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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

341 replies

SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 18:41

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

OP posts:
grumpygrape · 06/12/2025 21:16

SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 21:02

I’m thinking of quitting my job next week because the stress of trying to manage both work and fostering is really getting to me

OP, maybe it is time for a three way meeting between your lead SW, a representative from your employer and you.

Put the onus on the others to understand your work load, the money you are saving the Govt., the value you give to your employer, your employer’s social responsibility and, most importantly, the life you are potentially offering your nieces/nephews if you are able to care for them and stay in employment ?

If you give up your job and have to raise the children on Foster payments, you and they are likely to lose your/their home and have to downgrade. Not only that, you will be less fulfilled as a substitute parent because you will have given up your career to look after them and may come to resent that.

This is a societal problem not just yours. Both Children’s Services and your employer should be supporting you; tell them to find a solution.

Hamiltonfan · 06/12/2025 21:20

Egglio · 06/12/2025 21:16

Come on now, OP is in an extraordinarily difficult situation, I'm not sure this very helpful. It's like saying oh your husband died? You're a CEO, I would expect you to be more stoic. It doesn't matter what someone does as a job, they are still human beings.

@SparklyLimeHair I'm sorry to hear it didn't go well. I hope you can find some peace whatever you decide.

Edited

I was trying to be helpful. I think this is all too much for OP and she may be better off with someone advocating on her behalf - possibly a lawyer - who can stand up to both social services and work x

CatsMagic · 06/12/2025 21:27

OP do you want some advice from someone who gets it ?

Leave your job. Right now you are needed elsewhere.

I know that all the advice on here comes from a good place but the majority of it is absolute pie in the sky , and you will be heading for a breakdown if you carry on.

Plenty of people have unforeseen circumstances that mean they have to give up their careers, it really isn’t the end of the world.

Egglio · 06/12/2025 21:31

Hamiltonfan · 06/12/2025 21:20

I was trying to be helpful. I think this is all too much for OP and she may be better off with someone advocating on her behalf - possibly a lawyer - who can stand up to both social services and work x

Fair enough, it didn't come across like that as helpfulness doesn't usually put someone down at the same time. Perhaps it was just poor phrasing.

SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 21:33

I do feel like managing both my job and fostering the children is not sustainable much longer. I don’t want to give up fostering the children though so that would mean quitting my job. I’m not sure I can manage working alongside fostering for much longer, it’s all very full on and especially because of the meetings and appointments for the children and the fostering training.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/12/2025 21:36

SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 21:33

I do feel like managing both my job and fostering the children is not sustainable much longer. I don’t want to give up fostering the children though so that would mean quitting my job. I’m not sure I can manage working alongside fostering for much longer, it’s all very full on and especially because of the meetings and appointments for the children and the fostering training.

Edited

Do you know when all the training will be complete and when the meetings will be less frequent? Because if you could get some timelines, it would give you something to go back to your employer with to try and appease them.

SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 21:44

Hamiltonfan · 06/12/2025 21:20

I was trying to be helpful. I think this is all too much for OP and she may be better off with someone advocating on her behalf - possibly a lawyer - who can stand up to both social services and work x

I still have to go the meetings about the children though. I can’t just send a lawyer or someone to attend the meetings instead of me going, that’s not how it works.

OP posts:
Hamiltonfan · 06/12/2025 21:45

A lawyer would be able to advise you of your statutory obligations and negotiate with both social services and work to improve things for you to make things more manageable

Hibernatingtilspring · 06/12/2025 21:50

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/12/2025 21:36

Do you know when all the training will be complete and when the meetings will be less frequent? Because if you could get some timelines, it would give you something to go back to your employer with to try and appease them.

