To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

[SparklyLimeHair]

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

My experience with SS is entirely at the other end - dealing with elderly people - so that’s a huge caveat. But my advice to you would be to play hardball. Your posts are full of “they won’t”, “that won’t work”. In your position, I would tell them exactly what you will do. If that’s all meetings on your day off, then that’s what you lay down. In my experience, social services are the most manipulative organisation I have ever come across. They have the “oh - but how are you?” patter, but ultimately, they do not give a shit about you, your life - or anything other than getting those kids off their books and into a decent solution. And they’ll play on your love and familiial loyalty to get that done at their convenience. But you hold all the cards here, because you are the best solution. So tell them - coldly and unequivocally- what you will and won’t do. Any pushback and you have to say “ah - well then that won’t work and you’ll need to find another option”.

I know I sound awful - but I’ve had first hand experience of this with my own mother. And it is hard because you do end up sounding like a bitch but these people are not on your side. My friend got to the point where she had to tell them she would make her elderly mother homeless if things didn’t change. And of course, as soon as she said that, they did, because it would be a lot more cost and hassle to find a local authority home for a dementia patient than to send in carers once a week as she’d asked for for years. I suspect yours is a similar situation in that respect.

You sound like a magnificent woman and I wish you and your family the very best of luck with it all.

If you do end up leaving, I'd suggest you set up self employed / freelance to do bits and pieces to keep your hand in and avoid gaps in your cv

OP I am in awe of you and also shocked by your situation. How many meetings do you actually need to have with SS? I’m suprised it is so many after a year!

I’n not underestimating the challenges of fostering 3. But from the perspective of an adopter, we got minimal support and that seems to be typical. They should be doing everything they can to make things easier for you, not harder.

The SW making judgmental comments about most fosterers not having other jobs may be the case, but they likely have made more active choices rather than an unexpected kinship situation arising.

Apologies for the addition to my a ready long winded post above. But someone upthread mentioned writing to your MP. I think that’s a decent bet. But I wouldn’t focus on an inflexible employer - harsh though it sounds, ultimately they’re a private business and your family situation isn’t their concern. But social services are publicly funded. And there’s no way that someone in your position, who is stepping up to take care of others (and let’s face it, this will save the public purse a lot of money) should be put in a position by social services where she is unable to keep her job. I think that’s the line to take (and they’re the people who are likely to jump with an MP’s letter across their desk).

Presumably you’ve had to attend LAC reviews where all these concerns about how you’re managing will have been brought up? What have they concluded?

This. You are doing an amazing job at every level and you have to prioritise yourself too. The financial impact on the children and yourself long term will be significant. You need to keep your job. This is a short phase when children are young...its over in a flash. You will be able to provide them with a very different future with money behind you. There has to be a solution here. You are amazing.

The supervising social worker is coming this morning so I’ll speak to her again and see what she says too.

Yes I have raised this with social services previously.

OP, would your company be open to a constructive dismissal claim by not facilitating you?

Have you spoken to ACAC about this, or lodging a Grievance with the company?

I really think giving up a career you love is a lot.
You need legal advice.

I will look in to legal advice too but I don’t really see what options I have left. It’s starting to feel like it would either be my job or fostering, and I wouldn’t give up fostering so that means I’d have to quit my job. The supervising social worker should be here in a minute so I’m going to speak to her too.

Maybe if you gave the SW some push back about them making your life difficult >> impossible and putting the onus back on them to come up with solutions so that you can manage all of your obligations.

Longer term, it is in the children’s best interest to stay with you. Therefore SW has to find a way to help make that happen: do the children also attend the meetings?

Is the IRO not concerned?

First is to ensure that all communications with SS are in writing preferably sent by registered post or backed up email copies to folder. Make sure you also write and send them a summary of all verbatim face to face communications / chats.

Tell them that you won’t be giving up your job as in your judgement your career is necessary for your own wellbeing and financial security and that of the children you’re now responsible for. Tell SS when and how often you will be available for meetings and say you won’t be able to accommodate their requirements outside that. As you’re now responsible for children as a single parent they’ll appreciate that you need to reserve some employer goodwill for being off when the children are ill etc.

