To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

[SparklyLimeHair]

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

@SparklyLimeHair I wonder if these people could guide and advise before the ssw visits tomorrow?

OP, I have no words of wisdom but I think you amazing for rescuing your nieces & nephew & am astounded by the lack of help you are getting from your employer & SS, actually more than that disgusted.
Im sending you hugs best wishes & hope your lot in life improves.
Is it worth writing to your MP &/or the press?
Also do you have income protection at work could you potentially speak to a sympathetic doctor who could sign you off with stress for a year. (. Not playing the system you must be stressed to eyeballs)
Not a long term solution but some breathing space potentially……💕💖💚♥️

In your position and in a global company, I’d probably jump over heads and maybe find a Non Exec Director on the Board who may listen. Certainly you need to comb through the policies and procedures to find something that might indicate they would support you. Most companies want to have ‘outwardly’ a good image on equality, diversity etc and you may be able to benefit from that.

@SparklyLimeHair it is also ok if you can't do this. It is such a huge commitment to take on, you are not 'just parenting' 3 children you are meeting the complex needs of young children who have likely experienced significant trauma. I think you need to be really open and honest with your social worker about how you feel and that you feel close to breaking point. They need to wrap support around you if you do want to sustain caring for the children. If you felt it was unsustainable the other thing you could speak to the local authority about is whether they would consider a shared care arrangement, where the children are in mainstream foster care and with you say for weekends and holidays etc - it's not typical but may authorities are becoming more flexible and may consider and this could allow you to sustain your job. It all starts with opening up and asking for help to thing together about what you can do.

And yes for other posters sadly being a foster carer does come with significant requirements it's why it's often people's full time job. I can see you've said you can't look at SGO or a child arrangement order at this point and understandable don't feel able to share why - but obviously if you did progress to that it may become more sustainable to maintain your career.

Is there no one in the family (either mum or dad's side) who could foster the kids and you have them on weekends?

I would want to ask SS why they are placing so much burden on you at the risk of losing a kinship foster parent for 3 kids.

Op you are doing an amazing job.
I would hire some help, choose someone older and very motherly. Insist all meetings have to be conducted on your day off, and try and see where that takes you. All Cleaning, laundry and cooking even should be outsourced.

The other option might be to move to another company and ensure it builds in at least a six month break. So you can get everything lined up and support the dc. Is that an option?

I appreciate advice like this is well meaning… but if you don’t know anything about social care or fostering it really isn’t helpful.

You absolutely can’t hire someone to go and discuss the intimate and complex needs of the children you are caring for on your behalf - or to undertake the training in safe care, attachment, trauma…
Social Workers aren’t just making the OP do these things for their own entertainment - they are legal requirements.

You also can’t just hire a nanny for children who have likely experienced significant trauma and loss and will still be working hard - even after a year - to recognise OP as their safe and consistent attachment figure.

OP, I wish I had an answer for you. Like the other poster above with professional experience, I do know of families who have been able to negotiate significant financial packages. I would also consider asking for a placement stability meeting to set out the demands of the children’s social worker, your social worker, the IRO, PEP meetings, health assessments, the family time plan etc etc and how they can work together to streamline this for you - but I can see it would be running uphill through treacle and I guess you have to balance how much energy you have available to give to that battle.

I so wish your employer would get more on board with allowing you a substantial period of leave - I think there’s lots of benefits for your identity, your pension, your long term prospects. But if it’s not going to happen, you need to try and get the absolute best deal you can from the LA.

Out of curiosity, why do you say it’s impossible to hold down a four day a week job while caring for three children? Lots of single parents do it. No way am I saying it’s easy, but it’s possible. Why isn’t the social care system working hard to facilitate the OP being able to do that? Which BTW means she is paying tax rather than having to be solely taxpayer funded, even leaving aside that the OP doesn’t WANT to give up her job just because she is also doing this amazing thing for the children?

As much as I love my job and don’t want to quit it, I would rather quit my job over the kids going in to mainstream foster care to be honest. But I love my job and would like to keep my job too but I just don’t think it’s possible to both keep my job and foster.

It's easy for me to say obviously, but I simply cannot believe a big corp would want the bad publicity that would ensue 'I fostered my sisters 3 kids, and Glaxo refused to give me foster leave or any flexibility and now we all live on benefits' says the Daily Mail double spreader (the DM pay quite well by the way, so keep that in mind).

Re social services, most foster carers might not work, but you do, so they have to fit around you unless their goal is to put these kids into the breadline. I do know SS will be tougher, and I agree all in one day not always possible, but I do think that people only change when you make them - and our SS system for all it's many virtues, does not tend to be staffed by dynamic change makers - if they can plod along following the system, they will.

You've done a great thing, but to preserve your life you do need to discover your inner bitch, and get some help to push back,

But I do know that it's easy for me to say...