Fostering is a job. It requires ongoing training, it requires availability and flexibility, and that's what social services are paying for and continuously assessing (fostering allowance and fostering standards) I don't think everyone suggesting that the OP 'be more assertive' with social services realise that social services essentially have a contract with the OP and are able to expect certain things as part of that contract. There are other options that don't require as much from the OP (SGO, CAO) though she has said that there are specific reasons they can't be considered (it may not be OPs decision; an SGO usually requires parents to consent, or a court be absolutely sure that a parent isn't going to improve -with such young children that's hard to rule out)

OP it's entirely understandable that you are struggling, you've done well to hold things down for this long and I'm sorry that your work are being so shit about it. I don't think a senior level job and fostering are compatible, especially with three. I do think it's worth seeing if you can get any legal advice about whether there's any discrimination here, but ultimately I do think it would be worth looking at whether you could look for another role that is less pressure or fewer hours (hopefully both!)

lanthanum · 06/12/2025 21:50

I wonder whether it's worth pointing out to the company that, should you adopt them, you will at that point be entitled to adoption leave whether they like it or not. However it is now that you actually need the time, and you would love to be able to come to some arrangement with them to have some leave of some sort now instead.

SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 22:03

Hibernatingtilspring · 06/12/2025 21:50

Fostering is a job. It requires ongoing training, it requires availability and flexibility, and that's what social services are paying for and continuously assessing (fostering allowance and fostering standards) I don't think everyone suggesting that the OP 'be more assertive' with social services realise that social services essentially have a contract with the OP and are able to expect certain things as part of that contract. There are other options that don't require as much from the OP (SGO, CAO) though she has said that there are specific reasons they can't be considered (it may not be OPs decision; an SGO usually requires parents to consent, or a court be absolutely sure that a parent isn't going to improve -with such young children that's hard to rule out)

OP it's entirely understandable that you are struggling, you've done well to hold things down for this long and I'm sorry that your work are being so shit about it. I don't think a senior level job and fostering are compatible, especially with three. I do think it's worth seeing if you can get any legal advice about whether there's any discrimination here, but ultimately I do think it would be worth looking at whether you could look for another role that is less pressure or fewer hours (hopefully both!)

It’s so difficult and it’s not as easy as just pushing back on everything and I can’t just tell social services that I can’t do any of the meetings or training, it just doesn’t work like that. SGO isn’t an option at the moment unfortunately. I do honestly feel like I will end up quitting my job.

OP posts:
MavisTheMonkey · 06/12/2025 22:07

Don’t quit. Your work situation is not sustainable but do not walk away.
I think you need to reframe your mindset around your employer- they do not deserve any loyalty from you and you need to do what’s best for you.

On Monday I would get yourself signed off sick with stress caused by your home situation. Self certify for the first 5 days and then ask your GP for a fit note. I would not be surprised if they sign you off for a month- I have seen up to three months in exceptional cases.

Then contact ACAS and / or an employment lawyer.
In your situation whilst on sick leave I would:

Ask for a referral to OcHealth so they can advocate for you in terms of adjustments; their role is to mediate between the employee and the employer so they should be fair and unbiased.

Put a flexible working / sabitical request in writing and make your employers decline it in writing.

Lodge a grievance citing your situation vs adoption policies and parental policies.

Your employers lack of support and flexibility is shocking and to my mind their actions are leading to constructive dismissal- however that would involve an employment tribunal which are currently delayed for months / years, so instead I would be aiming for a settlement agreement or for the accommodations you need. All of the above will at best get what you want or at worst move your employer towards an exit agreement whilst you cart on getting paid for a couple of months.

Good luck

Hibernatingtilspring · 06/12/2025 22:15

@SparklyLimeHair I know you can't, and it's frustrating seeing posters implying that if you're not 'forcing' social services to do what you say that you're somehow weak - that's not how it works! In my LA if someone resolutely wouldn't change anything about a full time job to commit to fostering, the LA wouldn't be throwing money at them, they'd be rethinking the placement. Regardless of how difficult it might be to find someone who could take a sibling group of three.
I think the idea to get signed off with stress is a good one. I don't know employment law so I don't know if you would have a case but given your employer has refused to allow p/t for childcare, I do think it's worth exploring through ACAS as to whether there could be any grounds for a discriminate case (women being much more likely to be carers than men)

SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 22:30

Hibernatingtilspring · 06/12/2025 22:15

@SparklyLimeHair I know you can't, and it's frustrating seeing posters implying that if you're not 'forcing' social services to do what you say that you're somehow weak - that's not how it works! In my LA if someone resolutely wouldn't change anything about a full time job to commit to fostering, the LA wouldn't be throwing money at them, they'd be rethinking the placement. Regardless of how difficult it might be to find someone who could take a sibling group of three.
I think the idea to get signed off with stress is a good one. I don't know employment law so I don't know if you would have a case but given your employer has refused to allow p/t for childcare, I do think it's worth exploring through ACAS as to whether there could be any grounds for a discriminate case (women being much more likely to be carers than men)

It’s just not possible to push back on social services unfortunately when it comes to this, that’s just not how it works

I will probably get signed off work with stress but that doesn’t change anything once I go back to work after being signed off unfortunately? Unless I just quit my job after being signed off?

I will speak to ACAS on Monday too

OP posts:
SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 22:59

I really don’t want to lose the children

OP posts:
SparklyLimeHair · 06/12/2025 23:29

lanthanum · 06/12/2025 21:50

I wonder whether it's worth pointing out to the company that, should you adopt them, you will at that point be entitled to adoption leave whether they like it or not. However it is now that you actually need the time, and you would love to be able to come to some arrangement with them to have some leave of some sort now instead.

It wouldn’t be an adoption, it would be an SGO. But SGO isn’t an option at the moment due to circumstances.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/12/2025 00:45

Hibernatingtilspring · 06/12/2025 21:50

Fostering is a job. It requires ongoing training, it requires availability and flexibility, and that's what social services are paying for and continuously assessing (fostering allowance and fostering standards) I don't think everyone suggesting that the OP 'be more assertive' with social services realise that social services essentially have a contract with the OP and are able to expect certain things as part of that contract. There are other options that don't require as much from the OP (SGO, CAO) though she has said that there are specific reasons they can't be considered (it may not be OPs decision; an SGO usually requires parents to consent, or a court be absolutely sure that a parent isn't going to improve -with such young children that's hard to rule out)

OP it's entirely understandable that you are struggling, you've done well to hold things down for this long and I'm sorry that your work are being so shit about it. I don't think a senior level job and fostering are compatible, especially with three. I do think it's worth seeing if you can get any legal advice about whether there's any discrimination here, but ultimately I do think it would be worth looking at whether you could look for another role that is less pressure or fewer hours (hopefully both!)

There are enough social workers and foster carers on the thread who have said that the amount of meetings the OP is having to have are too much and that they will calm down at some point. So with that in mind, I don't think my comment is dismissive of the requirements of foster caring.

Hibernatingtilspring · 07/12/2025 08:58

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/12/2025 00:45

There are enough social workers and foster carers on the thread who have said that the amount of meetings the OP is having to have are too much and that they will calm down at some point. So with that in mind, I don't think my comment is dismissive of the requirements of foster caring.

I thought it would be apparent from my post, I work in the field too - currently I manage a permanence team (children in care) and have previously worked as a social worker in the same, as well as as supervising social worker (assessing and supervising foster carers, including kinship)

There is more fostering training to do in the first year as there is foundational training, but foster carers are reviewed at panel every year and are expected to show that they are continuing to learn - the training requirement reduces but doesn't go away. They have to be available for regular supervision, that doesn't change, and the frequency would be led more by the children's needs and how much support the carer needs, not by how long they have been placed. Same with the child's reviews, care planning meetings, PEP meetings, childs social worker visits. It is a lot. Even if things are settled and can be reduced to the statutory minimum, it's a lot. And that's before we think about the actual caring role - if you think about it, it would be very unusual for a single parent of three children this age to be in a full time senior corporate job, and certainly not without a lot of help. As has been mentioned on the thread, children have been through trauma need more time and attention than most children, and the support usually can't be delegated out, because the children need their primary care giver. They are likely to need more appointments and services than other children.

I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't fostered to know the ins and outs, just that I felt telling someone who has clearly been incredibly strong, and at risk of burning out, that they just need to 'lay down the law' with social services isn't helpful - it implies that they're in this situation because they're too soft, and that's really not the case. It could actually risk the placement eventually, if social services deem the OP isn't committed, and she's been very clear she doesn't want to lose the children to non related foster carers.

