To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

[SparklyLimeHair]

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

Don’t resign. Make your employer sack you. Don’t make it easy for them. Politely push back with SS when you really need to. Don’t quit. Don’t give in to SS. Just keep plugging away. They won’t be able to find someone else for 3 children. Just keep going. Women are conditioned to try to make life easier for other people. Don’t quit to make your employer heave a sigh of relief. Just keep going.

If I give up my job then I will try and push for more financial support yes but I’m not sure if I’d be able to get any more from the LA?

The IRO is aware of this situation and it’s been discussed previously, the IRO is very much aware of it

I’ll have a look at the family rights group now, thank you so much

I know I’m quoting my own post again but I’ve ended up in a row with my manager about this today because he’s not happy about next week and the fact that I won’t be able to work my contracted hours next week and he always says It’s my fault even though him and the company won’t be flexible at all. But I’m not sure what he wants me to do about it? It’s not my fault that I have attend these meetings/appointments/training as part of being a kinship foster carer

I do struggle to work my contracted hours most weeks these days since I’ve become a kinship foster carer but I’m not sure what my employer wants me to do about it when they won’t be flexible at all

Not all weeks have as many appointments/meetings/training as next week (next week is a particularly busy one) but there’s always something every week at least

I have previously tried to push back on both my employer and social services but I never seem to get anywhere which is why I’ve got to this situation where I feel like I should quit my job

To be honest part of me is surprised that my employer actually hasn’t sacked me yet because most weeks I struggle to work all of my contracted hours since becoming a kinship foster carer

I will also need to work out how I’m going to pay my mortgage if I do end up having to leave my job

I’m going to work out tomorrow if it’s possible to manage on just the fostering allowances. I also have another meeting tomorrow so I’m going to ask social services again what other financial support they could offer too if any.

Harshly, your employer doesn't have to facilitate your lifestyle. They employ you to do a job. It's the LA who have to give because your employer is your employer, it's not a charity which exists to fund you to do stuff other than the work they pay you to do.

Stop looking for your employer to fix this, it's for the LA to do that, and you seem unwilling to play hard ball with them so here we are. Your employer don't have to pay you to do FC training, or go to social care meetings, what they want you to do is the job they pay you for. You are having a row with the wrong people.

Do not ask them what other support they can offer if any. Thats just asking for them to say none. Go in there with the numbers worked out of what you need to live your current lifestyle for the next however many years. If you want to give up your job - and I think you do you just won't be straight about it here for some reason- go in and tell the LA you'll resign and do all their FC training and meetings etc if they agree in writing to replace your current salary for the next x years and then award FC allowance after that til youngest DC is 18. Or ask them to pay a lump sum off your mortgage. Or whatever you'd need to live your current lifestyle.

Don't ask them want they are willing to spend, they want to spend as close to nothing as they can. Tell them what you want in return for resigning, or else that you're not doing any more training or meetings except at times convenient to you. Find your backbone.

Social services. Letting kids die in horrific ways at the hands of animals (poor Star Hobson for just one of many examples)... and then fucking up the lives of those who are just trying to do the right thing. They get stuck in an awful system, which overcompensates in totally the wrong way and in the wrong cases.

Your employer sounds awful too.

I'm so sorry Op. I think you should fight back, but I understand that you are worried about losing the kids. And they are your priority. It is a really difficult decision. I think you are between a rock and a hard place.

You are doing an amazing thing. You must be knackered so it is difficult to think straight.

I hope you can find a way forward.

It’s so difficult with both my employer and social services

OP I know a kinship carer to 2 children who works 5 days a week as a teacher and is not having all these issues. SS have just got you over a barrel and aren't bothered on making things work for you as long as you're prepared just to keep up the status quo.

Do you know how hard it would be for them to keep these kids together and place they somewhere else? Do you know how much that would cost them?

You need to call their bluff you need to tell them that it is not possible for you to carry on as you are and that they need work with you or they will have to find another placement for the three children because they are breaking this placement down. If they want you to attend all this training and these meetings then they need to make it possible. They're taking the piss OP and they will because it's cheaper and easier for them.

I’m sorry I havent read every post.

Please get a senior employment lawyer asap to fight your corner. The only thing is that you will need to know what you want as an outcome. It sounds like your ideal outcome would be part time working/job share in your current employment. Fine. In the meantime, work the hours you can. But talk to a lawyer today.