Yes because you quitting is going to be a direct large cost to your future that only you pay, whilst saving the state a fortune, and of course being better for those children. re hiring help - there are carers for dc with complex needs, a family member
does this so although it’s harder, it’s not impossible to get someone to help with care. I accept they can’t do the meetings.

after all, if op didn’t do it, they’d pay someone else.

I know a previous poster suggested it but telling social services that all meetings need to be on my day off won’t work either unfortunately. It’s so difficult

I would start looking for senior roles in the charity sector. They’d love your global exposure and working is usually much more flexible.

There are grey areas here OP, I’m not sure it’s a case of your job or no job. The pay may be less but could still be decent plus your foster allowance.

You’re doing an amazing thing for these kids. I take my hat off to you, especially as you’re navigating parenthood for the first time on top of everything.

In your position I'd look for another role at a more flexible company. There are companies that would allow more flexibility, even if you have to take a step down you'll be in a good position to step back up again when things calm down. You'll be better off financially now, but also a lot better placed to get back where you need to when you're ready

This happened where I work. Our company originally denied my colleague any adoption leave as she hadn’t formally adopted her niece. She kept pushing, used the Kinship charity for information and sent the CEO of our company a big long email about what she had been through and why they should give her some paid leave. They have now agreed three months off on full pay - better than nothing. I would try rattling the cage with your CEO/HR a bit more to see if there is absolutely no chance of any more flexible working or paid leave. Failing that, take unpaid parental leave for a month and consider your options. I’m sorry this has happened to you and what a wonderful thing you are doing. I was shocked to find out how low kinship allowance is. Good luck.

Fostering is not just parenting - there is so much more on top of all the other things parents do.
A non-exhaustive list might include…

1. Statuatory visits from the children’s social worker - could be as little as every 3 months, but likely every 4-6 weeks - and more if there are additional needs.
2. Child in care review meetings - 2-4 times a year, will require OP to attend, to talk to people before hand, to read reports so she is prepared, a visit from the review chair to the children
3. Visits from OP’s fostering social worker for supervision
4. Facilitating additional support for the children like play therapy sessions, life story work, CAMHS appointments
5. An array of compulsory training
6. Facilitating time for the children with their parents - this could mean just driving them, or could mean fully supervising this herself to make sure it’s safe
7. Termly education meetings for each child
8. Keeping and submitting regular written logs about her care of the children
9. Filling in and submitting expenses forms

Alongside the reality that most children in care have much higher levels of need than the “average” child because of their lived experiences.

Gosh OP, what a difficult situation. I agree with PP who suggested that perhaps going to the press with this might be a way to put pressure on your employer, though I can understand why you might be reluctant to take that route.

I am also a head of department in a global company. Honestly, I would be reviewing your sickness policy. What period will they pay you your salary for? If they are being inflexible, and there is policy for you to be paid, I would seriously consider stress leave to allow you more breathing room.

What you are doing is really selfless, I am sorry that you are having to juggle so much and not receiving any compassion.

If you are going to leave any way you may as well take this to the very top. Stop at nothing. There is no reason at all why they can’t support you.

@SummerInSun this is a pompous and thoughtless comment. Parenting your own three children cannot compare to having three children just appear in your life - you didn’t ask for it, they didn’t ask for it and they could be traumatised by whatever led them there. My colleague certainly didn’t plan on becoming an instant parent to a toddler and it has brought innumerable challenges.

@SparklyLimeHair I remember you posting a while back, I think when the children were about to come to you. And I think I said gently then that a high powered job and three Foster children was going to be almost impossible to combine.
If all the meetings are the main issue, could you insist that those take place only on your weekly day off? Tbh if the choice for SS is to accommodate that or find other foster carers for 3 siblings I think they will bend.
Could you afford a nanny? That might bel your best option in the long run. They could take the children to their appointments, look after them when they're off sick and in school holidays and basically be another parent to cover your working hours. That's what I'd do tbh to keep my options open even if it put a big dent in my income. Good luck with it all.

I know a few previous posters have mentioned a nanny but a nanny isn’t an option either unfortunately. And having all meetings on my day off only isn’t an option either unfortunately because that won’t work.

I have been looking but I’d have to go very part time and I haven’t found any suitable roles yet unfortunately.

I could do this I guess. I just still don’t know if they would be as flexible as I need/let me go as part time as I’d need. The whole company is just not very flexible in general. I guess I could try going to the top though and seeing what they say possibly?

It's not just about the meetings, though. It's about being a full-time substitute parent which is really hard work, potentially three different schools/nurseries to deal with, meeting the needs of the DC without them feeling more rejected, therapeutic appointments, trying to figure out what's upset them today. You can't get nannies or PA's in because those people can just leave and then it's another broken relationship. I think you are trying to do two full-time jobs at the moment OP. Maybe the right thing is to be a full-time carer for a while but think about how you can keep your links to working life even if only freelance or attending events once the 2yo is at school. As there will be a point where you want to pick it up again. As PP's have said, try to negotiate with SS so at least you are financially secure.