I know the situation is different but if someone were applying to be a foster carer (in a planned way rather than by circumstance as with kinship) they would be very unlikely to be approved if they were a single carer working full time, unless they had an unusually flexible job. It isn't because social services want to push people into poverty, it's because we know it's simply not sustainable and we don't want childrens placements to break down and them be moved again. I do know a handful of single kinship carers who work full time, but it's only possible because they essentially share the care with a extended family, eg in a situation where no one was able to commit fully but the family pulled together and kids are with an aunt, but grandad agreed from the off he'd do the school pick ups, or where someone works shifts and the kids have three nights a week at a different family members.

@SparklyLimeHair re being signed off, it would buy you some time - paid time - and hopefully give you a bit of headspace before making any major decisions. As much as I can understand wanting to just give notice tomorrow, you risk replacing one set of problems with another, eg if you've not had chance to work out the financials.

OldMaaa · 07/12/2025 10:03

I agree with those saying get signed off work to at least get some breathing space from one of the pressures that you are under. Take the time away from work to focus on a longer term plan, look properly at the financial implications of quitting your current job, and get employment advice from a lawyer regarding your employer being so inflexible.

I hope you can find a way forwards. You seem totally overwhelmed and something has got to give. Thinking of you.

OldMaaa · 07/12/2025 10:08

Hibernatingtilspring · 07/12/2025 08:58

I thought it would be apparent from my post, I work in the field too - currently I manage a permanence team (children in care) and have previously worked as a social worker in the same, as well as as supervising social worker (assessing and supervising foster carers, including kinship)

There is more fostering training to do in the first year as there is foundational training, but foster carers are reviewed at panel every year and are expected to show that they are continuing to learn - the training requirement reduces but doesn't go away. They have to be available for regular supervision, that doesn't change, and the frequency would be led more by the children's needs and how much support the carer needs, not by how long they have been placed. Same with the child's reviews, care planning meetings, PEP meetings, childs social worker visits. It is a lot. Even if things are settled and can be reduced to the statutory minimum, it's a lot. And that's before we think about the actual caring role - if you think about it, it would be very unusual for a single parent of three children this age to be in a full time senior corporate job, and certainly not without a lot of help. As has been mentioned on the thread, children have been through trauma need more time and attention than most children, and the support usually can't be delegated out, because the children need their primary care giver. They are likely to need more appointments and services than other children.

I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't fostered to know the ins and outs, just that I felt telling someone who has clearly been incredibly strong, and at risk of burning out, that they just need to 'lay down the law' with social services isn't helpful - it implies that they're in this situation because they're too soft, and that's really not the case. It could actually risk the placement eventually, if social services deem the OP isn't committed, and she's been very clear she doesn't want to lose the children to non related foster carers.

I know the situation is different but if someone were applying to be a foster carer (in a planned way rather than by circumstance as with kinship) they would be very unlikely to be approved if they were a single carer working full time, unless they had an unusually flexible job. It isn't because social services want to push people into poverty, it's because we know it's simply not sustainable and we don't want childrens placements to break down and them be moved again. I do know a handful of single kinship carers who work full time, but it's only possible because they essentially share the care with a extended family, eg in a situation where no one was able to commit fully but the family pulled together and kids are with an aunt, but grandad agreed from the off he'd do the school pick ups, or where someone works shifts and the kids have three nights a week at a different family members.

@SparklyLimeHair re being signed off, it would buy you some time - paid time - and hopefully give you a bit of headspace before making any major decisions. As much as I can understand wanting to just give notice tomorrow, you risk replacing one set of problems with another, eg if you've not had chance to work out the financials.

"It isn't because social services want to push people into poverty" - but surely that's the reality in situations like this, given the lack of flexibility you describe where foster carers are essentially being forced to quit their jobs. What's the solution? The reality of the OP quits her job sounds potentially quite dire.

