps need to stop being quite so accommodating. By that I mean tell your company you are on the verge of burn out, this is severely affecting your mental health as you are under acute stress. Make it about your work. How can they accommodate you? Put the onus on them to offer solutions (by ensuring you drop in the correct terms which make them fear lengthy sick leave or a constructive dismissal claim).

Do not in any way present the option of resigning (to them).

Similarly I understand you have to meet certain social work demands but if you say 'I cannot do that, I can do Friday', what realistically are they going to do (hoping someone with social work experience can answer this).
But I cannot imagine they can replace you easily. You are by far the cheapest option and fulfil requirements to keep the children together etc. It would surely have to reach a fairly high threshold before they wouldn't support you in kinship care given you've navigated a whole year.

Basically do you need to present a harder front to everyone in a 'what are you going to do about it's manners. It sounds like you are lovely and asking for help but now you need to start making some demands.

You may still decide to give up your job but don't make it easy for them.

You've also probably done this already but have you checked if any kind of carers network exists in your company? They can be useful in acting on your behalf and raising issues in a more neutral way.

There is a huge reluctance to pay family members fostering payments as it opens the door to vast expenditure when our councils are currently having to make massive cuts to spending

I’m a level 2 (kinship) foster carer to them so I do get the fostering allowances.

kinship social worker here - talk to your supervising social worker and explain. It might feel like the easiest solution right now but it doesn’t sound like the best one for you long term.

with kinship care - social worker involvement does massively reduce and you might feel you’ve put yourself in a financially vulnerable position without support going forward. Ask about all that you are eligible for now V if you were unemployed - get a really clear picture before you feel pushed to make a decision.
Social work meetings should try to accommodate your needs as well - early or late online meetings, transport provided for family time contact, think of any ways your life could be made easier practically and ask for this. Remember you are saving the local authority a lot of money and providing exactly what your nieces and nephew need.

Would your employer consider some parental leave? Look at the maternity/adoption policies and see if there is scope for you to take some time off.

I would say give yourself time to settle and reflect, it’s a huge life adjustment - practically, financially and emotionally and you really need to do what is right for you.

Keep a hand in somehow to your career. I have had to take steps back to look after my kids with SEN but have managed to keep a hand in with part time consulting, training and then going back full time for periods when things were easier.

Op will say that this isn’t possible unfortunately, due to circumstances.

i think @teaandtoastwouldbeniceprobably has the best advice. But from my experience, these meetings do become less frequent. My nephew was older so it was always the plan that he would go into some sort of independent living, but for those first few months it was intense. Having 3 kids must be a massive adjustment - it was for me and I only had the one. I work for the NHS and I’ll be honest; my employer was massively flexible but i did insist that all meetings were either first or last thing. Simple “check-in” calls I did over teams so i just scheduled this in my diary as I work from home anyway.

I know you’ve explored many options with your employer but I’d try the HR department or even involve the union. It’s an incredibly stressful time and I’d have been devastated to have given up my job. They clearly value you if they won’t allow you to drop your hours, so I’d be putting it to them how they would feel if you quit - what would they rather have?

Gosh they have got you over a barrel!

Dont be soft or fooled into thinking you have to bend over backwards to accommodate the needs of the SWs

Do you realise you are saving them hundreds of thousands a pounds a year by looking after these children

You should be clear that you want to remain in your role and ask how they can assist with that given the current challenges you are facing

As a pp said they can certainly assist with contact centre drop offs etc and also you can ask for meetings to be later in the day and it’s totally fine to say you need them to be on your day off

If they can sense you are weak or clueless they will not bend

Also as the children have managed well with you working this long they’ll be just fine if you continue to do so

you say you are not able to hire a nanny, well you could probably do with a mothers help/housekeeper

someone to assist with cleaning, chores, drop offs etc

theres plenty agencies who will offer these staff with Enhanced crb checks

A nanny isn’t an option unfortunately.