So you’re potentially going to end up losing your house and what, downsizing or moving to rented? Agree this is the critical point with SS - do they want these kids to lose their secure base?

You need to start being really inflexible with social services. Say no, and simply don’t turn up. What are they realistically going to do? They don’t want to have to find a new placement for three siblings. You are clearly the best option if you have the money and time to look after them other than the SS stuff. Don’t go to training if it’s on a working day, say it needs to be arranged for a time you can do it. Don’t go to the SS meeting, offer a zoom call at a convenient time. Medical appointments for the children yes, but absolutely drop everything else.

Posters are being really helpful in trying to find practical solutions e.g. nanny, demanding more support from work etc.

However.... I don't have foster kids but I do have two with additional support needs. The burden isn't only a practical one but also a hugely emotionally draining one. I am constantly fire fighting, and as services are all oversubscribed there is very little flexibility with appointments. It is utterly exhausting.

As a single parent I've had to take a massive step back from work. I now do 2.5 days a week in a new job at a significantly lower level. 2.5 days sounds tiny but it can be a struggle fitting all the appointments and calls etc in, especially as there are issues with kids sleep etc that impact upon my available time. It only works because my employer is very flexible and understanding.

My advice would be that an unsupportive organisation will not work longer term. Although the initial flurry of training and appointment will die down it is highly likely that new issues will fill that gap. Foster children will likely come with trauma, and statistically much more likely to jave other additional support needs. The last thing you want to do is burn out entirely.

Social Services manage to arrange meetings to accommodate their various schedules, so they can certainly take your schedules into account also. I'd suggest that you give them a list of dates and times you can do over the next month or so and say that all meetings are going to have to fit into that schedule if they want you to be there. I'm sure they'll discover they can manage it.

I also think that ultimately you will probably need to move to another organisation. However, make them pay you off. That’s why you need an employment lawyer.

The thing is, OP doesn't need another fight on her hands. Making an enemy of social services isn't a good way to go as a fosterer. You have to be able to collaborate. They are professionals just like you (may not always seem like it), so try to see them as equals like your corporate colleagues at work - but be clear you expect to be treated the same. You organise things to suit both diaries, etc, etc.

In regard to lifestyle, taking on a ready made family after presumably some difficult circumstances, is huge. Equivalent to a life changing injury, moving to another country, etc. IMO you simply can't carry on at work with your current job. If there is no flexibilty, you have to leave, or you will end up being both a bad employee and a bad mum through being pulled apart. The children deserve a carer who has capacity to care for them. Social services need to help you get to that place without becoming destitute. You have lots of skills, you will find other work and be able to build a career back, but you can't carry on with the current track. The only way to do it (for typical families) is with outsourcing, nannies etc and that is just not an option for fostering.

There are pro's and cons of fostering rather than SGO, you do get the ongoing support and money from SS, but it seems you don't get access to the statutory leave/ parental flexible working. I suppose that's because many fosterers make a choice to do it, as a job. You wouldn't expect an employer to give you flexibility to do another job on the side. Of course your situation is different. I hope you find a way to make it work.

The meeting yesterday didn’t go well. I did try to push back on social services like some posters suggested but I didn’t manage to get very far with them (at times they were also pushing back on me pushing back on them if you get what I mean) so I’m not sure how much will change unfortunately.

I tried to do that yesterday in the meeting with the local authority/social services but it didn’t go well

I’m thinking of quitting my job next week because the stress of trying to manage both work and fostering is really getting to me

For someone in such a senior role, you're not coming across as very assertive. Is there someone who can advocate for you?

I have tried to be assertive with both my employer and social services and it’s not getting me anywhere and I feel very worn down with it all because of the stress

Would I even have a case against my employer though as I’m failing to work all of my contracted hours at the moment? Because of the meetings about the children, the children’s appointments and also because of the fostering training.

Do NOT quit your job until you've sought advice from BOTH ACAS and an employment solicitor. I'm wondering if it might be better for you to be let go (which sounds like it might not be too far away anyway). You are not entitled to job seekers allowance if you quit. Please do some research and get some proper advice BEFORE quitting.

Come on now, OP is in an extraordinarily difficult situation, I'm not sure this very helpful. It's like saying oh your husband died? You're a CEO, I would expect you to be more stoic. It doesn't matter what someone does as a job, they are still human beings.

@SparklyLimeHair I'm sorry to hear it didn't go well. I hope you can find some peace whatever you decide.