To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

[SparklyLimeHair]

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

Fair enough. I work in social services but not in fostering, so I wasn't sure if an advocate might be useful here. Thank you for explaining that unfortunately they wouldn't be. I do think it might help to have someone on your side though? Op sounds very isolated and under a lot of pressure...

I think maybe even a few meetings being attended by someone else relevant would have been helpful, but if the requirements of being a level 2 foster carer are this high, and there's no other way she can keep the children, (eg SGO) and she absolutely does not want to lose them to another placement, all of which are understandable, then it sounds like either her work needs to be truly flexible or she needs to quit and get a new job.

@JeannetteBlue fair enough, and the other very frustrating part is that advocates are usually only available to adults on a disability basis (ie under community care act) and the remit is very small, eg they'll help someone communicate but don't argue their case, or have they knowledge to do so. I have so many parents who would benefit from an advocate attending with them but there is no provision outside of that statutory duty (at least in the LAs I've worked in). Though yeah, the foster carers input is important and not something that can be replaced. Foster carers have a supervising social worker who should attend meetings (not always, but usually more si for kinship and newer carers) and could attend in their place occasionally, or the social worker can hold a split meeting and talk to the FC on a visit, but that's meant to be an exception rather than the rule.

OP, I think you are getting a really hard time from people hear who don’t understand your reality.

You have done an incredible thing for your family.
The current reality is that yes you are probably right, a senior role with an inflexible employer is not going to be sustainable for you. You are going to burn yourself out and be in a worse place emotionally to care for the children who need you. You can’t reduce the number of meetings and you can’t force your employer to be flexible.

I wonder if maybe you need permission to feel like it’s ok to walk away from a career you’ve worked hard for. It is absolutely ok OP - because the children you love need you, and it’s ok for that to be the priority.

In your shoes, I would make the priority written communication with the LA about what financial package they will support you with when you stop work. Seek support and advice from Kinship or the Family Rights Group.
I really wouldn’t go nuclear with the LA like some are suggesting - you are going to have to continue working with them for the next 16 years potentially.

I will speak to ACAS today but I think the only option left is to quit my job.

Ask the LA how you working and doing all the ongoing training etc was expected to be managed when the planning for the placement was done. They must have considered that? What does it say? Point out that they are setting you up to fail and they do not want the placement to break down.

Also if SGO is not on the cards is that because the children returning to parents is expected? You don't have to answer of course but just consider for yourself how will you be fixed if you leave the job market now then in a few years time the children have gone back? You need to think about yourself in the long term as well as how things are now. If these DC aren't expected to stay with you ongoing you could really be left in trouble with no job, no FC income, less pension and a hole in your CV

Please please please find a proper employment lawyer.

@Hibernatingtilspringyour perspective is fascinating. You said that people would not normally be approved as foster carers if they intended to work full time in a job like OP’s. Are you able to shed any light on how OP might have ended up in this position, having been approved as a kinship carer but nobody discussing with her in advance how it would be almost impossible to continue working? Also, does the placement really not take into account that a higher earner can give the children a better life?

I’m really sorry things are so difficult for you OP. You need to go to the doctor and get signed off. I know it doesn’t solve your long term problem, but you are so mired down with everything that you can’t see your short term issue is that you are close to burn out.

Take some sick leave, take a breather, enjoy Christmas with the children and spend some time working out the financial implications.

I know the issues you are facing won’t change but hopefully your capacity to make big decisions will with a bit of space and time

just a thought - I have a client facing role and wouldn’t just be able to not do the work required as it directly impacts appointments. So the fact that your employer has tolerated you not being able to meet your contracted hours, does show some flexibility?
In any case, you sound very stressed and could be close to burnout. Get yourself signed off sick

@SparklyLimeHair the benefit of going off sick if you have 6 months full pay is savings - reduce outgoings to what you’ll have post quitting, see if you can manage and save. I assume your firm doesn’t have long term sickness insurance?

I’ve got my GP to sign me off from work today whilst I work out if I’m going to quit my job or not.

People who seek to become foster carers in a planned way do all their assessments before they are allowed to accept any children. In many cases, they would be asked to start off with respite or short term care to see how many manage before they would take a child for a long term placement. Of course, sometimes short term placements unexpectedly become long term, but usually it's a gradual move into it.