Can you afford a good nanny? You need someone who can look after the children when mildly ill and will give you some flexibility. Additionally what about an older teen, student or aspiring primary school teacher neighbour’s child / other contact. They can be very useful after school as help to pick kids up from school and assist with homework or kick a ball around in garden even a couple of days a week. A babysitter who becomes a familiar face to the kids is very valuable. Have plans a, b and c in place as soon as possible.

It may be worth bearing in mind that the threshold for removing children even from very neglectful homes is very high. So SS may be cross that you won’t give everything up to fit in with their requirements or timetable but it seem highly unlikely to me that you pushing back will result in you losing custody - certainly not without warning.

As others have said, take advice from relevant charities / people in similar position but don’t be bullied into sacrificing your future. In my view it’s better for the kids to be brought up by a working woman in a good career than on benefits. Certain better for you

The thing is, once you've decided that the job will need to go, it oddly puts you in a stronger position.

What do you have to lose by playing hardball with them? Take a week off sick if you need to in order to see how you really feel without the stress you are currently under.

Start making a paper trail. Decide what you want. Is it a step down and fewer hours. If so then fill out and submit a flexible working request.

You sound like an asset to them. Fine, you may not be able to do your current role but don't let them off the hook completely. Negotiation is easier when you are not worried if you lose! Push hard and if that doesn't work you still walk away with nothing lost.

I think you do need some work for you. It is important to retain a sense of self beyond parenthood.

Why does the hardball have to be with your employer and not SS / the state who are being saved an enormous headache by having a suitable and loving kinship carer step up?

Sure look for a more flexible job if it suits you at your leisure, but don’t sacrifice yourself now.

The MP will do absolutely sod all.

I meant speak to ACAS.
I agree with playing hardball with them.
You have nothing to lose.

3 children are very costly, of course you have to consider the salary, housing and pension implications for yourself in all of this.

Getting signed out sick with stress would be a good start.

I think you need to play serious hardball with SS while you can.

How many meetings are you talking about?
Surely even if its weekly, you can do on your day off?

I agree with this.

I'd also plan meticulously from a financial point of view. You have years ahead of caring ahead of you and it's harder to get back into work once you leave. So exit is good. But you also need a plan (timeframe and a story) to get back into work.

I have found teen years deffo labour and emotionally intensive and you are about to hit that time.

Such a sad situation and an amazing thing you are doing.

How do you currently care for the 2 year-old though? You’ve said a nanny is not an option so does she go to nursery?

I would not give up the job. can you make do using a combination of annual leave, unpaid parental leave, sick days and your 5th day until the meetings are less frequent? Your work are being inflexible, I wouldn't go until I was forced out, and then at that stage I'd get an employment lawyer involved.

Yes she goes to nursery.

So I’ve spoken to my supervising social worker and we have discussed it and I’ve also said that I will raise it in the other meeting that we have this Friday. I’m not sure if she listened to me properly and fully understood though (at times it felt like she was listening and understood and was supportive and at times it felt like she didn’t understand or listen properly and wasn’t supportive) because she did say again that “a lot of foster carers don’t work alongside fostering” but I will just have to see what they say in the meeting this Friday when I raise it again and keep on raising it with my supervising social worker and the children’s social worker too. I do still feel like I’m going to end up having to quit my job even though I don’t want to.

Have you created a paper trail of what you want to happen so that you can do both?
You need to email SS the minutes of your conversation today, what you want, what has been agreed, what needs to happen so you can have the child and work.
Do they want you to have the children, or would they prefer them in the system?

Lots of women work with children.
I think you are giving up to much sacrificing your career.
Its too much.

You may need a papertrail to help with your work situation.

Get on to ACAS to see what your rights are.
Go out sick for a few weeks whilst you get your head together.

What I find very surprising is that one would presume that part of the decision-making process in placing the children with you would have been your financial situation and ability to provide a comfortable life for them.
Yet now social services seem hugely unbothered about the prospect of a massive drop in your income. How does that make sense?