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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

341 replies

SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 18:41

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 18:59

Egglio · 02/12/2025 18:57

Ah sounds like you might have already used some work leave if they have been with you a year. If they are going to be with you long term, I think I would decide to leave too if I had exhausted every way oh trying to get support from work.

That’s how I feel to be honest. My employer is not supportive in the slightest either.

OP posts:
Alicorn1707 · 02/12/2025 18:59

@SparklyLimeHair if you are a matched placement then a SW visit can be reduced to every 3 months, with discretion.

Are they pushing for more frequent visits then?

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/12/2025 19:00

Are you in a union op? Perhaps you could get legal advice about work - being a carer and the policies? Also discuss with ACAS?

Alicorn1707 · 02/12/2025 19:02

Just to clarify, is it work or the SW department that's causing issues for you @SparklyLimeHair

InfoSecInTheCity · 02/12/2025 19:03

The first thing i would look at is ‘Parental leave’ you can use up to 4 weeks a year per child under 18, work cannot refuse it although they can ask that you choose a different date if they can justify that the date is unworkable.

its not a long term solution but would give you 12 weeks to see what other possible solutions there are and get on top of any appts. Can you work with social services to find a way to do the appts on the day you don’t work and explain that inflexibility on their side is risking your financial stability which is important in maintaining a caring role?

Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:03

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 02/12/2025 18:58

It doesn't sound like you want to leave your job, and I am doubtful you or they want to live on a foster carers salary - I think you'd be nuts, basically.

I'd take a giant step back, and -

Raise merry hell with your employer re adoption leave. What multinational corporation wants the bad publicity of refusing adoption/compassionate leave to an employee kind enough to take on three kids?! None I would say - you are just talking to people too low on the food chain. Get advice from an HR consultant / your union (pay for it if you have to) and negotiate some leave and some staggered return to work.

Raise merry hell with SS, again, get yourself to the top of the food chain - you have a job that you need in order to support these kids and so meetings have to be arranged on X days and that is it. In exceptional circs, you will try and arrange a zoom on another day. Do you they want to find another placement for these kids? No they do not. This one might be tougher to achieve than your work, because of so many agencies being involved but I bet you can improve it 80% given time and toughness.

Do you have good childcare and enough help with outsourcing household tasks, get that in place if not.

You may eventually want to look for a more flexi career, but you want to do that while you are still employed, and ideally after the initial shitstorm has calmed down.

I’ve tried with social services and spoke to the director of children’s services at one point too but nothing has changed. “Most foster carers don’t work as well as foster” is what one social worker told me at one point too.

I also don’t think it would work to do all meetings on one day either unfortunately.

With work, I’ve already spoke to people as high up as I can go but my employer is just not supportive unfortunately. I will try again this week though and see if I can get a different answer from my employer but I doubt it unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:04

Alicorn1707 · 02/12/2025 19:02

Just to clarify, is it work or the SW department that's causing issues for you @SparklyLimeHair

Both x

OP posts:
CambridgeSingers · 02/12/2025 19:04

I don’t think you’ve been to SS to see what can be changed, what about getting a PA paid for through them until the appts settle?

the thing is, giving up a high placed career you love is a huge sacrifice and quite often, a one way street. Whereas you’re facing temporary adjustment costs. You risk destroying an important part of your long term happiness for what are difficult and short term-ish costs.

Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:05

Alicorn1707 · 02/12/2025 18:59

@SparklyLimeHair if you are a matched placement then a SW visit can be reduced to every 3 months, with discretion.

Are they pushing for more frequent visits then?

3 months?! Our SW’s are here way more than that and have way more meetings than that unfortunately.

OP posts:
CambridgeSingers · 02/12/2025 19:05

That’s a stinking attitude from SS - what about your pension? This decision could seriously affect that too. Can you afford to hire a part time admin yourself to help with SS?

hellotojason · 02/12/2025 19:06

I'm a children's social worker (now in senior management) - not a chance could I hold down a senior role and be a connected carer (or mainstream carer) especially for 3 children. I think it's incredible you've sustained it as long as you have. If you're long term matched visits /meetings may reduce but I imagine potentially you'll still have family time to manage and importantly the continued needs for nieces and nephews. Speak to your supervising social worker about an affordability assessment, how will they support you. They will want to keep the kids in your care and they won't want it to break down, use this to try and garner what you can from the LA. I can tell you I have seen connected carers and adoptive carers reach good financial agreements with the LA outside of the normal offer.

Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:06

CambridgeSingers · 02/12/2025 19:05

That’s a stinking attitude from SS - what about your pension? This decision could seriously affect that too. Can you afford to hire a part time admin yourself to help with SS?

No because I have to do the meetings with SS myself, I can’t just hire someone else to attend the SS meetings instead of me.

OP posts:
Whatsthatsheila · 02/12/2025 19:07

SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 18:41

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

Can you take a sabbatical to try and get the first 12mths out the way?

Whatsthatsheila · 02/12/2025 19:07

SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 18:41

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

Can you take a sabbatical to try and get the first 12mths out the way?

SummerInSun · 02/12/2025 19:07

OP, well done to you for doing an amazing thing. It’s a heck of a sacrifice to take on 3 children, especially three children who have presumably gone through some trauma. It must be very hard and you are to be massively admired for taking it on.

Like PP, I would do anything possible not to quit. Apart from the fact that you will need money to raise three children, if you give up a job you live to care for them you will likely feel huge resentment, both because you will lose your independent adult self and once they grow up and leave you, you’ll be left with no career or pension savings etc.

I agree with all the suggestions - try for a sabbatical, throw whatever money you can at having a cleaner, some childcare, etc, and talk to social services about what’s achievable for you with meetings etc (pointing out that it won’t benefit the kids at all if you lose your job).

Whatsthatsheila · 02/12/2025 19:08

SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 18:41

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

Can you take a sabbatical to try and get the first 12mths out the way?

CambridgeSingers · 02/12/2025 19:08

And they can’t be more flexible on the timings? Could they agree to keep it to your day off? I’m sorry @SparklyLimeHair bexause it looks as though you’re being forced out of a good job by uncaring ‘support’. Is your local MP any good?

hellotojason · 02/12/2025 19:08

@CambridgeSingers a pa or admin can't meet with social care - as a connected carer @SparklyLimeHair has to meet the national minimum standards for foster carers. It is a huge commitment and sacrifice becoming a carer for your family.

Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:09

hellotojason · 02/12/2025 19:06

I'm a children's social worker (now in senior management) - not a chance could I hold down a senior role and be a connected carer (or mainstream carer) especially for 3 children. I think it's incredible you've sustained it as long as you have. If you're long term matched visits /meetings may reduce but I imagine potentially you'll still have family time to manage and importantly the continued needs for nieces and nephews. Speak to your supervising social worker about an affordability assessment, how will they support you. They will want to keep the kids in your care and they won't want it to break down, use this to try and garner what you can from the LA. I can tell you I have seen connected carers and adoptive carers reach good financial agreements with the LA outside of the normal offer.

Ok I will do thank you. The supervising social worker is here tomorrow so I’ll speak to her about it tomorrow.

To be honest I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown from trying to work as well as foster but I also love my job and don’t want to quit my job unless I have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:11

I think I am going to end up having to quit my job though unfortunately.

OP posts:
once1caughtafishalive · 02/12/2025 19:12

Are you entitled to family leave as a foster parent? Its something like 16 weeks per child before they're 18

CambridgeSingers · 02/12/2025 19:13

You’re not alone - I do have a friend who adopted and had to continually retrench her good career. I wonder if it’s worth a look around professionally for a keeping your hand in position for fewer days if your current situation can’t support that - good luck @SparklyLimeHair

Ritaskitchen · 02/12/2025 19:14

Could you get a very experienced nanny (eg Norland) and a legal person who can attend the meetings on your behalf - or at least some of them.
If you can I would try and keep your job. Such positions are hard to come by and also one out of the work system will be difficult to go back to.

Original poster
SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:20

Ritaskitchen · 02/12/2025 19:14

Could you get a very experienced nanny (eg Norland) and a legal person who can attend the meetings on your behalf - or at least some of them.
If you can I would try and keep your job. Such positions are hard to come by and also one out of the work system will be difficult to go back to.

I have to attend the meetings myself.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 02/12/2025 19:24

It sounds like you are doing too well OP! You are managing such a difficult and stressful task.

The advice upthread to start pointing out to people how much effort and money you are saving both SS and your employer may be in order.

If you leave your job it will surely cost your employer a big recruitment fee to replace you. Likewise, if SS have to fund you to be a foster carer hat makes things more expensive for them too.

I would consider going to my MP, are they any good? Might be worth a punt.