People usually become kinship carers in an emergency situation. So a very brief check to see if a child can go there that night, then a temporary approval for up to 16 weeks, and then fostering panel. During that 16 weeks there's an intense, in depth assessment to go through what it requires, what it means, for the FC to reflect on their own life and this possible life shift. Many temporary kinship carers aren't approved for long term after that 16 weeks because they can't commit to it - it's a huge undertaking - and there's no criticism if that's the case, but it would mean seeking a new foster carer. So there's rarely any opportunity for the kinship carers to plan their lives in advance, but expectation that they adapt their lifestyle over time. I'm not sure why you'd assume that no one would have spoken to the OP about this, that's a pretty strange take and a quick Google would have saved you the embarrassment but there you go.

Kinship care isn't about social engineering to place children with high earners. Someone's finances would be taken into account to see if it's sustainable, but the priority is can they meet the children's needs. Which for children who have experienced trauma and been separated from parents, is stability, time, nurture. The reality is that high earners often have high pressure, long hours, high commitments to the job. Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't lend itself to being emotionally available to traumatised children, and having a savings account or the potential to pay for university doesn't make up for that. It also doesn't help the carer to try and split themselves in two.

No.

@SparklyLimeHair with kindness I think you are understandably not in the best mental health at the moment.
It’s so hard to make decisions when you are so overwhelmed so I am really happy you have been signed off sick.

Don’t make any decisions this week- just breathe and take a minute. Does your company have private health cover or an employee assistance plan? If so these are both good ways to access counselling which I think would be useful for you to work out your next steps.

Good. You need space to make the right decision and hopefully any back to work procedures will provide another opportunity for you to set all of this out in formal channels.

I don't think anyone here is saying don't quit your job. More don't do it before you've exhausted all options.

It's very hard to get a part time professional job. Much easier to reduce hours/ make a sideways move in a company you are already with. This is the main reason I would be wary of jumping too soon.

It's clearly not working for anyone with the contractual hours you currently have. But you are not demanding to work full time and would also be open to a change in your role/sharing responsibilities.

The onus is on them to demonstrate it's not possible.

Take some time and see where you are at in January. The potential for a long term sickness absence may make your employer reconsider things.

Up until now you've just about been managing everything so everyone has left you to it as the best of the options for them - but not for you.

Well done OP. Now don’t make any big decisions this week. Try and relax and let your nervous system get out of flight/fight mode so you can think clearly. Could you try and do something relaxing for yourself one day this week whilst the children are at school? A massage or a haircut or something?

@SparklyLimeHairglad to hear you have got yourself some breathing space.
@Hibernatingtilspring thank you for answering my question, though not sure why you felt the need to be rude and suggest that I embarrassed myself. Apologies that I appear to have inadvertently rubbed you up the wrong way. It’s self-evident by the very fact that OP is posting here now worried about having to give up her job that this was not discussed in detail with her in advance.

I’ve spoken to an employment lawyer who has said I don’t have a case against my employer.

Have you spoken to Social Services about arranging meetings at times which are actually convenient to you? After all, you are doing them a massive favour, so you're entitled to expect them to take your obligations into account as well as their own convenience.

This has been done to death on this thread. Fostering comes with commitments, and the OP is paid by social services to meet those commitments. They can't be restricted to a specific day.
The op has already shared that there are reasons why she can't go for other options that require less commitment.

Sorry to hear that, that's really poor that employers can still treat parents in this way. I thought things had got better for people needing to work part time for childcare.

@HibernatingtilspringOP is still employed despite not doing her contracted hours and I assume not doing all of her work for 18 months!
have you put a formal flexible working request? Or do you feel it is not worth it as they definitely won’t go for it?

This illustrates all that’s wrong with the current regime. You’d get more foster parents from a wider social and financial demographic if it wasn’t necessary to give up all hope of a career and financial stability to do it!

Cared for children have enough disadvantages without placement with non aspirational non working people. What would their prospects be if fostered by doctors, lawyers, pharmacists, scientists, business people with money for therapy, tutoring, good quality of life? And living in areas with good schools or able to pay for independent education?

The current system isn’t working. Cared for kids are statistically more likely to end up pregnant very young or in jail than at university.

You really don’t understand the needs of kids in the care system. They often need a very consistent routine and carers, they often can’t just access formal childcare because they can’t tolerate it, they often have multiple meetings and health appointments. In my experience the vast majority of adoptive parent either reduce their working hours or stop work entirely for a time. Cared for kids need consistency and attachment and that requires presence.

And the existing system is working so well is it? Great outcomes for the kids?