Hibernatingtilspring · 07/12/2025 10:29

@OldMaaa so your suggestion would be that people attempt to do two full time jobs at the same time? As that's what the OP is trying to do.
Most parents have a point in their career that they have to take a step back - taking a job that is less demanding, or part time. That's what the OP would be expected to do, not because they are forcing her but because they can't make up a solution that doesn't exist. They can't 'be flexible' because the statutory demands of fostering are based on the children's needs. The cost of any flexibility - by opting out of parts of fostering - would be on the children, and to a lesser degree on the OP, by leaving her without support. Social services won't make that compromise because it would be comprising the children's care.

As I've mentioned there are other legal routes that aren't fostering and aren't as intensive and the OP has said there are reasons they aren't an option, and presumably she wants to keep that private which is fair enough. The OP could tell social services that she can't commit long term because of her job and they would have to find somewhere else for the children to go, she doesn't want to do that, she is committed to the children. So there is a choice, albeit not an easy one to make, if she really didn't want to do this. But they can't and won't allow someone to be a foster carer and not meet the standards and expectations of a foster carer. They are paying the OP as a foster carer, though I appreciate it isn't a replacement wage, it's still a fair amount of money - in my area the combined amount for carer and child is around £350 per week per child for a young child. The reason that social services pay kinship carers fostering is in recognition that it is essentially a job, an extremely tough one, and that people aren't able to work the hours they would do if they weren't fostering.

The fact that the OPs employer won't allow her any flexibility as a parent/carer is really problematic, and unusual. Employers have a responsibility to consider family friendly working and by refusing part time or to go for a less demanding role, I really do think she may have a case for discrimination. Most employers can find some way to do it even with 'business need', even the emergency services allow part time contracts!

TryingtryingTryingfivetimes · 07/12/2025 10:45

Op, if you still have some emotional strength left, I would first go on sick leave. During the sick leave, I would see an employment lawyer, get them to help you request sabbatical leave. Sometimes it is about the words you use. Employment lawyer should help you with that.

You sound overwhelmed and stressed in this impossible situation. You also sound like a strong and amazing aunt who loves the children she is raising. Well done for managing so well for so long. You done more than a lot of people would have managed to do.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/12/2025 11:21

First things first, OP: Phone in sick on Monday and get a GP appointment and ask to be signed off for a month. You’re exhausted and stressed to the eyeballs.

Give yourself a week off out of that month. You don’t need to sort anything immediately.

At the end of that, model some options. Option 1 is giving up work. What would the impact be on a) the children and b) on you? Don’t forget your long term prospects/pension etc. What about supporting the children in the future? What about your house? Is there a point in the future when things might realistically be easier? Is it when the 2 year old starts school? Is it if the SGO gets granted? Could you get back into the work you currently do after a break of say 5 years?

Option 2 is looking for a part-time job. Think about what/where/how many hours etc. What level of salary would you need?

Option 3 is getting a lawyer/ACAS involved with your current employer. What reasonable adjustments would actually help? Is it to tide you over a few years or would you need them for a lot longer?

Good luck! You’re doing an amazing thing for your kids and I really hope it works out for you.

JeannetteBlue · 07/12/2025 11:51

SparklyLimeHair · 02/12/2025 19:36

As much as I love my job and don’t want to quit it, I would rather quit my job over the kids going in to mainstream foster care to be honest. But I love my job and would like to keep my job too but I just don’t think it’s possible to both keep my job and foster.

Have you got the option of a family Advocate?
I get that SS want you at all the meetings but if you had someone to help with this that was allowed, it would greatly reduce the strain on you.
If not, then a new job is likely what you'll need to do, or quit for a bit. You have done amazing for your family and I'm sorry you're being put in this position.

Hibernatingtilspring · 07/12/2025 12:10

@JeannetteBlue an advocate is someone who can help am individual put their point across, eg if they struggled in meetings. They couldn't attend in replacement of a foster carer, at least not on a routine basis. The foster carer is the expert on the children and needs to be there to share information and be involved in the decision making (no point something being suggested and agreed in a meeting and later finding the foster carer disagrees) The meetings for children in foster care have a specific purpose, social services aren't inviting people for presenteeism for the sake of it.
Sorry I'm not trying to put barriers in the way, just that a lot of the posts seem to suggest that SS are making the OP jump through hoops to tick a box, whilst it may be bureaucratic at times there is a reason for what they're doing.