Have you considered requesting parental leave? I believe it applies if you have legal responsibility for a child. You can request four weeks unpaid leave per year, per child. Maybe before deciding to resign, apply for 12 weeks (4 weeks per child). It may give you some space to get caught up, see how you manage financially, see how much you miss / don’t miss your job, before making the decision to resign.

www.acas.org.uk/parental-leave

@SparklyLimeHair one more thing on work benefits - couple of friends had firms with long term sick insurance, and drew half salaries for years that the insurance paid. It’s really work considering. I know as a high flier this won’t be your style (both friends were too but forced into it by circs).

fwiw - I’d kick it as far as I could in the org too, and make it clear that you’re in a tough spot but in two to three years you’ll likely be on top of all of this and we’ll able to commit again to work. I assume you’ve got a number of years under your belt with the firm…even a commitment that they’d interview you for anything vaguely suitable in a few years might be something.

Bloody hell. Nothing further to add. Just wanted to say you are amazing. To unexpectedly take on 3 kids. I have 3 and know how hard it is and i had mine one at a time. And I didn't work. You are doing something very special for the children
I hope you find a way to take a sabbatical. Good luck.

@SparklyLimeHair, I do feel for you here. What a difficult situation.

I don’t want to offer any advice, I just wanted to share that this happened to a colleague of mine. I don’t think she was as senior as you, she was a lawyer with a full time case load though.

She did end up quitting to care for her nieces after her sister died. Like you, she tried to juggle but it was too much. I would say my employer was more supportive than yours but at the end of the day we are running a business.

I heard on the grapevine she is now working again but part time in a lower stress job. It took her a few years to get back into work though.

I’m not sure how helpful that is but I wanted you to know you aren’t alone in finding this a very hard balance.

What a heartless way to speak about a real child, who is the OP’s family and she has loved and cared for the past year.

It really isn’t this simple in the real world.

Many children who are in care find family time incredibly distressing and difficult to manage emotionally. OP is their safe person - you can’t just pop them in a taxi and expect them to manage - they don’t just need transporting - they need HER.

Likewise all the suggestions of nanny’s, helpers etc. The children need OP, as their consistent attachment figure, who they can learn to trust and rely upon to meet their needs always no matter how bad a day they’ve had. An employed care giver could walk away at any moment and that would be so damaging to children who have had the trauma and loss of most children in care.

And it’s all very well saying insist it’s on your day off - but there are umpteen other professionals diaries to also work around and they will have court hearings they have to attend, their own non-working days, 20 other children’s carers and meetings.
What about mandatory training - should they run a 1-1 session on Fridays for OP, when they provide it for a group on Monday? It just isn’t realistic sadly.
OP should absolutely be making clear to them how hard things are and asking for help to make it work - but there also has to be some reality about the situation. The SWs aren’t just sitting in the office drinking tea all day on her day off to make her life more difficult.

I think that you’re right that balancing the two things isn’t going to be possible long-term, and that the longer you do it the more chance there is of you getting burnt out to the point that you can’t do either well.

I’d start by taking some time away from work to have a good think. This could be sick leave or unpaid parental leave or holiday. Just give yourself permission to use that time to look at options.

It sounds like you are relatively senior and so I’m wondering whether some sort of freelance/consulting role would suit you better than an official 4-days-per-week? Is there any part of your role that is niche enough that you could offer to continue to do it for the company? Charge about 50 percent more per hour than your current salary, and offer the same to a few other organisations. Only charge for the hours you work so you can do 9-11 social work meeting, 11-3 work, 3 onwards with the kids.

Alternatively pp have suggested looking at new part time roles and I think that’s very sensible. If you were on 2 days a week it would be a lot easier to push back against social work meetings those days, and also much easier to ask your employer to swap your days. Charity is a good suggestion for an area for looking for this.

OP does not have parental responsibility for the children so isn’t eligible for parental leave.

I would gently suggest that the stress of very little money will likely be far worse than the stress you are currently under. In your position I would prioritise your job over SS meetings and only attend is you are not working. SS should be supporting you far better.